When someone asks to borrow money from me, I feel like gifting them instead, how do I learn to accept it back?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I feel like if it’s not too big of an amount, I can as well gift. I mean, I hate borrowing money from someone and I’d picture only doing it in the extreme situation. That would be very uncomfortable. I like to be self-sufficient.

One of my 12 younger cousins asked to borrow money from me, I decided to lend her instead of gifting, cause I have 11 other close cousins, If I gift money to everyone everytime they need it, what will I have left for myself.

She told me she’d give it back in 2 months, it’s been two months, and I haven’t reminded her or something, she just messaged me today.

(Note: that money that I gave her will do nothing for me, I was planning to send it to my mom, it would be a good help for her. Since she doesn’t work and takes care of my grandma who’s got dementia alone.)

My cousin just messaged and told me : she will give half of it now, cause she is in a very bad financial situation and the amount of money she owes me is the equivalent of her whole salary, and she complained about her financial situation, I felt very bad for her and told her,” I don’t want it and she can keep it and not to worry about it. Consider it’s her money.”

I feel bad for my momentary weakness though, cause she’s 20, she borrowed money from me to invite her friends at a fancy party,

I remember when I was 20, I had 3-4 unpaid legal internships along with studies and since I didn’t have that much money, I didn’t throw parties, especially didn’t borrow money from anyone.

I was invited to the summits of Madrid and Oslo, as a representative of the companies I was successful member of, but I chose not to go, cause I didn’t want my parents to have the financial pressure of helping me, even though they were willing to help.

So, I feel like next time she borrows money from me, I should accept it back instead of gifting her again. I’ve done it in the past too.

How do I learn accepting it back and not feel sad momentarily for their not so good financial situation?

[BoopBoopBeep]

"that money that I gave her will do nothing for me"... but the potential life lesson, especially for a young person, in fiscal responsibility will do far more for them than the bailout alone. If they're always forgiven their loans, they lose that opportunity to grow there, as well as being denied a lesson in how one's word is their bond. There was a time when I felt comfortable moving 5 figures off a handshake, but sadly now there will be a contract, because so many people have figured out they can skirt their promises.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Yep and do you know why I feel like I should not gift her next time?

(Firstly sorry for the lack of the punctuation because I’m walking right now and I can’t type, I am writing through my voice)

Cause at 20 I never had money to spend on luxury things and I would never ever borrow money from anyone just to buy a personal computer or store parties or buy some luxury make up products I would never do that because I was concentrated on my studies and I wanted to be a responsible person and buy my own things myself.

And I feel like she’s trying to take advantage of my brother and I because she asked my brother to buy a personal computer for her and she would pay him monthly, oh she also borrowed some other amount of money from my brother as well and I feel like she’s just trying to buy more things than she can afford hoping that my brother and I will be there to help but my brother and I have our own responsibilities, our own things to do.

And her parents are better financially well-off than my parents have ever been so I don’t feel like no we should take a responsibility of being her sponsors yeah I will lend her money again but I don’t feel like gifting her again.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

And also I mean lending her money is fine but every time I lend her I ended up gifting her because she has always been complaining.

So next time I’ll just accept it back.

[BoopBoopBeep]

Haha she's just found an interest free credit card to live outside her means... but a credit card she doesn't have to pay back.

I think you're making a wise decision to accept it back next time.

[Anonymous]

Someone who tries to explain that they're in a bad financial state when they're offering to return part of what they "borrowed" from friends or family members who always say "just keep it" are trying to manipulate so you'll say it again about 95% of the time.

I have a good friend who I help out sometimes so she and her daughter have food. If she asks me to help she asks for food, not money. If I can help I usually give her both. No expectation of her returning it because I know her situation. When she's stable she invites me over for coffee - and I do mean coffee for our gutter-minded lurkers - and I go round without even expecting a coffee. Just for her company.

I almost never lend money so I can't feel cheated if it's not returned. I don't let something as petty as money get in between us. There's always a way to make more money but a friend I can trust is a different matter.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

So you think she manipulated me into gifting her?

I don’t know she’s my younger cousin, so I feel guilty not to gift her when she says she is in a bad place. But the truth is, I take care of my own family - mother and grandma and have my own things to do,

I don’t feel like sponsoring my cousin’s parties.

I mean, I was 20 too and I lived a very modest life because I didn’t have money for doing everything I wanted.

Now I have and I do whatever I want but I don’t want my 12 cousins to feel entitled to my money and make me feel bad so that I’ll gift them instead of lend them.

Maybe I am a bad cousin, I just think, they are lot, if I gift each one of them everytime, that won’t be a wise investment of my money.

[Pyrofox]

Could always say I'll take half and consider the other half insurance that she doesn't have to go to another family member and ask for cash. "And not to spend it all in one place." *insert like cheeky smile* XD. I'm the one who helps give my nieces their collective allowance and I remember the first time they saved up enough for 2 tablets to share between the 3 of them and they tried to give the rest of their savings back and I had to explain what allowance means. XD.

So long as its family not taking advantage of ones kindness I see no issue with investing in others happiness so long as it isn't putting ones own self in a financial issues.

[RoseySarah]

This is hard but it is good your learning to accept it.

Remember words are words and people will say anything for money.

Often as nice people we give and want to help.

I have this both ways cause after I gave a gift my 7 other cousins wanted the same. Hounded me for it so I got tired told them it's a lone!

Give it to her mom instead! Let your mom give it to her mom!

