My dad spends all his time with his girlfriend. How do I cope with this?

Question

All the time my dad is with his girlfriend. I see him 1 hour a day alone max. He's usually at her house, it's like they live together! And what's weird is that they haven't even been together that long and they already act married. I've always had an active parent figure in my life, no matter who it was they were always around at least 6 hours a day. I haven't even slept alone in a house by myself until he started seeing her. I wish he would come home more because I miss him. I've tried to talk to him about it, and he always turns the blame around on me to make me seem like a little child who is too clingy. Which is true, but I just want my dad around because when he's not here I just sit and rot in my house. How can I cope with this? How can I switch from being so dependent to being alone ALL THE TIME? Is he reasonable in doing this to me? These issues make for a shitshow for my mental health because I feel unwanted all the time.

nightdrot · Accepted Answer

Without having a lot more information than what you provided, there is no way to answer this question definitively. Do you live with your mother and just visit your father? Do you have some mental health issues? How long has you father known this woman and do you get along with her? What has your relationship with your dad been like to now?

The list of questions that are relevant is almost endless. However, a few points can be made.

First, at least as you have portrayed it, your father's response sounds cruel and selfish. Were it my son - I have two small boys (ages 8 and 6) - I would not lecture him about being too clingy. I would be concerned that he felt that way WITHOUT, however, simply giving in.

You should be happy that your father is with someone who makes him happy and you should wish him well. In this there is more than a bit of selfishness in your reaction and you need to see that and correct yourself. It is not all about you.

By the same token, you may have come by that selfishness naturally. Your father's response, as I say, seems needlessly cruel. He should be concerned that you feel as you do and he should make time to spend with you.

Proceeding from that, I would do two, seemingly contradictory, things. First, tell your dad that you apologize for your selfishness, say that you are happy for him, and say that you cannot help how you feel. Then ask if you could make just one day a month where you just spend the day together doing something just the two of you. Then pick that day then and there so that he can plan for it.

If he says "No," or puts you off, that will say more about your father and HIS selfishness than it says about you. Adjust accordingly.

Secondly, if you live with your mother, stay away from your dad. Except for the day you reserve together, do not spend time with him. Don't call, don't speak, don't see him. If he asks to see you, say you are busy.

The old saw is that "absence makes the heart grow fonder." If your dad feels he is losing you, he may miss you and want more time with you. Also, it will give you time to make more friends and develop a social life of your own. At your age, it is long overdue that you spread your wings - and in that sense it is time to grow up.

Make friends, go to ball games and movies. You are in a great time in your life. Appreciate what you have and make the most of it. Whining that "daddy does not love me" is a waste.

Seriously, I wish you well. As a father my heart goes out to you.

Unnameable · Accepted Answer

He's currently in the honeymoon phase of his relationship, where he wants to spend all of his time with his new girlfriend. It will pass.
In the meantime, this is a great opportunity to learn to be more independent. You're almost 18, and you need to leave the nest someday.
Or you could just invite a boy over the next time your dad says he's going to his girlfriend's for the night.

AwesomeCookie · Accepted Answer

@furbyperson have you made date plans for you& him to hang out? Does he invite you to go along & hang out with them? What do you both do while together in the short amount of time you do have?
I only ask because I too have a teenager & I'm dating. I spend just about every weekend with my boyfriend, whether at his house or mine. My teen has has made similar statements & I will say I accomodate my activities to fit his hobbies/likes, such as movies, bowling, fishing, going to the range, etc. & he still chooses to exclude himself. At this point it's an open invite, and he is old enough to stay home if he chooses not to tag along. I'm not going to force him to join nor am I willing to listen to him cry about being left at home alone.

debi2622 · Accepted Answer

I am so sorry for you. He should be home with you more. At least he could invite her over so you can get to know each other better. Maybe play games, go to the movies, cook dinner together. And you should not be blamed at all. My boyfriend has 3 boys, and we see each other a little less when he has them for the week. I would be very disappointed in him if he ignored them or did not give them his time. As it is, you will be an adult soon and the time he could have spent with you will be gone. Cannot make that up. You need to talk to him again, but this time write stuff out. When you talk to him leave the little girl out of it and be as adult and matter of fact as possible. Hugs!!!

