Ladies, When is it OK to chase a dumper? Ever?

[Anonymous]

My ex dumped months ago because she said she never loved me. In all fairness, I took her for granted and never said that I loved her. While the breakup was painful, it was amicable. Yet, I was hurting a lot.

2 months of NC went by and I saw her at an event (we have mutual friends) and while it was awkward and brief, it was civil.

A few weeks later we saw each other again and it was cordial.

Then a month went by before I saw her again. This time she went ice cold and even rude on me. Later, I found out that someone told her I was dating someone (I had in fact socialized with women and went on a few dates, but nothing serious). I was hurt all over again because I was hoping to keep thins friendly with the hopes of reconciliation.

6 weeks later (last night), I saw her and smiled. She did smile back, but soon left before I could talk to her. I think the problem was that she saw me sitting with an attractive female friend (my ex my not have wanted to talk to me even if I was alone).

But now, she certainly must think I am dating someone. I don't what to do now? I never wanted to contact her directly after the breakup because she was the one who dumped and I wanted to respect her boundaries.

Now, I feel that my only chance to get her back is to contact her, but my mind and my friends tell me that is a horrible move. I would just be feeding her ego (she told me once that she guys and ex bfs chase her all the time, which also made me reluctant to be like them) and she would reject me anyway.

Ladies, do you really get turned off if a guy you dumped chased you again, especially you thought he was dating again?

Updates

+1 y

So, my ex saw mue sitting with an attractive female friend at an event the other night. I smiled and waved at the ex, and she did smile back. However, there was no interaction after that and she did not stay for the after event party at a local bar. I don't know if this is because she didn't want into run into me and who she probably thought was the girl I am dating. Ladies, did I blow my chances of any reconciliation?

Updates

+1 y

I recently saw my ex on the street and I decided to take the high road by giving her a smile and wave. She smiled and waved back, but it seemed forced.


Would most women think I was being creepy? I did not approach her and want nothing from her at this point but peace and no hard feelings.


Would it have been better to ignore her completely.


I feel I did the right thing, but I am curious as to the women's point of view. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

well you admit yourself that you took her for granted and although she said she never loved you she might have just been saying that to save face or to see if she could hurt you because you a) took her for granted and b) never said you loved her.

so while imo she did the breaking up if you feel you are the one who did most of the screwing up and left her no choice but to end things then I see nothing wrong with you 'chasing' her as the dumper or at least being the one to make contact.

if she dumped you because she wanted another guy or it just wasn't working out and she wanted to move on that's different then it's all on her if she's interested to make contact first.

[Asker]

Hi and thanks for the response. Well, right after the breakup I wrote a her a long handrwitten letter explaining my feelings for her. I then followed up with a short email telling her that I while would respect any decision made, if she came back, I would promise her my love, dedication, and loyalty. Finally, I met her in person and asked if there was anything I could do/say to change her mind. Her answer to all this was no. This is why I am reluctant to try again.

[Opinion Owner]

well in that case I'd say it's in her hands and that you did enough chasing after the break up to show you were still interested in getting back together and she rejected you more than once. If a woman is interested she WILL come around/contact you/find a way to be in your sphere and the fact that you are dating won't stop her

[Asker]

Thanks. Then I guess I can't chase anymore. I am not sure if she expected me to do so after first post breakup friendly meeting, but if she did and would have taken me back at the time, then I guess I misread the signals and the fault is on me.

Now, I am unsure if I should continue to attend the monthly events where she may be, or simply leave these things be and disappear, at least for awhile. Every time I see her, I walk away upset and sad.

[Opinion Owner]

well part of me says to tell you that you don't need to give up things you wanna do just because she's around and to stand your ground so to speak but the other part of me who's had my heart broken knows that's a pain I wouldn't wanna have to face monthly. I'll just say do whatever helps you heal. good luck.

[justbanANNAz]

Im not the type to date a lot, but I do know that if I did dump someone, id have good reason to do it. first thing that comes to mind isn't how shed react, but the position your in. like, come on, what are you doing chasing someone who doesn't want anything to do with u? [im not getting agro btw] she's hurting you and she's taken you for granted when you said that she never even loved u. I don't know you but you could possibly be one of those good guys that just got heartbroken for no good reason. I suggest you keep your heart in one piece for some lovely lady who will waltz on into your life=] hope that helps!

