Can somebody prioritize the relationship they are in more than the person they are with?

[Anonymous]

Well my boyfriend started an argument out of the blue and blurted out that all I do is complain. I didn't have the energy or mental health to even argue back so I just let him talk. He did say some hurtful things but the one that stuck to me the most was the fact that he said all I do is complain when I'm just simply vocal about what bothers me. I do take time to listen to what he has to say and I do wonder where all that came from. But unfortunately all that he said stuck to me and I vowed to never complain again. So lately he's been doing things that I don't like and it has been draining. After a long time he finally realized I've been off. He asked me what's wrong and I just said I'm not okay. Now I'm trying to not complain because I have built up issues in me about the relationship but if I were to say something it'll be considered complaining. I'm kind of hoping for him to ask about how I am in general but not about the relationship. I haven't been okay for a long time. I decided to tell him that despite the relationship, I haven't been okay. But when I try to talk about how I am, he always brings up the relationship when all i need is to just to be heard for once. It's like even though me and him are together, he cares more about the relationship more than me as a person. I don't know if I'm making any sense. I don't know what to do...

[caring__1]

This is the problem with people prioritizing being heard over hearing and understanding the other person. He receives your venting as criticism, and we'll never see a positive result from criticism. When we feel criticized, we become more resistant to change and less likely to take the other person's feelings into consideration.

If you truly want to be heard, stop putting the finger on him. Rather than telling him he messed up again, tell him "I find doing it this way tends to work better for me," or "This approach tends to bring a smile to my face," or "I was just thinking about our time at the park last week. I remembered your gentleness, and I started feeling all warm and tingly inside." Before saying or doing anything, ask yourself whether you'd truly appreciate, not just tolerate, being on the receiving end of what you plan to dish out. If not, come up with an alternative.

People do get stuck in ruts, and the relationship will become more important than the person they are with. They focus more on not wanting to start over again than working to improve the relationship or be considerate of someone they believe isn't considerate of them.

[Asker]

That's the thing. I will emphasize the "I" but he will make it as if he said those words and if I am pointing my finger to him. I will say "hey, I don't really comfortable with.." or "i appreciate that u... but i didn't like how u..." instead of saying "you are doing this and its selfish" or "you always..." He places himself and the relationship in it.

I could say for example "Hey I'm not okay, I've been depressed lately. I haven't figured out why". He'll immediately start saying that he's the problem and starts asking me if it's because of the relationship. But once I say no it's like it doesn't matter how I feel from there. As long as it's not about the relationship or him. He will just leave me feeling that way and not show much concern.

I do praise him for all the good things but you know sometimes you praise them so much you use it as a way to blind out the fact that you're not okay with certain things that are getting out of control.
Like "yeah he really hurts me when he... but he did this for me so i guess it shouldn't matter"

[caring__1]

Let's say you put forth a significant effort to clean the kitchen. Your partner comes in and says "You did a great job... but you missed this spot over here." The "but" will always eliminate the "yes" when it comes to "yes, buts."

Putting I think or I feel in front of a "You" statement doesn't eliminate the "You" statement. Let's say someone says to you "I feel you're stupid." Aren't they still saying you're stupid? It's not about how we intend to send a message out, but how it is received. We tend to be very sensitive when we're on the receiving end, but don't even bother to consider how it might impact the other before we send it out. The examples you just gave still focused on your perception of what he did rather than educate him as to what is going on inside of you.

If he's uncomfortable with how you say things, rather than legitimize what you said, ask him how he'd prefer you say it. Show him you want to learn rather than come across as feeling entitled to say or do whatever you wish, however you wish, whenever you wish and wherever you wish. Be consistent. Saying you praise him while still pointing the finger at him will not allow him to hear the praise. Let's say he says, "You're clumsy, awkward, stupid, cute, insensitive and lazy." How much will that "cute" impact you?

[BadApple69]

May I suggest going old school on him…. White a letter. Explain how you are feeling BUT after you write it let it sit for a day or two. Then go back and read it yourself. See how it sounds to you.


Now something I picked up on about you. You talked about him only caring about the relationship and not you as a individual. In a marriage (I know you’re not married) it’s 2 people becoming as one. Men/women will call the other “their better half”. The relationship between these two people should be the most important and not what’s best for each individual. There are sacrifices that are made during any relationship, individuality is the biggest thing sacrificed. Good luck! I hope you figure it all out.

[Asker]

Thank you

[BadApple69]

I hope you don’t think I was too hard on you. That wasn’t my intent.

[Asker]

Not at all good sir :)

[Anonymous]

He feels obligated more to being in a relationship than being hooked to the hip with you, as a person he should be thinking of.

[Opinion Owner]

Thanks, gag. x

[jahaims]

Duh.