Argument with Boyfriend led to panic attack - healthy to remain?

[Anonymous]

Hello! I'm looking for some advice from people who aren't actually involved in our lives since obviously those can be biased. I'm in a long distance relationship and we've been together for a couple of months. So far all has been well and he has usually been quite sweet. During a visit last weekend, tensions had been high because he was jealous of a guy friend of mine. We ended up getting into an argument that lasted for hours. I finally got to the point where I had been crying and was warning him that I needed to be alone for a moment to let my stress levels reduce, even using the word "panic attack" to him. Just so you know, panic attacks aren't common for me but, I know myself well enough to know my stress levels were high enough that it would happen if I didn't leave for a moment. He told me that he'd leave me alone BUT he also kept telling me how upset he'd be if I left and how he just wanted to spend time with me, making me feel guilty if I did leave. I did end up having a panic attack after he threatened to leave me stranded and just let my friend (the one he was jealous over) house me overnight and take me to the airport in the morning when he'd originally been planning to do that. Granted my friend would have been willing but, I hadn't asked him since my boyfriend was supposed to and it was late. Finally after I had a panic attack, he quit making me feel guilty and quit the argument. For the night. He still seems to be blaming me for the fight but, says he'll react differently in the future if we get into a fight (let me have breathing room when I'm stressing). He can be really sweet and I don't think he means harm but, I'm afraid if I continue I'll end up in an emotionally unhealthy situation. I love him and I'm confused about if this is normal mistake territory and I should just let it go or if this is as potentially bad as I'm afraid it is. I've struggled with emotional health and don't want to lose the progress that I've made in recent years. Any advice is appreciated!

[bobair]

This is a tough question because it's hard to know what boundaries he was crossing, and how good you were at making those boundaries.

The risk of doing "nothing" when he upsets you is that you're teaching him that he can push your buttons into a panic attack and he'll still get his way.

The best resolution, from my point of view, is to talk out what happened and why you were so upset. And what you expect from him in regards to your relationships with other people, and any space you request.

It's not fair for him to ever hold the relationship over your head, that means he's got one foot out the door and it will create resentment in your heart, killing the relationship ultimately.

Long distance relationships are even harder because there's no direct intimacy. So they are more prone to fail without good safety nets.. like open healthy communication. And lots of give and take.

Finally, it's NEVER your responsibility to manage how your boyfriend/husband FEELS. It's not your JOB to be accountable for his reactions to you. As long as you're behaving with love and honesty, and everyone's best interests, then it's okay that he's upset. When you make yourself feel guilty because of his reactions, then you're hurting yourself.

He's the only one responsible for how he feels, not you. Knowing that will help you feel less guilty when you're trying to open and honest with him. If he's going out of his way to make you feel bad, that's him trying to manipulate you. And that only works if you let it. Don't let it.

You come first because nobody else in this world has to live in your shoes. So take care of you first, then everyone else.

I hope this helps,
~ Robby

[Anonymous]

This is pretty complicated because if he now backs down at every argument because he's worried he'll give you a panic attack then eventually you'll start treating him like a doormat.
Just tell him to give you space in future, have a talk with him and just tell him it can't happen again, if you have an argument and feel it happening you two just go in separate rooms or something and go stew for a few hours.

[LostInLove123]

I've been in the same situation... But I ended up going to the hospital for it. I couldn't breathe and the fact that my boyfriend did leave me alone for that time. But, it isn't right that he is saying it's your fault for the argument when it was his jealousy for it. You can't let that get to you at all because it's only going to make things harder in the relationship. Try sitting him down & talk to him about the whole situation, & get things through to him. Because, I thought I wasn't going to be able to deal with the stress my boyfriend was putting me through. I never had panic attacks, & with him I had them all the time because so much built up with me. But, really it's unhealthy & you really need to sit him down & actually talk to him about it because you want things better right? not worse. I hope that helped a lil. My friends advices let me to leave my boyfriend because I couldn't deal with going to the hospital constantly over arguments I had with him.

[Anonymous]

Your overthinking things. Your letting outside influences affect your health. Don't think of yourself, but think of him. How would you feel if your man was close friends with a girl that you didn't know. You wouldn't like it either, put yourself in his shoes. Appreciate your man, and don't dwell on your panic attack. It'll only push him more away.

[TsubasaCorrupted]

Probably not