How do I tell my girlfriend that I'm disgusted by her past?

Question

So I'm finally dating the girl of my dreams and up until yesterday I was really happy with my life. But that was until my cousin told me about how easy she was and told me about the guys she would date. All douchey a**holes. I'm basically the only guy she's dated who isn't into drugs and a party hound. I'm the only dude who doesn't use her for sex and treat her like sh*t. And I realized that she's incredibly stupid and really easy. Now I feel like I'm being ripped off because I worked really hard to get her to like me when she would've put out for other guys without any trouble. And now she's noticed that I'm acting differently towards her and I don't know how to tell her that her past makes me kind of sick. How do I explain to her that I'm a bit ashamed of her without hurting her?

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

theres so many things wrong here...its hard to answer! so I'm just gnna be blunt and think aloud so stay with me here, and my first thoughts are how did you jump into being her boyfriend without getting to know her and her past or whatever? like it seems like you guys didn't spend enough time getting to know each other and rushed it?

and if you did rush it, then doesn't it mean that you liked her who she was at that time and with you? you liked her personality so you stuck with her? unless it was just lust for you? possibly...not accusing you or anything...and if you liked her personality like doesn't that mean people grow up and change, may be she's a whole new person now, may be she needed a nice guy like you to show her what real love means? may be she has made bad choices in life but she's come far away from them and is stemming into a mature respectful adult...and her past doesn't define her anymore, and since you didn't sense any sluttyness or bad reputation when you began dating her, then its proof right there that she's a new person now, a wise one who has a heart and a nice personality that you fell in love with and CHOSE to date and make her your girlfriend! so why would you so harshly judge her defining her by her past, because that's not who she was/is at all when she met YOU!

i don't think it should bother you because everyone has a past theyre not proud of and everyone makes mistakes but people do grow up and change and mature. she wasn't that horrible person that you describe when she met you, so you don't have any right to define her by her past choices. you chose to be with her cause you like her, and the person she is when she's with you.

if you feel 'ripped off' then let me tell you something boy, love is not a game and its not a prize or a winning score or a gamble that you should feel like you won the lottery or you got ripped off, love is a pure thing and it is self-less and it sees purity and true meaning beyond superficial reputation or materialistic things in life, and if you can't understand that, then you are not ready for love or a relationship with this girl. if you feel ashamed of her, then you should break up now because you're in for a lottery winning, not true love.

moonlightromance · Accepted Answer

ok so I actually think I'm the best person that can answer this because I'VE BEEN THROUGH THAT! me and my boyfriend have been dating for a year now and in the beginning everything was great...that was, until we both sat down and talked about our pasts. it made me feel super uncomfortable because before I met him I was a really big whore. I had sex with so many guys and had so many one night stands and my boyfriend was a douche bag that used girls for sex so we were both really grossed out with each other and spent months fighting about it! it ruined our relationship. it wasn't til after a while we both had a really long mature talk about it, that we realized WE'VE CHANGED. I'm not the girl I used to be because I finally met this amazing guy that treats me great and I tell him all the time that I wish I would have lost it to him and he's not the guy he used to be because he actually cares about me and he's not using me for sex and he says he wishes he could just go back and time and change his past and lose it to me. I mean we are both completely different and yes, our pasts sucked. and yes, our pasts are uncomfortable, gross subjects but that was in the PAST. we are totally different people now and we thank God we found each other. hope I helped.

LaLa19Inu7 · Accepted Answer

Well first off...ask her about her past...don't use the cousin's words for the truth. Go to the actual source...and ask your girlfriend face to face what is up. Then...DO NOT tell her you are disgusted by her past...it isn't nice and you wouldn't like someone saying that to you. Just ask her how she feels about you and is she being real with you and if she really cares about you. Just because you don't like her past does not mean you will hate her present with you. And I don't think it is a good idea to judge her by her past...because people change. And if her past is such a big deal..then why is she with you? And not some other jerk? See my point? And also...dating someone you are ashamed of...is kinda stupid..sorry...how the hell will that relationship work? Would you want to be in a relationship where your significant other is ashamed of you? Probs not...so ask her about her past and ask her why she is with you and does she feel the same about you as you feel about her...good luck.

p.s. and if after you talk with her...you still think she is too stupid and easy...then you should probably not be with her anymore...