[Asker]

Yes, you are right. She rejected me so I shouldn't pine over her, but I am. I did take her for granted and never said "I love you", so maybe I did get my heart broken for a reason.

[justbanANNAz]

nah dnt beat yourself up man. like read what you wrote in the beginning... she said she NEVER loved u. so if she had told you she loved u, I doubt she meant it. why else would she leave u? wait till miss right comes along:P ull b like, that other chick had nothing on my lady! [sorry if I seem too out there, I cnt have a conversation any other way lol]

[Anonymous]

Depending if I still likes him. I think your ex still likes you given that she give you the cold shoulder when she found out you maybe dating someone else. It's never a turn off if a guy was chasing me. But I would definitely be angry if I knew he was dating again. When I saw my ex flirting with another girl in front of me, I give him the cold shoulder as well. So does he when he gets jealous.

[Asker]

Thx..I would never bring around in front of my ex, but I can't help it if she sees me with female friends and assumes its dating.

I know I need to move on, but it sucks that I still want her back, but can't bring myself to chase because she rejected me.

[Opinion Owner]

You are in my situation in a way. I told my ex boyfriend I still likes him and even though me and my friends feels that he still likes me...a lot too he deny ever falling in love. So I kept my distance ever since and he's been acting very moody at work and around everyone else. I'm not sure but I feel like he's frustrated that I'm not giving him the attention he wants.

[Asker]

That's how I feel about why my ex was cold to me. She expected me to crawl back, and when I didn't , she turned cold.

[Anonymous]

"my mind and my friends tell me that is a horrible move"

Listen to them!

[Asker]

Yes, but then there is my heart, which is telling me to go after her if I want her.

[Opinion Owner]

The heart is idiotic. The brain (and your friends) know that if you chase this girl, you'll only push her away even further.

The only way you stand a chance of getting her back (and it's only a chance) is to improve your worth in her eyes. And that means you have to make yourself more desirable.

Nothing is desirable about a guy who is chasing after you while on his knees, begging you to change your mind and come back to him.

[Asker]

I have been trying to improve myself and let her know it: new haircut, keeping up with my workouts, wearing a nice suit to events where I will see her, getting involved in volunteer work, appearing upbeat rather than angry/bitter in her presence, being gracious to her, etc.

The only thing I am unsure about is if my dating/socializing with women, however casual and innocent, is helpful or not. If I don't, it looks like I am pathetically waiting for her. Do and she becomes angry/jealous.

[Opinion Owner]

You want her to get angry and jealous.

[Asker]

Why would I want that? She will never come back to me then. She may think I am playing immature games when in fact I am tryng to move forward while still holding out hope she will come back. I know this sounds irrational, but it's how I feel.

[Opinion Owner]

I know it sounds irrational but those are the feelings you want her to experience. They are how she would come to doubt herself, and whether leaving you was the smart choice.

[Asker]

But maybe she will be grossed out by the notion that I have been with the woman she think I am dating. I have not, but I can't control what she thinks.

I just wish I could finally accept that it's over and move on. However, bumping into her at events with mutual friends retards my progress. I may have to start skipping these events to maintain my sanity, even if it means missing out on some fun with friends. I am dreading the day I see her with a guy.

[harveykinkle]

Never. Whenever I dump someone I don't want to be with them!

[Asker]

Ouch...short, painful, and to the point. Well, do you also get annoyed if the dumpee gives a quick smile and hello when you run into each other, or would you prefer he not say anything at all?

[harveykinkle]

No that's alright. I do like all the people I dumped - I just no longer want to be in a relationship with them.

[Asker]

Thats the sense I first had when I my ex dumped me. "I stil want to be friends, hang out with you here and there, blah blah".

And for awhile there, it was somewhat amicable, if not awkward between us. But then she turned cold and rude to me after she thought I was dating someone. I nevertheless still maintained he high road and kept being gracious to her. Maybe she thought it inappropriate to remain friendly once one or both us started dating again.

[Anonymous]

Why would they chase a dumper?

[Asker]

Because the dumpee misses the dumper.