How bad did I screw up?

[Coyote12]

I (31m) went on a 5th date with this girl (34f). Everything was going great as usual. We were eating then she suggested going to the lake or watch a movie at her sister's house (where she lives right now).

I asked if she thought her sister think it would be ok for me to come over. She then changed her mind because she didn't want her sister to think we are boyfriend/girlfriend. In a joking tone, I said "ok how about 2 more dates and we can be boyfriend/girlfriend".

I can't remember all of it but she was questioning why date 7 then I said "ok maybe date 9". Again I thought I was making it obvious that I was joking. Then I said "ugh, you are so difficult". She became cold when I said that. Head facing away, arms crossed in the truck.

She said she didn't feel good (English isn't her first language). I knew what upset her and apologized from my heart. She said she wanted to go home and search her feelings. So I brought her home. I asked if I could get out with her and she agreed.

She gave me a hug and I apologized once again. I asked for a second hug and we hugged a little longer. She offered me leftover Halloween candy and I accepted. I asked if I could still text her and she still said yes (I'm not sure if it was a real yes though). I texted her I made it home but left me on read.

She is leaving for a week trip on Monday. Should I wait until she gets back? Judging from how she reacted at her house how bad do you think I screwed up?

I've lost sleep over this one. Thank you for your time reading this.

[Amy_Mi]

It sounds like your joking comments about “dates until boyfriend/girlfriend” may have come across as pressuring or dismissive, even if your intention was playful.

The key takeaway is that she felt a bit uncomfortable or misunderstood, and you recognized it quickly, apologized sincerely, and respected her space.

That shows awareness and care, which goes a long way.

Right now, giving her space while she’s on her trip is the best move.

A thoughtful, light message when she returns acknowledging her feelings and expressing you’d like to continue getting to know her will show maturity without adding pressure.

In short you didn’t “screw up” irreversibly, but the situation highlights the importance of reading cues and avoiding teasing around sensitive topics, especially in early dating.

[Coyote12]

When you say "you didn't screw up irreversibly" do you mean I didn't screw up that it's not fixable?

[HollyK21]

If you really like her then I’d say it’s worth having a serious conversation before she leaves. I wonder what would cause her to say that you’re so difficult, like has she had any prior grievances? I’d also want some clarity on the whole 7-9 date exchange, because personally I can’t tell if she’s upset that you (jokingly) suggested 2 more dates before making it official or if she felt like things were rushed. I don't know how long you two were dating before all this, but if it’s been like 2-3 months I’d say that’s a fair point in the relationship to make things official. There just seems to be a good amount of confusion and I’d wanna clarify all that now before being on standby for a week.

[Abbycado]

Ty, Holly.

[HollyK21]

Of course!☺️💛

[Abbycado]

You’re in for a treat if my tag stays XD

[Coyote12]

Hello master Holly (lol). She is leaving tomorrow and she lives 1hr away. I'm not sure if there is confusion but I'm the one that said "you are so difficult". She has been divorced for little over a year. She said on date 4 that she likes how slow things are going but on date 5 she said "it's up to you" on when we should be official. We been talking since September 24th and went out on the 26th.

[Coyote12]

Sorry if it sounds like I'm rambling. I'm mad at myself and have a cloudy mind right now.

[Abbycado]

Don’t worry. It’s not over in my opinion.

[Coyote12]

Thank you for the reassurance and optimism @Abbycado

[Abbycado]

@Coyote12 you are lucky. With this site, I’m not optimistic with users. Just ask Holly.

You seem genuine.

[Coyote12]

Those words mean more than you think. I truly try to be a better person than I was yesterday. Your kind words actually brought a tear to my eye. I hope you and Holly are right because this girl is so sweet and caring.

[Abbycado]

I’ve known Holly for a while. We DM here and there. She’s a good woman. She’s also more equipped to answer your questions. I put my full weight by her response. That’s how highly I think of her.

Another that I think massively highly of is @sueshue. She has been a close friend from afar. Although, this would not be her cup of tea, heh 😏

[Abbycado]

Fuck. @SueShe

[HollyK21]

Love ya Abby! You are a wealth of knowledge yourself, we’re so lucky to have you and the few gems left on this site riddled with trolls lmao😂💛

[HollyK21]

@Coyote12 apologies, I definitely misread that part as her saying you’re so difficult. Goodness, she’s got a lot going on. The issue is, she’s pretty fresh out of that relationship, and I say this because they were most likely together longer than they’ve been apart.

