Is it too late to confront someone from the past?

[Vesuvius87]

There is a particular woman (then a preteen to mid teens) I imagine one day confronting her and asking her this

''Why did you treated me badly back then, did I ever do anything to you that you didn't like, jealousy, why did you hated me so badly enough to want to fight me and then fake a friendship, why did you targeted me in particular, why, can you care to explain I won't judge, just tell me why''.

She'll likely pretend not to remember but at times, I feel like getting the chance to ask her that. The scar from my horrible days in my Junior High school years have healed but yeah it reminds as an emotional scar that we'll always live with. She's alive alright and happily married with grown kids. I never knew why that particular girl treated me terrible.

I don't want any apology. I just wish I knew why. I never knew the reason why.

Updates

+1 y

I've seen videos of youtube about a couple individuals confronting their tormentors from the past and sometimes they got closure. From time to time, I imagine getting closure too but I guess it's unlikely. But yeah, I wish I knew what was her reasoning for targeting me years ago.

[Unycorn]

The truth is - it's not interesting or relevant.

You can't see inside people's heads and sometimes it's better that way.

Even if you think about it - I wouldn't ask it - it shows you are resentful or don't forget. Secondly - it's helpful to learn, you can't understand everything or get an answer every time. I've learned this when I've lost people. You don't always get an answer and you have to learn to deal with it

And sometimes the answer is not important because it does not change the past

[Vesuvius87]

yeah I'll likely never get an answer since she never reached out to me ever. It's just my imagination where I wish there was the answer. For instance if the answer were to be ''I was jealous of you, you had better grades, are taller than me, etc'' then ok I would understand it, at least I would have the answer but yeah not knowing why is what I'll have to live with.

[Unycorn]

What exactly would be different if you knew she was jealous, just didn't like you, maybe she just wanted to put someone down because she's a bad person? She did what she did and said what she said. Whatever the reason, you should respect other people who have done you no harm.

For me, the worst status a person can have is: indifferent

If I don't care what the person says or thinks or how they are.

Don't stress so much about the person. They're probably not worth it

[Vesuvius87]

I think part of the reason I'm focusing on this lately is because she has become more successful as an adult, is happily married and has kids; has the life I'm lacking. I'm still childess at my age and it's unlikely I'll make it on time to get married and have my own biological kid; something I've wanted for the longest. Two past bfs wasted my time and made fake promises; strung me along and I never got my proposal out of those relationships.

[Vesuvius87]

and she's more successful in career wise too. She has climbed up the ladder so much and I'm stuck as just an average woman with a dead-end job, childless and unmarried.

[Unycorn]

Okay. Understand. Here I often hear that everything comes back to you. Do you know what she had to do or endure to make a career? Whether she only presents a perfect family on the outside but possibly has a man who is cheating on her or she is a token woman married to a gay man? This is all hypothetical. I can tell you from experience that people prefer to present themselves well and shiny than to show what they haven't achieved.

You can only look people in the eye. You will probably never know the truth of what her life is or was really like. She might as well be acting a lot and be unhappy in reality. Is it important? No. Let her go her own way and it's best not to pay any more attention to her

[HelpfulWoman]

-correction< she probably WON'T remember you. Because you probably mean fuck all to her.
She's also not responsible for you feeling you need "closure" over frankly, a non event in the grand scheme of things.

[Vesuvius87]

yeah I don't mean anything to her at all and yet at the time, she should pretend so much energy and time on her unknown hatred towards me

[NathanDavis]

if you ever do this... consider one thing...

that she most likely won't be the same person that she was back then but someone different... probably the same for, you might be a different person than you were at the time

so, as soon as you do not lose sight of this... you might have better chances to find the answers you do seek

[Vesuvius87]

For the meantime it's just a scenario I imagine. She never reached out towards me so I guess I'll just have to accept never getting any closure.
I would understand if the answer were to be jealousy because I had better grades than her at the time or me being a lot taller, etc. But not knowing why is what sucks.

[NathanDavis]

I would also suggest to keep a very open mind... and instead of assuming or expecting one thing in particular like "you were jealous"

really try to hear her and to understand and then she might really open up

it should be a longer conversation, because maybe she is not even sure why she did the things I did (most likely to be the case if she was immature) and if you really want to understand why... then you two should be more open about things, not rush to just one thing in which she was "just bad"

[Staximus]

If it makes you feel better, do it. Maybe she was lashing out because of problems at home. Maybe she was a shitty person or just too young and dumb to realize how shitty she was.

