How would you react if your teen announced a pregnancy?

[BlackCat999]

I am in no way a parent but as a 28 yr old I may become one. My partner and I have different views about a subject and I wonder if I am the one being unreasonable. All of this started with a conversation about allowing your teens to bring home partners (and I mean allowing the child to bring them in their room). I would not allow my kid to do this and explained that most kids have a very immature view of sex. I would not want my child falling pregnant, obviously and being alone in a room with someone you love is leading a lot of times to sex.

My partner then was shocked and asked if I'd not allow them to come home. I said they could come home but I'd do this unwillingly, still, I rather they come home than go in shady places. I don't believe most kids are mature enough to understand the meaning of sex and what it can lead to. He asked if I'd accept that my kid fell pregnant and I mentioned that I would not and clearly I'd be irritated. Nevertheless, if this happened, I would expect my child to take full responsibility for their child. And this got my partner angry and he told me that it's a good thing he didn't have a mother like me. I felt judged and I got angry. My opinion is legitimate. He asked if I would help with the child, I answered no.

I meant that I'd probably help as a grandmother (being a nanny and caring a few times now and then) but he should understand that it's normal that I'd not want to have to take the responsibility of raising another child (financially and emotionally by having to parent this baby). I'd be pissed because I'd have to take from my time and energy to raise and care not only for my teens but then my grandkids too. I understand why but it's not my role as a granny. Was I being unreasonable?

I get having to be empathetic but kids also need structure, discipline and guidance. A grandchild is first the parents responsibility then granny's are just there to make them feel loved.

[WaterIsland]

Let’s back up here for a second. Both of you need to take a deep breath and work to communicate a bit better. Not once in your question did you say what he believes or how he’d handle it. Did you ask him how he’d react? Did you listen to what he said? Maybe there is a middle ground or mutual understanding you can come to.



It seems like you are really in fighting mode. I get it’s emotional since you said you both got angry. But the title of your question indicates that you’re looking for people who agree with you to justify your opinion. There are gonna be people who agree and disagree with you here. That isn’t the point and won’t help you at all in this situation. How I (or anyone else) would react is irrelevant here.


You need to take a step back, and talk to each other with an open mind. Neither of your opinions are wrong or bad. It’s just different opinions. But you have to listen to him, and he needs to listen to you. And you have to work to find common ground. Or accept that this is an issue that you disagree with and be willing to accept that.


In every relationship there is something you’re gonna disagree about. In those situations you have to listen, be respectful, communicate, and ask questions. And if you can’t come to common ground, then you have to decide if it’s something you can accept and live with, or if it’s a deal breaker.


To be clear. Your opinion isn’t wrong. His opinion isn’t wrong. And I truly hope you can work to communicate better. You truly got this! It really sounds like a disagreement and argument. And those are things that you can work through.

[WaterIsland]

One more thing I forgot to say. It’s normal to get angry and heated in these conversations. I understand you felt judged and hurt. That is completely fair. I don’t wanna be dismissive of that feeling because it’s fair and legitimate. I hope eventually he is able to recognize that too and apologize. It’s not easy to do that in the heat of the moment tho. I’m sorry he said that to you tho.

[BlackCat999]

Thanks for your answer and you are right. We do need to learn how to communicate better. Due to lack of space on the app (and not wanting to make him seem like a A-hole) I tried focusing more on myself. Wondering if I should change opinion. I did ask him the questions you mentioned and he says that he would be accepting of the situation and would not be worried if his child went to their room with a partner. He would be very supportive. We both would be but I would be more resentful about it and, yeah, would try being as involved as a Granny should normally be.

At first I wasn't angry at all, I was just sharing my point of view on a subject that's kind of important. It's when I shared my opinion and he said that he's happy he wasn't raised by me and he started getting angry because of my opinion that I got angry and felt invalidated. As if, I was being a bad person for thinking about myself and as well the future of my child who probably as a teen has not managed to accomplish much in life yet.

The recurring issue between us is that whenever I have an opposite view from him, he feels like I am against him, he gets defensive and agressive. Instead of listening, he asks questions and when I start answering he cuts me off and doesn't really do an effort to understand what I say. He automatically falls in "judgment" mode and this triggers me.

[BlackCat999]

I forgot to add, I don't think I was judgmental of his point of view and I did listen to him as he shared his point of view.

