HELP! My mother doesn’t want me having sex?

[Anonymous]

I am 23 and still live with my parents as I am saving to buy a house. I have had long term boyfriends in the past since I was 18 who I have had sex with, and other guys that I have slept with more casually. After a few months with no boys in my life, I’m back on the dating scene now where I am finding at my age and confidence in my sexuality, things are a lot more casual than what they were. Sex happens a lot earlier on when dating and it’s just assumed that when I start seeing someone, shortly after the first couple of dates, we will be having sex or I will stay at his place. I am totally fine with this and am actually longing to be sexually active again, but my mother who I love very much is not okay with this. I don’t want to disrespect her and go against her wishes. I also don’t want to lie about where I’m going, but some guys are confused about my situation and it makes me feel like a child who can’t make her own choices.

How do I deal with this situation with my mother? I still live under her and my dad’s roof so it’s hard to argue with that. My friends think it’s crazy how open I am with my mother about my sex life. They say just go out and tell her that I’m staying at one of their houses. The idea of lying like this makes me feel sick! Mum always finds out. Is there something wrong with me or is she too overbearing?

[Goochbreaker]

There is something wrong with you, and everyone, the only sane person are the rare mothers who actually give enough of a shit about their daughter to insist upon good moral values. If you have sex early in a relationship, you sell yourself short. Sex is supposed to be the light at the end of the tunnel so to speak, the prize on the mountain, for the men who can earn it. You give it away, you come off as cheap and worthless. Also, men don't want a wife that's made the rounds with a bunch of different guys, what women refer to as the 'right guy' (meaning one who would make a good father and stable household good values etc) wants a virgin or as close to a virgin as possible. We don't want your emotional baggage... and every time you bond physically in that way with someone, there is a fallout to the termination of cette bond. You should thank your lucky stars hug your mom and take her advice. We've all been young and stupid, just admit it and listen to your elders for once

[Asker]

Well the thing is here, I’m not a child and can make my own decisions. This is a decision I want to make. I don’t mean sleeping around with anyone and everyone! And I don’t really care what a man does or doesn’t want in terms of what I’ve done in my sex life. I’m not going to not explore my sexuality now because of what my future husband does or doesn’t want... This is my choice alone. But I believe my mum is still treating me like I’m a teenager. She shouldn’t need to know the ins and outs of not only my sex life but my dating life as well.

[Goochbreaker]

your mum is treating you like someone who cares about her daughter... and you would be wise to listen. You may not be a child physically but you are acting like one. You don't care what your future husband thinks about what you've done with your life? That's fucking stupid.

[Asker]

How exactly am I acting like a child.. something as petty as who I’ve dated and chosen to sleep with in the years of my early 20s should not be something my future husband concerns himself with. And if he does then I don’t partcularly want that person as my future husband. I don’t mind what he may have done in his past dating life. It goes both ways. But yes I agree that she cares and is looking out for me. But she wants to give the tick of approval on a guy I’m dating. She doesn’t seem to trust me to make that choice for myself. It’s infuriating.

[Goochbreaker]

why should she trust you? You've already dated several men and have no husband. You want a husband who doesn't care how many guys you've slept with? Well I hope you are prepared to take on a shit ton of emotional baggage and deal with a possibly unfaithful partner because the statistics are in, the fewer partners you have in the past, the more successful the marriage. Good guys aren't just going out to get laid, they are looking for future wives. What are you looking for? Some sex. Yeah, you are acting like a child and your mum is smart. Fking stop talking to me and listen to HER you are lucky to have one that is wise and cares

[Asker]

Wow you're pretty rude hey. I'm not ready to be married but I'm sure you've gathered that already since I'm so immature. Don't know where you're getting your statistics from but I am actually one of the reserved ones in my circle of friends, who are all wonderful, intelligent people who practice safe sex. You must still see sex as a very taboo thing, and thats fine for you I suppose, but I see it as a wonderful natural thing that should be enjoyed and shared between two consenting adults. I just think we are living on very different planes.

[Goochbreaker]

you are the one being rude, to your mother, which is arguably far worse than some stranger on the internet haha. Your circle of friends is probably fucked, don't feel bad, most are, we are living in an age of shit culture. Sex is to be enjoyed between two consenting adults, but they should understand everything about it, instead they, and you, understand only the physical implications and thus don't treat it with much respect at all. Sex is like shrooms, you should be really careful who you do it with and know that the repercussions will likely change your life. You should know what it does to your sexual market as a women, but instead, you choose to be a naive child. You were programmed to be this way by your owners. Your ideas of exploring your sexuality are stupid and are not your own. It is never in the woman's interests to have sex with a man she doesn't intend to marry. EVER.

[Asker]

Alright thanks for your input Mr stranger. I do think we have very different opinions on the world though.

[hahahmm]

@goochbreaker, her mom is not God. Respect is a two-way street when adults deal with other adults not one-way. You are most likely s mamma’s boy so you don’t get it.

[Kennethac20]

Its pretty common she's afraid some guy will harm you or you'll end up pregnant or with an STD
So given the fact you are so open and close to her
Talk to her about it
Tell her "mum, I know you just care about me and you wanna protect me, but I'm Ok and I'll be ok, I know how to take care of my self, I won't get pregnant, no one's gonna hurt me, I know who I go out with, don't worry about me, I promise I know how to take care of myself, I'm a grown up now, I can deal with my life, I love you but let me make my own choices
I'll be fine, if I leave soon I wanna be used to take my decisions and take care of myself, love you"
Something along those lines, don't lie to your parents they love you and gave you life, all they want is to protect you

[Asker]

Thanks for the advice. I’ve tried to talk to her a number of times about it but it always ends in us disagreeing. Will have to keep trying I suppose.

