I'm crushing on my brother in law!?

[Anonymous]

First off, I love my husband. He works very hard for me and my son. Secondly, I'm not sexually attracted to my brother in law. At all. I'm crushing on his personality. For example, my husband works a lot, and doesn't like to do anything on weekends. He doesn't know anything about vehicles or fixing things around the house, so if I can't do it, I ask my brother in law. He comes at the drop of a hat to work on my car or fix things that my husband can't or won't do. He is also very romantic with his girlfriend. She told me he surprised her with her favorite flowers at home, and took her out. I tried getting my husband out for a date for Valentine's day, and I'm still waiting... Even though Mother's Day, both our birthdays and our anniversary have passed. My brother in law also does tons of fun things with his girlfriend. They take dance lessons, go to clubs, workout, skydiving... My husband won't even go for a walk around the block with me. For Christmas last year, my brother in law bought me a toy like the one I told him I had when I was a little girl. It made me cry. My husband gave me his bank card and told me to get myself something. It's a fight to get my husband to do anything with me. I even offered to take him on a date to do what he wanted, and he decided to nap at the last second instead. Whereas, my brother in law comes to take my son and I out to dinner and pays and makes me feel good. He also constantly sticks up for me. His family member was saying really hurtful things to me, and my husband walked off, so my brother in law jumped to defend me. He's constantly sticking up for me and helping me with anything and everything. So, I sometimes wish I had picked him instead. What do I do? I feel disgusting and sick. I love my husband and I don't want my brother in law. I just wish my husband had the same qualities or wanted to spend time with me like his brother does.

[decemberxblue]

We're going to be attracted to attractive qualities no matter who's displaying said characteristics. Kind of disturbing fact, though. Consider how you'd feel if he got hard-on's for your sister or mother? Nonetheless, all the matters is what you can actually control - actions. Bear in mind that deliberate thoughts of lust *are* within your actions.

This isn't something your husband is incapable of. Have you ever expressed these concerns? (Feeling under-appreciated)

[decemberxblue]

And lack of effort on his behalf.

[Asker]

I have, but it just goes back to him being too tired or stressed from work. He does have a very physically demanding job, so it isn't far fetched. We've been around and around this so many times. How would I approach it? I'm afraid, after saying it so many times, that I'll just come off as naggy and he'll tune me out.

[decemberxblue]

Fatigue and stress is an effective recipe for apathy. It seems the real problem is that his situation isn't taken care of well enough to be intrinsically motivated. Addressing those concerns should come first, planting seeds in infertile soil will reap short lived rewards or perhaps none at all.

[Akernar]

To be in a relation for years is not the same as to be apreciated by someone that does not share that time with you, so dont be fooled by that, is not the same to be every day with one person, things change, but when you love someone you learn to apreciate things that are deeper thant all the things that are shining in people that just spend less time with us.

[HollyK21]

You're feeling unappreciated, and I think more light is shone on the situation because you have your bro in law to compare him to. Have u tried voicing you feelings to your hubby yet? It not, have a talk and express how you're feeling, maybe even consider marriage counseling. This sounds like an obstacle that can be worked around if he's willing to make some changes.

[Asker]

I've tried telling him, but it just goes back to how tired and stressed he is from work. The poor guy works his butt off, so I always let everything slide. But where does it end? I think marriage counseling would do wonders for us. We both love each other very much, and I know we could get passed it if we work together.

[HollyK21]

Yeah, if talking to him doesn't work then I'd deffo look into counseling. Youve been giving him passes bc he works a lot, which is fine to a certain extent. Nothing is wrong with wanting to actually feel like you're in a relationship. And the last thing you want is to cheat bc you've been feeling like this for so long. I wish you the best with your hubby :)

[bubble_tea]

there's only so many hours a day. you didn't mention if bro in law has a stressful job too.

[Asker]

He works construction.

[bubble_tea]

so is he working as hard as your hubby or not?

[Asker]

He has on and off weeks. My husband works nights, between 50-70 hours. His job is very physical and draining. I only asked him for a dinner date once a month, it isn't like I'm demanding he take me out every weekend.

[bubble_tea]

I hope you notice you're comparing oranges with apples. But I agree, he should make for of an effort.

[Asker]

I know I am, and it isn't fair. It's just so hard to not be jealous when the person who dotes so much on his girlfriend is always around and talking about it.

[bubble_tea]

yes it's hard to not be jealous of his gf... but your hubby has a family to take care of, he doesn't. maybe he secretly hates working so hard and only does it for you two. sit down with him and ask him if he's happy? tell him all this and start with "i feel so and so when you do so and so".

[Diego9O]

Well he is your brother in law.. But am you should considere the problems that it can generate in your family. It´s good to fallow your heart just when the reason say´s OK there will be no hugde trouble.

[oldtom188]

I think you need to make a concentrated effort to explain to your husband, the fact that you want to do more things with him. He's probably working hard and is tired a lot.

[Asker]

He does work hard and has crazy hours. The poor guy is constantly exhausted, and I understand that. I asked for a date once a month, but he thinks "going on a date" is giving me money to buy myself dinner. I have brought it up to him, but it hurts his feelings so badly that I just gave up.

[oldtom188]

Well, don't compare your husband to your brother in law or anyone else. Marriage is a lot of work. You need to work with him and maybe a counselor to resolve issues. It's not hopeless just keep putting effort in and voice your concerns.