Do you ever find your spouse is more rigid than you? How do you deal with their seeming inability to cope with the changes life throws your way?

[GoldenAxer]

I'm also a go-with-the-flow type but my wife isn't. We're kind of opposites that way. I excel at improvising cheerfully when things don't go according to plan but I'm bad at making plans in the first place. She's the opposite and very good at planning but prone to become overwhelmed and stressed out if there's the slightest hurdle along the way that challenges her plans.

This might be trickier to pull as a woman to a man without bruising his ego but the ultimate way I comfort my wife in those situations is to give her a sense that I'll protect her from the worst. It's like she doesn't need to worry about the shit hitting the fan when things don't go according to plan because I make it known to her, in my own way, that I'll stand in front of the metaphorical fan and protect her from the flying shit.

That's the ultimate role of a leader as I see it is to protect those who follow even from their own ideas. They shouldn't have to worry about the consequences so much because I'll take responsibility for them and do my best to shield them from harm's way. This usually cheers her up. I just have to remind her when she gets overwhelmed when things aren't going the way she planned and hoped. She might not be able to count on me so often to come up with the best ideas and plans, but she can count on me to protect her from the consequences of even from hers when things aren't working out.

[Nightroads]

I'm the roll with the punches type, my wife is more the "if its not perfect why bother?" Type.

I always have to convince her to stay in the moment and not freeze up and step away. Guiding her through these moments and seeing her mood change for the better are the best moments i share with her.

Just always be there to roll with the punches along with him.

I don't have to tell you that seeing the differences and similarities between yourselves and knowing you are making it work and succeeding together is one of the best feeling in a relationship.

[meetkitty123]

Stand your ground and tell him you are done with the drama. My husband is slowly becoming like that due to his Illness. Honestly to avoid the fits It starts with me. I have to be able to sense it coming and see the clues. Now as soon as I see the first sign of it I say no.
I give my husband the raised eyebrow look that means quiet now and that I will deal with you later. Or in other words we will discuss this matter later but in present company we shall not.
I'm Stern and put my foot down but then later when it's just him and I I'm calm I'm loving and comforting I'm reassuring that everything will be all right.
Sometimes people who suffer with anxiety needs somebody to take charge of the situation that they feel they don't have control of. And then they need to be comforted. It may not seem like that because they're coming at you really angry but think about it as the cornered animal some will lay down shrink away but others lash out with claws and teeth and it looks like your husband is the one who comes out with the claws and teeth but what you're looking at is a form of nervousness fear. So you must take charge and then you must comfort the fear.

[TrueConfection]

I deal with the same issue. Now your workload just increased by 1 more (grown) child. It's super annoying and I used to try to remedy the problem while walking on eggshells. Now I just ignore and deal with the aftermath later (hopefully later). It can make an otherwise fun time stressful and I'm sorry. Take comfort knowing you're not alone.

[CrazyGirl2]

Well I’m 18, so I’ve never been married (even though I live in Florida) I know, weird, eh? But I was my neighborhood babysitter, and my ex was pretty uptight. I think your husband just feels overwhelmed at the prospect of one boy in the house becoming two, and now THREE! I think if you tell him, sweetly, something like “I promise, you don’t have to worry about a thing baby, you just relax, and I’ll watch the boys, and make sure everything is okay. The brother being here doesn’t have to ruin our evening. Maybe we could watch that movie you’ve been wanting to watch, but you didn’t think I would like it! That way no matter what, you’ll get to enjoy your movie, and you get to show me how wrong I was if I like it” then maybe throw in something like, “besides, we could make a romantic deal… if you don’t stress about the brother being here, I’ll give you a blowjob!”
then hold up your end of the deal. If you have to leave during the movie, to check on the kids, just tell him not to pause it unless he thinks you’re missing something important to the plot. And take care of everything! If the kids start acting up, just use B. F. Skinner’s “token society” method. Offer them each $5 if they can play quietly without disturbing Dad. I think if he realizes that it won’t ruin his night, he may feel more able to relax! Obviously, substitute whatever YOUR husband likes/wants to do, but give it a try… it can’t hurt, and who knows, you may end up having a great night together!

[exitseven]

What the hell is he gonna do if one of your kids gets a serious disease? Or one of your parents ends up in the hospital? In the general scheme of things this is just a blip. He probably will just watch television all night and you will be supervising the kids anyway.
I have a saying that I have used a lot in the last 20 years. I say "You just won't believe how fast things can go from bad to worse."
Things can be a whole lot worse real fast.
It is good the kids have friends. They could be outcasts like some kids are.
He is wrapped too tight.

[Apple1996]

Never experienced that with my hubby but it sounds annoying. He is the most go with the flow person on this planet and he literally doesn't stress about anything. I use to be slightly uptight about change but being a military wife I've learned how to deal with the constant changes being thrown at me so now I'd say I'm a pro with going with the flow. The things in life that are uncontrollable aren't ever worth stressing over since they cannot be controlled. Seems like your hubby needs to realize this too, maybe manage this stress and anxiety to be able to let go of this.

[nawtee_me]

Change and adaptation is how we grow. One more plate at the table and one more kid sleeping on the floor far a night doesn't sound like that much of a difference. However, changing up the plans midstream can catch people off guard. Approving one guest and two showing up might have one asking how did this happen? As a single father I remember doing as these kids mother did. "You can go if your brother goes too". It gave me a well needed break if they both went and if not then I did not have to deal with why does he get to go and I can't go to my friends house? ;) I have been on both sides of the coin and if you and your husband has too then maybe just a small reminder will help...

