Girlfriend’s friend is trying to invite herself on our vacation. Do I have a right to put my foot down?

[Anonymous]

She’s a very sweet girl, and I like her, but I also think she crosses the line from time to time. She consistently tries to include herself in our “couple” plans.

Basically, I bought my girlfriend and I tickets to Disneyland. She’s never been, and she’s always wanted to go, so as a birthday present I bought two tickets for us to go to Disney for 4 days. I told her friend what I was doing and her friend agreed it was a great idea, but then began saying things like “we’ll have so much fun there.” Essentially saying she wanted to be included in the trip. Which I wasn’t crazy about, but I figured I’d let my girlfriend handle it.

Once I gave my girlfriend the gift, I told her about this friend inviting herself and my girlfriend originally felt how I did— that we didn’t want her to come. She said she just wouldn’t mention we were going until the last minute. Well now our plans are set, we are going with another couple, and a couple weeks ago my girlfriend told her friend when we were going!

I don’t want her to come because 1.) She’ll want to stay with us, and I don’t want to share a hotel room or AirBnB with her. 2.) When it comes to rides, most are designed for two to ride together, which means one of us will be left out. 3.) This girl is not the “quiet, go with the flow” type. If there’s something she wants to do that conflicts with our plans she’s gonna want to do it and at the very least drag my girlfriend with her.

My girlfriend seemed to understand, but I think she’s hoping this friend will just not ask again instead of telling her it’s our vacation.

This girl has no problem telling my girlfriend she’s not included in plans when she has a boyfriend or is seeing someone.

Updates

+1 y

My girlfriend is afraid of hurting her friend’s feelings and insists that this girl has good intentions by constantly trying to include herself in our plans. I don’t doubt that she is a nice person, but she HAS to know she’s crossing boundaries. I told my girlfriend she does this intentionally to put my girlfriend in a position where if she says “no” she feels bad, and that’s not fair. This is OUR trip.

[molonski2]

She is a manipulator this so called " friend " , in MHO she has a more devious plan , she wants your girlfriend and doesn't want you around , you can bet she is slagging you off behind your back also.
There are only a couple of choices , but you must address the issue head on , otherwise all you get is a s#it holiday.
1. You can say I'm not going under these circumstances , and give her the ticket , risky as she may take and they have a time , or she takes it and girlfriend is pissed that she took it , or 1.3 they go and have a s#it time , coz girlfriend wants you , either way , conflict and drama.
2 . You just go with " Sweetheart , I love you dearly , I saved for this special holiday for us , it can only be us , as this is an important milestone moment , if the scenario were different no problem "
Then maybe make an alternate suggestion for the ( 3 ) that doesn't matter , doesn't even have to happen.
3 . " Sweetheart as we discussed in the being , this is for us , I love you , I want us to have a wonderful time , if Xyz# is coming she MUST have her own room , this is 60 % private time "
this one you are at least giving the option ( that you know she can't afford ) so its an Olive branch of sorts.
4 . Is just the absolute " she's not coming , I wouldn't enjoy it , its not going to work with example ( abc ) " Risky , because she may hold it against you , although she may like you standing up , depends on GFs personality

There are no perfect options , but it needs to be made absolutely crystal clear black / white to girlfriend that one way in another she friend is simply not coming. I have been in this exact scenario , years ago , and a managed to get though it with massive points going to me , best way is to try and assure that girlfriend does not loose face , the friend doesn't matter , its the only way.

Good luck man..

[nortyyee]

Ask your girl if it would be okay for YOU to confront her friend? Just be respectful and considerate of how her friend feels. I'm sure she's not doing it intentionally, honestly a lot of people don't have a lot of friends so maybe your girlfriend is her best friend? But since you're in a relationship regardless this girl is your friend by association and if this were me I would be completely honest. "I enjoy hanging out with you, you're a great person but I really want to do this for my girl. I planned this to be special and romantic for us and I just don't want you to feel left out. We can definitely do something when we get back and we'll stay in touch while we're gone but this is something I really wanted to do for (your gfs name)" something like that I don't know man this shit all depends on how much your girl respects your opinion and what you want

[Anonymous]

Well, I think you kind of messed up when you said you're going with another couple because if you were so gung ho on it being this special thing with you and your girlfriend and spending time alone, why is the other couple invited? Maybe she thinks if you're inviting someone else, what's one more?

