After returning from my parents after what happened (read this: How telling my parents about my 6mo boyfriend went (they hate him for religious reasons) ), I met my boyfriend's brother (read this: Don't yell at your girlfriend in front of others (meeting my boyfriend's brother) )
Since my boyfriend's brother's girlfriend visited me briefly, I finally told my room mate that I have a boyfriend (she hadn't noticed before), that he'd be staying with me for a while and I thought that would be the end of it.
I share an apartment with my room mate, we both have our own room, but use the kitchen, living room and bathroom together.
However, she has consistently been trying to get rid of me as a result of my behaviour for the past 8 months or so, and I'll get into our differences in this post. I would also like to add that my room mate lived with her parents for the last 4 months and only recently came back to our shared flat.
A little bit of background information
I already touched on this in this take I wrote a few months ago, but I'll just spell it out much clearer this time.
My room mate doesn't know how to clean and she doesn't make an effort to learn how to efficiently keep our apartment clean either.
To her, cleaning the bathroom means wiping down the sink. She has NEVER cleaned the toilet and whenever I'm gone for a while, this is the first thing I have to do because she never does it and I think that's quite nasty.
She doesn't keep the kitchen clean either and she's more or less the only one using it. Especially when it comes to the kitchen sink, she has no idea how she can keep it clean and it's just incredibly gross.
I know that since moving out from home, I've started to clean a bit more obsessively, I love disinfecting stuff and I know that this may seem strange to her. Still, I have told her time and time again that I do not expect her to clean our household in the exact same way that I do. However, I expect her to maintain a BASIC level of cleanliness that I believe everyone should be used to.
This is why I suggested that we come up with a cleaning schedule, which is what tripped her off completely.
What my room mate's day looks like
She's usually in her room for 22 hours a day and only leaves it to cook or to go grocery shopping. She's on the phone with friends for more than 12 hours every day.
Her ex boyfriend visited her once, stayed for one night and left the day after.
Her family comes to visit every once in a while, but usually, it's just the two of us.
Her issue with my boyfriend
As I'm sure is clear when you've read my previous takes, I spend more or less every day with my boyfriend and he usually stays at my place. My room mate hadn't ever noticed this before, so when I finally told her a few weeks ago that I had a boyfriend, this was pretty big news in her eyes. I didn't mean her any harm, but I had just always assumed she had noticed that he was usually sleeping at my place and didn't mind it. Still, I probably should have told her sooner.
When she met my boyfriend, he was really sweet, said hi and joined the two of us at our dining room table. She didn't ask for his name, age or occupation. In fact, she completely ignored him after saying "hello" once.
At first, I thought that she was being shy and didn't know what to say, so the next few days, my boyfriend stayed under the radar but occasionally tried joining us if I had a chat with my room mate. Still, she didn't even look at him whenever we bumped into one another.
They had an encounter without me that went better, but other than that, I could sense that my room mate was simply uncomfortable with him being here (despite her always being in her room anyways).
I gave her so many opportunities to tell me that I should send my boyfriend home, but she never addressed it and also didn't tell me what her issue with my boyfriend was.
Her issue with the cleaning schedule I suggested
A few days after my boyfriend visited, she went to see her parents. She left without so much as a goodbye text and the apartment was a mess. I scrubbed, vacuumed, wiped and disinfected our flat.
When I felt better about the cleanliness of my place, I texted her that I would like to introduce a cleaning schedule that outlined who would have to clean each week. I'm not sure about the states, but having a cleaning schedule is the norm in a shared flat in Germany.
My room mate then ignored the whole cleaning schedule thing and addressed that she didn't like the fact that my boyfriend had stayed with me for a few days. I asked her what her issue with him was, to which she didn't have an answer.
She then mentioned that I was a cleanlier person than her, that she didn't notice when the apartment was a mess and that I had to maintain the high level of hygiene that I'm used to if I want that high level.
This is not fair to me, I shouldn't be the one doing all the work.
Her issue with me living with her
It all boiled down to her wanting to live on her own. I would like to mention once again that I never see my room mate unless I want to, that I do all the work (which is a huge benefit to her) and that our apartment is too big to be inhabited by one person only.
She couldn't afford living in this apartment on her own, but she has mentioned that she could somehow manage to live there alone a number of times now.
Since I know what her budget is, I know that this would simply be impossible.
She would have to find a new room mate, who she probably wouldn't like too much either and who would probably annoy her even more.
I'm very quiet, cleanly, listen to her problems when she wants to talk for hours on end (despite me not being interested in her issues at all and her never asking me how I'm doing).
I don't really see why she hates me so much, in my eyes, all I do is add to her life while all she does is take away from mine.
Still, I love our flat and would love to continue to live there with her or share it with my boyfriend. If she and her ex were still together, I'd understand it if she wanted to get rid of me for him to move in, but since this isn't the case, I think she's being quite rude and disrespectful.
Also, I'm sure she would've reacted differently to the fact that I have a boyfriend if she and her ex were still together.
Why she's rude and disrespectful
She never even noticed that my boyfriend is here, yet all of a sudden, him sleeping in my room, using my water and electricity is what tips her off to telling me it would be best if I moved out.
She wants to avoid cleaning, so she tells me it would be best if I moved out.
She tells me we're incompatible, because she doesn't feel at home in our flat (she had moved back to her parents for almost 4 months) and tells me it would be best if I moved out, as though her living alone would miraculously cure her loneliness.
I have never dealt with this level of ignorance on her side and quite frankly, I think she's immature because she hasn't been able to name ONE SPECIFIC issue she has with me. Not one. The only thing she said is that we're incompatible and don't get along well enough for her to want to continue to live with me.
Talking to her is like communicating with a toddler and I'm not having it anymore.
I'm currently trying to find a place that I can share with my boyfriend, but during a pandemic, this is pretty difficult.
I want to make our living situation work, I want her to understand how rude she's being, trying to kick a 19-year-old girl out who's in a huge fight with her family and wouldn't have their support during a move right now.
Of course, I still have my boyfriend's support, but she doesn't know that.
Can you think of a polite way for me to tell her where she went wrong?
I don't want to upset her, but I'm angry and need to choose my words carefully.