D_Bone_Steak · Answer

You gotta grow up kid. Dad needs some puss and one day you'll understand how serious that need is. Shit, I bet you're still at the age where you trying to figure out how to get some puss.

I mean seriously. This is a good chance to invest spending some time with yourself. Lift some weights or something... practice your math or coding skills. Money and looking good are ways to get some puss.

Also this is a great chance to observe something... women eat up all your damn time. They want to make sure you don't have time to bond with anyone else or do anything with anyone else. I call them 'planners' because they always make plans or shit I gotta do. Have a day off work and you're looking forward to finally having a day where you don't have to do a bunch of shit? Nope... she'll fill it up with a bunch of shit to do.

But yeah my sympathy for you is shot since I had the opposite problem... I had adults all up in my shit and making my life as shitty as theirs is. If your Dad just got this girl, give it 3 months to see how it will actually be in the long run. It could just be the honeymoon phase of the relationship... you know, us dudes and our new toys gots ta get played with to the point of boredom.

Zenurus · Answer

I agree. at least it seems like a shitshow. And at your age yea he should (in my opinion) still act like a dad.
But we all have what we have... And when one realizes how much is around they become richer. So one possibility would be to "silence" your mind. Chill so to speak. Roam the house. Roam the neighbourhood. Take the road you don't usually or haven't taken. Be available, take apart in conversations and possibilities. Be a part of what ever you notice and can be a part of. Be it a friendly soccer game, a book in a library, someone collecting their fallen groceries. Meet new people and experience. Get richer with each day which feed new ideas which feed new.
The start may be odd and slow, but the world is odd. No matter how far you go. New things are supposed to be odd.
Just - don't - stop.
Our mind is the most important thing we got. Take this from a nurse from brain trauma rehab. Or listen to Henry Rollins talk.
I hope you're well and find you're already on that path. Enjoy the journey.

MrCTH · Answer

I’ve had this before, you should tell him that you’d like to spend time with him. You should also possibly go and meet his girlfriend on your own, this way she can understand how you feel and possibly talk with your dad about spending time with you.

If both of them don’t listen when you next get invited over to see him, you should either say you’re to busy with something else (if you’d like a relationship, this would be a good time to invite a boy or a girl over). If you do end up inviting a boy over, you should take him to go see your dad, that way although it sounds quite mean, your dad might give more respect towards you, as you have a boyfriend. That could mean that your dad is frightened that if he offends you, he might lock horns with your boyfriend, girlfriend or partner. Although going back to saying your busy when he next invites you over might give him the hint.

Although this sounds awkward, from personal experience. This is the time that they might think about starting a family, if they end up doing that. Your dad might spend all of his time with his family, you should agree during school hours or a time that he his free that you could go out together or go for a walk. However, if this doesn’t work. Just cut him off, I know it sounds mean but just cut him off, I know it will hurt. But wait for him to reach out to you seriously.

Thanks for bringing this up as this is a topic that more people should be aware about.

Best Wishes

Owen

j_corona · Answer

Babe you should never feel unwanted, you are special. And its more than likely your dad is not seeing this from your point of view. Your just being misunderstood, personally i tell you to really get your dad to understand before you do anything dramatic, because then he will see it as you rebelling agaist his relationship. And even if you dont stright out say you want him home, tell him you dont feel safe alone, or even tell hin how you really feel about being unwanted becasue that could really leadup to harms way.

A-kay · Answer

You need to understand that Sometimes people don't like others interfering in their life so I suggest you to do something, get to know things, learn something new, make friends and hang out, make any future plans, I know when they don't give you time you feel weird, if you're in love with someone. Also remind him That you're his child and what he's doing to you is equal to Leaving (abondon) you. Find friends buddy, if you have a girlfriend then take her help, also try to adapt, They don't need you? Fine just find something to do.