Before things get out of hand and the friend is cramming her suitcase into the car with you, don't fume over this silently because your intention is to actually have a good time on this trip and if the friend is going to run it for you, you have to make that clear (in softer terms) to your girlfriend. Emphasize to her how special of a trip you want this to be for the two of you and how there will be events and activities in the future that she and her girlfriend can go to together or that you can all hang out with, but just not this trip. DO NOT use the words, "who's more important," ---just don't. Hopefully though when your girlfriend sees how absolutely important this is to you, she will agree and then the next step is for you to go to her friend and let her know that you and your girlfriend are using this as a couples only trip and that you guys have agreed that when you get back, your girl will hang out with her or whatever to continue the party.

[Asker]

The reason the other couple doesn’t bother me is because they’re a couple. I think if anything it solidifies my point. It’s a couples trip. If she has a boyfriend she wants to bring them I don’t really have an issue. My issue is that there will be a 5th wheel and because she’s my girlfriend’s friend and not friends with the other couple she’s going to invade mine and my girlfriend’s time not their’s. She’s not going to expect the other couple to include her, but she will expect my girlfriend.

[Opinion Owner]

Feel free to take my advice or don't. Good luck.

[yoshi_wanna_ask]

Sometimes, people have grown up in a household or in a culture, where they genuinely don't know that certain behaviour is rude. A number of cultures see forcefully doing what you want as ambitious or self-expression, which, it just isn't. There is, always the spoilt brat thing too. But then there's people with genuine conditions who might be able to cope pretty well with life but miss things like being rude and realising, over-stating, over-staying, over-sharing and being a general loud mouth. Those are genuine pieces of different disorders and people don't often realise what they've done or that they've done something inappropriate. It's quite possible that's not it but as someone with Aspergers a *lot* of times I've been the one to ask that awkward question everyone else figured out for themselves and my cousin with ADHD has done things like invite himself along to things without exactly asking before. It can be managed with basic explanations like you would to a child but not everyone's mind works the same.

[btbc92]

Your girlfriend is the problem not the friend. Your girlfriend doesn't set boundaries. Your girlfriend doesn't respect your relationship. And your girlfriend relationship with her friend is more important than you. Overall what isbthe harm in enjoying her birthday together with others? Its her birthday. I believe that you should operate birthdays and vocations. Never group them together. Relationships are not suppose tone selfish but she needs time with her friend too. If her friend feels neglected that's what happens. If you two go alone make sure your he gets just as much time together with her friend too. That's what you all need to do. Because your f2f personality type NEEDS closeness with others too. If your easily jealous which it sounds like as well, perhaps she is not for you? Stop smothering each other and allow her to spend more time with her friend too. For now, both of you go on vacation and next time allow her friend and her to have their alone time too. Share each other's company.

[Asker]

Absolutely not. I’d rather stay home than go with her friend tagging along. Who tf wants to intrude on a couple’s vacation? Like, if one of my buddies said he and his girlfriend were going on vacation I wouldn't even think to invite myself. No. My girlfriend knows what’s right, she just is terrified of confrontation.

[btbc92]

Well for starters your not married. You do NOT have ebthat authority to say what she can and cannot do. Your girlfriend from what you do t want to see, rather not bother and get along. How I know? I'm one of those people. I domt like arguments, and strife and confrontation for no reason, etc. But, she has the be the one to do it. That is her friend, let her deal woth that or just return the tickets back. That's all. Stop being stubborn. Again, her friend is feeling some type of neglect. It's it for you to jump in or else there will be a fight, your he will be sad and depressed and you'll force her to chose her friend over you. And if something doesn't work out in this relationship, then she'll blame you. You people talk about compromise so much, do it. Or lose this relationship. You should have thought about that before entering a relationship with her. Your not in control.

[btbc92]

At that point, stay home.

[btbc92]

Her birthday is the wrong time to be hogging her out. Go at a time where important dates are not taking uo. the space and allow her to hang out with her friend. She sees you all the time. Because she will not let her friend go over you. You knew what type of personality she got. Like I said, if you cannot learn to allow a person to be able to spend time with other people. Then you need to find somebody else, who is equally sharing your sentiments.

[btbc92]

Because it sounds like to me there's a lot more going on between you and this friends of hers. And it's very obvious you hate her friend. And at that point if you got to hate a friend that's where you should have cut off the relationship. So I don't think it's wise for you to use your friends as an excuse. Because your qualms is not what your friends your qualms is with her friend.

