Why am I seen as friends with benefits material?

[Anonymous]

I recently started on a dating app. I’m 25 years old and I’m a conventionally attractive woman. I am clear on my profile I want something serious. I don’t have any revealing pictures. I am not promiscuous. I’ve never done a hook up or a friend’s with benefits. It’s something I would never do. I am good conversationalist. But when I ask them what they’re looking for. I get told a friend’s with benefits. From most of the men. In real life I’ve only been seen as relationship material. So I’m confused in entering this app Bumble, I’m somehow view so sexually?

[Finchie40]

Friends with benefits can actually be a good thing if you choose a FWB’s that is on the same page as you are , with some strings attached. Most people that jump straight into a committed relationship tend to not last the long haul because most people are just infatuated by each other when they first meet each other and hit it off in the beginning , they aren’t looking at the big picture and sadly that’s why so many relationships tend to fail and end badly. FWB’s gives the both of you time to really get to know each other before making the final decision of being committed together. I will only be FWB’s with a girl that is only having sex with me and no one else , and I do the same for her , we are allowed to date others’ if we choose to , but we also have an understanding if we end up sleeping with one of them , we end the benefits part and remain friends. The goal is for her and I to hopefully end up together after we really get to know each other. My advice is to not string it on for too long , cause it could be too late. Being friends with someone and taking things slow is better than jumping into a relationship with someone you really don’t know to much about. Honesty and communication is key to eventually being committed to someone for the long haul. Finding someone that chooses you the same way you choose them. Now if your FWB’s is going out dating multiple people while they are being FWB’s with you? They are just using you , for sex , a good FWB’s is going to choose you the same way you choose them , by investing a lot of time being with you and hanging out with you , Most people like having the freedom of not being tied down to one person right away , most people that do that, end up not liking something about that person and then shit hits the fan , it’s better to take things slow instead of rushing into things with someone , to really get to know each other and to see if the both of you could be together for the long haul over the short haul. So don’t be FWB’s with anyone that is just looking for sex , be FWB’s with someone that pretty much wants the same things as you

[Asker]

Yeah but I’m not rushing into a relationship with any man. I don’t even know them. There’s plenty of men that are willing on to go normal dates that are interested in a relationship. I personally wouldn’t sleep with anyone unless they’re committed to me. And all the men in my past have been accepting that. It just seems like I’m settling if I do a friend’s with benefits. Like I’m not worth the treatment I’ve always received. So that’s not for me personally!

[Finchie40]

Yea but most guys’ and girls’ want sex , if they aren’t receiving sex from someone they are dating , they will be open to receiving it elsewhere , so don’t fall for that shit , Guys’ and Girls’ do this shit all the time. They will date someone acting all sweet and innocent but behind their backs they are jumping into bed with someone else acting like oh it’s just sex, I have witnessed so many guys’ and girls’ do this shit behind each others’ backs’ like it isn’t a big deal. Cuz in their minds it’s just sex. FWB’s kind of eliminates that from happening if you meet someone that is honest with you and you both are on the same page with things. Why sex is important in any relationship , I don’t care what anyone says , I have witnessed and experienced so many liars and backstabbers when it comes to dating someone, and when they get busted, if they get busted , their excuse is , Oh I am just dating that person , nothing is set in stone yet , I am just out here having fun with my friends and having sex with this other person. It’s just sex. Like it’s no big deal. While the person they are dating has no clue what they are doing behind their back. Girls’ and guys’ sadly do this shit to each other. It’s just sex So instead of giving your heart 100 percent to someone you meet that you barely know anything about , you are best to be FWB’s with them first before jumping into a commitment with them and than having your heart shit on when their true colors shine. I prefer FWB’s for that reason , if I really
Like a girl that I want to get to know and be closer to , without rushing into a relationship with her right away , I will be upfront with her and ask her if she would like to be FWB’s with me only on these conditions , I don’t want to date a girl that is secretly spreading her legs to another guy behind my back , sorry to say it happens a lot

[Truthatanycost]

It doesn't matter what you say, or how you present yourself. What matters more are your actions. In other words, since dating is about weeding out the unwanted, it doesn't matter if they want friends with benefits if you never agree to it and never sleep with them. This just means you go elsewhere, learn to spot the signs earlier etc. We can't control others and as you said, you are not dressing overtly sexual.

[Asker]

Thats true. I’m over dating apps. It’s what I’m getting the most. I don’t really have patience to go through all these men. Especially when you feel like you’re actually clicking & then they say something sexual & u have to ghost them.

[SomewhereElse]

Trust me, it's not about you. There are just a lot of men on this app that try it. I guess it must work sometimes, otherwise they wouldn't do it? In real life, of course no guy would even be brazen enough to walk up to you and say "hey, I want to bang you, but only casually. That cool?". The relative anonymity of the internet however provides enough of a safety net for him to try this. In a way, I prefer those types - at least they are really upfront about their intentions. Much better than the types that reel you in and then, after you have been on a few dates reveal they were only after something casual all along.

