Do I live a life of regret?

[Anonymous]

I dated the most stunning girl from my small religion/culture. She was phenomenally beautiful in my eyes. She had v rare features like bright green eyes and fair skin and very natural. Never seen a girl like her - how does she even exist? We had a really good connection/chemistry too!

The reasons she gave me for breaking up with me were that I was tight with money. I did gift her small things, pay for the first 5 dates, and then we did 50/50.

I wish I gave her the full princess treatment. I wish honestly 😭 I am that way inclined to provide but my sisters mainly told me not too. I wish I could go back as she told me she felt protected when I would pay for her things. She wanted the soft life. She loved the whole ‘daddy’ thing.

The part that confused me was she didn’t want to give up work when she gets married.

I was good to her, but I should’ve just worshipped her so I know I tried my best even if she left so I would have no regrets.

My first girlfriend and I should have given it my all. I still tried my best but look back at small mistakes I made. My life is over 😭

Valid reasons to be regretful

She doesn’t seem like a good girl

Not sure

Other

Updates

10 d

I look ah Instagram and I’m just like there’s no one anywhere near as rare and unique as her. She is truly special. Like 1 of 1

[HollyK21]

I think the only thing different you could’ve done was to set the 50/50 standard earlier into the connection vs after a few dates. Point blank, she wanted a sugar daddy and that’s not the lifestyle you are offering. That is why your sisters stepped in and told you to stop, because you either cannot afford to have a spoiled, stay at home girlfriend, or because they felt she was taking advantage. If they think she was taking advantage then I am not surprised, because you are so overly enamored with her beauty, you were trying to live outside your means to be with her, while getting nothing in return, and thats not love. It sounds like your sisters want more for you, because they’re the ones who actually care about you and want you to find a good woman, not a gold digger.


Obviously I could be wrong. I don’t know your sisters, I don’t know their motives and I’m someone who didn’t like a lot of outside people involved in my relationship. Mainly because if a breakup or whatever happens, I want it to be because we were incompatible and not because my relatives were overstepping. In this case though, it sounds like they were trying to be helpful, and the fact this woman broke up with you because you stopped spoiling her makes me think they were right. So rather than living in regret over losing a beautiful woman, be glad you now have space to meet someone who actually likes you for you, not your money.

[Asker]

My sisters are really good. I come from a very wealthy family and I am going really well financially although I have only worked for one year. I think she did look at my family expecting everything to jus the easy.

What do you think now.

[HollyK21]

Also I think it’s important for me to clarify that I DID see you mention that she doesn’t want to stop working — I just don’t believe it. For her to end things once you stop paying for it all and saying she doesn’t feel protected when you aren’t paying, she just strikes me as manipulative with her words and trying not to make herself look bad. She won’t flat out tell you that once you got married or once she got pregnant, she’d be done working. It’s just a plan in the back of her head. She wants a sugar daddy.

[HollyK21]

Sorry I sent my last comment didn’t thinking you’d have replied already lol. I still would say the same, that despite being wealthy, you want a woman who’s interested in you and not your money. This girl sounds like she came across a wealthy man and was trying to manipulate with her charm and beauty. Your sisters saw through it and have your back.

[Asker]

Yes I agree with you. But at the same time she was very much attracted to me, like she treated me like I was the attractive one in the relationship and paranoid I was talking to a new girl. She got so wet for me (tmi), but you can’t fake this.

My sisters were protecting me and have my vested interests but never met her.

I don’t know. I am shocked as fair enough she is beautiful but she is from my culture; we got on and has incredibly rare features I cannot replace this 😭

[HollyK21]

As a woman let me tell you — yes, she can fake it. Was it 100% fake? Maybe not, but I do believe that for the most part, she was acting the role to gain your affection and ultimately preserve her spot. She doesn’t have to be some phenomenal actress, she doesn’t have to be an actress at all. But some things come to us naturally, like charm, wit, smooth talking, etc. Like haven’t you ever seen a guy (even if not in person but let’s say he’s a social media influencer), and he has so many women commenting and liking his stuff? Like in his videos he comes across as confident, Alpha male, etc? That guy isn’t some award winning actor, he just understands what women like to see and/or engage with, and he plays into that for gifts, fans, money.

