Is this asking for too much or having high standards?

[Anonymous]

In my first two relationships, my exes gave me such princess treatment without me having to ask to. I spent most of my life being the one taking charge of family issues as the eldest daughter and roughhousing with brothers and male cousins growing up so when I got into a relationship for the first time, years ago their treatments were so new and attractive to me. They'd buy me food whenever I was hungry or offer it even if I thought I was not hungry. My first boyfriend sang me a song and sent it to my phone, my 2nd boyfriend usually opened doors for me and put food on my plate first whenever we go out to eat. Whenever they see me carry stuff, they'd take it off my hands and carry it for me without a word. Those little things that made me instantly attracted to them. I've never been treated like a lady in my life growing up and to be taken care of instead because it has always been me taking care of others and planning things through most of my life with family. (Unfortunately, my relationship with them didn't last due to long distance, their mental illness, their trauma, etc but that's a whole different story). This time, I am dating someone who doesn't have that same mindset for the first time, or that "gentleman" behavior. It doesn't come naturally to him like it did with my previous relationships. I feel bad asking but when I did, he started making these comments that comes off as a joke, like I have hands to open doors for me, or make it a deal that he is walking to the street side like I wanted him to. My previous suitors never made comments about the things they did for me, like opening doors, walking to the street side, carrying my stuff, buying me food even if its just fast-food. It was no big deal for them like it's simply just the most natural thing in the world and they did them without me having to ask. With the current guy I'm dating, he makes it sound like asking for these small things was me being spoiled or having too "high expectations/standards".

Updates

1 y

Ok so it looked like the general consensus is that for men, these things are considered high standards, but for women they are not.
As a woman, I do have the same perception because I thought that having unrealisic expectations/high standards towards men means only dating those who are 6 feet tall, has 6 figures and six abs *que song on Fiance Guy* ALL of my suitors had NONE of that but I still ended up dating them because the expectations I have are, in my opinion, really easy and cheap.

[Anonymous]

I'll start by saying having high standards is fine IF you are capable of getting a man who meets them.

Having said that, I think you got lucky in the past, and as a result, your expectations may be unrealistic, and here's why. In the past, men treated women like they were special, because they were special back then. But today's woman have worked very hard to NOT be special. Women want equality, and now that they have it, they don't like some of the things that come with it.

But you can't have it both ways. Women have lost the right to be treated as special. It's the bed they have made for yourselves, so they need to get used to sleeping in it.

[Asker]

How do you define a woman who is "special" and what about equality that made women lose that "special" quality? I grew up in a male dominated family and is very close to my dad. I believe that men are important in peoples lives because I've mostly been treated well by them. Maybe people can argue its a pretty privilege thing but its because of this that I believe that there are more good men out there that there are bad. My 2 exes did hurt me but I dont hate them and my perception of men didn't change and in fact only grew better due to their treatments. They set a standard so i did found it surprising that not every men were as chivalrous as them. I don't know anything about this gender war online nor do I want to be a part of it.

[Opinion Owner]

This isn't so much about the gender war as it is about how women decided to change the rules and just expected men to continue to play the game as if nothing changed.

You said your exes treated you like a princess, bought you food whenever you were hungry, put food on your plate first, opened doors for you.

Did you buy them food whenever they were hungry? Did you open doors for them? If the answer is no, that's not equality. Do you women want equality or not? You can't have all of the positive aspects of equality but not the negative ones.

What you are expecting is for men to be Chivalrous gentlemen like in the past, but most of today's women no longer behave like ladies. In fact I hear women all the time calling it "sexist" when men say they wish women would start behaving like ladies again. Again, you can't have it both ways.

Women of the past were special because they behaved like ladies, embraced their femininity and respected the differences between men and women. Today's women are no longer special.

[Asker]

What rules specifically did women change that was so bad? The rules I know in history that were changed thanks to the feminist movement are women are now able to vote, have the choice to work in any job they want and not be discriminated against if they are pregnant, be able to open a bank account, and more. How are these changes bad?

And to clarify: your answer to my question about what makes women special is being able to embrace their femininity and respect the difference between men and women, right?

Yes, I do know FOR A FACT that there are blatant differences between men's and women's capabilities: I can never win a fight against my brothers, but they can never be pregnant. I've seen my father work his ass off to provide for us even today, while my mother stayed home to nurture and taught us when we were younger. I want to be able to someday just stay home and take care of my children, but you also need to understand that not every woman wants that for themselves. The change I see today is that at the very least, women have a choice to either work or stay home, whereas back then they don't have a choice. Tell me how is that new rule so bad?

Regardless, I do not care what men and women did in the past because I am not a woman of the past, nor are my previous and current suitors. If anything, my expectation of men to be chivalrous gentlemen was not instilled in me by other women, but by other MEN.

