I am a 29 year old male virgin. Also diagnosed autistic with PTSD. If I heal, would I still have a chance at dating?

[Anonymous]

I am posting this anonymously on a throwaway account. I am 29 years old based in Canada, and for the past 15 years of my life I have been wanting to date women casually throughout my teens and my 20s. The problem with me stemmed from the fact that I had a Dad who I strongly suspected was a malignant narcissist. When I worked with him on a renovation project when I was 19, I had my sister and a friend work with me along with my Dad and my sisters friends. I noticed that whenever I asked him questions, he would scream and yell at me "Get back to work!" or at my sister but praise our friends for a job well done and applaud and praise them.

When my Dad urged me to dance with a woman at a country band and I attempted to do so, he laughed at me in front of his friend and telling me "Don't do that EVER again!" He would give me dirty looks or even yell or scream at me if I didn't do what he wanted the moment he wanted it done. He was also abusive towards my mother and my younger sisters, but to add insult to injury he assaulted me by wrestling me to the floor in my own bedroom when I was 13 and another time when I was 26. My mother also suspects that he may have touched my youngest sister at 9 and he may have done the same to me and my oldest sister when we were kids. The last time I ever saw him, he was flying into a rage at me and my mother before he was arrested. There has been a restraining order against him for coming back to house. My mother will be going to trial to finalize the divorce next year.

I want to heal from this and I want to date the women that I want. I went to school for web development/design and I made a website for a client, but the trauma is interfering with the progression of my career as well as thoughts of suicide that I had throughout my 20s. I know I am at an age where I "should" be settling down but I feel emotionally and mentally stunted like I am still the teenager who has yet to go on his first date in a near 30 year old man's body.

[Zack-Bann]

I’ll give you advice that works all the time but you’ll never find in a place like Canada


SUCK IT THE FUCK UP


You’re a grown ass man.
Saying you’re struggling from “pTsD” because your dad was a big ol’ meanie no longer works as an excuse to do nothing


You’re old enough to stop basing your personality and actions on those of your parents


Just design the person you want to be and be that person


Excuses will keep you spinning in place


There are people in life who struggle far worse than you and still find ways to make things happen for themselves


Who cares what your dad said to you some summer 10 years ago
It’s been 10 YEARS. And chances are he was wrong. You’re old enough to know parents are humans too and they don’t know everything

[Asker]

Clearly you can't relate as you've never had any parents who were narcissistic. He was arrested and criminally charged this year for assaulting my mother and even months after the fact it has affected my ability to even function. I can't even get a good night's sleep because I hear his voice screaming and yelling at me outside my window when he isn't there. Even my sisters who are 27 and 20 cannot even leave the house. The 27 year old hid in her bedroom closet when guests came over to the house. Even when I do something productive or things are going well, I can't shake the feeling that something is going to go wrong or that good days aren't a guarantee. I can't even approach women without shaking or experiencing tunnel vision or heart palpitations. I can't even say the word "Hello" to new people that I haven't met before. This is why I am seeking therapy to get these issues fixed instead of allowing them to proliferate and using it as an excuse to not do anything with my life like others have. Either you are a troll who's posting ragebait with the intention of getting a rise out of some random person on the Internet that you know nothing about or you're making uneducated assumptions without knowing the full context of what's happened. Comments like yours are exactly the reason why men are afraid to talk about their problems that they have deep within their heads and they statistically end up killing themselves because they bottled them up to seem strong.

[Zack-Bann]

I sympathize with you, I really do

And you’re right my dad would never hurt my mom
But he’s also toxically self centered and far from a perfect man

The problem is your therapist will do what all therapists do
See you as a cash cow
Push you into long winded expensive procedures to heal your mind

When the tried and true “suck it up and move on” works just fine

Places like Canada and other very politically correct countries are too afraid of this approach
But it works
It’s worked for centuries

I’m not trying to troll you man.
Your story is sad

But it’s also not unusual.
People deal with stuff and live on
Don’t let the actions of others that have shaped your past shape your future

[SueShe]

I am not going to hide the fact that being on the autistic spectrum does make things a little complicated. Also, as you know, there are a number of degrees of severity of the autistic spectrum.

The fact that you write here leads me to believe that you are probably only on the level 1 and that you have a fairly good chance of finding the right person for you. I would be more worried about the PTSD but even that could be addressed by the right person and taken care of. That might be a lengthy process but it is possible to have that PTSD more or less under control.

You must not project what happened to you when you were younger because this is what is likely going to make it difficult to find someone. If you try to leave what happened behind and not always take it as a reference for your future life, then there is no reason why you could not find a girlfriend. The thing is that you have to get outside your comfort zone. Good luck.

[Nikki1989]

There are people way worse off than you that are successfully dating. You will be fine if you dump your negative mindset.

[Asker]

I haven't even kissed a girl yet despite being told by my friends and family that I am an attractive man. It's not me being negative, I'm stating an objective fact. I spent my teens and my 20s having no self-esteem (which was made worse by the abuse from my father, as well his screaming and rage) in addition to feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy. It's almost like I was in a state of arrested development psychologically, that I was stuck at the age of 13 where the abuse had intensified if not already started. I was also prone to depression as well as anxiety and panic attacks in addition to suicide attempts that were not successful. That being said, I don't want to feel this way anymore and I want to get better, this is why I am talking to a therapist and getting a diagnosis from a psychiatrist for PTSD related symptoms. I can pursue the web development perfectly fine, there are platforms outside of typical job boards in Canada that offer remote work outside of the country but for the dating, how can I proceed with it while seeking psychological help and improving my self image?

[In_Trance]

Smh..