Why won't he invite me to family events?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, we are both in our early 20's, live with our parents and our the same race/religion. My family loves him and he is always at my house and at family events. I have been introduced to his parents and seen them a few times but I have never had dinner with them or spent time with them. I know all his friends, they are my friends now too and I have met his younger siblings and most of his cousins, but he will never invite me to family events where there are adults. When I ask my boyfriend why he NEVER invites me (we have had MANY talks about this) he just says that he isn't the type to take a girl home, and he is slowly trying. I have asked him if he is ashamed of me and he says no, I have also asked him if his parents like me, and he says yes. He didn't invite me to his own birthday with family but invited his guy friends because "there like his family". I don't want to push him too far because he broke up with me once over this issue(one and only time we broke up), but its getting to the point where I might break up with him because its so hurtful not being invited after this long. I'm not his first gf, he has introduced his parents to the previous girlfriend at his birthday party. I don't know why he won't invite me around parents and relatives when I always invite him around mine. this is going to be really difficult especially around the holiday season.

[WeaponZero]

A lot of people who are going to respond to this question are going to tell you it's because there's something for you to be suspicious of, maybe he's cheating, or something else, and that is a strong possibility. But I'm going to present you with a different possibility, one that you may not be seeing, and one that a lot of people may be seeing.

I come from a family with a lot of drama. My mother is depressed and has been in and out of mental institutions as well as normal hospitals for her lung problems since I was a child, and she's been single ever since she and my father divorced when I was 3. My father goes through girlfriends like most people go through toilet paper, and now he's married to a second wife but their marriage is already failing. My sister is married to an abusive, druggie husband, and has two kids. I don't want my girlfriends getting involved in my family issues. I want them staying far away from her, and I want her staying far away from them. In fact, I don't even tell my family when I do have a girlfriend because I don't want them getting involved in my personal life. Going to holiday dinners with them isn't an enjoyable experience. It's a case of "going through the motions" which usually ends up with people getting drunk and fights breaking out between my father and my sister's husband.

Part of me fears that if my girlfriend (if I did have one) got involved with them, their ugliness and their dysfunctionality would spread to her. Sounds stupid, I know, but that's the truth. In fact, one day I plan on moving to another state where I don't have any relatives. When (and if) I start a family of my own, I don't want it to be an extension of my family. I want it to be something new, something different, something SEPERATE.

Honestly, I'd rather my girlfriend not even know I had a family.

As bad as it sounds, it's how I feel, and your boyfriend's situation might be similar. And if that is the case, then what he wants and needs is not a "traditional" relationship where you and his family and the both of your families intermingle. He wants to keep everything seperate, because it's not YOU he's ashamed of, it's his family.

[Talbot]

Stop inviting him to your family functions when he asks why just tell him if your not good enough for him to take you to his family functions why should you bring him to yours. He needs to respect you enough to take you to his family functions it doesn't make sense not to. He said his parents liked you so you could just talk to his mom and get to know her if the mom is on your side it will make things easier lol and she could tell him to invite you over.

[Crazy2]

I feel for you, I was in a similar situation and thought the guy was ashamed of me, only to discover his divorce was not final and that's not why I was included.not sure that is the best example, but relationships do require give/take and respect. My Boyfriend does not hold my hand walking into estalishments but sits next to me in a booth so we can be close and holds my hands in the movies and is very affectionate in other ways. I respect his level of comfort even though it bothered me a bit. Not including you in a family event where you have already met everyone anyway and he includes his friends is not good. To break up with you over that is shoddy. If you are in a relationship you have every reason to expect to be a part of those types of events. I suspect that maybe he has pressure from parents to not be serious with a girl or somethign else like that, but not personal against you. He realy needs to make a decision whether he is going to be in a relationship with you or not. You need to be with someone who is not afraid to share their life with you period.

[Sleepdancer92]

Drama or not he should still invite you. If drama were to arise you both can easily leave they won't know who you are or anything if they get an invite if you got married. One day those people will be your family and you going to want to know them to an extent. If you have kids those kids will want to know what family their dad has and if he won't even share it with. what's
to say he won't share it with his kids.

Have a talk with him again about it. He needs a vaild reason and not just I'm not the type. You been together for 2 Years it's more then enough time to grow a pair of balls and bring you around. Ask how he would feel if you left him out of important family events. I bet he wouldn't feel so great. (can always be mean and leave him out of the loop on a major event)

I get where he's coming from but if he expects any kind of relationship with you, and a future he would bring you around his family no matter how crazy they were.

[Simple-Simonette]

After being together for two years, I would also question why I wasn't welcome at family functions. It couldn't be that he was ashamed of you, not if you were introduced to his friends and extended family. One thing it can be is you might have offended his parents in some way and he is too embarrassed to tell you.

Could it be that you guys are sexually active and his parents wouldn't approve of that because you aren't married or engaged? I know that my husband's grandmother would not allow me to attend all family functions because we were not "legal". If it is something you've broken up about, I'm sure he will never tell you.

It's sad that this is something that will come between you two, but I understand the hurt of being excluded. It sounds like you've exhausted all options, what else can you do but leave him or live with it?

It's a tough situation, good luck.

[sweeterthansuga]

maybe he's just embarrassed of his family and is ashamed,ed of them, not you. being around your so much might make him feel like his isn't anything like yours and if your around all of him they might freak you out of maybe be mien and offend you and he wants to protect you. this is a bit why it's hard for me to invite my boyfriend to my family events.