Boring Adventure: Episode 1, "Bread"

[Entity]

Once in a thousand years there comes a family of great power and upon the day of the twelfth moon of the year of the Dragon one is born with such power that his name can only be “Akshun Hiro”. Currently living in modern fantasy Japan as I imagine it Akshun, a thirty-three year old office clerk and his wife Sideka Kiku, a twenty-nine year old MBA take care of their adopted son Raichu, an eighteen year old modern kid who was rescued from a panda refuge as a baby and brought up on the tough streets of Tokyo. This is their story.

“Akshun”, came the sweet melodious voice of a woman through the corridor that I will not describe. “Akshun, we are out of bread!”

“I will go, my sweet Sideka!” said Akshun in the noblest voice as he arose from his clearly important work in front of his computer to find his wallet. “I will return soon, it is just down the street. Fear not, I shall be back before dinner.”

“Oh my love, my Hiro, please hurry for it shall be ready in approximately twenty minutes!” the beautiful and elegant Sideka replied.

Gathering his coat and putting pants on (because what else do you do down the corridor with a computer by yourself?) quietly zipping them closed Hiro walked boldly out of his ambiguously designed and never described house. Looking down the street after stepping out into the sun Hiro noted that the sun was high, the birds were birds, and the world was beautiful and glossy. Starting to whistle a happy tune, because that’s what Hiro does when he walks, his neighbors looked up at him and waved as he waved back muttering how much they hated him with grins on their faces.

“He’s a smug bastard.”, whispered one woman to her husband.

“I heard he only makes minimum wage,” stated Mr. McGregor (?) to Mr. Hun.

“I’m gonna tear that delicious ass up, Hiro, just you wait,” said Ms. Chen to herself quietly while making a tiger paw scratching gesture in Hiro’s general direction with him feeling slightly uncomfortable as he looked at her.

Eventually up the street that shortened so I could get to this part Hiro walks into the store called “Magic Din” which is African for “Bread Store” owned by an ambiguously dark Japanese man named Michael. Upon entering the store and hearing the generic dinging of a bell common to alert the shopkeep of an entrant Hiro looks to his left and picks up a loaf of bread that is so pristine it can only do for someone so legendary as himself. After lifting the precious pan he brought it to the counter to speak to Michael.

“Hello, how many I help you today!” said Michael needlessly as here was a customer presenting him bread to buy, but sometimes we just ask stupid questions as part of the social hierarchy, you know? It’s just really dumb if you think about it; for instance when someone asks you how you’re doing if you answer anything but “fine, and you?” it shocks the crap out of them because they don’t genuinely care. Oh my god my angst...

“I would like to buy this bread.” Said Hiro simply.

“That will be 40 yen!” said Michael because I have no idea what that actually means monetarily.

“Here you are,” said Hiro powerfully as he did a backflip to make his wallet come out of his front left pocket that I never said it was in and then he performed a flying jump kick to cause exactly 40 yen to spill out onto the counter exactly four feet away.

“Thanks,” said Michael, always happy to see Hiro’s actions because he was a weebawoo.

Hiro calmly took up his bread and went on home nodding his goodbye to sweet Michael. Sweet, sweet ambiguously Japanese Michael. Walking down the street back to his home he was greeted by a gang of yakuza intent on stopping him from bringing his bread home because of how perfect it was; they had tailed him from the store and were ready to rumble. For no apparent reason talking didn’t work and when negotiations failed Hiro was forced into combat!

“Hiya!” Akshun would cry out as he karate chopped some tattooed brat, “Kapow!” Hiro would exclaim as he connected with some fool’s ribs shattering them into jelly with a loud crack! A roundkick came at him from behind but he merely ducked down and grabbed the foot as it went over his shoulder holding it for a second before snapping it off and using it to defeat another member of this increasingly growing mob!

[ bloop ]

After returning home covered in ooze and gore huffing and puffing with his clothing torn and at least one knife sticking out of him along with the pristine, perfect, priceless bread Akshun found his beautiful wife and his adopted son sitting at the table having eaten. It had been about two hours since Akshun had left and really everyone got tired of waiting for him.

“Awe drat” said Akshun before the standard ‘Wah wah wah’ played from the heavens meant to punctuate the ridiculousness of his predicament.

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