Do you always aim for an “upgrade” each time you get into a new relationship?

[Anonymous]

Be it in terms of looks, personality, income, what they can offer to the table or what have you - I always look for a better partner than my last. Not only that, I also learned a lot from each of my failed relationship so that I could also “upgrade” myself as a girlfriend. Each guy that I date is better looking than the last, I’m also more aware of what red flags to look for so I find it easier to spot any potential toxicity. What about y’all, do you find yourself wanting to strive for better after each failed relationship or do you mostly just settle?

[Summeroflove]

What people should be doing is finding their soulmate. Unfortunately many people want a rebound to make the other person jealous, many times getting themselves into a worse relationship then the last one.

I think it’s one thing to want to find the best person you can but at the same time building a genuine connection matters more then anything else. People who can’t build real relationships are people who build relationships off superficial stuff not because they genuinely love the person but only what they gain.

Obviously in any healthy relationship both people are gaining something from one another but people who are just with someone and don’t have a genuine connection people need to run very far away when someone’s doing that.

[Asker]

Very true. I don’t necessarily believe in soulmates but I think I’ve found mine. A genuine connection and true compatibility matters more than everything else of course but doesn’t mean that I would want to accept the bare minimum because we have such a deep connection.

The ultimate soulmate would definitely be someone you can truly connect with, someone who cherishes you, loves you, respects you and is loyal to you. That’s someone I would consider to be the “best”.

[Summeroflove]

You’re right asker many people expect a perfect person too…. There is no such thing especially because most people (male or female) want to be accepted for their own flaws but nobody on Earth would ever deserve a perfect person since nobody is.

But having that genuine deep connection is so important. Unfortunately some people would rather get their rocks off having sex with whoever they can. Those people are never happy irs never enough

[Asker]

I agree, there’s no end to chasing for perfection. My current man is perfect for me, his flaws are also “perfect” for me because I accept them all. It’s sad how a lot of people just seem to disconnected these days, no wonder a lot of people feel hollow inside

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

I actually wondered and still wonder what I'm doing, if I'm following a kind of a set path or not, without me knowing. After thinking about this a lot, I wonder if I could be, unconsciously, trying to "obtain" what I missed in the last relationship. Speaking in terms of personalities I'm attracted to, from afar, it may look like I'm trying to find in the next personality the things I missed from the previous personality.

But then I remember I'm looking at all this in a abstract way, intellectual style, analysis. Which makes me realize, again, that my love life, my views, and my understanding could not be identified that easily, since I'm not a computer program at all, my consciousness is much more unknown than what I can foresee 😅

[Asker]

Well I hope you find what you’re looking for. It definitely takes a couple of trial and errors but you’ll learn what you want/need in a partner eventually

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

In fact, I always found what I was looking for, each time.

When viewed retrospectively, I think I'm changing at every breakup and then looking for different things in someone, including me. Which looks, somehow with different words, matching or related to what you personally mean with this "upgrade" phrasing

[DeeDeeDeVour]

My 2nd boyfriend (midway through college) was my big crush in high school when all we were to each other were just acquaintances.

Apparently, he would be the "standard" I would always want for myself.

I left my 3rd boyfriend to get back together with boyfriend #2 who, at that point, also became boyfriend #4.

I left my 5th boyfriend to get back together with boyfriend #2/#4 who, at that point, also became boyfriend #6.

I left boyfriend #7 to get back together with boyfriend #2/#4/#6 who, at that point, also became boyfriend #8.

Eventually, boyfriend #2/#4/#6/#8 would become my one-and-only husband.

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

hahaha, interesting convolution

[Asker]

That’s actually sweet, you guys were definitely meant to be. Just took you a couple of boyfriends to realize it lol

[quickquesocheese]

if the only thing you are aiming for in a new relationship is some sort of upgrade or leverage against an earlier partner, you are not doing your partner fair. when you enter a new relationship you should look forward and not backwards. and aim to be a better person than you were yesterday.