Amanda__Murphy · Answer

A lot of people may find your feelings about this off or selfish but I can understand where you are coming from. Not all teens bond with their parents but I have always been close with my mom so when she got a boyfriend it felt weird at first. Seeing her getting all excited and practically acting like a teenager with a man who wasn’t my father was tough but you move on from it eventually. My advice would make use of the free house lol you’re 16 after all. Invite girls over or friends. Have some parties etc

achezc · Answer

You won't like what I'll say but Live and let live… get yourself a girlfriend as well, I don't know how long your dad had been single for, but if it had been a long time he probably was feeling pretty bad about himself for that situation and this changed now, you are just feeling jealous, since you are afraid to lose your dad to this stranger… this is a good opportunity to practice independence, as I told you… get a girlfriend as well, and you'll get why your dad is acting this way, and if you already have one spend time with her, don't think about your dad, focus on your school and exercise, trust me you'll thank me later when your body thank yourself by becoming more attractive for women, or guys or whatever you be into…,

bubbatxman · Answer

I am sorry this is happening to you. My parents were people who ignored us except when they needed us to do something for them. Like chores. At your age 16, I decided to start MY OWN life. I quit band, I got a job. I earned my own money. That gave me a good sense of self worth. I made friends at work. I even had an older girlfriend (I was 17, she was 21)! I dated and began my adult life. I lived at home, but my life was in my school (which was for ME), and my work. It’s funny/sad because my dad died last year, and my mother is acting needy and wants me to visit her frequently because she is lonely. She was a lot of the reason for my estrangement from them, so I still keep my distance and made my own life with a wife and 3 kids of my own. I really hope your story can turn out like mine., with you making your own life successful! The world is your oyster! So and seek out and do what you love.

roody · Answer

I went through this same situation when I was your age... It was really poor on my mental state so I went and received help from a professional to cope with that. It is also important to stay with your friends and rely on them to help yourself not feel so lonely. I think you should bring this up to your father in a non-accusing way, just tell him that you miss him and that you want to spent more time with him. Don't try and argue, that'll just make it worse! I fought with my father so many times over this and I regret it a lot.

Allie_Oops · Answer

I mean, as mean as this is going to sound, you're 16. You do sound a bit clingy. Don't you have friends at school or something? You're dad must have been lonely and when you find a boyfriend/girlfriend, it's exciting and you want to explore it. Just because he's a dad doesn't mean it's any different. It's not like you're 5. You're 16. Occupy your time with something else or ask if you could maybe visit her with him, have the three of you do something together. But he doesn't need to spend every waking moment with you.

brodiewilson82 · Answer

Honestly bud with you being young I know what you're going through you probably feel like his girlfriend is stealing all of his attention away from you if that is correct the best thing that you could do is simply go to your dad and ask hey I feel like we don't spend enough time anymore together could we do something together hang out or something maybe see if he wants to grab a bite to eat for lunch or wants to go see a movie go play a favorite sport together say if you're into golf or miniature golf miniature golf is fun for any age or even a hobby might work in this situation if you guys like building models try building a model together the small things that you do is what is going to make him realize that his girlfriend is not the only person he needs to give attention to

Anonymous · Answer

wow my is dad is so like this and except he is at home but he is always doing fun stuff with her and her kids because she pays for him (because we dont have a lot of money right now) and he never invite us and when i say something about it he gets so mad and says well you never want to come when i invite you so i stopped doing it blablaba so not true i always want to come he just wants to blame someone else because he feels guilty im rotting in my house while he is doing fun stuff with her and not with us because he can't pay for us

pingu58 · Answer

In most countries, until you're 18 he has a legal obligation to care for you or ensure you're cared for, including anything psychological that may impact you.

He might feel different, he might feel like he wants to live his own life now and has either squared that away in his own mind by telling himself that you're old enough to look after yourself, or his new girlfriend may be pressuring him to be with her at her place because she doesn't want anything to do with you. You might have to push him a reason she can't come round instead or you three spend time together. If you don't already know her, maybe try to get to know her, and let her get to know you... Because if you two get on she'll also want the three of you to spend time together.