As a matter of fact, I do understand where he is coming from. For him, you can be mature as a teen and for me, looking back on myself (and from what many friends have shared) as a teen I don't believe you're as mature as you think you are.

So, even if my kid felt that they are mature enough to have sex, I'd rather they wait until they are grown to actually get there and it's not about legal age of consent. It's about the mindset of the child. And for him, it's more about legal age of consent than the actual mindset.

[WaterIsland]

What you just said, is amazing. I’d say exactly what you just said to him. A good person should listen as much as they talk and be receptive to hearing others. If he isn’t, and you’ve communicated to the best of your ability, you’ll have to ask yourself if you can move on, or if it’s a dealbreaker. But you clearly have the ability to communicate very well. Since you just did.

The only thing I’d add, is make it clear from the start that your goal is to communicate in a healthy manner and to understand each other better. And that involves listening and understanding each other. I think you know this, but it’s important that he goes into it with that mindset. Otherwise you expressing your feelings will could come across at criticism, when in reality all you want is for him to understand your feelings. There is a difference and it’s easy for people to get those two mixed up. So I’d just make sure that point is clear.

Really wish you the best of luck! I hope it goes well.

[SnowedIn]

There's a lot that follows this but the basics are really what's important.

First, a hug.

Second, tell them, "I love you -- this doesn't in any way change that."

Third, tell them, "I [we] support you and are here to help you."

Everything else is secondary.

*****

As for bringing their partner home: here's the thing (and @Apple1996 nailed it) -- they are going to have sex. They're going to make that decision. I agree with you that in most cases teens don't have the full picture and/or their hormones are making the decisions. BUT. That's what they decide. I'd rather they have sex in my house than in a car or an alley or a dirty place somewhere, etc. I'm not telling them that they should go have sex, but if they're insistent on it, I'll make sure there's a safe place.

The thing is, lead up to this by constant discussions. When they hit puberty, sex shouldn't be some mystery and it's the first time they hear about it. I want them fully knowledgeable and fully educated LONG before puberty hits. I want them to understand that sex is available to them and that their body will want it and their mind will think it wants it and that they will be faced with that decision and to think rationally about it. Or as rationally as they can.

But if it comes down to it and they make the decision, then safe at home is better than somewhere else.

*****

All that said, I don't think you're being unreasonable. I haven't done things, I think, with my kids 100% like you will one day with yours, but each parent is different and each child is different. You're not unreasonable. :)

[Anonymous]

I used to have much stronger views on this but having talked to some teen parents, I think the idea of my reaction has changed. Teens in that situation are frightened and scared and nervous and don't know what to do next. They lean on the people in their lives whom they depend on, their parents to help be a port in the storm of what they are going through. While I fully understand that you feel it's not your job to raise your grandchildren or to provide for them, I think there has to be a middle ground with that because the baby should not be "a punishment." They are human beings who didn't have a choice to be in their situation with a young mother/father who may not know what they are doing. I think giving them grace while emphasizing they now need to do real big boy/girl things like get a job, find insurance, get a car on their own, etc. is what's needed, but to each their own.

[BlackCat999]

Thanks for your input. I totally agree with you. I had limited characters space so didn't go much into detail but what you said is what I wanted to explain to my partner.
As a parent, I would do my most to help avoid my child getting pregnant. And if this has to pass by installing ground rules (no boyfriends in their room) then I will do it. My boyfriend didn't agree with that as he felt like I'd be limiting the freedom of the child.

If they did fall pregnant despite these efforts, then I'd have the right to feel upset but in no means I'd punish my child or my grandchild. I would participate in giving a helping hand as long as it doesn't become my role as the primary caregiver for the baby. The teen will have to be an involved parent because I fear they'd grown up to not take any accountability for their actions. As well as feeling entitled.

This means sacrificing hanging around with friends to be home tending to their baby after school for example or actively participating in activities to better his future (part time jobs or trainings for example as you mentioned)

I get that it's a lot to ask a kid but, these are the responsities that comes with being a parent. And before my kid made a kid, I hoped that I'd have helped them understand that. My boyfriend thinks that I want to prevent them from having intimacy and all but really, it's just guiding them to wait until they really mature and understand the implications of sex and bringing a new life in this world. Especially for young girls who many times end up being the sole parent figure in these situations. Men often feel more freedom to abandon their role for some reason... That's another subject. Overall, you and I share the same point of view.