[Asker]

Your comment is riddled with grammatical errors so it was difficult to understand. So rather than attempt to respond to statements in which I don’t fully understand what you were saying I’ll say this— I do not hate her friend, she is a nice girl. I started my post off with that. What I don’t like is that she intentionally puts my girlfriend in difficult positions. This is not the only time this has happened. For example, My birthday was a couple months ago and when she found out it was my birthday and my girlfriend and I had plans she said “well I’d like to join you guys for dinner. We could go here, here or here” That puts my girlfriend in a difficult position. My girlfriend ultimately just didn’t answer her because she didn’t want to tell her friend no because she knew the girl would be upset. Her friend knows what boundaries are because she always sets them when SHE has a boyfriend, that’s how I know she’s aware of what she’s doing. It’s rude and manipulative.

Also, it’s not going to be my girlfriend’s birthday when we go. I gave her the tickets on her birthday (April), we are going around Halloween. So it’s not that her friend wants to spend her birthday with her, her friend always wants to be included in what we’re doing. But she doesn’t include my girlfriend in plans with her boyfriend when she has one, nor does she ever invite my girlfriend to go on vacation when she plans one. This girl also grew up about 45min from Disneyland and has been, so it’s not like she’s never been there either.

[Asker]

Also, are you saying that you have to love ALL of your significant other’s friends? That’s absurd. My parents have been married for 35 years and they both have friends that the other hasn’t ever liked.

[btbc92]

Asker, my typos or grammatical errors have 0 to do with what is going on here. No you are hating on her friend because number one you feel that you are entitled to your boyfriend. And you're not. If you want that much entitlement over hurting you should marry her. She wants to spend time with you and what is wrong with that? She wants to feel like a family. And there is nothing wrong with feeling that way. But at the same time there's got to be some boundaries.

The problem is if you both knew that that's who the kind of person she is then why in the world did you bother dating her? This is never going to change are you going to understand that? Your parents are your parents. But that is not the relationship of other people neither should it be in a relationship of other people. But that is not the relationship you have and should have. Your parents are married that is a different story. You are not married, therefore you do not have that right. This is why you don't go around any strangers. You date a friend whom everybody knows, and who everybody can approve of the relationship. Otherwise you're just asking for trouble and that's exactly what you got going on.

[btbc92]

Or it's very possible that unhealthy attachment to your girlfriend. Which I can see a lot more too. If your girlfriend's okay with that, there's nothing that you can do. Except break up. Your choice.

[btbc92]

Because as long as you are dating her it will forever go on and she will not stop. So it's less Ado About her friend being manipulative parent and more to do with the fact that your girlfriend has no desire and after setting boundaries because in actuality she wants to be told what to do by people. People like you and her friend whose decisive. And sadly your girlfriend think she's making peace when she's actually creating a war but she don't know she's creating it. Until your girlfriend gets tired of it, she just going to do whatever it is she wants. Stop making excuses for her she's a grown behind woman. She is not 16.

[btbc92]

Girlfriend*

[Asker]

I honestly have no idea what you’re saying t this point, your comments are very confusing, and that’s why I pointed out your grammatical errors. I’m guessing English is not your primary language, and maybe that’s where the confusion is stemming from.

[btbc92]

I had a situation and may again go to the same situation with a close friend of mine who started dating somebody who I know that wasn't good for her. She's the one that decided to introduce us without either of us knowing. We got to talk with each other, and I told him that he wasn't right for her she still dated him oh, he admitted to her that he didn't like me at all. I never had any qualms with him personally until he started saying certain things. Do we started doing some things that she knows that was not appropriate in relationship especially as Christians. But every time that she had a problem she would come to me for advice. And that was something that he did not like. But at the same time he was hurting her. In that relationship as another relationship I have never played favorites. I set boundaries for myself and respected theirs. But I still get the hate. Now I knew what the hate was. Jealousy, enviousness and demons. It took her a long time to see that but she still desired him. Still to this day. So I know exactly what your going through and everybody's POV. There is still no excuse for this. You need to settle it with your girlfriend. And of you don't, then stop complaining about it.

[btbc92]

English is my native language. I am born in an English-speaking country. If you don't understand what I'm saying and you need too seriously take a look in the mirror. My comments are not confusing. What I'm seeing with you is that you don't want to hear something that's truth.

Her friend wants to spend time as a family with you and your girlfriend. She is not dating now is She? No. So she wants to hangout and be a part of your relationship. By the way whether you agree with it or not, as I said the first time your girlfriend is the problem.

[btbc92]

Told her*

[btbc92]

I am speaking using voice typing, so naturally most of everything but what I'm saying, it's going to come off with grammatical errors and typos. If I was on my computer I would be able to type a lot better. My phone also autocorrects everything.

