I’m just out of a relationship and still hurting. Why is my friend forcing me to get back out there dating?

[Anonymous]

I know it’s not bad, but this rant is because I have a friend who invited herself into my dating life and won’t butt out. She got out of a relationship herself about a year ago and got right into another one. Granted this one is a happy one, but she’s too much.

Admittedly, I had a wall up around me for years because of being hurt too many times. I didn’t want to date, but ended up getting back into dating because she wouldn’t get off my ass about it. Always asking me to let her fix me up with single men she knew (I always said no), then I get back on the dating apps and she literally took my phone out of my hand and started swiping on guys for me. One messaged me and within two seconds she’s messaging him from my account and asking him to go out with me. Guy then thought I was easy and started telling me all the perverted sexual crap he wanted to do to me on the date and she’s telling me to let him do it. I finally met someone who I really liked, dated him for 10 months and really fell hard for him. We broke up two weeks ago and all I want to do is take a break from dating to let myself heal…. and she’s not letting me.

Tonight we had plans for dinner, which I thought was going to be me and her, she comes to my house an hour and a half before the meal and tells me to dress nice and put on makeup. I thought it was to lift my spirits, but as it turns out when we get to the restaurant her boyfriend is there with a friend of his who was supposedly “dying” to take me out on a date (both 20 years older than us and the guy wasn’t my type). So I asked her if she led me there under false pretenses to fix me up against my wishes and her answer was “yup”. I let her have it afterwards. Her reasoning was that I shouldn’t be healing, I should be dating an older man and let him be a part of my healing.

I’m not ready to date. Why can’t she understand that?

Updates

1 y

Since I forgot to include this, she’s been told to stop several times, by myself and others. She means well but won’t take “no” for an answer.

[Finchie40]

Your girlfriend is toxic and you are best to end you friendship with her as well or take a break from her , you need to put your foot down to her and tell her straight out that you are No longer Going to tolerate the fact that she doesn’t listen to you whatsoever , tell her to stay out of your business and to only worry about herself , tell her you are perfectly capable of meeting someone when you feel ready to do so , if she can’t respect your decision then she is best to stay away from you for awhile. , She isn’t Going to like what you say to her , so you are best to say what you need to say to her , and walk the other way , Ignore her calls or texts until she gets it through her thick head , that you are no longer tolerating her toxic behavior. Even though she probably thinks she means well , it is not her job to make decisions for you. Friends’ like that you are best to distance yourself from because they don’t listen to you , they like controlling you period

[Finchie40]

I just read your update , so you are best to stop answering her calls and texts and ignore her as much as possible , hopefully she eventually gets the hint that you are no longer tolerating her shit

[Makeushiver]

She's likely thinking something along the lines of "when you fall off a galloping horse the best thing to do is get right back on it. Though it was likely done with best ; some people want a little more time between relationships

[Asker]

I think that is what she’s thinking tbh

[HollyK21]

Unless I missed it (and apologies if I did), where’s the part where you communicated your boundaries to your friend? Why are you acting like this is your parent forcing you to go to school and you don’t have a choice in the matter vs two grown women who are supposed to be friends that can communicate with each other?

[Asker]

You didn’t miss it. I neglected to include it, but she does this with all of her single friends (male and female but more so with her women friends). She’s been told to stop by myself and several others, but most eventually give in because she is good at matchmaking unfortunately and also in the event that you tell her no she just oversteps and argues with you about it.

[Asker]

I don’t cut contact because she does have a lot of good points and she does mean well, and also I’ve known her too long. She wasn’t always like this but once we hit 35 she went into panic mode about being single and for some reason panicked for the rest of us also

[HollyK21]

How did you go about it with relaying your boundaries? Trust me I get where you’re coming from with this sort of friend, mine was quite the same and I’ve known her over 15 years. She also tries to matchmake for everyone and it’s almost an obsession it seems. People like her just don’t understand unless you’re firm, which is why I ask how you went about setting that boundary.

If it was in a lighthearted tone, maybe a bit jokey so that her feelings aren’t hurt or you don’t create tension between you, or anything along those lines, she just won’t take you serious. With my friend I had to send her a very lengthy text just saying that I appreciate her but to please stop with that because it made me uncomfortable. If flat out ignore if she tried mentioning my dating life or steer the conversation in another route entirely. You have to make you boundary like a wall for her to repeatedly hit until she finally understands that shit isn’t cool. And if all this fails and she still won’t respect you, I’d really create some distance. Maybe not cut her off completely but just keeping her at arms length. Despite her redeeming qualities there’s just no good reason to entertain this dynamic. Jokes aside it’s blatantly disrespectful and a good friend doesn’t force their ideologies onto people.

[Asker]

I originally just gave a simple “no thanks”. She persisted and then it turned into arguing about why I needed a man in my life (I have a hard time trusting men. This fuckstick that just broke up with me is the first one that I trusted in years and even he wasn’t as good as I thought he was). So then when I got tired of arguing with her I would just say “next subject please” and talk about something else.

[KateCrombie]

She wants your mind to be diverted… but i don’t think you should go for another relationship unless you’re willing to…. Because if you enter into it forcefully… it will end rlly bad

[Nikki1989]

I must be missing something here. Where is the forcing part?

It seems to me she just wants you to move forward instead of playing the victim card.

[Asker]

Bringing me to that restaurant under false pretense to get me to go on a double date with that guy (when she knew I would have said “no” otherwise) was the forcing part. Yes I get moving forward, but that doesn’t mean I have to go back to dating just yet. It’s only been two weeks and I’ve told her I just want to be single for a while before meeting anyone else, but she doesn’t get it. She got dumped last year, met her current boyfriend a week later and they were serious after about a month. I’m glad it worked for her, but I want to fully heal from my breakup before getting into another relationship.

[slatyb]

How can your friend force you to do anything? Learn to say "no". Consider seeing a counselor to work on this.

[Asker]

I have. Several times actually, she doesn’t take no for an answer and just argues about it. I forgot to include that (my mistake). I don’t even argue with her about it anymore, I just say “next subject please”. That’s why she did it under false pretense this time.

[slatyb]

"under a false pretense?" Then she's not a friend. Stop seeing her.

[PeachyPie93]

People who don't listen to you are not a friend. I would have already ditched this person ages ago.

[ProbablyClueless]

She knows what worked for her, and she thinks it would work for you too.

[Staximus]

Just tell her that's enough of her bullshit and she's overstepping your boundaries by trying to manage your love life.

[MannMitAntworten]

Your timeline is your timeline. You might need some space between you and your friend.

[Godihateyou]

The best way to get over a guy is to get under another one.