I just feel like it's not easy raising kids and I feel like my boyfriend is more like: give them freedom to try and accidents happen, it's okay if they expect a baby and they're just 15. Ride with the moment as Id it's not an important situation.

[APrettyLittleLady87]

@blackcat999

Instead of blithering about if your child is going to be having sex at home - because they'll be having sex wherever they can as a teenager - why not do something that's actually useful and educate them about birth control, the rigors of pregnancy, the problems - lack of education, good jobs, etc. - that comes with being pregnant young.

Most teens have children because their parents didn't care. Did not educate them.

And then when the teen said "guess what mum & dad I'm pregnant" many parents take on some of the responsibility of the teen's child out of guilt for fucking up on something so basic as educating child on the fact that teen pregnancy isn't exactly a good idea.

[APrettyLittleLady87]

"I would not allow my kid to do this and explained that most kids have a very immature view of sex. "

What's immature is not allowing your child to come home and have sex. It is FAR SAFER and far less demeaning / degrading for your child to have sex at home than in the car, in some dark alleyway or some shitty motel because they can't afford or get any better.

Again if you're worried about pregnancy EDUCATE them on the risks, the means to avoid, etc.

[ObscuredBeyond]

I'd definitely ask both kids to interview if they can one successful young married couple and at least one individual who's a total train wreck. And to then look at who's young and has a business startup. Once they have a greater grasp of the logistics of marriage, and understand what a crapshoot the modern romantic methodology is, they'll want to listen more to logistics and faith, and less to hormones and impulse.

That way, they'll dispel a lot of notions of what love and sex are about from a romantic worldview, and ask themselves if they're really mature enough to be married. And if not, then they'll know that sex isn't right for them either.

That'd be if I were ever to have kids in the first place. It's almost too late for that now. Even the girl I wanted most recently wound up choosing someone else. I don't have any backup options anymore.

[Telekinetic-Potato]

I would be so conflicted. On one hand that's my kid and I don't want to do anything to harm them, but on the other if the guy is a loser I would be livid that his DNA is inside my daughter.

Of course were going to help take care of the kid. It's still my family's blood in there. That would be my grandson lol why would I not do everything I can?

I think I would challenge the guy to 5 championship rounds in the octagon and if he lasts till the end then I maybe I would respect him enough not to interfere with their relationship.

[Anonymous]

Currently dealing with this.
My 15 year old son got his 16 year old girlfriend preggy. 4 months now.

Were they allowed to sleep together at home? Her parents no, they never liked him anyway. Myself? Since when a parent saying no prevented such a thing?

FYI, they’re more than welcomed to do it at my home for as long as it doesn’t disturb anyone else in the house. A box of condom is always available and he’s free to bring home a girlfriend, friends with benefits or one nighter and I’ve encouraged him to bring her home for the absolute simple reason that it’s the safest place for it to happen. How he got his girlfriend pregnant? She sneaked him into her parents house when they were out of town and they told her never to bring him to their house. Guess a condom wasn’t worn either because it wasn’t available or she told him one wasn’t needed.

Now? She lives with us in my basement as her parents kicked her out. On my expenses obviously.

[BlackCat999]

Well, thanks a lot for sharing your experience. A lot of comments are helping me review my opinion and maybe be a little bit more open minded about it. I don't know, I guess it feel just... Weird allowing something like that.

But kicking the kid out isn't a solution, clearly. How did you react when you got the news and what's changed since learning about this?

[Opinion Owner]

Have to live with times.

What’s changed? He’s still my son and always will be so nothing changes.

I suppose what’s changed is some things he wants to do I do tell him he needs to reconsider as I won’t be taking care of him and his girlfriend + baby forever.

[APrettyLittleLady87]

@BlackCat999 - you don't want your kids to have sex at the house where they would be SAFE you're far more comfortable of them having demeaning / degrading sex in the car, a shitty hotel, or even a dark alleyway because they are teenagers and it's not like they're rolling in money.

If you're concerned about pregnancy be a GOOD parent and EDUCATE your children about early pregnancy, birth control, etc.

[Apple1996]

I got pregnant as a teen twice so from that experience I know how difficult it can be having a baby young. I'd just try to be supportive as possible and help in whatever ways they needed.

by the way teens will have sex anywhere, doesn't matter if you try to prevent it by having rules like not going into rooms alone together.