[kyleelyn199723]

Yes! I didn’t realize how strong I was with my anxiety until I really got to know my boyfriend. I am starting to realize that I do indeed need to be the stronger one. He got upset with me the other day because his head was hurting and I was starving and I made it seem like I didn’t care about his headache (I did but I was just hangry) . So basically I’m learning I do need to baby him a little bit more. He had a rough childhood and his anxiety stems from that and sometimes it bad. I feel so bad, but I can relate because I have anxiety but yeah. Slowly learning that I just need to be the stronger one even though from the outside he looks super tough

[SphynxUK]

I am actually the one who was very rigid during my marriage. Didn’t like surprises, changes of plans or anything unexpected. While he was relaxed.
Several years after we split I came to the shock conclusion that I was on the spectrum. That explained a lot. My aversion to change and always needing routine.
I’m not suggesting your husband also has ASD, but many people need to live without unexpected changes or else they become stressed and anxious. Maybe CBT can help him see why he gets so worked up about things that should otherwise be uncomplicated.

[J2ohhhhh]

Adapting the changes is one side of the coin adapting to things that cannot be changed is the other one. I myself quite good with uncertainties, but have a hard time to accapt that there are things cannot be changed to an extent that I truly believe that this is my lesson in this life. I mean we die one day we cannot change it, there are questions that we'll never get an answer for, there are people who'll never love us, and many things. Accepting things we cannot change such as your husband rigidity is key to contentment. It's like you cannot wear a winter coat in the middle of summer just because you like the style, it will get hot. A rigid person is more predictable and reliable, something that you probably looked for. So when you get annoyed think about it as the cost of the reliability you enjoy.

[InventorofWarp]

Unfortunately no, my relationship skills and experience are all nil but this does make me think about what kind of person I am:
I'm more of a laid back surprise-enjoying kind of person so spontaneity is fun for me and adjusting to it in turn so I guess I'd need to find someone like that or try and adjust a little.

[snackthatsmilesback]

Well I don't know too much about that but I know a couple things that helped us before. As the more tightly wound person I'd recommend:

1. Make sure it's not being aggravated by hunger/ tired/ pain/ etc (if that can be helped; ie take a nap or eat a snack. Sometimes that's not an option though, in which case just realize its happening and decide to stop it).
2. Make a list. Much easier (visually/mentally, for me) to add a few more things on to a list than to readjust everything as we go in my head. More clear. More controllable.

If he's already tried these though, or they don't help, I don't know what else to recommend. Good luck to you both and I hope he gets over it.

[jennifer_bloom]

You could try to cook only cheap foods while they are there and see if that makes your husband happier about the situation, Kraft cheese with saltine crackers are delicious and cheap and so is peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, chips are also cheap or cheetos etc… You could also try to cheer him up by saying that after the two boys leave, you will allow him to have his guy friends over as a thank you gift etc…

[JustinTimberlegs]

Remind him to take a moment and breathe, see if he can acknowledge any positives in the situation without stressing out about it. Actually reflect on the situation instead of just reacting to it.

If he can't do that yet then maybe practice some meditation, even just 5 minutes a day to calm his mind.

[bowenw]

He may cope better if you try to limit surprises or wherever possible get him involved in the process so he can engineer it and not get upset or blame you when things go awry. Engineers are great at compensating for the unexpected, like making a bridge 10 times stronger than it needs to be, so making him aware of what could possibly go wrong or change upfront could help him.

[Alexalex92]

Hmm I don't know.. maybe you should be more dominant and have a good communication with your husband but he have to be relaxed. Your son's friend his parents are divorced so his brother is coming too, so if they are good boys and don't cause troubles, why your husband don't like it?

[OlderAndWiser]

For you: Learn to accommodate - to some extent - his need for advance knowledge and planning.

For him: Macallan 15 year old Scotch.

[Jamie05rhs]

Some people just don't like last-minute surprises. I can relate.
Just be gentle with him and try to persuade him that it will be okay. The main thing you don't want to do is just force him to accept the amended plans and make him feel trapped or helpless.

[whatsthereinname]

The only rational advice is

Go with the flow with this too

Things will happen, will develop frustration, will end up in quarrels at times

But you make up and comes back to normal

Will the next conflict

So as you said

Go with the flow, ignore the frictions

[t-8900]

Not nothing a blunt and a dirty martini can't fix! Relax I'm just joking... about the blunt. Would love a dirty martini right now though 🤭

[DonkeyDan]

Oh yeah, I'm like you, just go with the flow, but my ex was a bit of a control freak, and change was a nightmare for her, which in turn made it a nightmare for me. Never did manage to crack that one, one of the many reasons we're divorced.

[humanearth]

Welcome to my world. Im like you and my wife is like you hubby.

LOL "Frustrating, Isn't It?"

[worldscolide]

It happens all the time. Its part of her having Asperger's, I knew what i signed up for..

[loveslongnails]

My SO follows the rules. I follow the ones I think make sense. LOL

[monkeynutts]

Tell him to shut the fuck up and bake those cookies.

[crazysassypaws21]

i dont get it to me it would be cool and i ocd so sorry I don't know something to say

[Charliefretz329]

I haven’t a clue. I just try to speak calmly and assure her it’s ok…

[Starman5]

you have to be calm. You don't have to be angry. every problem can be solved

[OnTheLevel]

I tend to be the less flexible one.

[Shamiah02]

No spouse 🤷🏽‍♀️

[msc545]

Relax!