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

it's not her that you are feeling let down by. It's you. Because you created that picture perfect persona in your head and she's not. She didn't trick you. You never said she LIED about her past. You two just didn't talk about and it got to you through her cousin. Plus you are probably mad that you had to work your but off when others treated her like crap and still got her for sex. You feel this isn't right. You have to get used to it. What was she supposed to say: "hi, i'm Marcy and i've slept with tons of guys just for attention, wanna marry me?".
Lashing out at her is not the option. That will make you just as bad as those douchebags you are talking about.

Probably in the back of your mind you also wonder if she's going to leave your ass for another douchebag and leave you damaged. probably thinking that since "birds of a feather flock together", she must be some kind of "douchebag" herself. You are trying to objectively figure out if this relationship is worth the effort, but you have to fight your feelings in order to do that, which is hard.
Regarding standards:
you have your standards regargind girls and NOW you realize she isn't meeting them and you are faced with a dilemma: re-write your standards and stay with her OR stick to your standards and look for another one.
On the other hand the fact that her standards regarding men were non-existent you feel useless and cheap, plus it takes aways that "special" tag you attached to this relationship. ("right, so everyone had my gf")

Before talking to her cousin everything was bright and blue, but now all you can see are cracks in the foundation of your relationship, so i honestly say you should think it over really well. Do you think that she's using you for money or other advantages?
So telling her that you are ashamed is out of question in my opinion even if you feel betrayed, it's not fault. It's also your right to dump her.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I wouldn't tell her that her past makes you sick. I would sit down and talk to her about her past and if what the cousin said is true, I would very gently break up with her if her past is a deal breaker. I wouldn't even go into specifics, I would just say that you like someone else or you think it would be better if you were friends or something similar. Just because you and her are not right as a couple, doesn't mean she is a bad person. She should find a guy who accepts her for who she is. A guy who can accept her past.

Now having said that, I think that the women on here who are defending this slut and talking about how her past doesn't matter are complete and utter hypocrites, because it does matter. If she has a long history of this and has not sincerely and honestly repented, she is still on this path and to some degree or another considers it OK. If she considers it OK, she may go back to it at some point.

I dated a girl who was a "former" slut. She confessed to me that she had slept with 80+ guys. She said her last boyfriend had simply used her for sex and she wanted a guy who would treat her well. I stayed with her because I thought the "past is the past." I take her out, buy her dinner and do the boyfriend thing. I treat her like any other girl I have dated in the past, I try to forget about the past. At first she is appreciative and nice, but then as time goes on, she becomes increasingly critical and high maintenance. We ended up breaking up and not even a month after we have broken up, she had two guys over to her apartment for what she deemed "fun." I was totally and utterly disgusted. Why did I overlook this girls past? What a total waste for a girl who is a total and utter whore. I was taking her out to dinner and treating her like gold and towards the end of the relationship, she is treating me like garbage.

hanbanan · Answer

it's really unfair to be disgusted with her. she may have been "easy" or been with bad guys in the past, and that bothers you because you think you are better than them. but shouldn't you feel flattered? she clearly doesn't want to get with douche bags anymore, and that's all that matters. if you're the guy who showed her that there's something better out there than what she was settling for, isn't that something that should make you happy? shouldn't you be proud to be the one to finally give her what she deserves?

I think this saying is quite fitting - "we've all gotta kiss a few frogs before we find our prince." we all go through guys we don't deserve before finding the ones that we do. we all settle for a**holes at some point because we aren't secure enough to go for the good guys, but when we finally find someone who likes us for us, everything changes. maybe she's ready to stop kissing frogs and you should be glad you helped her make that transition.

Anonymous · Answer

She's not the girl of your dreams. She slept around like a slut for years and then expects you to be "understanding" of her horrible lifestyle. You need to leave this girl ASAP, as she has "crazy chick" written all over her. She'll make you miserable in the end. A slut like this can't settle down. She's too used to bad boys that do her in the ass. If you think you can compete with complete a**holes, you're wrong. She'll never be able to be attracted to you in the way the punks were. Dump her undeserving butt and move on to a girl who hasn't made a bunch of really bad life choices.