[Asker]

That’s true. I think if someone asked me for sex without a proper date would get a slap lol. I removed myself from the dating app. I rather meet people organically. And force myself to be more social. I’ve some people that have really great experiences on dating apps. Where they meet their husband or wife. But it maybe the exception not the rule. Thank you!

[SomewhereElse]

Yes, that is the best call I think. I know many who have met great partners on apps as well - exceptions confirm the rule, I guess! I think in real life, you have many added advantages - you know if you are attracted and don't have to go off (often incredibly misleading or outdated) photos. Good luck!

[BTigers96]

It's the app, not you. Men in general are typically on apps to get laid first, and for a relationship second.

I have a friend who's a recently divorced father of 2 who's had sex with countless attractive women over the last 2-3 years, all from dating apps. Apparently there are a ton of women 35-50's who are looking for relationships, but also just looking to get laid if the opportunity presents itself. I've seen pictures of them, normal, very attractive/hot, and most with great careers. It blew my mind when saw who he was hooking up. I'm happily married by the way... so it was an eye opener because I've never used a dating app.

[Asker]

I think it maybe a generational thing. But most of my friends Gen Z don’t do hook ups or do friends with benefits. They’re not on apps. & if they are it’s something serious. & a lot of have led to successful relationships. But I do date older. So I guess they may just generalize all women to be open to date casually.

[BTigers96]

From what my buddy tells me there are quality people on apps, you just need to do a lot of sifting. I agree with what you said in another post, the best way to meet people is I'm real life, but apps can and do work. I do think that the older 35+ females on apps tend to be a bit more promiscuous, it comes with age as older men/women are much more upfront about getting their sexual needs met. You're looking for romance and that's great, but remember a lot of men (especially older) are primarily looking for a casual relationship. mu advice is don't sell yourself short, or turn yourself into a piece of meat. Politely state your intentions from the begining and screen the hell out of everyone. There's absolutely nothing wrong with sticking to your guns.

[Asker]

Thats interesting I would think older men in their 30s are more interested in settling down. Compared to someone in their 20s. I’m going to take a break from dating apps. It sort hurts your ego when people just seen you as sex object. I’m going to try to meet people in person.

[BTigers96]

I think single older guys who are recently divorced are primarily looking for sex. Not necessarily all guys, so the ones who've never been married are probably your best bet. Don't let it get you down, I'm you're running into some of the worst of the worst. Prior to meeting my wife I went through a stage. By the time I met her all I wanted was someone to hug and share my life with. :)

[Asker]

Thanks this gives me hope! I know I’ll meet the right one for me soon.

[BTigers96]

You will, and don't be afraid to use your friends as a sounding board to sniff out the bullshit. 👍

[DishLady]

friends with benefits isn't about whether or not you're attractive, it's about whether or not you're girlfriend/so material. Wanting something serious doesn't mean that you appear to others to be prepared for something serious.

"Relationship Material" isn't friends with benefits/hookup material, so that statement contradicts the main question.

Bumble is crap, which is probably what's throwing you off.

[Asker]

I never said friends with benefits is relationship material. I was wondering why I was experiencing this on apps. But in real life I attract people that see me as relationship material

[ohsheeT]

. I've never been on a dating app and I don't know what you have written but somewhere in your words clearly they are reading something else into it or it could just be your picture and they're trying to manipulate or see how far they can go with their words. So I'm going to say it's either something in your eyes it's something in your picture or something that you're saying

[Asker]

I honestly don’t feel like it’s anything to do with me. It seems that a lot of people just see dating apps as hookup apps.

[ohsheeT]

I don't know about that I think it probably has everything to do with you really... I'm an empath and I can feel people's energy and emotion you have a very beautiful sensual type of energy I would say you're very cute or even beautiful... Probably kind of shy soft spoken and never say a very good kisser and I think if other people can feel your energy like I do it's just super inviting it's actually very beautiful energy. I would also say you're very passionate and you probably just give that impression but you have to remember you are the one in control so you don't allow that to happen if you don't want to it kind of surprises me that guy see you that way and not in a deeper way

[HighValue]

The majority of potential partners are often low quality, so you will need to pass on many low quality people to find a good one. Just make your intentions clear on your profile, but even that won't stop the promiscuous people from messaging because many people online (plenty of women I have seen online) claim they only want something serious and long term, then after getting to know them online they are actually into hook ups and are not serious. Whether it is in person or online, many people are not honest about what they are actually looking for.

If you want to try online, try something like eHarmony that is more serious.