[Asker]

Please explain what this means, since you think the problem is with me— “So it's less Ado About her friend being manipulative parent and more to do with the fact that your girlfriend has no desire and after setting boundaries because in actuality she wants to be told what to do by people.”

[Asker]

Or this one “No you are hating on her friend because number one you feel that you are entitled to your boyfriend. And you're not. If you want that much entitlement over hurting you should marry her.”

[btbc92]

1. Your girlfriend cares too much about other people's feelings than her own. She doesn't want to pick a side and rather for things to resolve itself.

2. Simply as I said. You are not her husband to give her orders who can and can't have as a friend and do. You don't want to admit that her bond with her friend is more stronger than your relationship. And you feel you are losing control in it.

[btbc92]

Who she can and can't have*

[btbc92]

Tell me I'm wrong.

[btbc92]

She has to decide who is more important to her in her life. Because she is treating you more like a regular friend than a lover to her. Even though a relationship is also a friendship. She doesn't see you as that special friend that she can share a special type of intimacy with. Get me? She looks you and her friend the same way. That's where the problem lies at. Her inability to separate her friendship from a relationship with another person who needs her by their side. And it's hurting you too.

[btbc92]

That's why I told you unless you confront her about it, you either let it go and deal with the relationship or end the relationship. I would rather end it.

[btbc92]

I know you like her or love her but she is not considering you either. That's not love. That's convenience. She doesn't take your relationship seriously.

[Asker]

You’re wrong. Read every other comment on this post.

[btbc92]

I read every comment on this post. And I'm telling you if you don't want to deal with it, let go. Most of the people on here are either very selfish, or they are self absorbed. Your girlfriend will do nothing.

[btbc92]

This is your relationship. This is nobody else's relationship. it's not about who's right or who's wrong, it's about what needs to be done. Apparently you people must love drama.

[mmncac81]

I didn't wanna say it yet but btbc92 has good advice. That's why I personally would not give a shit about what any of them including girl thanks about View ding a dirty dog and being yourself as you would be on any vacation alone with you girl and that should be naked connected and together spending time the friend if normal would not even take an invite with you guys on a solo vacation no matter what you said to the person any friend wood hide somewhere before they would intrude on such a thing.

[mmncac81]

I know take me as the 4th wheel and I promise you that I will handle the friend. Shit I might still have the friend stuck to me after you guys have already left who knows LOL

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

"Her friend wants to spend time as a family with you and your girlfriend. She is not dating now is She? No. So she wants to hangout and be a part of your relationship. By the way whether you agree with it or not, as I said the first time your girlfriend is the problem."

She is neither family nor part of the relationship. So why would she be treated as such? She sounds like a manipulative "friend" and OP is absolutely right to not include her in his plans. Some women sure do get triggered when men decide to exercise boundaries, if the friend wants to go Disneyland so bad, she can make her own plans. I do agree though that OP's girlfriend should really be the one to put foot down since it's her friend. But she hasn't so OP needs a solution to this problem. The solution is simple: say no. No is not a toxic word or a mean word or a disrespectful word. If the friend really can't take no for an answer, then she's not really a friend, but rather is a scrounger. Nobody wants scroungers tagging along on their hard earned vacations.

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

I may retract my statement about "women getting triggered", that didn't come out sounding very good. But the rest stands.

[Asker]

@SomeGuyCalledTom Thank you. That pretty much nails how I feel about the situation.

[btbc92]

@SomeGuyCalledTom

Healthy relationships have people who are like family. That makes the friends, the intermediate family, the community and the couple happy. Every source of relationships from the dawn of time had people involved and invested in people's marriages. There was no such thing as dating or having boyfriend or girlfriend. You either had a spouse, a mistress/lover or bastard children if born out of wedlock. The whole idea of separatism is part of socialism and it's fairly new.

"So why would she be treated as such?" Because she is a Friend. And a friend should also be somebody you love and show care and affection for. The point of the matter is not that she is a scrounger, but the fact that again, gu s relationship with his girlfriend is poor. And toxic at taht. That is something that the Asker do not want to admit. He likes the control and the girlfriend give a him the control. It's not just because she can't say no. But that she doesn't want to take sides. And the asker is too stubborn to see that.

Again, they are not MARRIED he has no authority over the relationship accept what he decides to do with his money. That's all. He should think about that before investing in a woman he's unmarried to.

[btbc92]

If they ask her if she chooses to break up with his girlfriend, then he should not have to be the one to complain. Because his girlfriend made it very clear that she does not want to hurt her friend's feelings. That should let him know how much he really means to her. She doesn't put him first.

