Am I being selfish and self centered about not wanting my fiance's ex wife to celebrate with us or am I alright?

Question

My fiance wants to celebrate his daughter's 16th birthday together including his exwife. I'm not comfortable with it. I rather his daughter has two separate birthdays... one with her mom and one with us. I understand that they need to parent together but they dont need to gather together. I feel as if they need to start acting divorced. Is that selfish of me?

Brainsbeforebeauty · Accepted Answer

Turning 16 is a momentous moment in a young ladies life. If she wants to spend that day with both her parents, that's what's the most important. And I think it's awesome when two divorced parents put their personal problems aside for the sake of their children which is what parents are supposed to do! And doesn't happen nearly enough! When it does, that's something to be admired, not something that should be considered a problem. You need to think about this, because it's more than just her birthday...
Some day, she'll get married, and will want both her parents there... Or the birth of her child/ children. You either have to learn to get past your insecurities and realize that you have to learn to accept that there's going to be times that you will have to deal with his ex if you get married. If you can't, then you should get out before you get married.
One more thing though, there's so many exes that fight, cause drama, etc. Would you really rather deal with that kind of ex, and baby mama drama? A divorced parent comes as a package deal... I think you're fiance and his ex are commendable parents and it shows what a great dad he is... Which should make you love and respect him all the more!

Smoke-n-Growls · Accepted Answer

It's understandable, but yes, selfish.

It's the daughter's 16th birthday. She deserves to have all her parents there to celebrate in genuine good spirits - her biological father and mother, and her step-mother.

This has nothing to do with you, or her mother. This has everything to do with the daughter and giving her as fun and positive a 16th as you can. She only gets one of these.

They absolutely must gather together. They're divorced, not abandoning their child.

What did you think would happen, dating a man with a child from a previous marriage? That girl has every right to celebrate with her birth mother.

With how you've worded your post, it's clear you care about yourself monopolizing this man's time more than anything - that's a big red flag on your part.

I hope dad wises up.

BadMedicine95 · Accepted Answer

How does the daughter feel? If the parents are good with it and the daughter understands the circumstances, that's all that matters. This is a consequence of being with someone with kids. Their kids come first and the kids other parent's wellbeing and relationship with the kid is a part of that kid comes first thing. If the kid doesn't want two birthdays and the parents are okay with one birthday together, then that's the best thing to happen. If you can minimize the impact of the divorce on a child, you should take that route and that's what they've done. It's understandable to be uncomfortable with it, but try looking at this through the eyes of the other three people in this equation.

devilman666 · Accepted Answer

It is kind of selfish and self-centered of you to try to define what divorce should be like for everybody. I get that you want he ex-wife out of his life entirely for good, but if they are able to put their past behind themselves and focus on giving their daughter the best birthday ever, I think that's what really matters. Honestly though if you're still not convinced then just look at it through his daughters perspective, and not having to split your birthday in half so you can get some time with each parent. I imagine you and his daughter don't get along too well, since you are actively trying to be a wedge between her two biological parents.

MostlyOwain · Answer

Sometimes we have to swallow our selfish wants for the better of our loved ones, even when they don't have kids. The child is the most important person in this situation. If the child is on good terms with both parents, and wants to have a birthday with everyone, that's what should happen.

And I read that you told him you should separate because you're selfish and he said no to that reasoning? You're lucky to have a partner who believes you can be better tomorrow than you are today.

Anonymous · Answer

No not at all. It's your right to decide when you don't like something. Especially the ex wife. That's girl is 16 years old not an 8 year old who doesn't know what is appropriate. But you have to tolerate it and observe quietly that why the fuck his ex wife is being invited.
If it's only for one day and you see no subtle flirting or unnecessary nostalgia with your husband then it's harmless. But if there is plan to get her back then you will notice this reunion MORE FREQUENTLY.

Anonymous · Answer

yes it is selfish of you and really none of your damn business. you're not the parent in that situation they are so butt out. if any woman were to tell me what I can and can't do with my kid I had with my ex i'd tell them to go fuck themselves and kick their ass out to the curb.

mindNsoul · Answer

It is about that little lady more than it is about you. She wants to celebrate her birthday with her parents. Get over your feelings you knew he had a teen when you got with him. Also, don't make her feel that you're breaking her family further apart. Or got issues with her mom. They're already divorced but they're both her parents too.

MotherEarth2020 · Answer

Look this is about the daughter's birthday. Not yours

Does the daughter want her there?

Look I have a blended family and I have to deal with the ex to.

Better learn to deal with it. Because the ex will always be in the picture. Like it or not

MannMitAntworten · Answer

Sounds like this is a desire of his daughter. Better to not rock the boat. At least you are invited too. It could have just been a day for the three as the ex could have said she does not wish you their to her ex, your fiancé too. Maybe she did even and he told her to suck it up. Either way, it is the daughter’s day and no one else’s.

btbc92 · Answer

YES! What in the world is wrong with you? They have a daughter. Them being divorced doesn't give you automatic privileges. You are dating a divorcee. Being divorced doesn't mean you hate each other. Plus, your that young and he is that older than you to be having a 16-year-old? Says a lot right there. End this relationship. This is not even a relationship period, your too young for this guy.

Sweetener_ · Answer

I don't think selfish is the right word.
But I think you should be proud that they even suggested to celebrate your fiancé daughter birthday with you, imagine if they wanted to do it privately withouth you... That would definitely be sad.

I think you're also kind of insecure, this is definitely something you should talk about with your husband, it's okay to be open sometimes.

Dansnlawlipop · Answer

Yes.

That day is not about you. It's about your partners child.
You can suffer a few hours one day for your daughter-in-law and not have to deal with the ex after that.

Why is her coming a problem for you, though?

Anonymous · Answer

she's 16. Birthday parties can be separate. After my children's father and I split up, our birthday parties became separate and my kids like that better because they have 2 parties. You're not overreacting.

liburnia · Answer

They will never separate from their child. There will be many occasions when they will be together for their child: when she will get married when they become grandparents...
You better get used to that

Yanifah · Answer

Why are you uncomfortable with it? Let the daughter decide. It's her birthday and her parents.

sheikalana · Answer

If you don't feel comfortable around her you better say it. You don't want to ruin a celebration and a special day just because there's someone you don't vibe with.

JustinTheGreat · Answer

She wants to spend her day with her parents and I think you need to get over it tbh

Akachan · Answer

She's not your daughter, you don't get to choose how her party will be.

douride2 · Answer

Honestly I think you need to step back & grow up. Selfish is an understatement.

pleasestopthis · Answer

The young lady has the right to spend her birthday with her parents. Get over it or break up.

Anonymous · Answer

Yes it is. It's not your daughter so you don't get to decide how they celebrate her, it's up to him, his wife and their daughter.

satinsilk · Answer

If the daughter and father and mother are all on good terms and everyone is okay with it but you, you're just overly controlling.

Pegases · Answer

You are more than alright.

michael1469 · Answer

Selfish. Its the childs bday.

prakhindev92 · Answer

You are scared , she might steal him back

SuccessfulHornDog · Answer

How old are you?

Am I being selfish and self centered about not wanting my fiance's ex wife to celebrate with us or am I alright?

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