And since you asked what I have done for my exes: I have cooked for them, taken care of them when they were sick, handcrafted them gifts, baked them sweets, I listened to them when they were emotionally vulnerable, and always vocalized how much I appreciated everything they did for me, plus more. I do the same for my current partner. Perhaps you can say I have a very traditional mindset and I can see now that that's where my and my current partner's differences lie.

[bobby_bush_eater]

Some guys my age feel it's antiquated in the modern era. They tend to view it as "I have to do extra stuff for you, why? What are you doing in return?"

Not everyone thinks that way nor am I saying your boyfriend does but I know several men personally who do think that way.

I think part of it goes to how your raised too, when I used to see my father stand up for my mother to sit at the table every day as a kid I suppose it's rubbed off where I hold doors and do the generic stuff myself. If you were never exposed to that though, it's easy to see how that would slip by someone.

[Nikki1989]

It is not high standards OR asking too much.

[thearchjoker]

your previous suitors are both a rare type don't expect everyone to be like them as they are not the norm. your expectations are indeed too high but it does not mean you must ignore them but if you are determined to only date people who match them be aware that you will have a much smaller dating pool.

[thearchjoker]

"As a woman, I do have the same perception because I thought that having unrealisic expectations/high standards towards men means only dating those who are 6 feet tall, has 6 figures and six abs *que song on Fiance Guy* A" Those are beyond high standards but outright preposterous the percentage of men who fit all those criteria are less than 0.01% of men and they have so many women interested in them that they will not be loyal to you.

[Asker]

I guess my point is that why is stuff like opening the door for me, walking on the street side of the sidewalk, helping me carry my bag, or giving me a flower that you can be plucked off the street once in a while are considered "unrealistic/high standard" when these are simple very easy behavior and doesn't cost a fortune?

[DrPepper12]

He should be doing that with expectation of your gratitude each and every time, even when you decline his offers to help. That's just being a gentleman.

[Asker]

I grew up and was taught to be appreciative of everything I have. I never missed thanking my exes about the things that they did for me. I notice the little things, and I was the one who would usually point these things out to them. For example, when my ex and I eat at a restaurant, he has this habit of putting the food on my plate first before he puts it on his. I told him I really appreciate that and he said he didn't even notice he does that. That's what I meant when I said, to them, it simply natural to do. Both opened doors for me, and one day when I pointed it out, he simply said it's the bare minimum. They were the ones who basically instilled this idea to me, that being a gentleman is supposed to be the norm.

[DrPepper12]

It's the simple things that are most meaningful

[paledreams]

I have high standards for hygiene 🪥🪥 and personality 😘💕 - I wonder why I've stayed single this long, insecurity, anxiety and the quality of women out there is not getting my hopes up past or present lol 😆😆😆😆😔

[paledreams]

I just want to be hugged and cuddled and to give hugs and cuddles to a sweet woman 💋 ♀️

[noohair]

Be careful, you can't change other people, only yourself. If you try to change him you might break something.

[Anonymous]

Treat a woman like a princess and she walks all over you and cheats

[Asker]

I never cheated. If anything, I was the best girlfriend I could ever be towards them. Because they did these things to me, it made me give back not because I wanted more, but because that's the only way I can show them how much I appreciate them. The common reason why it ended with them is somewhere the lines of--and I quote, "You're better off without me." "You're amazing you know that? And I feel like I can't give you what you deserve." So please explain this to me.

[Firestar01]

Depends. What do you bring to the table? How do you treat them like a king?

[Asker]

I was the best girlfriend I ever be. For example, when my first boyfriend flew to visit me (we were long distance), I planned out all the dates and cooked for him during his entire stay, took care of him when he got sick, spent weeks decorating the room he stayed at before he arrived, designed our couples shirt on our anniversary, baked him sweets, packaged it and sent it to him on valentines days. I did similar things with my other ex. All the gifts I gave them were hand-made by me so they can never be bought elsewhere. I am an artist after all. To me, doing these things to my boyfriend are also only natural, and unlike you, I never had that mindset of "what do they bring to the table?". I did it because I wanted to, not because I have any ulterior motives. Now that I think about it, opening doors for me, carrying my stuff, etc were very simple and easy tasks compared to what I did for them.

[Firestar01]

That's good enough in my books. In this case, you aren't asking too much.

[molonski2]

Your expectations are wayyyyy too high , and why did the first two go? Mental illness..

You have answered your own question frankly , time to grow up frankly.

[Asker]

One was a long distance one and developed depression as he was in the military. The other was still healing from his own past trauma of getting cheated on so he let me go. Stop judging just because you can't hold a candle to these two people. No, they weren't perfect, but these men were also the ones who instilled this mindset to me. To this day, I still respect and hold them in high regard despite the unfortunate timing. I'm lucky because most girls I don't have the same opinion towards their exes.