Your so nice but don't let them take advantage! This coming from the nicest nurse

[Sevenpointfive]

if she's not a kid and can work, let her work and learn like we all do. she doesn't get special treatment because she's family. you're teaching her badly. what will the credit card company say when she can't pay? they won't forgive her. when her interest is sky high because she's too embarrassed to know she's in over her head and figure out solutions where will she turn? hey cuz i need $20k to pay off my card or i go to jail. and that's her as a 20-something yr old now with real repercussions.

what i do to my nephews is this. if they ask for something like a game on steam, i say that's your birthday or Christmas present. they get money from my sister and parents and have no clue how to spend money so i don't expect money back.

i might not be understanding the size of these loans. a party for $500 maybe? how much are you loaning out? and when loaning makes you realize your own struggles it's time to stop. you are like my sister. she loves to help but she never knows when to stop. she always feels unappreciated, unthankful and clueless

[Still-alive]

Y'know if its family i think its normal to feel guilty about wanting the money you gave them back. But just be careful because even family can sometimes take advantage of your generosity and keep wanting more from you. So if i were you i'd let the first times you give them money let those be gifts, but if they ask more then you tell them they should pay you back so you know you can't be taken advantage of.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

The thing is my family is very big, I have 12 first cousins and many more distant cousins who I am close to. I feel guilty for not gifting them, but if I gift everyone I’d be left with nothing.

Also, I need to help my real family, which is my mom and grandma.

My cousin keeps asking money from me and my brother all the time. She asked my brother to but her PC and she will pay him monthly, if I accepted that money she was giving me now as a repayment, she’d be left nothing to give to my brother for the monthly payment of the PC she bought.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

My brother is 24, he works hard for himself, I have no idea why should we be the ones feeling obliged to help the whole family, but I can’t help and feel obliged.

[Still-alive]

See yeah that last cousin you mentioned sounds like she's taking advantage a little bit. She knows she can keep going to you for the handouts y'know. you may have to stand firm and tell them you can't give them anymore money. you can explain how you need it to help your mom and grandma so they understand.

[Still-alive]

How about them? do they work?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

She does, but she also studies and she also likes having the best of clothes, make up and technology. So she keeps asking for money quite often. And since we are her two older cousins, my brother and I, I mean and we are doing well, she always comes to us. If I decline her, I know she’ll go to my brother or to both of us separately at the same time, like last time.

When I was 20, I didn’t buy things I couldn’t afford to, I don’t know why she’s buying those things hoping we’ll help.

We have our own lives and our own family duties.

[Still-alive]

Yeah you may just have to be firm with her. Maybe tell your brother to do the same too otherwise yeah i don't see her refraining from asking you two for the time being.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Yes, that’s why I dislike that I gave in the momentary sadness I felt after she complained, she’s going to keep doing it and asking for more. Somebody’s got to tell her that you can’t live a life on others expense.

[Still-alive]

Yup so either you or your brother can tell her... or maybe do it together if you feel like you can't do it by yourself. it can be hard but like you said they gotta understand that she can't keep asking for handouts all the time especially if they got things they need the money for.

[glennos89]

Seems like you are a very generous person. Be carefull for leaches though! People are going to try to take advantage of you some day!

I can't give you any advise on how to accept gifts from others because I suck at receiving gifts aswell. I like to be self sufficient as well. I believe I do this because I don't want to have any conflicts with nobody about money related stuff.

[lildkman1090]

Why do you concern yourself with idiots or explaining yourself to them you have no reason to you deserve much better treatment your treating yourself badly treat yourself better or I will show you how too the people don’t deserve a explanation from the dirt

[msc545]

Stop lending money to people and avoid borrowing it if you possibly can. If you are going to borrow it, borrow it from banks, not from relatives or friends.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I never borrow.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I only lend them. The question is about how to stop obliged to gift money to my cousin instead of lending. When she talks about her difficult financial situation I feel sad and I tell her she can keep it and not return. But then I realize it’s not good I do that.

[msc545]

It's not good that you do that at all. Please stop lending her money.

[AviatorTom]

Lending money to a relative is almost always gifting it to them. You will most likely never see them pay you back. That's one if nature's unwritten laws.

[love_conquers_lust]

It makes borrowers feel valued when they can pay their debts. It implies they now have value, which is what they truly wanted in the first place.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

What does it mean? I don’t understand. You mean they borrow money from me because they want to be valued?

[love_conquers_lust]

You felt good about lending them your value. They felt good about repaying that with their own value back. It’s a mutually beneficial exchange. So there is no need to feel bad.

Example: They want to bake bread. You offer to buy the materials. They bake the bread and sell it at cost plus markup. You both profit. They happily pay you back because they got to make bread, profit, AND they generated their own value with your help.

Also, if you view it as charity, their repayment will come as a bonus/surprise in the future.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I don’t want to be charity center for perfectly able with two legs and two handed individuals who can work well and earn their own money and not throw parties at the expense of other people.

[love_conquers_lust]

Then that’s not charity. Only part with what you’re willing to part with. I didn’t like being a designated driver for my dumb shit friends all the time. Eventually I told them I was done because watching them get plastered gets old. Or do what Jeff Foxworthy says, charge them out the butt for gas:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7WX0QaGdPsM

[Anonymous]

listen, i know we dont know each other femme fatale buti bould use a lat grand til payday to cover some investments i made with my bookie, i mean stockbroker.
ill pay you baxk promise :))

[Opinion Owner]

omg my keyboards fkd. lazy grand