[Asker]

Very well said! I also strive to better myself after each failed relationship but having learned from my past, I go after guys who are also better partners. I will no longer accept the bare minimum.

[HawkPerception]

Yes of course. If a relationship failed, then I'm obviously looking for traits in a partner that I find to be better or more compatible with myself than past partners.

That's not to say that the person is better overall. But they would be better FOR ME. Compatibility matters. The traits I find attractive in a girl and how similar she is for me would be very different from other guys.

[Asker]

Yes!! This is exactly what I mean, you’re spot on. Learning from your past failed relationships definitely allows you to “upgrade” in terms of finding a partner that is better suited to your needs and wants. At the same time, you’re also upgrading yourself to be the best partner for the person that you’re looking to give your love to.

[Kelley1]

Often, but not always, if a girl doesn't have a boyfriend, she will quickly find a boyfriend and immediately start looking for an upgrade. Then when she is certain of the upgrade, she will pounce.

[Asker]

Oh yeah, some people would just settle for anyone just to be in a relationship. That’s why they always keep their eyes open for someone better to come along

[elaphe]

This is such a transactional and impersonal way to view dating. You should date someone because you like/love her, not because you want an "upgrade."

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

This is also the risk I see in how this question is phrased, but I'm unsure the asker really meant that in this way

[Asker]

Thanks @maybe_maybe_not that’s definitely not what I meant, English isn’t my first language so I suck at getting my point across sometimes.

But @elaphe I see why some people could interpret it that way. I’m not referring to the cases where people are settling into a relationship just because they don’t want to be alone. In each relationships, I always give my all and I’m always present. I’m not expecting for someone better to come along. It’s just that after each break up, I take what I can learn from it so that I won’t repeat the same mistake, both in looking for a partner as well as being a better partner myself. I “upgrade” my expectations, and I’ll “upgrade” myself as well.

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

I sympathize with the foreign language problem lol

[Asker]

@Maybe_Maybe_not yeah lol people who speak English as their main language is lucky

[Anonymous]

Yeah because any relationship you get into is prone to fail. It’s always and forever prone to fail. Leaving you all alone or leaving you in complete ruin. So as a woman you need to keep your options open always.

[Asker]

That makes sense, but I’ve been trying to keep a more optimistic view regarding dating. I think once you’ve found the right man, you wouldn’t even think about looking for a better option.

[DextroShade]

Your value goes down with age not up, so you should be looking to settle, not upgrade.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/bXawzGYswTw

[Asker]

Not really. I’m way hotter and a much better lover than I used to be as I grow older which is why I managed to upgrade each relationship. I’ve finally found my ultimate man and I’m done with the search as I’ve found the best of the best.

[DextroShade]

You have found the best that YOU are going to get, don't think that if it doesn't work out you can do better because you can't.

[Asker]

Okey dokey

[LiamJHayden]

I care about faithfulness and adoration. I'd rather have an average or below average looking faithful girl than the hottest thing on two legs who is unfaithful.

[Asker]

It’s sad how faithfulness is now a rare trait to have… 😔

[Nikki1989]

I stopped all of that once I met my husband.

[Asker]

Yes!! I’ve also met my fiance and he’s definitely the best of the best for me.

[power_wolf]

that won't work much longer. you're getting too old

[Asker]

Don’t worry, I’ve found my ultimate man, the best of the best and we’re getting married

[power_wolf]

if he's marrying you and not a young 18 year old he sounds like a dumbass

[Asker]

He doesn’t have time to babysit an 18 yo girl, he wants a wife that’s mature and capable of homemaking and loving him right 😌

[power_wolf]

mature just means old. an 18 year old is hotter, younger and has more energy for everything

[Asker]

Okay you do you

[power_wolf]

lol I will.