[RingOfFire]

Online you have people playing all kinds of games. You got 12-year-old boys telling you they're your age just to talk about sex. You have perverts and crazy man who are only after sex.

They get away with it because online they're just anonymous. They would never behave that way in person.

They're just trying to see how far they can get.

[Asker]

You make a good point a lot of creeps on there. And we all see it so ignorantly.

[gorydetails]

Please learn to think of things through a cost/benefit lens. These guys want to fuck without a relationship despite you stating your desires. The cost of them sending you a message and asking for you to be a fuck buddy are next to 0. The benefit if you agree is great.

[Asker]

I don’t understand why they wouldn’t just message the women that have on their profile that they desire something casual. I mean there cost but it definitely looks pathetic to women. Like even women that are more open minded about alternative relationships. Will still want some sort of wine & dine. It seems like men don’t understand women at all.

[gorydetails]

Because they find you attractive.

[itsannalee]

It’s not your fault, it’s just coz that what they are looking for. Has nothing to do with u. If u are not interested to them, just leave them alone. And find another guy who respect u as girl material, not sex material.

[Asker]

Yeah a lot of people are saying that. To not take it personal. That they’re asking every girl for sex.

[dustybiker2]

It's their wants, not you. They don't want attachments or plans for marriage. Think of it this way. You don't need a herd of men. You need one man. All those things those men want just help you weed them out so you can find the one you click with.

[Asker]

Yeah that’s true.

[Purpleronnie]

I really don’t think it’s you , my opinion would be it’s the typical male user of these type of apps. It’s like “Just eat” , food on demand because you can’t cook or too lazy to learn. They should literally rebrand these apps under one umbrella and call it “ just fuck “ . I’ve said before in reply to previous questions but I’d rather be single for the rest of my days than use “those” apps.


Here’s hoping you can find a diamond in the rough though , but I’d doubt it

[Asker]

I had some friends that found marriages & long term relationships. But there the exception to the rule. I didn’t think it would be that bad. But it was. I wanted to see if I was doing something wrong. But I guess it’s just a bad app. For relationship minded people.

[Purpleronnie]

I’d def agree that those apps have changed ot at least the types of people they attract have. I don’t have these views based on other people I was a member of a couple once too and they are just awful. I too have been told stories of people finding love and marriage via people they met on those apps but there is no way I believe they are anything but exceptional cases these days. Professional introduction agencies advertise a better success rate but I have no personal experience to speak of. If I was ever single again I’d likely date the traditional way of someone through work , family friends or being out Socialising.. those are by no means perfect but it’s either that or I’d just be single 😂

[bobby_bush_eater]

People there just want sex, they don't care what you say there's a chance you just say yes and they'll never meet to do they don't care if you say no, don't lose hope though.

Look in places where you think those will align with you morally is my advice

[DarkWinterNights]

Because that’s what apps are. You might have a little better luck on a paid app, but apps are run by companies that want to make money. If they succeed in helping you find a partner they lose a customer.


Modern relationships are all about friends with benefits and short term gratification. Those of us more relationship or traditionally minded either got lucky and found someone or more or less gave up.

[Asker]

Yeah it seems like a lot of people are more open minded to alternative relationships. But from my personal experience that still isn’t the standard. From what I’ve seen a lot of women that are in friends with benefits usually think it would lead to exclusivity or end up developing feelings. I don’t blame them going on romantic dates, flirting getting intimate with someone how are you not expected to develop feelings. That’s why I wouldn’t do one.

I agree I definitely think it has to do with luck. I had friend that’s never gone on a date , never had a relationship & doesn’t go out. But she currently in serious long term relationship. With an old friend that message he to take her out on a date & few dates later they got together.

[TommyMountainFigure]

I'd never heard of it until it was mentioned on here, but so far everything I HAVE heard about it, all say pretty much the same thing. Pervy people looking for quick and easy sex. I wouldn't therefore say it is any reflection on you!

[TommyMountainFigure]

Thank you for MHO

[Anonymous]

Online dating apps are hookup apps. Men looking for hookups are going to try even if you've said in your profile you're not interested. That's just the way it is online. I would suggest sticking with real life dating. And don't lower your standards, for your own behavior and for the men you're looking for. You sound like a quality woman, which is not so common today. You deserve a good man so hold out for one.

[whiskeyontherocks]

Good men looking for solid relationships are not on dating apps in my opinion this isn’t based on personal experience it’s based on other friends experiences.
I’d find out what is important to you and go do that till you find someone to be with otherwise you’re just desperately rolling the dice one date after another…

[jahaims]

A lot guys your age are still looking to just get laid. I feel like the kind of guys that aren't like that don't really use dating apps as often.

