My room mate is trying to get rid of me

After returning from my parents after what happened (read this: How telling my parents about my 6mo boyfriend went (they hate him for religious reasons) ), I met my boyfriend's brother (read this: Don't yell at your girlfriend in front of others (meeting my boyfriend's brother) )

Since my boyfriend's brother's girlfriend visited me briefly, I finally told my room mate that I have a boyfriend (she hadn't noticed before), that he'd be staying with me for a while and I thought that would be the end of it.

I share an apartment with my room mate, we both have our own room, but use the kitchen, living room and bathroom together.

Photo by 99.films on Unsplash
Photo by 99.films on Unsplash

However, she has consistently been trying to get rid of me as a result of my behaviour for the past 8 months or so, and I'll get into our differences in this post. I would also like to add that my room mate lived with her parents for the last 4 months and only recently came back to our shared flat.

A little bit of background information

I already touched on this in this take I wrote a few months ago, but I'll just spell it out much clearer this time.

My room mate doesn't know how to clean and she doesn't make an effort to learn how to efficiently keep our apartment clean either.

To her, cleaning the bathroom means wiping down the sink. She has NEVER cleaned the toilet and whenever I'm gone for a while, this is the first thing I have to do because she never does it and I think that's quite nasty.

Photo by Daiga Ellaby on Unsplash
Photo by Daiga Ellaby on Unsplash

She doesn't keep the kitchen clean either and she's more or less the only one using it. Especially when it comes to the kitchen sink, she has no idea how she can keep it clean and it's just incredibly gross.

I know that since moving out from home, I've started to clean a bit more obsessively, I love disinfecting stuff and I know that this may seem strange to her. Still, I have told her time and time again that I do not expect her to clean our household in the exact same way that I do. However, I expect her to maintain a BASIC level of cleanliness that I believe everyone should be used to.

This is why I suggested that we come up with a cleaning schedule, which is what tripped her off completely.

What my room mate's day looks like

She's usually in her room for 22 hours a day and only leaves it to cook or to go grocery shopping. She's on the phone with friends for more than 12 hours every day.

Her ex boyfriend visited her once, stayed for one night and left the day after.

Her family comes to visit every once in a while, but usually, it's just the two of us.

Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash
Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash

Her issue with my boyfriend

As I'm sure is clear when you've read my previous takes, I spend more or less every day with my boyfriend and he usually stays at my place. My room mate hadn't ever noticed this before, so when I finally told her a few weeks ago that I had a boyfriend, this was pretty big news in her eyes. I didn't mean her any harm, but I had just always assumed she had noticed that he was usually sleeping at my place and didn't mind it. Still, I probably should have told her sooner.

When she met my boyfriend, he was really sweet, said hi and joined the two of us at our dining room table. She didn't ask for his name, age or occupation. In fact, she completely ignored him after saying "hello" once.

At first, I thought that she was being shy and didn't know what to say, so the next few days, my boyfriend stayed under the radar but occasionally tried joining us if I had a chat with my room mate. Still, she didn't even look at him whenever we bumped into one another.

They had an encounter without me that went better, but other than that, I could sense that my room mate was simply uncomfortable with him being here (despite her always being in her room anyways).

Photo by We-Vibe WOW Tech on Unsplash
Photo by We-Vibe WOW Tech on Unsplash

I gave her so many opportunities to tell me that I should send my boyfriend home, but she never addressed it and also didn't tell me what her issue with my boyfriend was.

Her issue with the cleaning schedule I suggested

A few days after my boyfriend visited, she went to see her parents. She left without so much as a goodbye text and the apartment was a mess. I scrubbed, vacuumed, wiped and disinfected our flat.

Photo by Magnet.me on Unsplash
Photo by Magnet.me on Unsplash

When I felt better about the cleanliness of my place, I texted her that I would like to introduce a cleaning schedule that outlined who would have to clean each week. I'm not sure about the states, but having a cleaning schedule is the norm in a shared flat in Germany.

My room mate then ignored the whole cleaning schedule thing and addressed that she didn't like the fact that my boyfriend had stayed with me for a few days. I asked her what her issue with him was, to which she didn't have an answer.

She then mentioned that I was a cleanlier person than her, that she didn't notice when the apartment was a mess and that I had to maintain the high level of hygiene that I'm used to if I want that high level.

This is not fair to me, I shouldn't be the one doing all the work.

Her issue with me living with her

It all boiled down to her wanting to live on her own. I would like to mention once again that I never see my room mate unless I want to, that I do all the work (which is a huge benefit to her) and that our apartment is too big to be inhabited by one person only.

She couldn't afford living in this apartment on her own, but she has mentioned that she could somehow manage to live there alone a number of times now.

Since I know what her budget is, I know that this would simply be impossible.

She would have to find a new room mate, who she probably wouldn't like too much either and who would probably annoy her even more.

I'm very quiet, cleanly, listen to her problems when she wants to talk for hours on end (despite me not being interested in her issues at all and her never asking me how I'm doing).