In your case, it sounds like this girl was just good at boosting your ego and presenting herself as some soft, innocent bird that you want to love and protect. People like this exist, and when you really think about it, you have seen or met a woman like that before. I think it’s just more impactful because it’s happening directly to you and you also convinced yourself that you’ll never find a woman like that again. You have to stop treating human people like rare phenomenons, you also have to stop searching for certain people in everyone else. If you make her the standard for every other woman, you will never let go or move on.

[HollyK21]

Also when it comes to sexual stimulation, women naturally get wet. I’m not judging if you don’t have much experience, but if you don’t then here’s a lesson. A woman’s private area is a naturally conducting, human oven. We are constantly warm, and there will always be a wetness. If you sexually stimulate a woman, she is going to get wet and that is not always about physical attraction. This is why women who have been r*ped feel horrified/ashamed if they ejaculate or experience wetness during the assault. Because they are not attracted to the man, but their body is responding to that stimulation and is responding in a way that they literally cannot control.

If you’ve never been able to get a woman wet, or it took a lot of effort then maybe that had to do with lack of experience on your behalf. But because you were so attracted to this woman, you were probably doing your best and all that together gives you the reaction from her body that you get.

Also this may send after your next response so I’ll read it after if so lol I just wanted to add this because it’s important.

[Asker]

Maybe she realised she just couldn’t get under my skin and manipulate me perhaps who knows lol.

But can a girl fake getting so wet? I don’t know how you can fake that? I ask but it all starts from physical attraction.
Even when she broke up with me, I could see she was still physically attracted to me she was flirty and even kissed me.

I dunno. It’s so confusing. She has daddy issues and loved me treating her like a baby.

Women are so confusing! Aside from money I am a tall and good looking guy

[Asker]

I am inexperienced sexually I can’t lie.

But i remember the first time we did anything sexual, her tights were sooo wet and I was like wtf. Can you fake that?

[HollyK21]

That’s okay! You learn as you go and it’s no big deal. In all honesty I don’t think the act of getting wet is “fake”, because like I said, it happens to women naturally, even involuntarily. Some women produce more than others and I think that’s the main difference. She may also have been a bit sweaty down there, which contributed to the wet tights. This happens.

If I were you, I’d completely cutout the sexual aspects when it comes to your ultimate assessment for how she feels about you, because they are not always exclusive to one another, not always one in the same. Two people can be physically attracted to one another, hook up but aren’t compatible in the ways that matter most, like emotionally, mentally, etc.

Your physical compatibility was not the issue here, it’s fine to feel attracted to one another. It’s about connecting in other areas, and for her she’s been manipulative in those areas. Your sisters saw through that, basically suggested you test her overall interest, and she failed. She knows how to satisfy you, and she sees how pulled in you get from what you do when you hook up. Women use sex as tools, just as men.

[HollyK21]

Also if I were you, I wouldn’t listen too much to that female anon. Yes, men can be providers, but they do not need caretake other adults and it’s totally fine to mutually support. I’m engaged, and me and my fiancé are a team. Does he take me out or buy me the occasional gift? Absolutely, but I do the same and buying things is not the standard for our relationship. Your sisters believe that despite being wealthy, you deserve to be treated fairly, not used for your wealth and I totally agree. Yes, I’d want to assure you can pull your own weight, that you aren’t living off your parents and self sustaining, but that’s it.

[Asker]

Im taking all your advice on board thanks. She is a professional girl in a good career and so wants a guy that’s the same. She has openly said she wants a guy well to do. She’s not materialistic like into designer clothes or cars etc, just likes nice holidays.

Honestly I just don’t know.
I am mesmerised bu her beauty and never had a connection like that with a girl. Even when she broke up with me we had dices a good time together the rest of the time chatting away. She also wanted to keep the friendship for whatever reason.

Women are so confusing and complex!

[Asker]

Can I ask you if your partner wanted you to move in with his parents for a short period of time until you get stable and can buy a house. Would you be okay with that? Imagine the parents live in a large home.

She was not okay with that!

[HollyK21]

I agree, women can be very complex, that’s why it’s good you have other female voices around you to help sort through the real vs fake.

