Why would a man tell me he wants me to initiate more often?

Question

He used to text me everyday, but sometimes would not initiate 2-3 days in a row and my fearful avoidant thoughts would kick in and I started dating others, cause I didn’t want to get my heart broken and thought he didn’t care, I never once thought maybe I could initiate. Because I assumed if he wanted he would reach out himself.
Recently he admitted to me that he wants me to initiate sometimes too, so I’ve been doing that more often, does that mean he likes talking to me and all my doubts that maybe he no longer liked me where just my insecurities and I dated other people totally unreasonably out of my own fear and instead I could just initiate more?

DJB72 · Accepted Answer

Guys are incredibly simple creatures. If we're in a relationship with you, we don't want to be only in one role. We need to feel not only that we are meeting your desires, but that you are interested in meeting ours. And not exclusively sexually.

If we have to initiate every encounter every time it starts to feel like we're just there to scratch an itch. It's not exactly flattering. Put yourself in his position. If he only ever replies to you but never starts the conversation how would you feel?

I've seen marriages come apart after decades because that happened. My wife and I were trying to work through something similar last year. And not for the first time. It's not a matter of falling out of love, more like familiarity and taking each other for granted. We had been getting closer again and were working through the issues - again - when she passed away last year.

On the positive side, you can work through it. It's not easy if you're in a pattern already, but it's far from impossible.

If you like this guy and you think he's worth it then take the chance and try reaching out to initiate. I'd suggest starting with coffee to get used to making the first move - and telling him it's just to get used to it so he doesn't think you're friendzoning him.

SteveSmith1985 · Accepted Answer

This is a very easy one to answer confdently.

A guy wants you to initiate more because he wants to know that you're as interested in him as he is in you.

A guy will say this when he does definitely like you, but isn't sure that you like him back as much. Initiating makes it so a guy doesn't feel like he's chasing you, or putting himself out there initiating when you aren't feeling the same way.

You said:

"... does that mean he likes talking to me and all my doubts that maybe he no longer liked me where just my insecurities and I dated other people totally unreasonably out of my own fear and instead I could just initiate more?"

Yes, that is exactly what it means. I couldn't have put it better myself. This. Exactly.

🙂

DishLady · Accepted Answer

Bc (based on questions you’ve posted for a while now) you seem to be the passive game-playing type, so the guy wants some sort of assurance that you’re not just “there” and waiting for him to invest himself in you. Initiating is a personal investment that reassures him you’re in this too.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

It's very easy. I did it a lot when i was pregnant. Even when I wasn't that horny I'd reach over and start playing with his dick and give him a handjob or a blowjob. Usually he last 4 or 5 minutes.

Finchie40 · Answer

Because he likes you and doesn’t want you to feel like he is smothering you. Sometimes guys’ feel like if they constantly text or call a girl that he really
Likes , then she might get turned off by him, because he is investing way to much of his time into her and not giving her any breathing room , Sadly some girls’ are this way , that hate men that invest too much time into her and not giving her space. You girls’ need to realize we aren’t mind readers whatsoever , so when we really like a girl we don’t want her to sense we are desperate for her attention, we tend to like to see if she chases us as well, it’s not always the guys’ job to initiate , it’s ok for you girls to initiate as well , again we aren’t mind readers whatsoever So he gave you space hoping
You would text him or call him as well but since you didn’t he decided to text you 3 days later , but instead you ran to other guys’ lol

Summeroflove · Answer

Any genuine relationship takes equal effort if someone’s not showing me the same interest I'm showing I just assume the same thing you did and begin moving on.

I just start to assume they aren’t really that into me which is reasonable to assume if I’m doing all the initating or that someone’s just one sided. Either way it’s not worth my time.

HawkPerception · Answer

It's always draining when men ALWAYS have to be the ones to initiate. Men want to feel desired too. There is stepping up, intiating, and being a man, but if he's always the one reaching out to you, it can feel like you don't even care to talk to him.

AviatorTom · Answer

It means he likes you, enjoys chatting with you, but doesn't want to always be the one in control. He wants you to do that sometimes.

Shiprex · Answer

Wooof this is some level of poor communication.

You went off with other guys because he wasn't giving you daily attention? Your aware of your personality and instead of reaching out you just picked up the next simp to fawn over you?

Wake up girl this is not a romance novel. These are people who have feelings and desires too. If you like him COMMUNICATE with him. It's a two way street to be in a relationship and you're parked on one side waiting to be towed.

Lynx122 · Answer

Yes. It feels shitty when only one person initiates the conversation. It means that if he didn't reach out you would just never talk to him again. So if that's the case it means he's not important to you and you're just talking to him because he's putting in all the effort.

OneViewpoint · Answer

Yes, you're a n insecure self absorbed mess who's blind to the fact that a guy who gets zero initiation from you is left to make his own assumptions about your behavior.

ROFL, you're upset because he doesn't initiate as often as YOU think he should. He on the other hand is evaluating a woman who NEVER initiates.

