Why do men want someone like me but never actually choose me?

[Anonymous]

Hey, I see this very interesting trend. I meet guys, we have something. And they show attraction, liking, everything, in a way they get imprinted by me - then I see them looking for who I am but externally. Not with me.

I'm very bold, and expressive personally - I'm individualist. Not afraid to be myself. I show my likings, my tastes, etc - and they like it, but they don't choose to deal with me - but to choose something that resembles me. One even told me, he wanted someone like me. He even got a girlfriend who looks like me exactly, has same interests and he does things with her I showed him. I even recently told me about a nickname they call me at work, and he calls that nickname to his new girlfriend. Weird right?

Other one indicated exact stuff on a dating app that we did together - cafe hopping, our shared interests, even my visual traits - as something he's looking for. But these two guys are not trying to work their way to me. I'm open to them but yeah I might have boundaries, which is for my own sanity. I do allow them to come closer but step by step. I don't let them dominate my life but I do want a genuine, intimate connection. I feel idealized but not seen.

It's frustrating a bit. What can I do? I don't want to shrink, and compromise my boundaries, but I do want closeness and the one not they idealize but choose and love.

Interested in thoughts from guys specifically. I will really appreciate your thoughts and try to do things differently.

[Anonymous]

Honestly w out reading all this, just read the first couple lines. You sound manly.

[Anonymous]

Are you reciprocating the same attention they gave you? Love should be a two way street. It is also extremely unattractive to be talking to multiple guys. If they know that, it shows lack of interest and commitment on your part.

[jahaims]

You lack honest introspection

[Asker]

yes, please help me to understand. I'm trying to see flaws in myself all the time

[Mike_Hum]

Maybe you friendzone yourself.

[Asker]

Yes, this is true. I want to be friends with them first, when they try to rush intimacy. I really need friendship first before I go into relationship area. But I also show them that friendship is the beginning and I'm open to them. They still choose to get an easy target where they can go into intimacy immediately.

[Mike_Hum]

Yeah, never do that. Never be friends with guys you find attractive.

[Asker]

Why, by the way? Interested in your experience. Aren't good relationships built on good friendship first?

[Mike_Hum]

You can be friendly, but if you advertise that you're a friend, that's how you'll be treated. You're giving signals that a relationship isn't your intention.