[Kennethac20]

Maybe you can try giving up dating till you get your house? I don't know how much you need to save still
Or just disagree again and again every time you say 'I'm gonna go met with a guy"
Till you leave

[Asker]

Yeh no way am I doing that! I’m standing by my decisions here. It’ll still be quite a while. Also just wondering what other people’s home dynamics are around this.

[Kennethac20]

Personally I can't bring girls to my mums house cuz I don't even have my own room, at 20 years old yeah I know
But I can just go to that girls place anytime no problem my mom knows I'm not stupid she just say "ok take care be safe love you bye" and this it

[Asker]

Yeh I wouldn’t bring them to my house. She’s just not happy about me going out at night. Wants to know where I am, what I’m doing, when I’ll be back. She even messages me while I’m out asking what’s happening.

[Kennethac20]

Well thats a little bit over the line in my opinion

[OjosOscuros2]

I mean at this point it shouldn’t matter to her. If she wanted you to be a saint then she should’ve taken you to church and beat you with a belt like my momma did. My mom kicked me out the first time I spent with my boyfriend and he’s now my husband anyway. But I doubt that your mom would kick you out, so you do you.

[Elaine3001]

What amount manwhores men can do whatever the hell they want with their bodies but when it comes to women we have to stay pure and innocent to make you happy? Yeah no. Let her do who and whatever she wants.

[Anonymous]

She is only controlling/prying BECAUSE you act like a child by telling her every detail and inviting her to comment.

When my mom tries to ask something too personal I shut her down. When she tries to lecture on a topic I don’t want to hear about I shut her down too... your mom’s time to teach/lecture was when you were a kid. Now you’re an adult. She has no more right to lecture you than she has to lecture someone her own age.

[Asker]

Well that’s how I feel! I’m beginning to tell her I’d rather not talk about the details when she asks me about it and she gets so hurt! I may as well have slapped her. Then she won’t speak to me for the rest of the night. It’s getting ridiculous.

[Opinion Owner]

Just say something like: mom, I appreciate that you care and that you raised me... (long pause) but I’m not a child now. The time to lecture me was when I was a child.

Just say this one time. After that when she tries to lecture... just say, no. I’m not talking about this/do not lecture me.

In all of the above don’t say, ‘I’d rather not’. Be 100% firm.

You have to ignore the tears and her being upset. She will get over it. 90% chance it’s just an act to manipulate you anyhow.

I had not lived with my mom in many years when I let her live with me in my 40s & she tried to lecture & take over my home. It was ridiculous. I shut that down. They act more crazy the less firm you are.

[Opinion Owner]

Also once you get on the right track with how you communicate, it won’t matter if she knows you are sleeping over a friend’s place or not cause she won’t turn it into a problem. She might be real pissed that she lost control tho!

[Apoorv_2812]

Please don't hurt your mom... I know it's a tough situation but you'll get what you want and it will be the best just have some patience because no one else is before family and it's the everything you have

[Asker]

I love my family very much but I believe there are some choices I can make on my own and should be able to make. I’m happy to hear my mother’s opinion but at the end of the day she shouldn’t hold it against me for taking control of my own life...

[Apoorv_2812]

No no... I am not saying that be a slave ok leave it just let your mom do whatever she wants and you keep agree with every opinion she says and on the other hand you do what you like. m. there is no problem doing it...

[Apoorv_2812]

You are happy... she'll be happy... I am happy

[introvlox]

If she wants to know everything then she has to accept everything. Advice is fine but rules should only relate to living stuff not relationship

[Anonymous]

That's probably why they don't want you doing it. Not only still living in their house but sleeping around

[Asker]

I didn’t say I want to sleep around...

[Opinion Owner]

Well you said you slept with guys casually so

[Asker]

In the past. Which she even knows about and doesn’t hold over me. Now I just mean guys that I am seeing or dating. Not one night stands or anything like that.

[iamshan]

Nah i think she merely wants you to set some standers that's all.

[Asker]

Trust me my standards are extremely high.

[iamshan]

Well all I can say is that she cares about you and you in old days people use to mate after the marriage and i think what bothers her is that when you become sexually active with a person you hardly know but yet again it's your life and you do what you like but i would suggest you to take her wisdom in consideration.

[BlackMaleYou]

Why doesn't she want you to have sex?

[Asker]

She says that she ‘raised me better than that’ and that I should only ever be doing it with someone I love.

[BlackMaleYou]

Is that what she did when she was younger?

[Asker]

Well I wouldn’t ever really know. But I’m quite sure she only had sex with two men in her life. Both of them being long term relationships.

[BlackMaleYou]

Choose ur own path and talk to her about it. You can still have lots of sex without being a slut i. e. with a friends with benefits. U can get a long term friends with benefits if sex is what u want at the moment. If she doesn't let you live ur own life then the only answer is to move out and be independent

[Emilyis]

hyou need to move out of the house girl.

[yourdarksecretx]

Lie to her

[Asker]

Yeh well that’s my problem here. I can’t. I’m a ridiculously terrible liar and she will find out. I hate lying.

[yourdarksecretx]

Jeez... Then go against her will