[btbc92]

And no it's not that women gets triggered. If the fact that when you have a close bond with somebody you do not want to lose that relationship so it because somebody just pick up somebody did not marriage him. If it was a marriage that would be a different story. But when you're simply dating somebody it does not mean you smother yourself with a person and you don't spend time with other people. Even if that friend is manipulative, which I can see for myself that she is. The point is that his girlfriend chooses to do nothing about it. And she is never going to do that. The friend is not going to listen to him because she doesn't have to answer to him. At the end of the day she's going to have to answer to her front. Make up your mind, Asker, because the time is ticking.

[btbc92]

If the asker chooses not to*

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

There's a lot you just said that I very much disagree with, but I'm not invested enough to lay out my counter-arguments in turn, so let's just agree that we view this very differently and call it a day. OP should have sufficient viewpoints from various perspectives by now to make informed decision. I just don't think it's right to make broad statements about the "toxic" state of his relationship based on... him wanting to... have a holiday with his girlfriend without being rudely interfered? Nothing controversial about wanting that. I have people I consider close friends, and it's *because* we're so close that I can tell them to piss off when their welcome is overstayed, and vice versa. Now, I do get where you're coming from, in that OP doesn't have that kind of relationship with the his gf's friend. For better or worse, his gf's silence does reveal something about her motivations. It could be that she values "not offending her friend" more than "enjoying a couple's weekend in privacy".

So perhaps the solution, @Asker, isn't to "put foot down" with the friend, per se. But rather, to communicate your need for a private, intimate holiday to your gf-- and then ask her which one of you she would rather speak to the friend. If she's just afraid of conflict, I think you should get her blessing to talk to the friend yourself and take control of the situation before it spirals. If she genuinely would rather let her friend invade the holiday even knowing it would hurt you, then she'll reveal any such intentions when presented with the choice either way.

Frankly this sounds way more "politicky" than it need be. If a friend of mine invited themselves to a holiday I'd already booked, I'd laugh it off, say "fuck no you ain't coming", buy them a beer as peace offering, and life goes the fuck on.

[btbc92]

@SomeGuyCalledTom

What you're not getting is not about whether or not you and I can agree on things. The point is is that this is their relationship and their relationship. I am not here I am giving him a solution. And he ought to take the solution or he doesn't. In fact it is toxic because first of all she does not want to do what she needs to do. It is their relationship, it is their life they got to make a decision about what it is that they want. And it's not up to us to interfere with that. The friend at this point has zero to do with the intentions of the Asker. It has to do with the fact that she's being singled out because she is not dating anybody. And he's wanting to use that as an excuse to poke holes in the relationship between his girlfriend and her friend. It doesn't matter what you are I think. What matters is what he thinks, what matters is what his girlfriend things, and what matters is what her friend thinks. It has zero to do it with political.

[btbc92]

Because he's going on this holiday with another couple as well. That's toxic. The friend wants to spend time with people that she likes and it has less to do about going to Disney World. If somebody treated me like that just because they dating other people I wouldn't want to be around that kind of person. I have respect for people in their relationships, but I don't need to be disrespected either. The girlfriend in my opinion has an unhealthy relationship with people. I know that for myself because I've been in her situation before even though I never dated. I'm the type of person that don't like taking sides, and I'm also the type of person that the first to get along with people. If I was in her shoes I would feel very conflicted about the type of people that I have in my life. And at that point I think I would rather get rid of the boy friend and the friend so I won't have to be in those positions.

[btbc92]

I'm not here to argue*

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

I can actually agree with that, insofar as her not doing what she needs to do. I wouldn't go so far to say the relationship is therefore toxic-- after all, we're working on limited information here by virtue of the medium. And no doubt you, me, and all the other commenters bring our own biases of perception into the equation. OP should see the facts as they're laid out, the conclusion-- as you rightly point out-- is for him to work out with his partner (and by extension, her friend)

[btbc92]

I'll tell you why the relationship is toxic. The relationship is toxic because number one he has a personality that like to take control of things. She has the personality that would rather be submissive and a follower. Both the friend and the boyfriend are dominant people. And because she's a people pleaser she doesn't step up and make our own decisions. She's a type of person that likes to go with the flow. He's a type of person that likes things in order. Who likes knowing that he's in control. To know that things is going his own way, to know that he has a say in a relationship because he takes Pride at that as a man. By her being dismissive. But what makes him feels inferior is when she has a friend who is equally as dominant. He's focusing so much on the first hypocrisy, which is very evident in what he wrote, that he's pretty much Blind by what is happening in front of him. I am quite intuitive, I can see it very clearly.

