Hi, everyone.
(Sorry, couldn't resist!)
I've decided to start this new blog series called "How Screwed are They, Really?", where I analyze various fictional characters, and then reveal how many legal problems they would probably have in real life.
On DeviantArt, I launched the pilot, where I discussed Emily Barnes / Semaphore from Prodigal-Gamer's DeviantArt fandom. The verdict there was that the character gets locked up for three times as long as she probably would have been in real life.
Today's topic is going to be Casey Newton, from the movie Tomorrowland, as portrayed by Britt Robertson.
(The face of pure evil???)
I was going to cover the 1987 Ninja Turtles...but that's gonna be a VERY long one! I figured this will be simpler to do. Though...I'm sure I'll get around to the Turtles at some point!
Anyone who had the misfortune of seeing Tomorrowland in theaters knows exactly what I'm talking about.
Sure, this crazed, humanistic-optimist girl gets herself in a legal pickle in the movie at least twice; but gets out again ludicrously quickly.
So let's analyze what would happen if near-omniscient law enforcement were efficient enough to catch her amidst her reckless bouts of adventuring on the way to Tomorrowland...
How screwed is Casey Newton?
The movie starts off pretty standard-ish as a tie-in for the section of Magic Kingdom. Shameless Disney self-promotion, we've all been there. When it cuts to her story, we get all the usual sentiments and what-not...but then she takes things in a very twisted and dark direction suddenly.
Some may think it was cute how she used a drone to EMP the security, then sabotaged the bombs. But there are problems with this right away.
First off, they'd probably protect a site like that at Canaveral with infra-red and a lot more security than she could take out with one little drone. If she even got NEAR that fence, they would've busted her long before she could even get the drone out of her backpack!
Optimistically, she'd go into some tirade about "saving the future!" and what-not that would land her in the county mental hospital for a time. It'd be awfully interesting to see how Athena would find her in there!
But...let's be frank. She was dressed like a cat burglar / terrorist. And the second time, got caught. So that's:
- 2 counts of felony trespassing on government property
- 3 counts of vandalism and mischief
- 1 count of riding a bike at night without proper lights
The trespassing alone could result in up to 5 years in prison for this blonde moonbat, according to Florida law. Though, she was caught attempting to trespass but not over the fence. So that's 1 year. Add the first crossing and second attempted crossing, and she's looking at 6 years. Add in her well-over $1000-value acts of mischief, and that's an additional 5 years. So far from finding the future, she'll have to wait till 11 years in the future to see anything outside her window except the prison yard!
And since she was 16 in the movie at that time, she was close enough to an adult that she could be considered under the circumstances for an adult sentence. After all...this isn't like some kid in Pennsylvania under Ciavarella getting sent away for jumping over a table one time.
Oh, but the movie says she made bail. That's nice. In real life, she'd still have a court date. Bail just means that she doesn't have to sit in jail an extra 3 months or whatever while waiting to hear back from a judge about when she's supposed to appear.
Even if they were lenient, and sent her to a kid center since she was 16, she's not gonna be running around with an alien robot and George Clooney to destroy some bad invention and kill Dr. House in order to stop the Everglades from flooding.
She's more likely gonna be in a Blair Smith graphic novel or a Jared Cohn movie, than doing anything with George Clooney!
Casey, realistically (-ish?):
But, let's play along and say she got out, and is bail-jumping. And since this is Disney, we'll just assume Dog the Bounty Hunter had the day off.
Everything shameless or just plain wrong with this scene notwithstanding, how lucky are Casey and Athena that the Houston police were off harassing the Sodality instead of right here when this scene ends?
Even though Casey is in the right here, Athena is shown holding up a woman's severed head. And the shop is ruined. And Casey and Athena are the only two still standing. And we know Athena will just shoot her way out of trouble again, if it came to that.
These two little sociopaths have just graduated to full-tilt terrorism, as far as the law is concerned. Even if the shop owners were robots, that means some robot owner just lost his property. And how did Casey know that the shop owners were just robots? As far as she knew, Athena straight-up murdered them!
Also, she did run away from home. Oddly, no one asked her any questions. Probably because she's played by Britt Robertson, who looks a bit old to be playing the character, and could pass for an independent adult. While running away in Florida is not in and of itself a criminal offense, she is due back in court if this were real life. So it could be considered bail-jumping. Since she's crossed state lines, she now falls under federal jurisdiction.
And on top of that, (spoiler alert!), she and Athena flee the scene...by committing grand theft auto...TWICE! They should just make GTA6 with her as the protagonist! Lara Croft, eat your heart out! To make matters worse, the license plate on that second truck should be pretty easy for police to identify. And to find George Clooney, they have to cross state lines...AGAIN!
So after being extradited back to Florida to serve 11 years for her mischief at Cape Canaveral, she'd be extradited back to Texas to serve a minimum of 2 years for grand theft auto, 2 counts. Assuming she isn't issued a life sentence, that is. (They're big on those in Texas!)
And we still haven't brought George Clooney in yet!
That truck gets from Texas to wherever in seemingly one tank of gas. Not gonna happen. Where did Athena get that cash from to keep filling up? And without Casey noticing? Cinema Sins, I think you missed a few!
So let's just tack on an additional life sentence for poor Casey. Because I'm pretty sure Athena mugged and murdered someone along the way.
Now, after she gets to George Clooney's house, we find out how well she's learned her lesson. As in, not at all! She trespasses, breaks and enters, distracts him with arson and mischief, uses his own weapons against him, and about a dozen other things. Screw it. An additional life sentence!
And then, she blows up the house with Clooney's help, to kill the evil robots. And then, they all break in to some secret location to steal a teleporter or some such thing. And wind up in Paris. Where they turn the Eiffel Tower into a spaceship launchpad...after beating the tar out of security guards. And taking license with history concerning Tesla.
INTERPOL is gonna have a field day!!! Then, they EMP all of Paris! Far from being viewed as the savior of the future, Casey is now an international terrorist, well on her way to Guantanamo! All that chaos she causes in France, and not one Muslim riot to take advantage of it? Disney, please! All of France would be IMPLODING if that happened!
So she finally goes to the alternate dimension of Tomorrowland, and finds it in ruins. And Dr. House runs everything. And he's more of an ass than ever before. Also, she gets arrested again...for refusing to lose hope? What???
And then, she outright murders Dr. House later in the movie. Or maybe that was George Clooney that did it? Does it matter at this point?
She is now the most wanted woman in the multiverse! Compared to this crazy broad, Carmen Sandiego is an amateur! And honestly, how many of Athena's crimes would be blamed on Athena after she dies? Yeah, Casey's taking the fall for those too! Thanks, Athena!
Then, she returns home to tell her dad about Tomorrowland. Amazingly, he was there. And NOT the FBI, ready to do to her what they did to LaVoy Finnicum!
How screwed is she, really?
If written more pessimistically, this story would end with her being asked the same question that was asked of Eddie Kim in Snakes on Plane:
Which do you prefer? Gas, or lethal injection?
If you were the jury, what would you decide for Casey?
This has been an episode of How Screwed Are They, Really? If this really takes off, my next one will probably be either the Ninja Turtles, or the Power Rangers. Have fun, and choose your role models wisely!
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