I’m a 19 y/o female and I still live at home. I have 3 younger siblings and mother with a chronic illness.
For the last 5 years I have found increasingly stressful to live at home but I’m not in the financial situation to move out. My mother and I have a rocky relationship and when she is overwhelmed she projects that. I go to university full time and I work casually as a support worker and a peer assistant tutor for the university. When I dont have work I try to pick up my siblings from school. I babysit whenever they need me to. Instead of contributing to rent ( I tried to offer when my mum said I was just apparently scabbing off them and that I’m taking advantage and then she told me that I was trying to guilt trip her) I do bookkeeping and administration for my dads business. I vacuum, hang washing, help out where I can, clean dishes etc. when I don’t work an afternoon shift. I pay for my own car and petrol, i don’t ask them for money and if they need me to go get stuff shopping I pay for it myself.
She constantly tells me I am taking advantage of them and leaving her to rot and if I helped out more then life would be easier. Some days she will be fine and the next she will blow up screaming about how I’m selfish and how I can do everything myself. She starts crying and says that she is living ground hog day and that we just watch her and that this is why she cut all her family out.
She says I have no idea what her life is like and at least I get paid to work and how hard it is for her. It’s super stressful and I feel like nothing is ever good enough. If I show any emotion of being upset at her screaming at me she tells me I’m selfish bitch and that I’m making it about myself and trying to make her feel bad. Dad said we just need to make life easier and just cop it. I feel like I can’t communicate with her because it just gets taken out of context and she just loses it more.
I don’t know what to do anymore..
I’ve tried casually talking about moving out in the next year or two but my parents say why would you want to move out you can just pay rent here if you want to leave so badly. I say it’s more just for independence and they say I wouldn’t be able to afford it.
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It sounds to me (not a professional psychologist, so grain of salt) like your mother is suffering from some sort of mental break or episode, and depending on her age and genetics, may be suffering from early onset dementia. Having a chronic illness likely isn't helping any mental degradation that is happening either.
Your father's attitude isn't much healthier, but his mindset of 'just deal with it' implies he either has accepted things for the way they are (not good for you or your siblings) or believes that things won't be like this forever (implying your mother won't be there for very long, either passing or being moved to care facility) but either case you need to go.
I myself will never understand the mindset of using children as income; yes, free labor around the house, but if they're able to work a taxable wage that's their money. The fact that they would even suggest you paying rent shows where you stand in their eyes; they aren't interested in seeing you grow and thrive in your own life. They want you here at the nest making their life easier.
I absolutely agree that you need to leave, and the sooner the better; it would appear that you've learned all you can from your parents so that part of your life is over. It's time for your life. I know you said finances for you are tight and there are no get-rich-quick schemes. There's no easy or fast path forward either. My best bet would be to get together with a trusted friend or friends and try to get an apartment as roommates, that way your financial burden is lessened and you'll get a crash course in the basics, most of which I think you already know.
Something else to consider, if you haven't already: you've got 3 more sets of eyes on you, watching the way you handle all of this. Were you to stay and pay them rent, suffering silently, they would feel pressure to do the same. They would also be just as miserable as you, and may even resent you, for not being honest with them and showing them that this is not the path to a happy life. Even more, should you strike our on your own, your place can be their island from the chaos and give them a jumping off point to source their own destiny from.
The cycle you're involved in does not have to repeat itself.