Lommelun · Answer

Never EVER tell her that you are "disgusted by her past".

This is not HER problem, this is YOUR problem.

Begin by talking to her. Ask her about her past. And NEVER EVER be judgmental about it.

Remember - YOU WON! She chose YOU over all those other guys. She knows what is out there. And she ended up with YOU!.

If she chooses to confide in you about something in the past, be understanding. Be supportive. NEVER EVER JUDGE! If you cannot do that, then do not ask. Do not ask questions that you can not handle the answer to.

Then if you still have problem. You can let her know that YOU have a problem. You have problems handling her past. And it is your problem alone, but you ask her to be supportive of you and forgiving if you cannot always hide your dark thoughts. Then you work on yourself to see the wonderful girl she is and the good thing you have together.

MaskedSanity · Answer

Why would you want to tell her you're disgusted with her? Exactly what purpose would that serve?

It just sounds like you're eager to call her a slut. Why does it matter how many men she might have slept with? If she hadn't contracted anything and is not cheating on you, please explain to me in extensive detail why it matters.

She's with you NOW, which is the most important thing. It's a bit ridiculous for you to be upset that you had to work for her attention. This means that she fell for you as a person, not just a dick who bought her a drink in a club.

If she's the girl of your dreams, telling her you're disgusted with her isn't going to make this relationship any better.
If you have questions, TALK to her, not down to her. She's only human and humans are prone to doing stupid things.

DodgersGM · Answer

I noticed that you talked about things from her past but you're using present tense to describe them, as if these things are all a reflection of who she is NOW. Do you feel like she's still the same girl that was "easy" and "stupid"?

I guess the one good thing here is that you're being honest with yourself. I mean, a lot of people would deny their true feelings, and that never really ends well.

You should think about how much this kind of thing bothers you, and go from there. You might also want to consider talking to her about it...just don't be all judgmental and shaming about it.

Camallunt · Answer

Break up with her. You deserve someone like you and she deserves someone non judgmental or childish.

It sounds more like you have problems with yourself than with her. You make it sound like you are insecure and either low self esteem or you over value yourself. Don't hurt her more than you have and leave her and wait til you are ready for an adult relationship.

People have a past, they are not always that person, enjoying sex is not a bad thing, girls are not cattle, but most importantly take the free time you will have when you leave her to reflect on yourself and fix your problems before judging others and making women into fantasy characters they are not.

dipta · Answer

It sounds like you're just disappointed she isn't as special as you thought (her being the girl of your dreams), or maybe now you're thinking you did too much to have her in comparison to the other guys.
I guess you could always ask her what made her date those other guys (and then again break up with them?), but it will be difficult telling her you're "a bit" ashamed without hurting her or even angry her.
At the end of the day, what counts is if you still wanna be with her even knowing all that and other stuff she will possibly tell you personally. We never really know someone 100%.

udolipixie · Answer

How do I tell my girlfriend that I'm disgusted by her past?

Open your mouth and say the words "I'm disgusted by your past and feel ripped off that I had to work really hard for sex when you gave it out to other guys for free".

How do I explain to her that I'm a bit ashamed of her without hurting her?

I doubt there's a way to tell her you're ashamed of her without hurting her similar to how I doubt there's a way for her to tell you without hurting you that she's ashamed of you or thinks you're too small.

jeries15 · Answer

Did it ever Come to you that she was acting that way because of personal problems or family issues?! People cope by doing anything they can. Her past is her personal business not yours. And people change. You give her a better experience than all those other boys did, and honestly you're sounding like a jerk that you see her different because of her past. Her past is not her present or her future. YOU are her present, and if you're going to throw all that away because of a past that can not be changed, then you are the one that's going to end up hurt. If you liked her for her before, why not now? She changed. You should move on and leave her past behind :)

sarahbaya · Answer

Her past is her business. What is your past? Did you sleep around & party hard? Perhaps she feels with you she has finally met  a decent guy. Think about the things you do like about her and how you felt before someone told you about her past. How accurate is the information btw? Your cousin could be jealous seeing you happy. If you tell her you are a bit ashamed of her, you will hurt her & you will break up and  telling her you are 'Ashamed of her' that would be a horrible to do, what are you the judge and jury. You sound like you are judging her, which is actually what you are doing.You say your basically the only guy she has dated who isn't into drugs and partying, well good for you Mr Perfect. Get over yourself & remember yesterday she was the girl of your dreams & you were happy. Don't screw it up because of what happened before you.

