Am I sabotaging a good man or is he moving too fast and crossing my emotional boundaries?

Question

I’ve been talking to a guy since May. He’s kind, respectful, emotionally available and very serious about me. He openly talks about marriage and a future together. On paper, he’s everything I say I want, a loyal, family-oriented man.

But from the beginning, I wasn’t really into him. He even came to see me in France once, and although everything was “good,” I didn’t feel a real connection. I tried to end things, but we started talking again later. We met during another event a few months later, and it’s when I told him we have to talk now for real. Now he’s coming to France so we can “talk things through,” and we planned to spend a 3-day weekend together. At first I was a bit excited… until he became too intense.

He tells people he’s “taken,” his friends and even his parents know about me, and he talks about me like I’m already his girlfriend, even though I never agreed to that.

I even told him before to please not push too much because pressure makes me uncomfortable and pushes me away. I told him I need space to think and feel naturally. He said he understood… but his behavior since then shows the opposite. Instead of slowing down, he accelerated.

I got really mad when one of his friends who’s just an acquaintance to me texted me telling how loyal he is during the parities and tells everyone he is already taken.

He texts constantly, sends reels, plans the future, and gets more excited every day. Instead of feeling special, I feel overwhelmed, pressured, and suffocated. I even cried when he said his parents were asking about me. His notifications don’t excite me, and I’m not looking forward to seeing him.

The confusing part is that I DO want marriage and a serious relationship. So now I’m trapped in my own head: am I sabotaging something good out of fear of commitment, even though I want commitment? Or is this emotional shutdown a sign he’s moving way too fast and crossing my boundaries?

If you were in my place, what would you do?

Summeroflove · Accepted Answer

If you’re not interested in him like that… Okay at the beginning I understand anything is possible entertain the idea maybe you’ll develop feelings and maybe it will work.

You aren’t just hurting yourself in this situation…. You’re hurting him. If he’s such a good man then does he not deserve a woman whose compatible? Does a woman whose compatible not deserve him? Does that mean you’re bad? No. It means maybe he isn’t the right one.

NOW…. When you have set boundaries and been clear with him that you’re not ready for that yet. But he keeps pushing and telling people things. That’s where he is crossing the line whether it’s nefarious or not. You need to be respectful but clear with him…. Reading more into this it does seem you’re trying to do the right thing. Which…. Unfortunately many people don’t either because they’re cowards or will waste someone’s time and energy as a hold over for better.

It does make me wonder…. The only thing worse then future faking…. Is rushing someone into a relationship too fast and being too pushy. Maybe he’s not all that he seems to be…. And on paper he seems one way but in your head you’re noticing something off about him. Well…. Dark personality’s make themselves look good on the outside and on paper.

They have a deep sense of entitlement and cannot take no for a answer. They feel entitled to be in a relationship with or use anyone in any way they see fit. That’s how they think… I think you’re on to something.

Most people yeah…. If they really like someone having someone cut it off sucks but at the end of the day. They would rather someone be honest with them and are respectful of others boundaries as they wouldn’t want someone crossing theirs.

But you will notice double standards. Such as…. He will not tolerate things from you that he does to you. He’s using others now. Yeah… you need to be firm with this one.

He is a used car salesman promising you things that are too good to be true… and rushing you into signing the contract before you can read the fine print. That’s how these people operate and you will get fucked over in the end.

HighValue · Accepted Answer

You likely want a man that cheats on you, abuses you, and eventually will leave you as a single mother eventually. That is what the majority of women want. They are mentally unstable. The majority of women sabotage good men and good relationships. Just don't even complain in life when you have a bad partner that mistreats you, or when you have no partner at all, because based on this, you deserve it.

You've been together for 6 months. That isn't pushing you, if anything he has been patient. You should have broken up long ago if you serous. What a waste of time. FYI, MOST women give bad relationship and life advice, especially the ones on here. The main thing ruining most women's relationship prospects is other women giving stupid advice. If someone tells the truth, they claim he "hates women" because they are so delusional and incompetent. Go listen to women if you want a bad life, it is ultimately YOU that will have to live with your life choices.

Noredcarpet · Accepted Answer

The way I get it. If Im wrong please tell me, is that the two of you do not know one another well. Half if not more of the relationship is at the present built on this fairytale were I think the blanks are filled in from your abscence imagination and longing.

Maybe Im not the one to talk but I remember my partner would start telling people he had met this girl (me) and he felt serious about her (well me). He had no idea that what he had said started reactions this way and that way, ex and flirtations reacting like wildfire, from the way I've understood it later on his parents were alerted. The only one, it seemed, that was cool about it was for some reason me. But I honestly was not so amused to deal with all these people pushing their way into my life like that. It would have been better if he had just shut up and allow us to simply be, get to know one another, without all that. One thing I did see happen with him is that he then stood at that spot, he did not continue to hurry on in the same or more intense, so after that we could and did tske things in our own pace and were left pretty much alone which I think is something we both needed. What I mean by all this is that this can just be his first excitement but that he must understand that you two have to come to an agreement first of all what you are, were you stand, at what pace you're going. And primarily get the time you need to get to know one another, and this takes time. And that he don't let everyone in your life until the both of you agree to it. He needs to first of all communicate and get your approval before he does anything else. At this point it is a matter of respect. You have not been included. He needs to change this. You are not wrong about how you feel because he has excluded you in his excitement. Wait and see how it goes. You could tell him "I say this for the last time, it's important to me you hear me out. I need this from you now...". He can't change what he's done but he can change from there on and that would be what I would look out for.

SueShe · Accepted Answer

It seems as if that guy is in a hurry to settle. I don't know if his parents are pushing him to do so and if he does not want to disappoint them.