[EmyyWolf]

Yeah no woman should be f-king no man over 35 because old seed is dangerous to the woman and baby causing miscarriages and birth defects to the baby

[EmyyWolf]

@power_wolf
If anything. Older fossils need to sent to separate island so they can f-k eachother and not be a burden upon children & minors.
A societal burden.

[nawtee_me]

If I have the best person in my relationship then how will I upgrade? The next person would still be the best for me at that time but the ex would not be worse just because we are no longer together.

[Asker]

That’s a really great point. I guess what you would consider as “the best” would definitely depends on your current situation, and what you need in a partner at the moment.

[Radiate143]

I like to upgrade in compatibility, security and respect. So, yes.

[Asker]

Yes always strive for better!

[ProbablyClueless]

I don't know that I aim for it, but I think that's the just the way things have worked out.

[Asker]

Yeah same here, I think I subconsciously have always strived to look for a better partner and to also become a better partner myself

[Fireguy17]

yeppers, always go forwards, why would I want to go backwards, I just got rid of someone like that.

[Asker]

Yes always aim to level up!

[noohair]

This is why guys think all women are whores. It is all a transaction to you. No Feelings, just stuff.

[Asker]

It has all to do with feelings. I used to accept being treated like crap because I was deeply in love with my ex. Now I no longer accept the bare minimum and would only give all of my love to someone who will also love me back. I’m just expecting to be treated with respect, love and loyalty.

[Fuentes]

I do u cut off any women who displays red flags or does things to slight me which will just cause issues.

[Asker]

What kind of red flags do you usually look for?

[WhitneySnow]

No. Definitely not.

[Asker]

Why not?

[WhitneySnow]

That’s a very cold and transactional way to look at things. I look for someone who will make me happy and who I in turn can make happy too.

[Asker]

I don’t think I phrased the question correctly. By upgrading I meant “not settling for less”. I for example, accepted the bare minimum in my earlier relationships. I gave my all while my exes all cheated on me and took me for granted. So now I’m “upgrading” to a guy who’s loyal and is overall a better partner.

[WhitneySnow]

Then yeah. I guess so.

[exitseven]

This sort of thing never really crossed my mind.

[Asker]

Seems like you’re very content in every relationship you’re in then, that’s great!

[exitseven]

I always had an open mind. Everyone is different and looks alone are not evertything.

[RedInnocent69]

Yes, it’s like cars. No one trades down.

[Asker]

Great analogy!

[Twalli]

I would need to end this one first

[Asker]

Oh no, is this just a rebound relationship you’re currently in?

[Twalli]

No, it's my first one. Not planning on ending it, otherwise she wouldn't be wearing wn engagement ring.

[Asker]

Aw congrats on the engagement then! Good luck to the both of you.

[Ladsin2]

I take what I can get mostly.

[Asker]

How so?

[Ladsin2]

I don't understand how that wasn't clear. I date who I can if I find her attractive enough. I don't have the ability to be super picky upfront.

[Asker]

Ah okay. I do see that sometimes people settle for whoever they can get just because they’re scared of being alone, just wondering if that’s the case with you. Some people still prefer to wait for a better option even if they barely have any options to choose from, just wasn’t sure which group you fall into.

[Maybeyoutoo]

Sometimes yes, sometimes no, usually no

[Asker]

Why not? Was it a conscious decision that you made tho?

[Maybeyoutoo]

I don't really care about being in a relationship. A woman is a woman (as long as she's not too ugly)

[Asker]

Why not aim for a better looking girl each time then?

[Maybeyoutoo]

A more beautiful girl means more expenses

[Asker]

Well you’re not wrong, but doesn’t mean that you’re gonna be the one paying for all of her expenses tho

[Anonymous]

And women claim hypergamy is b. s..😆😆😆

[Asker]

I guess it’s because some people settle too quickly into relationships because they’re afraid of being alone

[DrPepper12]

No. Not actively

[Asker]

I guess subconsciously then?

[DrPepper12]

I guess so. Yeah. Makes sense!

[TheCaller]

Of course

[Asker]

As you should!