Ignore those that say you've got to do this on your own... It's not true. But if talking to him about it hasn't worked then talk to someone else - a friends parent for example.

DoctorWize · Answer

You are old enough to know that dad has been lonely, he now has a new girl and she isn't disappearing tomorrow. I would say you are also mature enough to make an effort to try understand him and accept her into your family. Have a chat with dad and see if something can be done to please everyone concerned. The time has come.

Anonymous · Answer

hard situation maybe his new girlfriend don`t like to share him and have been changing his mentality about you, that you are old enough. I personally think it is wrong when a girl dates a guy with kids she needs to know they always will come first even when they are old and that is also hard for her since she onlys want to be loved without someone coming first. Do you understand? Now, you can talk with other familiars about it maybe? You have some options talk with your dad , his girlfriend, or stay alone and deal with it accept they might get married what will get worse in this last scenario. Be strong and fight for your future don`t depend in your dad or anyone

zeronura · Answer

Umm not that severe of a problem but I was almost always alone in my home since like 6th grade, it kinda alienates you from your family you won't be depending on others much and you will find a thing to comfort you.
If you wanna keep having a healthy relationship with your father I think it's better to talk to him to make some time for you at least once or twice a week just talk with him about any thing that happened, it won't alienate you that much but you will still get the benefit of becoming independent.

Paris13 · Answer

Sit Dad down and Tell him how you Feel about this Deal. Try and Compromise so perhaps the Three of you can even Bond. The street goes both Ways as far as I am concerned. maybe dad would enjoy this as well and at the same time, You both can get your own at Home relationship Back to where it was once At. He has this Newbie in his life so Better get Used to Maybe even have a Step Mom down the Road. xx

LS1984 · Answer

He is in the honeymoon phase, but that is no reason for him to ignore you. Tell him, I know you're busy, but, I still need you to be here for me. Explain to him that you can both have separate lives, but that you really value the time as father and son. Suggest times and activities, and be the bigger man and tell him you don't mind if the girlfriend comes with, as long as you can still hang out.

ArrowheadSW · Answer

I feel for you because he really does need to be around more. I see you are 16, and it is perfectly normal for someone your age to want a parent around. I'd say calmly try to talk to him about it and maybe try to come up with creative ways for you two to spend more time together. Try to keep calm and keep a loving tone. He might "get" your point. Hang in there man!

Anonymous · Answer

My dad is the same way but he's married. He spends more time with my mom all the time and basically leave him alone/ don't talk to him. I know that he's busy with work and such but I don't see how he could do that to me when I'm not allowed to date, wear a Afro, I can't stay out pass 7 and I'm not even allowed to cook without them being home. If you are barely hanging out with your kid yet you give them a bunch of rules to follow and basically bully them around its not going to work. I don't date, I don't go out, I wear my hair how my parents say I should and I don't purpieeyes talk to guys in my state so I'll be less tempted to date them or leave the house with them but it's hard at times and it's fracking depressing because I don't have no one to cuddle with or be with. Your dad is wrong how he's treating you but I suggest that you find new people to be with.

RasmusAiken · Answer

This sucks for you I know. And where is your mom in all this. When you have a girlfriend in the near future you will understand more of why it takes so much time and effort to maintain a relationship and it will be easier to excuse his absences. Also this is why it's unwise for single parents to get into relationships until their youngest child is 18 years but it's too late for your dad to hear this bit of wisdom.

KarimScreamy · Answer

Unfortunately, there is not much you can do about your Dad's new decisions concerning the unbalanced amount of time he spends with his new girlfriend. He is losing out and so are you. If the girlfriend honestly cared for him, she would strongly advise him to take part of her time alone with him and give it back to you or at least find a way to introduce herself into your life so that the three of you could spend time together. Even if your Dad is afraid for you to meet her because he does not yet know if she is going to be a long time girlfriend or more, he still should not be spending all of his free time alone with her.

PussandBoots · Answer

I feel for you. This is tricky because your dad and his girlfriend are in the "honeymoon" phase of their relationship. During rhis time they are exploring each others boundaries and establishing their bond in moving foreward. You didn't indicate your age in your post so i will have to assume you are in your teens.