Anonymous · Answer

The only reason why you are unhappy about it is because your cousin told you about how easy she supposedly is (or WAS). You care too much about what other people think. If you sincerely like her, her past would not matter and you would stand up to your cousin and tell her you don't give a sh*t about her past because you like her and you don't give a damn what anyone thinks. That is what a truly good boyfriend would do for a woman he sincerely likes. You don't appear to be very mature, maybe you aren't as good of a catch as you think you are.

kangaru2 · Answer

Please dont tell her that it will hurt her , be sensitive to others. Is her past so important to you? I had never concerned about the past of guy i dated in the past, to me his past is not the determinant factor of me wanting to be with him. It is the present moment, why can't people see it? She chose u perhaps because you are a nice guy and different from the past guys she was with and she might have changed for the better.

Please dont break her heart. What we do or say to others may have an impact on the later part of their lives. This world is a community, to choose to be right or kind, I really hope people would choose to bekind.

Anonymous · Answer

Understand she has options and the power and doesn't have stay with someone who is disappointed in her. You will just end up forgotten and alone if you tell her you are disappointed in her in any way.

Therefore, she can walk away anytime she wants. I know how you feel but treating her like the other guys did and her finding out your disappointed in her will make her leave and forget the both of you ever happened. She will leave and never think you ever existed if disappointing thoughts come out of your mouth.

dkamp · Answer

I am so sick of all you nasty women saying the past is the past it  doesn't  matter ! Sorry the past matters in every single aspect of our lives! credit, job history, work history, criminal history, grades, so why in the hell would a girl obviously showing no class and letting a man stick his dick in her the first time he meets her not disgust this guy posting this? bottom line your live a nasty lifestyle of risk for pregnancy, stds , and show history of dating thugs drugies ,!!!, yes you get judged bitch

jokersgirl · Answer

Have you even talked to her about it? You're just going off of what your cousin told you?  Sounds like you kind of are a douchey-a**hole.   BUT   If it bothers you that much, you need to talk to her about it.  Why are you angry that you had to work hard?  That means that she actually saw something in you that was worth her time.. unless you just wish now that you could have f***ed her and moved on

miabeth2 · Answer

If she's your dream girl, none of that should matter, it was her past. Since she's dating you, she's obviously changing herself. If you break up with her, then neither of you are happy.

I hate to break it to you, but NEARLY every girl is going to have a past, especially the older you get.

She's your dream girl & you worked so hard to get her... not screw it up.

And if she finds out you're thinking she's an easy slut, that WILL screw it up.

Judgmental people kind of make me sick.

Custard25 · Answer

Well if she is still with you it means that she much really feel something for you. If not she would be long gone. Maybe just say thank you for being with me and that you know about her past. But you need to learn to accept it and love her for what she is now

FreeLunch · Answer

You're the douchey a-hole for acting differently towards her without her having done anything to you at all.

Either forget her past, or break up with her. If you're ashamed of her, break up with her. Trust me, she'll fine a better guy than you before you find a better woman than her.

Metlahead · Answer

If she didn't experience her past, she wouldn't be who she is today. Be grateful for it. You should be ashamed of yourself, not of her.
"I realized she's incredibly stupid" who says that about the girl of their dreams? She is not the problem, it is your twisted views about sexuality and what you think a woman should be/not be.

martyfellow · Answer

In a word, you can't explain your feelings to her in a 'nice' way. I doubt she's THAT dumb that she doesn't have a pretty good idea why you behave differently with her now.

I'd just make up any excuse and drop her. Tell her you've got chlamydia or something.

If you're not careful, you WILL get chlamydia, it's rampant among drug users.

How do I tell my girlfriend that I'm disgusted by her past?

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