My parents are going to divorce because I spill the beans about mom's affair, am I partially at fault?

[Anonymous]

After 3 months of hiding mom's affair, I (16 F) spilled the beans. My mom confessed it to me and kept pressuring me to lie for her. I was afraid that if dad found out, he wouldn't just divorce her but immediately disown me like it happened to some other girl. Also other men in youtube and reddit were in favor of disowning their child for that reason.

I cried when saying all that. His reply took me by surprise. He said he wasn't ever going to do that, why on earth would I think that, if anything it's my mom that he wants nothing to do but I'm his child (I'm an only child) forever no matter what, nothing will change that.

He did added the only disappointment is telling the truth out of fear instead of doing it because it's the right thing but understands how it must've been very difficult for me.

Am I partially at fault for them divorcing soon? At this moment, I'm spending time with dad and mom is still kind of upset with me. She's upset because she thinks that as a girl, I should've been by her side, that women support other women all the times but now feels I disappoint her.

[RavVid]

Your mother was badly at fault in making you an accomplice to her deceit. If anything she was more immoral in that than cheating on your father.

She has pushed you into this position of choosing between your father and mother - and inherently that is the choice she was forcing on you. Your mother destroyed her relationship with your father and if you had done what she wanted, then it would have destroyed your relationship with him.

How could you not have felt guilt in every interaction with him if you followed her dictates? Inevitably that would have destroyed your daughter/father relationship.

OK you are 16 but you will soon be an adult and have moral decisions to make yourself. Your mother is not an example to follow.

In fact I think you should demand a genuine apology from your mother for what she did to you. Until she genuinely experiences sorrow and regret at what she has done then I think it is hard for you to have a relationship with her.

I regret that at 16 you have this moral decision to make.

[Asker]

I'm feel as if my world fell apart. That once happy family I grew up with is now destroyed. My father will never forgive her for what she put me through. Though I feel terrible for lying to dad, covering up for her for those 3 months. It felt the same as being forced to carry a huge boulder on the shoulders till it's overwhelming, you can't do it anymore and one day just drop it.

Yeah I don't even want to imagine what it would've been if I had continued with the lie for longer. Single mothers are found everywhere, it's so easy. Then it's also easy for a man to get us pregnant and bail out/abandon us; a sperm donor. But having my dad in my life is what many people are lacking. For me it's like a privilege. I learned things from him I can't from just having a mother.

The irony is that while my mother wanted me to continue lying towards him (putting me against him; trying to break the daughter-father bonding), dad is ok if I still want to visit my mom once their divorce get finalized and that whatever issues they have, she's still my mother afterall (leaving the daughter-mother bonding intact regardless of whatever issues the parents have).

[RavVid]

Your mother did put a huge boulder on your shoulders but you found the solution of just rejecting it. That is the beauty of acting morally - those weights disappear immediately.

Your father is a very good man and I think you are best off to live with him if I may say so. Yes your mother is your mother and I don't want poison you against her. One of the things of growing up/becoming an adult is seeing the flaws in the parents. So it is best if you can compartmentalize those wrt to your mother.

My genuine best wishes for you.
I

[RavVid]

A concern for you arose in my mind. In a sense your mother has abandoned you. I have seen this a couple of times and the daughter was quite affected by the betrayal. if it is at all possible I think it would be good if you can get counselling and to talk it out with a third person. It is all out in the open now but a large burden is still on your shoulders. If you have the opportunity through the divorce process please do take it.

[BoopBoopBeep]

Nope. None of that's on you. That's all on your mom. You didn't force her to have a relationship outside of marriage. If you see a bank robbery and report it, and that person goes to jail, it's not your fault they are in jail. They did the crime. It's their fault they are in jail.

[Asker]

I'll have to get used to my new life. This is shocking to me at this moment. I love both my parents. It sucks what my mom did. I don't understand why she couldn't stay happily married and not cheat. Growing up, I always thought my parents were the best for each other.

[BoopBoopBeep]

People surprise you sometimes. Don't let them put you in the middle of ist and you'll pull through perfectly fine. Stand up for yourself when needed.

[provokeesmokee]

No.

Your mother is solely at fault.

Not only did she break her commitment to her husband (your father), she lied to him and FORCED YOU, her CHILD, to lie in her stead as well. And, like, seriously, why would you tell your 16yo about your affair? Your mother is fucked in the head.

She is the only one to blame. Everything happening to her is the result of her own actions.

She'll try to convince you otherwise. Keep every text, if covert recordings are legal in court where you live then record every convo with her, and keep your head about you.

Your mother will turn your home life into a warzone for her ego's sake. So keep your evidence and make sure you protect your mental well-being.

Know that none of this is on you. All of this is on your mother.

[Asker]

For years I thought my parents were the normal, happy couple. My dad loved her and would do everything to provide for us, to make sure nothing was missing.
Then when mom confessed to her affair, I was hurt and shocked. I can't think of anything lacking, missing the home. There was love.

[provokeesmokee]

Sometimes people do shitty things for no good reason.

[Spongebobssocks]

No you did good! Your dad should find a person with human value. Your mom is a worthless whore. Has nothing to do with you she did what she did. It doesn't do any bad for you.

[AviatorTom]

It is not your fault. Your mother chose to do something that she knew was wrong and that would affect her marriage. She is at fault for breaking her marriage vows.