He does not seem to understand that you need your space to think and he believes that the more often he is close to you, the quicker the entire thing will be finalized. He must be pretty desperate to find a match if he comes over from God knows where to France just to meet you for a few days. That is pure desperation in my eyes.

You need to tell him that at this rate, nothing will ever happen because rather than to bond you, his insistence is separating you. Putting you under such pressure has the exact opposite effect.

I don't personally think that you are ready for this particular guy and you need to let him know.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

Close your eyes and pretend that he came to France again, you talked, and you ended things with him. You sent him away and he promised to never return. Think about that and try to make that real in your head. Do you feel relieved or devastated?

Finchie40 · Answer

It’s a sign that he isn’t the guy for you period , because the truth is, you don’t have passion for him and that’s why you are feeling the way that you are , You are best to be upfront and honest with him and tell him you no longer want to see him and not
To come visit you , just be honest and tell him you don’t feel the spark and you want to be with someone that gives you that spark. Say I’m sorry but I am just being honest with you

Jessica405 · Answer

He is pushing wayyyyy too fast. He dooesn't understand that YOUR neds are not the same as his. He is just looking to get a ring on your finger.

Call it off before you get sucked in any further.

Then take stock of what you really want. If he can't go at your pace, move on, and find someone who can.

AviatorTom · Answer

For most women, he'd be a "keeper". You're not sure though, if he's the guy for you. Only you can decide that. @olderandwiser has some excellent advice for you.

MecheD · Answer

I’m sorry but you are sabotaging. All that he does out of respect for you is his own choice. Which should be championed. Most guys don’t do that in fact until a status is solidified they still act single and some even just let side relationships fizzle themselves out without setting boundaries or ending them for you. I get that there is no initial attraction. Which causes you to undervalue this man. This is the time to investigate and build with him. Most people are dating as if they’re a drug addicted. All that you claim to want he embodies but now you have to also put in that effort.

Anonymous · Answer

Not to say anything bad of him, but this is a selfish approach of him.. same as in some movies. Might not be intentional, but self-centered or rude in a way.

If we truly respect someone or want to help them, we see the best that fits for them along with what goes good for us.
In short, balance. If someone can't balance or is not willing to, then they are not welcome in a close circle.. not to say marriage. That would be my opinion.

You first might try ask your parents or his or his closest friends to tell him to understand that and give space. If it doesn't work. Then quietly apologize to him, that you both can't continue and end it there.

Bitter_Sweet94 · Answer

It’s not sabotage to slow down.

It’s self respect.

A good man doesn’t rush you, overwhelm you, or push past emotional limits you’ve clearly shown.

A good man matches your pace.

He builds safety first.

So ask yourself one thing,

Are you pulling back out of fear
or because he’s ignoring your need for space?

If it’s fear, that’s your work.

If it’s pressure, that’s his boundary problem not yours.

Datboi65 · Answer

I think from your case it seems like it's possible that this guy is inexperienced with dating in general, but he has genuinely good intentions for you (at least from what I could read here).

Unfortunately, when you come off intensely on the other person, that's a turn off.

I honestly don't think you should take advice from random strangers on this matter, follow your own instincts.

OneViewpoint · Answer

Your profile says you're 18-24. You're inexperienced and involved with a guy from another country. This guy is obviously NOT lighting your desire on fire. Why are you even in this predicament? Just tell him to skip his trip to see you and end it. Find someone closer to home. Gain some more experience. Wait a couple of years. Make a decision based on knowledge rather than emotion.

Alex-Snow · Answer

It sounds like he is rushing you. How old are the two of you? Take your time and really in your heart and mind make sure he is the right guy at the right time in your life. Is he willing to relocate to France with you? Are you having sex with him? If so are you both sexually compatible? I would not rush it and I think you really need to spend more time together IRL as opposed to texting, calling etc. Ur thoughts?

Staximus · Answer

If this guy doesn't live near you and you don't see him often then he's not living in reality, he's living inside his head. He's making your relationship more serious in his mind than it is in real life. The behavior you tolerate is what you get, so you need to draw a hard line with this guy or tell him to take a hike

Anonymous · Answer

Sounds like he’s just really crazy about you in a good way. The other thing that is crazy is that if a man wasn’t acting like this dude you’re talking about you’d be complaining. So make a decision cause chances are the next person won’t be like this, then you’ll still complain about it.

Flower7 · Answer

You have to end things because even though he might feel like you’re the right person for him, he is not the right person for YOU. Just because you want a husband doesn’t mean it has to be this particular person as your husband.

PeachyPie93 · Answer

You should just be honest and tell him you aren't interested.. it would slow things down.. because most likely you will never be right for each other..

WhitneySnow · Answer

He’s moving way too fast and pressuring you into something you don’t want. You’re just not into him. Dump him and block him. You can do it kindly, but get rid of him. He’s making you miserable.

Anonymous · Answer

In your own words "paper, he’s everything I say I want" = he's boring not much of a challenge because you don't have to put in any work.

You knew him since may 6 months isn't that long i mean it is but isn't 6 months is when a person's true colors start to show from 3-6 months

AngryCarl2 · Answer

It sounds like you're not into him. I don't think you would lose anything by telling him to get lost. Relationships aren't an exercise in box ticking, there has to be some chemistry.

whiskeyontherocks · Answer

I know a guy that did this 4 times married and divorced honestly if he’s not patient with you even though he so confident in the relationship he’s going to be a problem.  Get out

shortster · Answer

It sounds like he doesn't respect your boundaries. You aren't sabotaging the relationship, he is.

Anonymous · Answer

First of all i don't want to burst your dream but he is a boy. And you are just a girl.

Danael31 · Answer

Don't force yourself. As simply as that.

Anonymous · Answer

I suppose it's possible.

Am I sabotaging a good man or is he moving too fast and crossing my emotional boundaries?

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