[BlackCat999]

Thanks for your response and sharing your experience. I didn't go through this so I can only imagine how hard it could be. I had the luck of having an overprotective Mum when it came to this and, I think that somewhere somehow, the fact that she set all these rules allowed me to not make certain life changing decisions too early in life. She overdid a lot but, some of the rules she set eventually helped protect me from a lot of things. As you said, a teen will have sex where they want so I'll still want to make them feel safe enough to talk to me about it and not make sex and intimacy be something "unholy" that they should hide. But having sex under my roof is a big "no". Still I'd talk about protection and being in a safe environment and especially, if it's a girl being emotionally ready as well.

[Apple1996]

Yeah my parents thought that I wasn't having sex or even had been kissed yet so it was a big surprise to them. It's not that they weren't open about it just that I also had some rules about not being alone with boys in my room so I ended up never telling them anything until I got pregnant

[Apple1996]

As a parent now I'd never have rules like that for my kids cuz I know what it leads to. It's a better idea just to let them have sex in the house and actually be open about sex so they don't have to hide anything

[Agape93]

If they are under 18, I'll encourage an abortion. I will NOT have another brat in my house, I will not pay for her care nor for the brats care. I also will not have my kid move to the father's house.

So either the father can take custody of it, she can put it up for adoption or I'll pay for the abortion.
Now if the father is over 18, and my kid is under 18, then he's going to go missing very fucking quick.

[BlackCat999]

Well then, it would be complicated because you can't force the girl (either it be your child or not) to have an abortion or the dad to abandon the baby.
I mean, they could end up resenting you forever if you forced them to put up the baby for adoption or abort. It'd me especially worse if it's your teen.

Still, I get the anger, it's a very complicated situation for any parent.

[Agape93]

1. I never said I'd force it, I would encourage it.

2. I never said the dad had to abandon it, I literally said he could take custody of it.

3. I don't care if they resent me or not. And yet again, I never said I'd force anything.

4. It's not complicated at all. You either abort it, give it to the father or put it up for adoption. Those are the choices if you're a minor. I won't have some other brat in my house.

[Razp_Sorbet]

I plan to be very open and honest with my kids about sex and relationships in order to create an open line of communication and safety surrounding the topic. This means learning about what they need to know as they grow up rather than one big talk just before puberty.

If my teen came to me pregnant then I would firstly hug her and tell her it's going to be okay, then I would talk her through her options and support whatever she chooses.

[Kelly6]

thats the only way and best way

[etexbearkat]

If I were a parent and that happened to my teenage daughter, I would be disappointed in her, but I would make sure she understood that I loved her and I would to anything to help her, including helping take care of the baby after the child was born.

[Anonymous]

I'd kick them out.

My expectations of my kids are simple. Accomplish something with your life.

Having a child as a teen accomplishes nothing except prove to the world you're irresponsible, uneducated and of low intelligence. Teens can have sex sure but there's condoms, birth control or plan b after sex pills to avoid getting pregnant.

[BlackCat999]

With a baby? I mean, it could be dangerous for your grandchild and your child could end up resenting you. It's not like it asked to be there. Maybe you'd think differently if you had a male teen who got a girl pregnant?

[Opinion Owner]

I just said there's options to avoid pregnancy so wouldn't careless if it was son or daughter that was responsible. As for dangerous, etc maybe they should've considered that before being irresponsible. Why should I clean up after them

[Anonymous]

I dont have a daughter, but if i did, i would get her to abort the baby

[Wade12345]

I'd probably thank God :).

[Kelly6]

i would help them as much as i can.

[BlackCat999]

And how would you feel about it? Your initial reaction?

[Kelly6]

i had my first baby at age 19,
so i won't be upset or angry, if that answers your question

[Kelly6]

if she wants too keep the baby, then grandma is happy and excited

[BlackCat999]

Thanks a lot for your reply. Being angry would not help the situation, I guess as a parent you go through lots of emotions at this moment and some do overreact. I'd be hard taking in the info like you, but still, at the end of the day it's a good news.

[Kelly6]

totally agree

[Anonymous]

Open my wallet, it's gonna be an expensive time

[BlackCat999]

Lmao, that's what I tried communicating. Kids are expensive and I don't feel he really gets that. I guess my message got lost in translation.

[Anonymous]

Put your foot down. Momma bear mode unleashed.

[Anonymous]

Imma find that boy and pop em in the head