How do you learn to forgive someone when you dont feel you can?

Question

Caramalkisses23 · Accepted Answer

I forgive- not for them but for myself. Holding on to a grudge only hurts you in the end. Just my opinion.

I let go of a 9year relationship because he had basically cheated on me every chance he got. I drained myself of love because I thought he would change. He fell in love with someone, had a baby with another, etc. I endured a lot before getting the strength to let go.

When I finally got the courage to let go- I still cared about his feelings and didn’t want to cause him the same pain he caused. I still wanted to remain good in his eyes because I knew he would forever live with his actions that will ultimately (maybe) help him be once better for the next. I forgave him for everything even though he never cared about my feelings. I chose to forgive and let go of anger because I was only hurting myself by holding on to the anger.
Him and I are cordial, I still love him. I don’t hold anything against him. And we are actually distant friends. We can talk, I can give him advice and vice versa.

For me, forgiveness brings peace to a situation. No one wants to live in pure hell, being miserable and negative is draining.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean you accept bad behavior- it just means your unwilling to dwell on the things you cannot change.

Pinay_ako · Accepted Answer

First of all, don’t force it. If you’re not ready then don’t make it happen just for the sake of forgiving. You owe that to yourself not to the other person. So don’t worry about how long it takes, but do it when you think you are ready to let it go and forgive them. Do it for yourself not for others. All the best for you.

TruthBringer · Accepted Answer

I'm going to play the devil's advocate and say the following:

Don't let people convince you that the only way to move is by forgiving an abuser. There is no such thing. Forgiveness is not something that comes free. It is given on the condition of remorse and changed behavior. If you have a hard time forgiving something, then that probably has to do because your abuser does not feel sorry. And therefore, you are not obligated to forgive them. You can accept what happened and move on without forgiving.

Yes, it is possible.

So this whole "you forgive for you, not for them" is honestly just nonsense based on political correctness. So stop gaslighting yourself trying to force yourself to do something your body and mind are naturally rejecting. Focus your attention on acceptance, learning from possible mistakes you've made and move on aiming for better people.

I've personally gone through emotional abuse at the hands of an ex and her family. You think I forgave them? No. Because they were never sorry for it. I accepted what they did and what they are, learned from it all, and moved on to bigger and better. Now I'm living life much happier than I ever was with my ex.

BadApple69 · Accepted Answer

Forgiveness comes from understanding. We are all flawed human beings. Whatever this person has done, was done because we ALL make mistakes. Jesus said “Let he amount you who has not sinned cast the first stone”. It's my believe that Jesus is the only one who could cast that first stone. No one is perfect and we are all very capable of making catastrophic errors in judgement. Hopefully, when we do dumb things we will be forgiven by those around us. Forgiveness starts with you. Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Good luck... I hope you can find forgiveness.

MementoMori777 · Answer

by knowing what forgiveness is, forgiveness doesn't mean forget and keep giving them chances, forgiving is letting it go and that also means letting go of the grudge, anger, frustration and hatred for that person, you can separate from someone and still forgive is my point here

Telekinetic-Potato · Answer

Before you can forgive the other person, you have to forgive yourself for being vulnerable.

After you do that, it's all about trying to see it from their perspective and letting go of the emotional attachment you have to the situation while remembering the hard facts of what transpired.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

1. I make a distinction between forgiving and forgetting. Forging job by beams I let go of my bitterness and anger, but I don’t forget what happened, and I don’t act as if it never happened.

2. I let go of the anger for my benefit, not because the other person deserves it.

WanderingLoveWizard · Answer

The only time I'd never forgive someone is if they killed someone I love. That's unforgivable, and people who do find forgiveness eneas for their loved one's killer are lying to themselves to stay sane.

Everything else can be forgiven, but ONLY if they ask for it. No forgiveness if there's no remorse

Ms_Facesitter · Answer

I'm someone who's gone through abuse and I straight up said I don't forgive them for what they did. That way you aren't stuck with mixed feelings because you don't have to. And you show that person that what they did is NOT OKAY. Because some people will keep doing it if you just keep forgiving. Just accept that it happened, and protect yourself for next time. It's better this way.

sheikalana · Answer

Best way is to accept what they've done and make peace with it. I feel that I forgave everyone who's done me wrong but do I want to keep in touch with them or keep them in my life? No, thanks. I don't wish them nothing but good things but I also have no interest in keeping them around.

Mynameisbobby · Answer

I don't think I can ever forgive my sister for the way she treated me when I was growing up. She is 10 years older than I am and would physically hurt me everyday treated me like a dog. I don't know where she is today and I don't care, I just hope she never finds me. I'm still living with the effects of what she did to me.

Sanser · Answer

Remember that you forgive for your own good. Sometimes it can be the best form to not have problems in the future. It'S hard but you just have to convince yourself that you dont give a f about that person feelings, its about your mental health and social life.

nawtee_me · Answer

Forgiving does not mean forgetting. We remember so we won’t allow them to do it to us again. We forgive so they don’t live rent free in our head. Once we forgive we release them from having any control over us at all. Holding on to resentments is like drinking poison and hoping they will get sick from it… most of the time those people don’t even know you have the resentments.

ShesRad80 · Answer

forgiving isn't for them its for you, to be able to move on. ask yourself are they really worth all the time i give them? holding the grudge? do they know or care? moving on is for you not them

NewYorkCity · Answer

It is not about learning how to forgive others, it is about learning how to forgive yourself. Whoever done you wrong, don't care AT ALL about their actions, you on the other hand do, so you have to learn how to forgive yourself and move on.

Meropatrick · Answer

Forgivness is overrrated. U dont need to forgive to move on. At least u have the right to be angry about the hurt. Unforgivenss is a strong statement the u r not a doormat. Moving on is different and is not tied to forgivness.

RingOfFire · Answer

Just remember that when you forgive someone, it relieves a giant burden ON YOU.

Hating and holding a grudge against someone hurts YOU and gives them power over you. Take back the power. Forgive and be rid of the inner turmoil.

strateguy632 · Answer

ah, if that is your goal, christianity can help. learn it and find the answers. secular does not have the idea to "learn" that so why bother?

thatshydork · Answer

By knowing that if you don’t learn to forgive them, it’s you that will have to carry that burden for the rest of your life, not them.

DaBiggestBird · Answer

If it’s too hard then pray for help. I have a thing where everything turns black for maybe 5 seconds and water appears as if arriving at shore. The sound is mollifying, make forgiving easier.

LaFemmeFatale_1 · Answer

Remember that forgiveness is for you, not for them…

Reorx · Answer

I'd have to answer "why should I bother at all"? First. Maybe I'm better off moving on & forgetting all about them.

TallAnon · Answer

Therapy, it usually involves trying to recall emotion and rationalizing them, then accepting them.

BLP11520 · Answer

It may take time depending on how big the issue

normandi · Answer

Don't forgive but forget by convensing yourself that the person is not worth it

boggboss · Answer

By just kinda doing it lol

jahaims · Answer

Depends on the circumstances

Fuentes · Answer

I don't forgive

In_Trance · Answer

Therapy

How do you learn to forgive someone when you dont feel you can?

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