[Asker]

I date older men also. But yeah Im seeing dating apps are just bad idea for us relationship minded people lol

[SeriouslyNotSerious]

Bumble, Tender, Cringe.. whatever their name is, those three apps are the MOST terrible apps to find love. 🤦🏻‍♀️

[Tim2nice]

This isn’t about you, so don’t take it personally. You may desire certain things but others have different desires and their desires are as valid as yours.

[WhitneySnow]

Every guy on a dating app wants friends with benefits if they can get it (well, most of them).

[In_Trance]

Because that's the way you present yourself to the world

[Asker]

How so if I’m not revealing or overly sexual?

[In_Trance]

I can't give you any more detail I don't know anything about you

[PeachyPie93]

Apps main goal is for hookups do not use them for dating.

[Nikki1989]

But everyone is potential friends with benefits material.

[Asker]

Nope some people don’t like alternative relationships

[dudegreat91]

That's the world of dating apps. Get off them if you want something serious

[scott04sa22]

Everybody on those dating apps mostly wants sex. If friends with benefits is what your looking for, by all means.

[noohair]

Men used to have to make a commitment to a woman for sex. It was usually courtship and marriage. Women wanted freedom and equality. This is what freedom and equality looks like.

[Asker]

Yeah it seems like some women do enjoy alternative relationships. But it definitely makes it more difficult for relationship minded people.

[Anonymous]

Don't feel bad. This happens to us guys by your gender as well. It's disgusting. A lot women don't even read our profiles

[Staximus]

Seems like that's how younger people get to know each other these days, fuck like you shake hands and ask questions later.

[Asker]

That’s not true for a lot of Gen Z women but for Millennials & Gen X I think so.

[Staximus]

It's more true for Gen Z than previous generations

[jjj101010]

There r a lot of guys who just want to use it to hook up. Not a reflection on u, just what they r looking for and the are taking a chance.

[sawno]

"started on a dating app"

[Asker]

When you’re in college, in school clubs , and working part time jobs. It’s easier to socialize & meet people.

[sawno]

I know, but dating apps are notorious for attracting people who only want one night stands. So the reason your seen as one night stand material is because your on a platform full of people open to one night stands.

[sawno]

Friends with benefits*

[Asker]

I’ve had plenty of friends meet their long term boyfriend or girlfriend on there. Even husband or wife. That’s the only reason I tried it because it works for other people.

[sawno]

Of course, but to find those people you do have to put up with the matches that only want sex. Like in your example you asked him what he's looking for and he was honest. That's not a personal judgement its genuinely what he is hoping to find on the app. So if people tell you all they want is a friends with benefits they probably didn't come to the app with the intent of anything serious.

[Asker]

Yeah I’m taking it personal sort of like an insult. But yeah people have preferences & they’re most likely saying that to all of there matches.

[sawno]

They will be, they aren't insulting you and its nothing personal they just want sex.

[Asker]

It’s sexually objectifying me. Like the only reason ur talking to me is because u want to sleep with me. You could care less about me as a person.& most men have low standards who they would sleep with. That’s why it’s insulting. But I understand their intentions is not to be insulting. They just want sex. But thank you for explaining that !

[Vegasrunner]

If giving the choice that is what most men prefer.

[Asker]

That’s hard to believe. Men are human beings also. They desire to be in love with someone. And to be loved. And have that exclusivity with that person only.

[Vegasrunner]

@asker in my opinion it's "hard to believe" because you're a female and women struggle to see past their own pov. We know thar you desire to be in love w/ someone so your projecting that metric onto men. The same w/ exclusivity, if most men had the option of having a bunch of women or one women they would choose a bunch. It's difficult for you to believe because it's opposite of your preferences.

[Asker]

Speak for yourself, I don't know who hurt you. I have plenty of men family , friends, or coworkers. That would prefer to be in relationship than chasing for some tale. & going on dates with women that they don’t have a connection with.

[Vegasrunner]

@Asker Lol, its general conversation so neither you or I should be "speaking for ourselves" "who hurt you" Falls under emotion in my women response hierarchy. You can view the article on GAG. Why do you believe these men would prefer to be in a relationship. If that were true then why is it that men w/ options typically have a lot of women?

[LiamJHayden]

Online dating can be a dumpster fire. A lot of guys and girls are just looking for hookups.

[Anonymous]

dating apps in general are for hookups

[Asker]

Yeah I completely wasted my time. There men that say that they want something serious but there behavior won’t show they do. So I end removing those also.

[SugarSugarplum]

Apps are for hookups.

[FreyaRed]

They think you're easily to manipulate.

[Anonymous]

we all are

[Asker]

Not everyone feels comfortable with alternative relationships.

[Opinion Owner]

we all are seen as that

[Asker]

Oh yeah that makes sense

[OhLongJohnsoning]

Because you're letting them?

[Asker]

Read my paragraph again I’ve said I never had a hookup or a friends with benefits

[JonesT10Apr]

hi I am here...