Usually when a couple divorces, one or both parties are done with the relationship. Still, I think some people get so eager to be done with a person and move on that they don’t do the personal work to heal when they need to, and that’s what I get from the woman in question. To be honest she sounds kinda wishy washy, unsure if she’s ready for a relationship or not and I don’t think that’s fair for her to put anyone through.

When I started dating my fiancé officially, it was about 2 1/2 months into seeing each other and I had zero doubts about him. The pace was fine, there was no rush, it’s just that if already we’re only seeing each other and have no interest in dating someone else then why not put a title on it? Not like boyfriend/girlfriend is marriage, after all. This woman you’re seeing doesn’t really seem sure of what she wants, and who knows maybe this experience with you is unearthing some trauma that she really needs to address, and to be single while she does it rather than being so eager to date again.

This has a lot to do with you as well, because while yes she may be sweet and you see potential with her, what you don’t want is to be paying for another man’s sins at any capacity.

[HollyK21]

Could you stay quiet and let this all blow over as the week passes? Sure, that’s the safe way. But something like this, where she isn’t communicating or expressing herself properly isn’t a trait that goes away in a few days. It takes real accountability, real work, and you don’t wanna be walking on egg shells in the future out of fear that you’ll say something wrong. I mean already you apologized deeply and in excess for making a simple joke that she turned into a problem, do you really wanna live that way going forward?

[Coyote12]

@HollyK21 that's exactly what I'm going to do. I was going to message her next Saturday. I don't want to smother her.

[HollyK21]

You’re more than welcome to wait until next Saturday. I’m ultimately just saying that this issue is part of her, it isn’t going anywhere in a few days, and just because the topic is uncomfortable doesn’t mean you’re smothering her by bringing it up. Part of being in a relationship of any kind is being able to talk about the hard topics.

What you don’t want is to condition yourself to be quiet, to wait, to brush it off. That just leads to both silencing yourself and plain old toxicity. You’ve been talking to her since September, that’s just a little over a month and already you’re adjusting your boundaries to accommodate hers. This isn’t me giving you a hard time whatsoever— I get where you’re coming from, I respect it and I’m totally here to chat in the future if you need to. I’m just giving you honesty, from an outside perspective and advising that you act in your best interest before you’re too emotionally invested (or in love) and letting her go is 10x harder. Right now it would suck, it would hurt your feelings but it wouldn’t break your heart like if you deeply loved her.

No judgment whatsoever if you hang in there. Just recognize what you’d be dealing with.

[AgentG111]

You were being decent and joking around and reassurance was given. A text of have a safe trip and see you when you get back or let's go out after you get back and see about how things go from there.
If she's truly wanting numerous dates and gets upset over something that small, I'd seriously look at moving along.

[Coyote12]

I was going to but after she left me on read when I got home makes me want to wait for a few days.

[AgentG111]

Valid point, she said you could text her, she didn't say she'd respond or answer.

[Abbycado]

Sort of. I think it is salvageable, but you should not put a timer on titles in a relationship.

[Coyote12]

I know I shouldn't. It was a poor way to fix the situation. I only meant it as a joke.

[Coyote12]

But at least she gave me 2 hugs and some candy so that means something right?

[Abbycado]

Well, you did and didn't if you’re honest with yourself. It is obvious you really want that.

It isn’t over. Just back off a bit and give her some control. @HollyK21 gives great advice. I’ve been in two relationships. So, I can only try to think how I would act or react.

[Coyote12]

I'm being 100% honest. This kinda feels like a break up lol. Thank you for your kind words ❤️

[HollyK21]

Just shared a comment, hopefully it helps!☺️

[Anonymous]

Not at all. You didn’t do anything wrong. I only have your story to go on, but based on this she’s acting very weird. Honestly if I were in your situation I’d question if we were a match at all if she’s reacting and acting this way for nothing.

[Coyote12]

I'm telling the story from the bottom of my heart. She is from Vietnam so I think there might be some cultural differences.