my sister and her husband are divorced and she's depressed. That's why my parents want she to live with me for a while, but I don't want that. Because:
-Her economic strength is not enough to live an independent life. A short stay can turn into a permanent visitor but I am happy to live alone.
-We're very opposite characters so I'm sure we're going to argue and she'll think I'm arguing on purpose to get her out of my house.
-Since she is very unhappy, she will tell me every day about her problems with her ex-husband and I don't want to listen to them.
-I am a positive person who is interested in meditation and I don't want my sister to bring depression into my house.
Long story short, I'm seeing a shit storm approaching. I think I'm right in my reasons for not wanting her, but my parents are constantly manipulating me into being a bad sister. Do you think I am right?
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Not at all. Here is the thing. Let’s pretend hypothetically for a second that a family member is a massive drug user. You wouldn’t enable that behavior by giving them more drugs. You’d love and care about them enough to help them get back on their feet. There is a difference between enabling someone’s behavior, and supporting them and loving them enough to set healthy boundaries.
You’ve given many reasons why letting her live with you would be enabling her as opposed to supporting her. And every single one is legitimate. Setting those boundaries is actually really healthy. In life we all need to forge our own path. It’s actually really unhealthy to enable someone’s bad behavior.
For how to move forward if I were you. I’d definitely hold firm about her not living with you. But I’d also think of ways to support her. That doesn’t mean allowing her to talk about her ex with you. That doesn’t mean letting her use you or enabling her. But doing things that could help her. Working to research job opportunities for her and sending those to her. Maybe finding a good therapist that she could see. Etc. Helping to support her instead of enabling.
Finally. As for your parents. I’d sit down and explain basically just that. That you’re gonna be an amazing sister by supporting her, while setting healthy boundaries and limits. That her living with you would be enabling her to continue to suffer. And tell them that you don’t want to see her suffer. And that you want to see her get better.
Either they’ll recognize that. (Every parents goal should be to have their kids be self sufficient). Or they won’t. And you have to recognize and be ok with that.
You are not a bad sister at all.
This explanation is very good for me, thank you.
Unfortunately, my family ignores me when they think too much about my sister. He's very emotional and my parents always treat him like a baby, he's gotten so used to my family's support that he's never been a responsible person in his life. That's why her marriage ended in failure. And my parents always ask me to do something for him, and because I don't they always accuse me of being a bad sibling with weak family ties. I started to stay away from them because I was always blamed, but this time they say we are right that your family ties are weak, you don't even come to us. Really I do not know how to deal with it...
Your family ties aren’t weak. You just have to hold firm. It’s really tough to lose your family like this. But you have to do what is best for yourself. Your parents are simply wrong here. That’s all there is to it.
I don't think you're in the wrong. Taking on someone with mental health issues is a tough job and you shouldn't be forced to do it if you're not up for it.
If i read right, you're willing to visit her and provide support and honestly that should be good enough. Sometimes bad things happen to people and we shouldn't be expected to change our whole lives to accomodate them. Its great if people choose to but no one should be compelled or manipulated into it. Also especially if the Pilar opposite thing is true and you're likely to fight, that won't be good for her depression either so staying with you isn't a good idea.
Stand firm on your boundaries and say you're willing to support her emotionally but not shift your whole life to accomodate her.
Why are you tolerating such behavior?
I tell them everything but they still find me wrong, they claim that I am not interested in my family. they always talk accusatory to me and that's why i stay away from them but this time they say they are right that my family ties are weak.
Wow, that is one toxic environment.
my sister has always been very emotional and my parents always treat her like a baby so she hasn't been a responsible person. And now you can see why she has no financial freedom and is unsuccessful in her marriage...
I feel sorry for her.