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

I'm not here to argue either, now that I see more of your thought process I think there are definitely some things we agree on here. I was under the impression from your first comment that you was basically saying "you have to just go along with it and not be toxic by protesting against it". I get your point that this says more about the girlfriend's way of interacting with the world than it is about the Disneyland situation in particular. All good food for thought.

[btbc92]

They are not matched as a couple.

I'm not going by my own bias. In fact I have no bias in this matter. I like to keep my personal opinions of things, unless noted as an example, out of questions like these.

[btbc92]

Plus, he clearly said that this is not the first time that they had a problem and his girlfriend did nothing about it. Those are red flags, and I cannot see how is that he did not see this from day one when they met.

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

we keep posting comments at the same time lol. I just don't see him wanting to control this situation as inherently "toxic". If his girlfriend won't, then who WILL? Maybe she needs to work to become more assertive in conveying her needs around people, so ideally it should come from her. But it's circular logic, coz like you say, she won't have that difficult conversation by her own volition, so saying it should be different doesn't actually change the situation OP finds himself in. Bottom line: nobody has the right to insert themselves into other people's plans. If anything it's the friend who wants to control things here, OP just wants a nice holiday. Maybe your intuition sees beyond what I can observe, but this all seems quite a stretch of logic to me, especially since OP BOUGHT THE TICKETS himself, as a birthday gift for his girlfriend. His question was whether he has a right to say "no" at this point to the friend (either directly, or indirectly via his gf). And I believe fundamentally, he has that intrinsic right-- regardless of the supposed state of his relationship, or whether he likes control, or whether his girlfriend is a doormat, or whether the friend has manipulative intents. All these claims are secondary. Whoever books the holiday, has first pick on who's invited. Anyone else who wants in, should ASK and wait patiently for an answer. Basic human courtesy.

[btbc92]

And I agree to that extent the issue is again, he doesn't like the friend. He doesn't want to admit that, but I won't fight with him over it. He comaplined about her being a 5th wheel. There are two more people going on that trip. He doesn't want her there at all even if she does ask. In otherwise he doesn't want to baby sit her friend. And I think that is a messed up way to consider a person. He also Pointed out he would be fine with it if she has a boyfriend coming along, because he doesn't want her go Disturbed their 'quality time'. It's not about the tickets.

[btbc92]

It's more like he wants to take 'revenge' because the friend when she was dating somebody did similar to them before. It's all toxic.

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

"Plus, he clearly said that this is not the first time that they had a problem and his girlfriend did nothing about it. Those are red flags, and I cannot see how is that he did not see this from day one when they met. "

I don't remember reading that particular detail. That does seem like a red flag, although I can only speculate as to its meaning or significance. Only OP really knows, coz it's his lived experience, and we're getting passed down information after the fact. So yes, our bias will jump to fill in any gaps. Of course we bring biases into the equation, because we each have our own lived experience and reference points for interpreting reality. But anyway, that's a whole rabbit hole and I'm getting quite off track now, so at this point I'll wish you a good evening and be on my way. @Asker sorry I keep referring to you in the third person, my parents raised me to not do that lol

[btbc92]

He think that she will interfere during the trip because she doesn't have a boyfriend to spend some time with. And will bother them and the other couple. It's all selfishness. I read the entire post of the question and his other replies. That's why I responded the way I did.

[btbc92]

This is his reply to a female anonymous user:

"The reason the other couple doesn’t bother me is because they’re a couple. I think if anything it solidifies my point. It’s a couples trip. If she has a boyfriend she wants to bring them I don’t really have an issue. My issue is that there will be a 5th wheel and because she’s my girlfriend’s friend and not friends with the other couple she’s going to invade mine and my girlfriend’s time not their’s. She’s not going to expect the other couple to include her, but she will expect my girlfriend."

[btbc92]

I rest my case with that one. Proof is in the pudding.

