Do I owe it to my mother to talk to her?

Question

So my mom cheated on my dad when I was in junior high. My brother was 14 and I was 12. She cheated with her boss and left our dad for him. My brother and I both think she did it because the guy is rich.

Anyway we both stopped talking to her completely. She used to have us to their house but it was always awkward and filled with anger on our parts. We lashed out a lot at her and there were ugly scenes. I haven’t spoken to her in over three years, my brother even longer than that. I just don’t respect her at all and don’t care about her new life and any of that.

Anyway my grandmother on her side at my aunts and uncles always tell me that we’re wrong for being so disrespectful to her. My brother and I both feel like she chose her life and we made I clear to her if she picked that man over us we were done with her.

AmandaYVR · Accepted Answer

This is a very challenging situation and I'm not going to say claim that there is one answer or one way to navigate this. It's entirely up to you and your brother.

But here's what I would advise...

You have one mother, and there are no replacements. Sometimes there is a grandmother, a step-mother, aunt, friend, etc., but there's only one mother. (As with all other familial relationships.) I think you are doing not only her, but yourself a disservice by writing her off so completely.

One of the elements of this that should be taken into account is that she ended up with this man. That means they love each other, which means that this was not some meaningless fling. She might have been influenced by his wealth. And she has most certainly been the cause of a lot of hardship and heartbreak with you, your brother, and your dad. But as you get older, and experience more and more life, you will come to realize, and understand, that everyone will eventually disappoint you, and everyone makes mistakes, or makes decisions, and judgment calls, that you will not like or agree with. "But she ruined my family," you might say. That is true, in some regard. But have you also considered all the millions of people who have said, "I wish my parents had just got a divorce when I was a kid. They put us all through so much angst and pain and frustration, and honestly, we would have all been better off if they separated and each had their own life." I've heard this just as many times as I've heard someone talking about how upset they were their parents didn't stay together.

One of the things about growing up is learning forgiveness. You do not have to forgive her in all ways, for everything she's ever done; but no one's family is perfect. Because no human is perfect. The ones who often seem closer to that, actually are often very good at keeping their secrets. Some parents lie to their kids, and keep them out of the loop, basically forever. Because to them, that person will always be their child, no matter how old they get. Some of those adult children grow up knowing this, and it is also something that undermines their trust in people. "You don't think I'm mature or good enough to handle it?"

Base your decision on how much involvement you have with your mother today, not just on this one incident, but on the entirety of your relationship with her. The whole 23 years. Did she speak honestly with you about what she did, and why? Did she express understanding in what it meant to you and your family, and did you also try to understand that no one wants to live a life of unhappiness, discontentment, when they saw a glimpse of another life that they thought would make them happier? Did she abandon you, or did she just prioritize herself? There's a difference. Neither is great, but one is definitely a lesser sin.

Before you get your back up, and think I just don't understand... I do understand. My mother did the same thing. And I always thought she chose poorly, wrongly. I was angry at the new man, most of all, but it wasn't for many years that I found out exactly why my parents divorced. As a teenager, my anger intensified toward her. And the three of us didn't get along until I moved out, went out on my own. I kept in touch, visited sometimes, but I began my own independent life. And that was very, very, necessary. I didn't like any of their choices. I had my own values, preferences, and ideas about life and how to live. Her breaking up the family was not the key for me. It was who she chose, and how she lived after that. I have many, many, reasons to be angry, trust me.

But at some point, I had to stop being mad at her, and accept her decisions. And 25 years later, what did she do? She did it again, chose another man. And this time, it was an even worse decision in many ways. And it caused massive issues between us again. But I had to let that one go as well. Because she couldn't bare to live a life without me in her life, apparently. But I always felt she chose the men, over me and my sister. Ultimately, I believe that's the truth. But cutting her out of my life would have achieved nothing. I was often frustrated, often felt I didn't live up to what she wanted, and as much as she loved me I felt inadequate to handle her. Her eccentricities and our differences just got more and more divisive. But had I cut her out of my life, I would feel even worse today.

Ria_300 · Accepted Answer

Well I can understand why you feel like that actually I have a similar scenerio but my mom is way more shitty and her boyfriend too. Either way just bc she found someone else shouldn't be a reason to stop talking to ur parents ofc if they ever showed some kind of care for you. Ofc it was shitty of her to cheat and I know that affects you and many parents don't realize that but if she wasn't happy with ur dad why bother beating around the bush? I personally think you should at least give her a chance I don't know your mother and how she has treated you but keep in mind if she loves you she will hear what you got to say and if not that's also okay.. it hurts yes but you don't need anyone to be happy and you always gotta stay strong and independent hope you figure things out tho it's a shame to have family break apart over stuff like that 😕

USLegionary · Accepted Answer

You are perfectly entitled to feel whatever way you do. She put some guy ahead of you and your family. She hurt and humiliated your father and likely has no remorse for any of it. I would feel the same if my mother had done that to my father. Your mother planned this out but she never planned for you guys turning your back on her. Your mother's family will always be in her side

Mynameisbobby · Accepted Answer

No you don't. I hear so many people tell me that I should respect my mother just because she's my mother. Why should I if she doesn't respect me? Obviously your mother doesn't respect your dad, you and your brother. Respect is earned 💯 Yes people make mistakes, but once they break that trust it's never easy to trust them again. You owe her nothing.

Summeroflove · Answer

Yeah I am sorry about that messed up situations. Learn from this. Yeah I think you should be honest about how you feel. Some people care about themselves and don't' care about who they hurt.

I am going through a lot myself but I won't go into details. There is a lot of stuff I feel like I should say that would only make someone angry with me.

It sounds like a really fucked up situation and your parents have put you in a bad situation that you don't deserve to be in by their bad choices.

cheeky_starfish · Answer

Maybe it would be worth talking with her to find out exactly why she left your father for this other guy. Maybe she had her reasons that you were both too young to understand. Maybe she only ever intended to leave your father and not you and your brother. Maybe she needs to understand exactly how all of this made you both feel. If you can have a civilised discussion with her, calmly, then maybe a conversation will help you both to understand each other’s side a little better. It may not resolve the situation completely, or at all, but at least you might be able to get some feelings off your chest and allow you both to understand what went on a little better. I think this may be one of those situations where your gut instinct tells you what you feel you need to do, and I hope your conversation goes well if you choose this 🙂

Sparkie460 · Answer

Personally I would feel the same way you do. She chose him over her family. If her and your dad divorced first then she went out with her boss things might be different between you. She deserted you and your brother when you really needed a mom. I don't think you owe her anything. If anything, she owes you and your brother an apology

nawtee_me · Answer

So it had been over 10 years now right? I think the time has come to talk to her and tell her how you really feel about the whole situation. You are grown now so let her know and listen to what she has to say as well. It is time for all of you to clear the air and get things off your chest. Then moving on will be a lot easier...

Static_In_The_Attic · Answer

Your mother is your mother & in this case you don’t owe her anything.

dustybiker · Answer

She chose to leave you. That is on her to repair, not you.

Guy13 · Answer

Do what you need to do. Age, experience, and time will bring maturity and change. 🤷🏻‍♂️

Noodle_fan · Answer

lol no , tell your grandma , aunt and uncle that it is your mom who disrespect you , your brother and your dad with her infidelity , not the vice versa , dont let them gaslight you

In_Trance · Answer

You owe it to yourself

Do I owe it to my mother to talk to her?

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