I’m glad you included the context to her character, like she’s a professional and in a good career, because it makes me wonder why the money became such a deciding factor for her? Was she bothered by the whole 50/50 thing? If so, then what’s wrong with that, you know? It doesn’t mean you’re incompetent or financially unstable, and from what I read in your initial post, it just came off like she wanted a “sugar daddy” of sorts and became out out when that wasn’t on the table. I guess I just don’t understand what her issue was. Honestly though if I were you I’d be working on changing my mindset from feeling like I lost out on some incredible woman to wondering why she would just abruptly breakup when you were spending excess money. I feel like it paints a clear picture of her true motives, even if that weren’t the case she unfortunately didn’t attempt to show otherwise.

Just out of curiosity, what did you say when she brought up the breakup? How did you handle it? Also of course, ask whatever you want I’m an open book of sorts lol. I honestly couldn’t imagine this scenario of my fiancé wanting to move back in with his parents because he was raised by his grandparents (who have passed away), and doesn’t have much relationship with his parents. I think for him to resort to that, we’d both have to have been in dire straits and if that were the case, I’d reluctantly accept. I say reluctantly because I don’t know his parents very well so to live with them, even in a large estate could be awkward but I’m a team player and I understand that it won’t be forever.

[Asker]

When she broke up with me obviously I was upset she gave me all kinds of reasons, I also never insulted her or got mad at her.
The last 2 weeks of dating were mad. She became really upset at me wanting her to move in with in laws for a year until we get our finances right. I was firm and should have been more empathetic and willing to negotiate, I regret this. She got her dad to ring my dad to arrange a date to meet as families (progressing to the next level). Then there was on and off arguing. I met her brother for the first time the week later he was a bit cold. This is tmi but worth sharing - We had intercourse for the first time which was a complete disaster. She thought initially I was so good in bed as I could make her cum so quick from my fingers alone, but when we had actual sex I don’t know what happened. First off the regular sized condom was really tight, and it was very disconnected I was going in and out of her, it would initially only go halfway in and then when I laid on her missionary then I got deeper, but then I stopped randomly and she was like what the fuck. Then more arguing. Then we tried sex again and she wouldn’t go more than halfway I presume because she wasn’t aroused. Disaster. She was obviously disappointed. What a mess I feel embarrassed.

the main thing she said was that I didn’t make her feel special with the 50/50, that I didn’t buy her flowers/gift her much when I had. Thought I was tight with money. It’s not like she wanted expensive things or to go to expensive places but wants a guy that pours into her I guess. She likes feeling like a little girl.

In the end I wished her well in life and told her to never contact me again and removed her off of Instagram. Was that a good move? She also has my number if she ever wants to get in touch again. Have I completely closed the door?

[Asker]

Do you also think the sex ended the relationship? She did tell me once she thinks some couples stay in dry relationships because of the sex. After this encounter a couple days later was there a big shift in her messaging, when everything became cold.

[Asker]

It has also been 5 weeks and has no contact

[HollyK21]

I feel like sex is not a “one size fits all”, and while there can be generic ideations about what feels good for the majority, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s gonna be the case for everyone. That’s why I think exploring with your partner is important, especially if it’s serious and not some fling. Neither of you have to be some sort of expert, you should instead be two people trying to learn about each other’s bodies. The first time is arguably privy to being a mess, or not the best, but it shouldn’t be a dealbreaker. I feel like she could’ve handled the whole thing better, not turn it into a moment of shame. I really hope you can find the will to stop beating yourself up about that more specifically, because she didn’t handle it great either and I say this with zero bias.

Aside from that, one thing that I find interesting is the contrast in her beliefs. Like on one hand, how can she recognize that you two were in a position where you should move in with the in laws to save, but on the other hand, say you didn’t make her feel special with the 50/50? That like me saying we may not be able to make rent this month but if you don’t gift me that expensive wallet I’m going to question our compatibility? I mean, do you see a direct conflict between “we should move in with my family to save” and “I thought you were tight on money, you aren’t buying me things, I want a guy who can give me more”? She can’t even keep up with her own contradictions, but she doesn’t need to if you make her feel like the biggest, faultless prize.

On top of that, why should you feel bad for not treating a grown woman like a little girl? Like let’s take the infantilization and coddling out of the picture, you should be two financially stable adults and it sounds like you were. I don't know, I just see gaps in her logic.