[Asker]

Jesus I was hoping by no longer respond to you that you would go bother someone else. You’re awfully bold to say some of the things you’ve said. The scenario is presented is merely one situation in a relationship that’s been going on for nearly two years now. My girlfriend doesn’t like confrontation, whereas I see confrontation as a path to solution. Confrontation is not always negative. To suggest, no that’s not the right word, to insist our relationship is TOXIC is extremely bold and quite rude of you. You don’t know me, you don’t know her, you’re making your assumptions off of the very little information that’s been provided. You seem to be the type of person who just enjoys being right, especially if you have the minority perspective in a situation. You get off on “being right” while the majority is “wrong.” To state that I can’t disagree with my girlfriend and be upset because we don’t agree because she’s my girlfriend and not my wife is preposterous. However, with that being said, after discussing it my girlfriend DOES agree with me. The other couple agrees with me, my girlfriend’s mother and father agree with me, her other friends (who are friends with the friend in question) agree with me. Now, she’s just trying to figure out the best way to tell the friend. (Drops mic.) Go criticize someone else’s relationship. It amazes me how bold people are behind a screen.

[btbc92]

If I can tell it to your face I would. I'm not scared. I domt care who agrees with you. Your relationship is still toxic and most people are toxic. You all are crazy! And if you all like it, deal with it together. I am nowhere near you to tell you that. Two years you allow This! 2 years. And you have the audacity to complain? That should have been over years ago.

[btbc92]

She can agree all she wants, but if she does NOTHING, it's all on her. At that point she might as well get rid of the friend. Period.

[btbc92]

Just don't have friends then of that is how you people want to act and live. You don't need other people then. nobody is saying confrontation is supposed to be negative. But the fact that it is not your place. It's your gf's place to do do. If she does, she does, she doesn't you deal with it.

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

"Now, she’s just trying to figure out the best way to tell the friend."

Glad it all worked out for you guys. I do love a happy ending.

[lightbulb27]

girlfriend needs to get used to the feeling and risk of hurting her GF's feelings and say, this is she and you on this one, so sorry. she is a boundary violator and so strong clear boundaries are needed to maange her. if you want to do soething else with her in the future, ok fine. I've gone on trips with my married friends, but they invited me and I played a role. this girl is just doing this because it's a way to live life when she doesn't have boyfriend. she'spossibly bipolar or goes depressed easily, strong mood swings maybe. or she's on meds... some people odn't have a clue because they don't want one or their brain chemistry is messed up from meds.

[LiMBoH]

Put ur foot down dude. And it's not like you have to be an ass to her friend when telling her to back off.
Be straight up, you and your girl want quality time ALONE. You know your gf's friend will be trying to take up as much of your gf's time as possible, it's not worth it to be 'polite' and let her come.
Also if you take charge (since it seems like neither of you are), your girlfriend would love it😉😉😉

[Asker]

I told my girlfriend I would tell her friend and she said no because she’s afraid it’ll start a fight. Both me and the friend are confrontational people, my girlfriend is the opposite.

[GreenPenguin]

Of course you have the right to put your foot down, but I think maybe you should help your girl out a bit.

She obviously don't want to hurt her friend's feelings and I can understand that. Suggest to her that you break the news to her friend. It's a hard thing to do and by doing it for her. You might even end up tanking quite a bit of the negative emotions, but isn't it worth doing it for your girlfriend?

No matter what happens, someone's gotta talk to this friend about it. She won't stop unless you break it to her.

[holograph]

Not only are you in the right, but you would even be within reason if you broke up with your girlfriend if she won't stop treating her third-wheel friend like she really is part of the relationship. I hope you find a way to avoid having to do that. It's a nice thought to not want to make anyone feel bad but it's just not possible in the real world, and she ought to have the social skills to softly tell her friend no without causing her to feel bad in the first place.

If the friend comes AND the girlfriend lets this girl control her plans, I would ask her... who are you dating here?

[Aidelwaish]

I just want to give u quick solution, just say this to ur girl friend and her friend. Its east BUT u MUST say it in playful and firm way at the same time.

1. What u say to her friend: oh ya... about the disney, we will go there just two of us.. (smileeee), haha well this is our "Honeymoon" sarah..😎 (playful tone and expression), so it will be exclusive for two of us this time. 😁

2. What ur girlfriend says to Sarah: yes.. 😊 this time we have arranged for our quality time. :( sorry dear.. i wish 3 of us could go there. Next time okay? 😉

[Aidelwaish]

Be playful tone and expression but firm.
I understand it will be very uncomfy for both of u.

U and ur girlfriend can make it.
U can do it.

[Aidelwaish]

After i think it through, it is ur girlfriend who must say it. Not you.

If sarah get offended by ur girlfriend, do not worry, bcoz if she is a good friend, she will actually and absolutely understand later.

U can tell ur girlfriend about my suggestion if u want.

[wingattebaby16]

well, I have an easy solution...

Tell her she is welcome to join you, BUT it is time for her earn her keep and contribute...