Your insecure, self absorbed response was to immediately start dating other people.

Most men would simply assume you're not interested and stop trying since it seems like you're a waste of their time. In your case this guy was right.

C'mon, it NEVER occurred to you that you could text him? You didn't know text works in either direction. Or were you playing female power games making him "chase" you. Were you afraid of rejection and dumping all the risk on him?

Like I said, you're a mess. I'd dump you and move on.

Blunky · Answer

Probably because of the push-pull dynamic with that attachment style. You pull him in because you want the relationship to work but you also push him away out of fear of being hurt.

That gets confusing as hell and exhausting to try to figure out which is happening. The more you initiate, the more he can figure out how to better initiate with you himself to avoid your triggers / respect your boundaries. Communication is key.

adventurous-1 · Answer

Because he's interested in you, but doesn't want to be the only one working for the relationship. He wants to know if you see him as worthy for your effort in making things work. If you're that insecure then maybe just forget about a relationship as they take work and communication, and I noticed that you made no effort initially to find out why he didn't contact you but just dropped him for someone else rather than find out why he had not spoken to you. I'd take that as you're not really interested or not willing to put in an effort so time to move on to someone who is. Relationships are a two way street and require both people to apply themselves and fail if only one person is making the effort.

ProbablyClueless · Answer

"does that mean he likes talking to me and all my doubts that maybe he no longer liked me where just my insecurities and I dated other people totally unreasonably out of my own fear and instead I could just initiate more?"

Yup, that's exactly what that means.

QuestionObsession · Answer

Correct! Because why should the guy have to make the effort/ initiate all the time and the girl should only respond when he intiates? That is one-sided and boring. Equal effort is mandatory and if someone explicitly asks for it, then all the more necessary.

Cormac995 · Answer

Do your seriously need someone to tell you that if you ignore your boyfriend and don't give him attention back you're going to make him unhappy? How is this so hard to grasp? If you're dating, you should be fine to initiate things and you need to sometimes. Why would anyone want to be in a relationship where they do all the work? Then it's not a relationship it's a parasitic relationship.

IslaTheWitch · Answer

if you like him to initiate it's as nice for him if you do it... :D

Anonymous · Answer

I don't know how women think men aren’t human, of course he wants reciprocation, and you started dating people instead of communicating? Cmon now, you shouldn’t even be dating if you can’t speak up.🫠

retarb · Answer

First of all, don't cheat. That's for losers who will die alone. Secondly, yes, you need to give love to get love. Text him, kiss him, love him. Gotta wake up in the morning asking yourself what you can give your boy, because your boy is doing that for you.

Nikki1989 · Answer

Insecurity. He might be seeking reassurance that you still desire him.

stratford · Answer

He wants to feel wanted like all people. It's a big issue in modern society that women feel that the man has to do all the dating work.

NathanDavis · Answer

when I am into someone... I don't even care about "initiating"  we're going to talk every day, either way... period

Truthatanycost · Answer

He hasn't realised (yet) that as soon as you feel the need to tell someone how to treat you... it's already over.

trumpetplayerforlife · Answer

It sucks when its one sided and when you always have to send the first text you think the other person doesn't want to talk

fish5505_87 · Answer

What the guy down below said, lol. My wife was like that at first, if she never initiates, I feel like she's doing me a favor, and doesn't really want me. That only lasted the first year, she is very shy, now I feel like tables have turned!

chrissykerdock · Answer

some men don't want to ask for a blowjob but expect you to know when it's time

WhitneySnow · Answer

You can trust him. Go ahead and initiate sometimes. He’s not gonna leave you.

RingOfFire · Answer

How does your profile say that you're in a relationship, yet you're having these experiences with all these other guys?

DrPepper12 · Answer

So do it! Growth only comes from vulnerability.

grega239 · Answer

Because not doing so makes it look like a one sided relationship. You won't believe this but men want to feel loved too.

Uglygaypoorcoward94 · Answer

it seems like you're not interested in him as he has to do ALL the work

Bklynbadboy12 · Answer

Cause he doesn't want to be that one always putting in the effort. Women have to realize men want to feel special too

Anonymous · Answer

It's really simple, stop making him do all the work.. Women for some reason believe that men should be the only ones making an effort.

kaucky1 · Answer

Bad idea to do seduction on the other guy they not made like me their belief gotten them screwed

PaleDale · Answer

It's more difficult for those with fear avoidant attachment styles to initiate things. I get it

In_Trance · Answer

Probably because he wants you to initiate more often

Ariesman81 · Answer

Chase me! Chase me... Nah... we good

nawtee_me · Answer

Sounds good to me….

Pterodon · Answer

Because it makes us feel desirable

RedInnocent69 · Answer

He wants you to initiate more often

Anonymous · Answer

Maybe he likes dominant girls ;)

Despina6 · Answer

I don’t wanna feel one-sided.

locusteo · Answer

Because he is failing in life.

Agape93 · Answer

Nope

Why would a man tell me he wants me to initiate more often?

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