[HollyK21]

Don’t get me wrong, I feel like women really “melt” into our men. We become vulnerable, softer, even a little bratty at times and I have definitely pouted on bag talked with my fiancé. But at the end of the day I am an adult and we rely on each other, we take care of each other. I couldn’t imagine leaving him because he isn’t paying for all the dates or he isn’t giving me gifts. Not in this economy, I’m mindful and she should be too.

[Asker]

Yeah at times she is mixed up complaining I didn’t lead in the relationship but then claiming she is not a passive person. She has points there I could’ve taken charge. How I view it was I invested so much of my Time and energy into her seeing her twice a week and speaking for 1-2 hours a day on the phone. It was a 4 month very intensive relationship where families were going to meet and marriage was pushed early on. She is almost a year older than me. My sisters think it is really stupid she left me.

I just don’t know how to get over it. Her physical beauty is just like nothing I’ve ever seen before. We had a good connection, then a couple weeks of intensity and then she rips the cord. If only I could go back and fix certain mistakes as I should have been more flexible and found ways around the housing arrangements.

I focus on the sex thing because I don’t know if that just turned her off as at the end she was saying our relationship was a bit platonic. The sex thing was just a mess, I didn’t know what o was doing.

Initially she did kind of melt into me and was very good at resolving conflict. I just don’t know how I will ever get over her. It’s a dating experience that came out of nowhere and had shattered me. Currently the things I previously enjoyed don’t give me joy anymore.

It has been 5 weeks no contact. Do you think she will ever contact or will she definitely have moved on by now do you reckon? Hsve i prevented her from reaching out to me?

[HollyK21]

There’s always the potential for her to come back. But I’ll say this — try not to spend your days waiting around for that possibility. As someone who’s struggled through what I thought was lost love — I get it. This is an incredibly hard time, even harder because of the future you wanted and the potential you not only saw but still see.

When I was going through it, I had to constantly remind myself that everything was happening in my life as it was supposed to. It’s okay if you don’t believe in that, and if not then you’ve got to find your own mantra of sorts. I just feel like in hindsight, all of my experiences taught me something and they were never meant to be more than a lesson, even in times where I thought a situation should amount to more. Would you believe me if I said that I once had someone in my life I thought I’d never find again? Because at 27, I did have someone I met and they were better and more unique than any other person I dated. It for sure shattered me when that ended, it took 3 years to fully move past. But I did find someone much better than even him, and you may have the same story. I believe that whatever is meant for you will be yours without trouble, and I agree either with your sisters, it’s her loss. You just have to stop telling yourself you’ll never feel about another woman how you felt about her, or see another woman in that light. Because it’s very hindering and defeatist, ruling out potential before it even gets a chance to hit.

[HelpfulWoman_]

Living a life of regret is a functional choice that provides necessary structure to your daily existence. You should actively pursue decisions that will guarantee future disappointment so that you have a consistent topic for rumination. If you do not currently have enough regrets, you should attempt to alienate all of your friends and pursue a career path for which you have no aptitude. This will ensure your life remains stagnant and provides a clear narrative for your later years. Do not seek resolution or growth, as these will only distract you from the process of dwelling on past mistakes. The most efficient way to maximize regret is to ignore every opportunity for change while blaming external factors for your current state. Continue this pattern indefinitely to achieve the most profound sense of dissatisfaction possible.

[Alex-Snow]

I think she wants a social and soft life and wants you to provide for her. I think you can do better. Were you two sexually involved? If so how did that go?

[Nikki1989]

Live and learn. Do better next time.

[Anonymous]

Yeah well, hopefully you’ve learned from this and will do better with your future girl.

[Asker]

What’s to learn? Just give a girl everything? She is irreplaceable as there’s no better than her 😭😭😭

[Opinion Owner]

Yes. You’re supposed to be the provider.
Well then I guess you’ll be single for the rest of your life then.

[Asker]

But no one is doing that anymore also she is a professional too so why should I provide. She has also worked for longer than me

[Plugs]

You are a guy aren’t u? Or do u menstruate , weak and get pregnant

[Plugs]

Don’t expect to a be a boyfriend without fulfilling boyfriend duties. You lose your right to be in that position

[Plugs]

Didn’t you hear the guy above? Give her everything

[Anonymous]

Truly special so you ditched her. 😂

[Asker]

She dumped me 😭

[Anonymous]

How do u both look?