I have posted here before about my difficult (i. e, nonexistent) relationship with my mother. In short she had an affair when I was a kid, left my father and ended up marrying the guy who was also her boss.
To say the least our relationship after this was not good. Both my brother and I struggled a lot with the fallout of our parent’s’ divorce. Eventually we both ended up almost full time with our dad for a lot of reasons. Neither of us liked or respected her new husband. It lead to a lot of drama between us.
In retrospect I realize that teenage me was just awful when it came to dealing with this. I know my mother was wrong and I still haven’t forgiven her. But I also realize that she has missed us. My dad had also said that while he’ll never want her involved in his life in any way that we can’t continue to punish our mom.
She actually reached out to us over the holidays. My brother never responded. But I did respond and told her that I still loved her but she needed to understand how hurtful her choices were to the both of us.
She and I met a few times since then. We had coffee, we’ve gone to dinner and shopping together. So while it was awkward at first we have started to patch things up. But then she asked me if my boyfriend and I would like to go to dinner with her and her husband.
This is where my boundaries come in. I told her that I really don’t want any type of relationship with that man. I don’t want to talk to him, hear about him or meet him. I dislike him intensely. I also won’t discuss my father with her as she’ll occasionally try to get details of what he’s up to. Who he’s dating, that sort of thing.
She said she thinks it’s a little hard and she doesn’t see how we can have a normal healthy relationship if her husband is a taboo subject and he’s a part of her life too. I don’t think I’m being hard at all but maybe I am?
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It's just not a easy situation so your feelings are completely understandable, this other man is another human and if he isn't being disrespectful or rude to you then he shouldn't be receiving that type of energy unless he deserves it but if the guy is just looking for love then can you really hate him for it? Unfortunately a family had to separate for it to happen but don't let it break the family tho, I knew a kid that he stabbed his mother 100 times, from the rumors I heard it was cause he wanted to have a party and his mom was mad about his grades so he stabbed her killing her and put her body in a closet and poured laundry detergent on her body and threw the party until someone discovered the body that has been decomposing for 3 days, the smell was everywhere and it was awful, kit darrant, the story is there, either ways you should appreciate her appearance even if you don't want to accept her new husband's, just respect him, you don't gotta like him or even be near him, you can make it clear to your mother as well and that's fine, we also have to learn to forgive because without forgiveness you'll grow grudges and those only get worse, mostly if your father has already let it go, moving on is hard but it's a part of life and a divorce is unfortunate, mostly as a child of the parents cause you are stuck between it but distance doesn't mean loveless, because she clearly loves you and still cares about your father or she wouldn't have asked.
My point by the way about that story is that the lack of love for his mother, shit can be much worse and by looking or hearing about the worse, you can see your blessings
I don't think you are being harsh. He helped destroy your family