I don't really see why she hates me so much, in my eyes, all I do is add to her life while all she does is take away from mine.

Still, I love our flat and would love to continue to live there with her or share it with my boyfriend. If she and her ex were still together, I'd understand it if she wanted to get rid of me for him to move in, but since this isn't the case, I think she's being quite rude and disrespectful.

Photo by Dainis Graveris on Unsplash
Photo by Dainis Graveris on Unsplash

Also, I'm sure she would've reacted differently to the fact that I have a boyfriend if she and her ex were still together.

Why she's rude and disrespectful

She never even noticed that my boyfriend is here, yet all of a sudden, him sleeping in my room, using my water and electricity is what tips her off to telling me it would be best if I moved out.

She wants to avoid cleaning, so she tells me it would be best if I moved out.

She tells me we're incompatible, because she doesn't feel at home in our flat (she had moved back to her parents for almost 4 months) and tells me it would be best if I moved out, as though her living alone would miraculously cure her loneliness.

I have never dealt with this level of ignorance on her side and quite frankly, I think she's immature because she hasn't been able to name ONE SPECIFIC issue she has with me. Not one. The only thing she said is that we're incompatible and don't get along well enough for her to want to continue to live with me.

Talking to her is like communicating with a toddler and I'm not having it anymore.

I'm currently trying to find a place that I can share with my boyfriend, but during a pandemic, this is pretty difficult.

I want to make our living situation work, I want her to understand how rude she's being, trying to kick a 19-year-old girl out who's in a huge fight with her family and wouldn't have their support during a move right now.

Of course, I still have my boyfriend's support, but she doesn't know that.

Can you think of a polite way for me to tell her where she went wrong?

I don't want to upset her, but I'm angry and need to choose my words carefully.

My room mate is trying to get rid of me
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Most Helpful Guys

  • Wiredone
    Honestly, I think no matter what you say or how you say it, it's going to set her off. She is being very immature regardless of her age. The only roommate that would live with her is a complete slob. Are both of your names on the lease for the flat or just one persons name? Since she is on good terms with her family and has gone back there to live for several months, why doesn't she move out and you take over the flat with your boyfriend?
    Is this still revelant?
    • I agree.
      I think it'll all come back to her. Only when she lives with someone else she'll realise how much of an awful person she is and how lucky she was to have me.
      That's the only thing that brings me joy, to know that she'll realise eventually that I was never the problem.

      I also don't understand why she doesn't move to a flat for herself or just move back in with her parents since she's quite lonely. I don't get her.

      Both of our names are on the lease.

    • Wiredone

      How much time is left on the lease. There might be penalties if you break the lease early

    • I don't have a term on the lease, I'm free to go whenever I want to luckily.

    • Show All
  • OlderAndWiser
    You aren't going to change her or convince her to become the person you want her to be. Tell her that you two are not working out as roommates and give her the option of her moving out and you assuming the lease, or her moving out and you assuming the lease.

    How long until the term of the lease is completed?
    Is this still revelant?
    • It's complicated, but there's no term of the lease, both of us are free to leave the lease any time.

    • That simplifies your dilemma. It obviously isn't working. Tell her that if she wants to leave, she can, and you will find a new roommate, or you will move around a month from now.

    • I think that this is a good idea, I'll try talking about this with her as soon as she returns from her parents. I hate texting her my issues as I know that she's forwarding texts like that to her friends and family lol.

    • Show All

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What Girls & Guys Said

15
  • Tstrbrainer
    I can sense her. She sounds like a person who likes to be left alone.
    Sorry, you don't change her, and you don't have to sorry about her being lonely.

    One of you should move out.
    You don't have to worry on how she will afford the place, she will look after herself.
    • I'm so happy that she decided to move out without me prompting her to have that thought lol!

    • That's good, at least now you can invite your boyfriend to stay with you.

  • It's a normal situation when living with roommates for one or more of them to be uncomfortable with extra people sleeping over. Maybe you should try going to his place instead.
    • I can understand this, but please keep in mind that for almost half a year, she didn't even notice he was there whenever he was.

  • MannMitAntworten
    Get a flat with your boyfriend. Then you two can share the cost and cleaning. Your current roommate just sounds like a battle you will never win.
    • That's the ultimate goal, we're working on it.

  • es20490446e
    The fact is in life people have different priorities. So what I do is surrounding myself with people that have the same as me.

    Anybody else I don't even try. I just come clear and ask them what they want. If they want the same as me we do it together, if not I find someone else.

    Nothing taken personal, it just means we have different desires in that particular area.
  • Jjpayne
    Hopefully you will be able to find something workable for your living situation. Thank you for sharing!
  • Jesus_is_the_guey
    You seem to play the victim a lot I feel sorry for your boyfriend and your roommate I’m sure she’s not as bad as you make it seem please move and let your boyfriend find a better suited mate
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