I'm sorry you were put in the middle of this. You did the right thing.

[Asker]

Base on my long conversation with dad last night, he actually has so much disdain towards her for getting me involved, much more than for the overall affair. If she would've confessed to him (depending on the reason, for how long it went on, other factors, etc) and kept me out of this, he gave it a 50/50 chance it would've either still been a divorce or they would've reconciled.
However, by doing what she did... to my dad it's now 100% worth divorce and 0% of a reconciliation. She basically lowered her 50% chance to a 0%.

[Mynameisbobby]

Absolutely not your fault! Your mother should never have even told you about the affair. Much less asking you to keep it a secret. Do not blame yourself for this! You did nothing wrong in my opinion.

[LazerBean]

Your mom is garbage. Good job helping your dad get away from that trash, do your best to help him get custody so that you don't have to be raised by trash and whatever other trash she brings home.

[Asker]

I'm still wondering what went wrong. There was nothing lacking at home. There was love between my parents. Dad did everything he could to make us happy, provide for us, etc.

[LazerBean]

Nothing has to go wrong for a whore to act like a whore.

[Asker]

I hope she realizes what she threw away. She threw away 18 years of marriage (I was born 2 years later) and counting the time they were boyfriend and girlfriend, that's 20 years they were together in total. She threw a whole life away.

[inhua]

be grateful you're a girl and not a guy

guys who are snakes regardless of their own fears on repercussions get dealt with very swiftly and in very unforgiving ways and rightfully so

[Asker]

I haven't thought of that but it's a good point. I did felt terrible for lying to dad for 3 whole months though, covering up for mom. I felt trapped at that moment, as if I going against either mom or dad would be betraying one of them. I love them both.

I had long conversation with dad. He comforted me and was understanding towards me; said he would never stop loving me ever. So he went softer on me for being a girl?

[inhua]

[ So he went softer on me for being a girl? ]

I don't see how a boy would a get free pass for that. cowardice is frowned upon in boys/men. in your case this was understandable.

males are biologically hardwired to be more endearing towards females the more feminine they are. I'd imagine it's the same way females are biologically hardwired to be more admiring towards males the more masculine they are

[exitseven]

Your mother put you in an impossible situation. do not blame yourself for anything , it id her fault.

[Asker]

yes it was very difficult for me. Now I have to adjust to this new life, of a broken home and shattered dreams that nothing last forever.

[exitseven]

I went through the same exact thing when I was 15. It was a real horror show. It really effected me for many years after. You need to rise above it and try and get on with your life.

[Olivier-628]

aside from the advice that you are not now, not ever. No matter how much she might tell you at fault. This is havy and I hope you are doing ok.

[Billlewis]

I don't think it's your fault at all, but her husband should forgive her for having an affair.

[Anonymous]

The ONLY person at fault here is your mom. You did absolutely nothing wrong and have nothing to feel bad about. You are a brave young lady and you and your dad will be fine.

[Anonymous]

You were the catalyst. But know she cheated that path when she cheated. And it was wrong of her to put that weight on you. You aren't at fault for anything really. Your mom needs to take responsibility for her actions.

[ShesRad80]

not one bit, none of it is your fault. you should have never been put in that position.

[Wise4myage]

You should have stayed out of it, but its not your fault.

[Wise4myage]

And your mother is loony to think you should have sided with her.

[Asker]

Yes but another girl in a story did exactly just that, she stayed out of it and when the dad found out, he divorced his wife and disowned his daughter immediately after the girl turned 18 (that girl was my age too when the mom's affair happened).
I was afraid that if I didn't say anything, my dad would immediately think I've betrayed him and that I would lose my love's dad, lose him forever. I was afraid of getting disowned if I didn't tell, only to find out I wasn't ever going to get disowned, that he loves me without any conditions.

[Wise4myage]

Your feelings are valid, so don't think they weren't.

[worldscolide]

No you're not, you forced a whore to be honest.

[worldscolide]

And no your mom is manipulative and evil if she thinks you should keep her secrets.

[Asker]

It's already bad enough that she cheated, broke her vows and feels what she did to me takes another level. To him, that makes her one of the most disgusting and vile woman ever.

[worldscolide]

And I agree with him. Women like your mother don't take their vows seriously. They see marriage as something she can wipe her ass with and throw away. If she were really serious, really repentant, she would be on her knees begging both your dad and you for forgiveness. But she's likely too narcissistic for that.

[Asker]

It's unbelievable that she threw away 18 years of marriage (I was born 2 years later) and 20 years of them being together in total.

[worldscolide]

I agree. It's sad, and I bet dad was completely blind sided.

[jahaims]

Your mom is mentally ill

[Asker]

It's such a shame. The mom I knew for the longest was devoted, kind and caring. I thought I had a normal, happy normal. There was nothing missing at home. Then suddenly everything changed.

[jahaims]

Cheating is never okay. She is broken and tries to cope with life with an affair instead of dealing with the issues at hand. Seriously, don't put any pressure on yourself. You are only responsible for yourself. She is trying to guilt you so she feels less guilty and responsible for her own actions.

[Cherkez]

You did the right thing she's a whore

[Asker]

She's still my mom though. I love both parents and yet it hurts what's happening. I always thought they would last till death do them apart. I thought I had a happy family. I didn't see that coming.