From what you've stated, you have already tried speaking with your dad but he has made excuses and blamed you. I'd like to recommend another approach. Make plans to do something with him. Invite him to go somewhere together. Find something you both enjoy doing and invite him. Explain to him that you respect that he is exploring a new relationship and it must be exciting but there's no reason you can't have some alone time too. I'd even go so far as to suggest you give him a weeks notice and just tell him what and where and don't ask. Take control of the planning and time. Even if you are only successful 50% of the time, you'll be spending more time than you are now.

Sam253 · Answer

Well, i would say make him feel like you are his daughter and you need the attention. Make him feel you are father and you have some responsibilities. Try to spend some time with him. Don't tell him directly that you are not paying attention to me. Just talk to them about the good time of your past life whe. You and your father were together. Remind him the best moments of your life. Make sure not to tell him to leave his girlfriend. Just make him feel that you are very important part of his life. If you need any other suggestions. Ease feel free to ask me.

Drumlin2001 · Answer

You're 16. You're nearly an adult. You seem to be very dependant on your dad which ought to work away from. If your unhappy at being aline so much why not pursue a new hobby, make some new friends. Or get a job.
You're dads in a new relationship, it's natural he wants to pursue that, and he obviously feels your mature enough to look after yourself.

steelbunny · Answer

Same as you, i talked to him about it and he told me i can't expect him to change his plans just because im lonely/miss him. Hard one to swallow. Hope you get better results!

Anonymous · Answer

I understand what you are going through. My mom just got remarried and I feel like since then she gives so much attention to her husband and not enough to me. I suggest making plans with him, maybe asking him to do something with you so that you guys can get more bonding time. Make sure he understands it is supposed to be a time just for the two of you and not to add his girlfriend to the plans. I do this when I start feeling separated from my family and it allows us to have better conversations, etc. I hope this helps!

tking99 · Answer

My parents have never been around much, i pretty much raised my brother and i think we're both stronger from it. Be happy that your dad has found somebody, and figure out how to take care of yourself. Soon you'll be an adult and have to take care of yourself anyway

BExNeko · Answer

Honestly, you're old enough to be able to stay at home alone. Rught now, I barely see my parents once a day and I don't mind.

Get a hobby, something to keep you busy. This can range from physical activities to gaming, reading or hanging out with friends :p

Your dad probably used to be lonely (in a romantic way) and now wants to spend time with his lover.

ryancg · Answer

You're 16, you're at the age where you need to start being more independent. Hate to be so harsh, but I gotta keep it real. And the only real suggestion I have is just to man up. I'm sure that's the way you're father sees it too, he probably just doesn't realize that he hasn't properly prepared you for the eventuality of him not being around as much. It's a tough pill to swallow, but you're practically an adult now, it's time to grow up.

HTooLive · Answer

Hang out w friends and enjoy your life your close to being 18 and grow up a little yes your dad should spend some time with you or at least a day. But he has a life too u gotta get use to sooner or later.

doogo · Answer

Kid youtlr dad is giving you every opportunity to bring girls over and get laid. What the hell is this dependent stuff your talking? Stop it, call some girls and get to work. Stop acting like a little girl and drop your balls. I mean this in the nicest way I can say it. Take advantage.

abhi28 · Answer

hey i know how u feel... damn that feel sucks... u tried talking right... then show him by your actions (behaviour) what u need... u r just asking some love and care.. nothing more ☺... talk about good memories that both u r having.. now describe your situation compare both

Kaprim · Answer

Don't feel unwanted please, I'm sure your Dad cares about you and might just be wishing you get more independent. However, there's always some other people to cling to, make friends go out and discover the world just like a bird which pushed off the nest so it can fly for the first time, and remember don't feel unwanted ok, just proof to your dad that you're a grown up.

Logorithim · Answer

Tell him how you feel. He might think at your age that you don't want to spend time with him and that you can take care of yourself.

I can understand that he is excited to have this girlfriend, but I agree that he should spend more time with you.