That means she needs to join you in bed and you get to have sex with her just like your girlfriend... and just like your girlfriend, she has to please you and enjoy everything that comes her way...

she will get the message and butt out... or you will have a new sex partner to enrich you and your gf's sex lives.

[Sensmind]

I do feel for you but also understand the complexity - The issue is your girlfriend does want to hurt her feelings, I would say to my girlfriend "I'll play bad cop - Tell your friend I don't want her to go, it is a couples' holiday and she would be a third wheel if she went (obviously if you can think of a kinder phrase use it)"

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

Yes, she is your gf's friend, so in a sense she *should* be your gf's responsibility. But if your girlfriend won't say "no" out of fear of conflict, then it's gonna have to be you. Be the man and make the decision, remember, you're taking this trip to make your girlfriend happy, not to make her friend happy. And what kind of rude person just invites themselves on something major like that? If you don't set the boundary now, the friend will take advantage in situations like this for the entire lifespan of your relationship with your girlfriend.

[mmncac81]

I'd have to have a little fun with this because in merits a lesson needed for someone AKA the friend. I would do the opposite of what your emotions I'm telling you and not only let her go wish you guys, but help make it cater to her friend. And you treat things as if the friend is a fly on the wall. Meaning, ignore her being in the room with you guys and try to have sex with your girl maybe making a friend uncomfortable and or least of all you would not be letting the friend make things any different than how they would be if it were just you and your girl alone on vacation. I know it'll take some guts to actually follow through with this, fuck it why not is tell the truth

[HayleyMarie]

You absolutely have the right. You planned and vacation for the two of you, she needs to step back. Just let her down nicely-say you already have the tickets and everything booked and that you two were hoping to have a nice romantic time. Maybe offer to plan something where she is included in the future?

[AbigaleRose]

You absolutely have the right to put your foot down, I can understand you giving your girlfriend the control in this situation because it is her friend. However, if she can’t say no, I’d most likely talk to the friend myself. Tell her that you want it to be a romantic getaway, something special for just the two of you, and that you could arrange something for before or after you get back if she wanted to have a part in the birthday celebration. I wouldn’t feel bad about it if she has no issue in telling your girlfriend when she’s not invited to things, and I’d tell your girlfriend that. I hope you get what you both want:)

[AwesomeCookie]

You have legit reasons! Build those boundaries now cause she may want to be apart of everything that you guys do in the future... Maybe move in with you both to your first apartment, be there in the room when she has your first child lol... There's so many first that you may want just between you and her.

[HungLikeAHorsefly]

Food for thought: one time my girlfriend's best friend invited herself along on an overnight trip out to the GF's parents cabin in the woods. At some point, we went skinny dipping and that kinda sorta turned into a threesome.

Mention this to the friend. If nobody's down with that, then problem solved.

[Taylor_C]

You should absolutely put your foot down. She needs to learn to keep in line

[VaIiant]

You ABSOLUTELY have the right to put your foot down. You paid for your girlfriend, and you are 50% of this relationship. You are not dating both of them. Her tagging along is weird, and her inviting herself is just plain old disrespectful.
Sit the friend down and tell her straight up she's not coming.

[SkipStop]

Of course you have the right to speak up. Don't let yourself and your girlfriend be pushovers by letting others control your life. I can understand the not wanting to hurt or lose a friend part, but if that girl continues doing these things even after your girlfriend explained that this vacation is meant only for couples then she is not really a friend. So yeah, speak up and stop this.

[spartan55]

Your girlfriend is not setting boundaries with her friend and you are not out of line for feeling the way you do. If it comes down to it, tell the friend the trip is just for you and your girlfriend and be as polite as possible. Then I would have a serious discussion with your girlfriend about boundaries with that friend. I feel for ya man, but if I were you I'd have no problem playing bad cop.

[just_a_potato]

She needs to understand her relationship with your girlfriend, and your relationship with your girlfriend aren't the same thing and if she can't handle something as to letting you guys enjoy yourselves as a couple alone then, I don't know 😂

[bert4breakfast]

Grim.
Tell the mental friends it's a romantic getaway. You don't need to justify wanting to spend quality time with your partner.

People that have no perception of social stuff like this are the worst!

[Asker]

I think this girl knows, she just likes to put my girlfriend in a bad spot. Like, seriously how do you not feel awkward about asking to join a couple on their vacation? I wouldn’t dream of doing that!

[bert4breakfast]

I'd just be blunt. Get her to mention it around you, and just laugh in her face, and say "why would you come on our romantic getaway?"
Seems like the only weapon left is just to make her feel stupid!