What Should You Do When Jealousy Makes You Avoid a Place You Once Enjoyed?

Question

A few weeks ago I met an attractive woman at a kava bar I’ve frequented for years. She’s attractive, around 30, and has a solid career. We had a great first conversation. She smiled a lot, made eye contact, and leaned in while we talked. Her body language felt warm and open. It didn’t feel casual. I sensed real chemistry. We talked for about 20 minutes. I didn’t ask for her number, but I figured I’d see her again.

How It Played Out

An older friend I’ve known for a long time had been trying to connect us
I had seen her before, usually on her laptop
One night she sat next to me and started the conversation
She laughed at my jokes and seemed engaged
I didn’t act on it. Thought it was a good intro and not to push it (knowing I would see her again). I wasn't looking to approach women that night.
A week later, my friend told me she started dating someone else
He didn’t get it. Said the guy was loud, goofy, and not very attractive
I’ve now seen them together three times at my favorite spot
I get what my friend meant. The guy seems immature and over the top
But I know it's her choice. Maybe that says something about her judgment. Maybe that’s a sign it would not have worked

I haven’t spoken to her again. I keep my distance. But I did glance a few short times at her direction. She glanced back quickly.

What’s Ruined

The kava bar used to be my escape. I work two jobs from home and spend most of the day alone. That place helped me feel normal. Now I walk in and feel anxious. The jealousy has taken over. It’s hard to enjoy the one place that used to calm me down.

What I’m Wrestling With

Should I keep going and stay polite?
Should I stop going and lose a spot that helped me? Jealousy is really killing me
If she says something, should I engage or keep it brief?
How do you move on when the reminder is always there?

Any real advice would help. I didn’t expect it to hit this hard.

Oliverlogan263 · Accepted Answer

Damn, that's a tough situation, bro. I can totally understand why the jealousy is hitting you so hard. Seeing your crush with someone else at your go-to spot has got to be really painful.

It's understandable that you're feeling anxious going back there now. That place used to be your escape, your sanctuary, and now it's just a constant reminder of what could have been. Jealousy can really mess with your head like that.

As for what to do, I think you've gotta weigh a few options. On one hand, you could try to keep going and just be polite if you run into them. Don't engage more than you have to, but don't completely avoid the place either. That way you don't lose that important space.

On the other hand, if it's really messing with your mental health, then taking a break from that spot for a while might be the best thing. Your well-being has to come first, even if it means losing that escape. You can always try going back later when the sting isn't so fresh.

If she does say something to you, I'd keep it brief and cordial. No need to get confrontational or make a big deal out of it. Just a simple "hey, how's it going?" type of thing.

Ultimately, you're gonna have to find a way to let this go and move on. It sucks that she chose someone else, but that's her decision. Try not to dwell on it or read too much into her judgment. Focus on yourself and your own happiness.

Maybe try finding some other spots or activities that can give you that same sense of calm and normalcy. Or lean on your other friends and support systems when the jealousy starts to creep in. You got this, bro. Don't let this one hiccup ruin something that was so important to you.

HawkPerception · Accepted Answer

Sadly, things change. I used to frequent a bar myself with friends every Monday back in my early 20s. It was karaoke day to bring more people to their bar. It was fun. I have a ton of great memories there. Singing stupidly with friends, getting drinks, sharing loaded nachos. It was a great outlet and the only socializing I really did back then. It literally lit up my life.

Well, some drama happened one day, and it changed everything forever. I used to avoid it just because certain people would be there. Now many years have passed by and I tried going there for the nostalgia. It's not the same. The vibe's entirely gone. The place seems dead.

You just have to accept it and move on. You gotta look for other places or things that fill the void a little. Can't say life always gets better, because sometimes it doesn't, but it's definitely an emotional roller coaster.

Ariesman81 · Answer

Have you never watched a movie? Here's the play. First... find out who her rival is. This should be easy to do. Second... send them both a premade email from the coffee shop saying that they've won free coffee for a year. They just have to come pick up the gift card at a date and time you specify. Third... when they've both arrived, flirt with the new girl in front of the old girl. Fourth... calmly acknowledge the old girl as you walk past her on your way out the door. Fifth... sit back and wait for her text.

Selene1600000 · Answer

You didn’t lose anything real with her you had a brief interaction, not an established relationship, so the jealousy is more about missed potential than reality. Keep going to the kava bar if it matters to your life, but stop watching them and stay focused on your own experience there. If you want closure, be polite but brief, and let the situation fade instead of feeding it with attention.