0007-h · Answer

If this doesn't change/resolve soon, it might be hard, but u should spend ur time for yourself. Grow urself, learn things, do what ur passionate about, explore life and decisions and think a little about ur future.

yeneiri · Answer

Hi! :) how about try to convince your dad to bring his girl home more often so you don't have to fight for your dad's time and attention? :) tell him that you also want to meet his girlfriend.. :)

Nik1hil · Answer

simple
tell him.. you hate being alone..
if he cannot be around.. then can you not accompany him to his girlfriends place.. you have no issue with her..
and you both girls can get to know each other better too

howlyz · Answer

Maybe the situation will settle down after the first phase of relationship is over, you need to wait it out and do something on your own in the mean time. Maybe you need a girl friend also, or a girlfriend

FinalVow · Answer

call cps or dcf that will force him into issues if he doesn't. or call the police child neglect, he wants to turn it on you then show him who is really at fault

AMANS_498 · Answer

You are very young... you still got a lot to see and explore. All i can suggest you is that talk to your father and look if u all cqn hangout together thia will be easy for both you and your father.
U should try new things and find things that u like..
just try and see if things work for you and do tell me... if this works.
All the best 😊

Finchie40 · Answer

Your Dad is just addicted to the hoof he still loves ya once the honeymoon faze is over he will be around more lol

CuChullan · Answer

He needs to be much more considerate. You need to have a serious talk and not listen to his emotional blackmail stuff, and tell him that. You need some stability in your life.

Whatthefluff · Answer

I empathize with you so much. I completely understand your frustration- you feel neglected and alienated.

jallen162371 · Answer

Dads gotta have a life too. We often get too caught up in our parents being dad or mom that we forget they have basic human needs aswell. It says your age is 16 you should be enjoying those precious years bc they go quick 👍 so go make some memories

baby181036 · Answer

You should concentrate on your studies, have some hobbies&have at least one good friend with whom you can chat when you have nothing else to do, afterall you are 16 years old, not a child

ur00000000 · Answer

Quit being selfish and let him be happy maybe he really needs an outlet to escape for a bit and maybe you need to get out the house and find a hobby to take up your time you be less affected by it who know you might find someone your self

Anonymous · Answer

You need to sit down with him and talk. Maybe you guys can work something out. Maybe he can take a few days off each week to spend with you.

noperoo · Answer

1your dad is an ass and is cheating on you but he wasn't w u in a sexual way 2get a hobby, your parents can't be a hobby

notsurewhatusernams · Answer

In all honesty its not natural for a father figure to leave a 16 year old daughter and only see her for an hour your not desperiate you still a kid dont put this blame on yourself for poor parenting

dzann · Answer

There is nothing u could do here... As u said they act like being married without even being together for long then trust me... They'd never end up together... Your dad will realize thia someday

rachelle_1346 · Answer

Not sure, my grandmother does that with her boyfriend

Guanfei · Answer

Suck it up and deal with it. You're not a baby, your dad is happy, don't get in the way.

amaan1 · Answer

The best opinion of mine is that u can find yourself also one. So you would spend time with him and u will not feel alone.☺☺

Anonymous · Answer

You're 16... Grow a pair and get yourself a girlfriend so you can worry about your own dick and stop worrying about what your dad is doing with his.

i_usman_tahir · Answer

Get in relation with your dad's girlfriend's daughter!

Jeremy_G · Answer

He just wants someone to be with. Tell him you want to see him more.

Anonymous · Answer

I’ve went through this before. I never really said anything cause I didn’t want to make my dad upset. But maybe you should try talking to a different family member and getting them to help you

jayshu · Answer

talk to you daddu.. n find a solution.. tell him about your inner grief's

Anonymous · Answer

Dude, you're not a little child, you're 16. Act your age...

My dad spends all his time with his girlfriend. How do I cope with this?

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My dad has been on and off with his girlfriend for years now it and makes me uncomfortable as he tries to get me involved what should I do?

My dad spends all his time with his girlfriend. How do I cope with this?

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My dad has been on and off with his girlfriend for years now it and makes me uncomfortable as he tries to get me involved what should I do?

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