Was I worse than the guy who was a jerk to me?

[Anonymous]

My plan was to continue dating guys for weeks or months and then ditch them, never develop feelings for them, avoid serious topics, etc. I used to ghost some online guys after a while and even gave a false address and fake number. When someone in my family talked about true love, marriage, kids or even mentioned the word God... I dreaded it so much. I once said ''none of that stupidity exist, there is no such things''.

The reason why I acted that way:
From grade school all the way to 8th grade, those were the worst school years ever. My once innocent self that believed in fairy tales and loved babies turned cold. My crush (one of my few hopes) whom I thought was a nice person and I've adored for 2 years, mocked me in a brutal, harsh way in 9th grade. I ended up crying and he laughed. I used to dream about going on a romantic date, kissing, even losing my virginity to him, etc. He did apologized a week later but it was only because his best friend, his sister (whom I was friends with) and others gave him a harsh tongue lashing. Then he wanted a friendship, kept trying to befriend me several times. Screw that. Tables turned and this time I rejected him (said ''f you'') and from then on vowed to never fall in love ever.

My plan backfired. I caught feelings for someone and ended up ditching the other dates just to be with him. We're not boyfriend and girlfriend yet but it's starting to turn serious and this got me by surprise. For the first time ever, I do feel awful in what I was doing to innocent people. He doesn't know he was going to get played with before; not anymore though.

Was I worse than my former bullies and the jerk that humiliated me?

[williamHD]

Yes and no,


You were abused by someone going through reactive abuse it sounds like or something close to it and you suffered and cried for a long time. It took you years to cope. You are worse for using guys and throwing them away and most likely bullied them the same way he bullied you. Though I’m happy you finally caught yourself because you found someone you think is beautiful. I assume you pushed him away though due to your self sabotage nature. I would say continue healing and don’t lose contact with this guy hell maybe even give it a chance. I’m not saying he will take you back right away but write a real apology and explain the real reason you’ve been acting up. I’m talking several paragraphs maybe like 6 not like 1 small short text he will think your being a narc.


He makes you happy and him moving on and not choosing you will only kill you in the end and hurt you even more. Your punishing your heart for finding you someone that makes you feel alive again. Your heart noticed when it forced you to leave another guy for him which was definitely also not good but it was pushing you in the correct path. Now I’m kinda very spiritual so the world may be giving you signs to find him.


I’m here if you wanna talk though it is very late so I may reply tomorrow.

[TommyMountainFigure]

You were misguided, brought on by being treated badly. Better or worse is merely subjective.
The point is, you are growing up and realising that one person mistreating you doesn't mean you have to hate the world for it!

[Asker]

It's ironic that I'm experiencing what I've longed tried avoiding, what I didn't want to. I didn't expect to catch feelings and feel guilt for what I was doing to innocent people.

[TommyMountainFigure]

Making mistakes is all part of growing up. You can either waste your time making yourself feel guilty about it, or you can try teaching other people how wrong it is to take out anger on innocent people. One will consume you, the other will make you feel so much better. I chose the later as I grew up and haven't looked back since.

[TheOracle10]

yea

you manipulated many people because of the experiences you had with a single person.

[Asker]

In a way I really thought I was protecting myself from being hurt all over again. So in my mind, I was trying to avoid developing feelings and thinking cold.
In the end it didn't work when I caught feelings. I'm experiencing what I tried avoiding, what I've been hating for the longest.

[Anonymous]

Did you liked when those guys developed feelings for you before you left them?

[Asker]

I didn't like any until this recent one. I haven't felt guilt for the longest until now. I feel guilt for using innocent people.

[Asker]

I was trying to avoid catching feelings. It didn't work.

[Opinion Owner]

I was asking if you enjoyed when those guys you used got feelings for you?

[Asker]

Kind of. I enjoyed the attention and having the upperhand (just like when the way the jerk humiliated when he had the upperhand back then)... Feels sad.

[Opinion Owner]

What ar eyou going to do about this guy you like now?

[Asker]

Continue dating him and see how it goes.

[Opinion Owner]

Do that. And if it doesn't work out do that with all that come after him. No more playing like you were played.
You have no excuse for that now.