[Andres77]

I’ve wanted to do that very same thing with a few people.

[Vesuvius87]

I know right. They will never get to experience nor feel what we feel. They likely either will feign ignorance saying they don't remember you and likely think we're making a big deal out of it and that it's a normal phase were people joke around when younger. Except, I wasn't part the game nor of the joke. I was excluded and ridiculed. That stunt part of my social development as the years went by. My skills have greatly improved by now but they have no idea that their actions can make someone feel terrible.

[Andres77]

I completely agree. That’s probably what she’ll say. So I don’t know if you’re going to get closure or more frustrated. Quien sabe?
Pero de pronto ella te va a recordar y tener remordamiento. A ver.
Te deseo suerte si lo hagas y que sigas con exito en tu trabajo.

[Vesuvius87]

It's just a thought for now but yeah at times, I imagine confronting her.

[Bklynbadboy12]

Yes it's to late your giving her too much of your energy forget about her and move on

[Vesuvius87]

True. I wasn't going to do it though (it was just my imagination of if I has that chance) because in the end that would feel as if I were demanding closure. Even if I get it, it'll probably not even be sincere by then. At most she'll probably pretend not to even remember me.

[Bklynbadboy12]

Exactly plus you're bigger than that and you seem like your an amazing young lady just let I go and go be great no matter what she does she can't stop that

[slatyb]

Yes, it is. She's gone now.

[Vesuvius87]

True I should've done that when I saw her during my HS years or at the supermarket right after graduation. Oh well. I'll just have to accept never knowing the answer.
The irony is she's a grade school teacher and director. I wonder how would handle school bullyings among kids.

[RedInnocent68]

No, but sometimes it makes you feel silly.

[Vesuvius87]

Yeah if I were to do that then it'll probably look like the Lance Hindt case. Lance to was a former superintendent. He used be a bully during his Junior High and Senior HS years. One of his bullied victims (whom got bullied worse than me) got into the podium to confront him and he didn't get any closure. Mr Hindt not only ended up denying ever doing it but laughing at him... a man in his now 50's that still found that funny. That sucks.

[Vesuvius87]

Ironically she's grade school teacher and director. These bullies somehow succeed in life and career wise.

[love_conquers_lust]

Nope. I’ve done it.

[Vesuvius87]

What came out of it?

[love_conquers_lust]

I was screwing around on a four wheeler. I had a girl riding on the back with me. I was stupid going too fast and didn't come to stop at road crossing. I nearly got us hit by one of our neighbors. He yelled at me pissed off, I was disrespectful in response.
.

I felt guilty about it for years. I rarely saw him. I saw him at the front to the neighborhood and decided to apologize. He forgave me and told me I was a leader.

. He died of cancer a few years ago. But I'm glad I'd made peace with him before then. I actually felt really guilty about how I'd endangered not only myself, but especially the girl who was riding with me. I felt guilty that our blood could have been on my neighbors hands had he been a half a second ahead in his truck.

I confessed all of this to him. I'm glad I did.

[Vesuvius87]

It's different in your case though. You're the one that reached out towards him. She never reached out towards me so I think I'll just leave that as my imagination of how it would be confronting her.

[love_conquers_lust]

First message:
"Hello XYZ. It's me, XYZ from junior high. I know this is out of the blue, but may I ask you a question about junior high?

If she agrees:
"Did I ever do anything to you that you didn't like? Did you hate me? Why did you want to fight me and then fake a friendship? That experience left me emotionally scarred, which has healed, but I wished to know why because I felt targeted."

Your original statement contained accusations. Whether they're true or not, it's better to ask in an objective manner to see if they have a guilty conscience and wish to confess. If she retaliates defensively, then you'll know she's not over whatever happened between you two.

[ThrillSeeker01]

I understand how you feel.

[Vesuvius87]

I sucks the people that torment you in the past never reach out to you. I'll probably not confront her because she'll likely pretend not to remember me and play dumb, like most do. They move on and we're suppose to magically forget it ever happened, lol.
But it's the scenario that at times plays in my mind. I imagine having a conversation with her and asking her way, then listening. But yeah that'll likely never happen.

[BLP11520]

In this case no it’s not

[Vesuvius87]

yeah I'm not looking for an apology nor care (if so I won't accept it because it'll likely be fake like she did in the past; she faked an apology twice back then) but the why is what I would care the most... the reasoning to her bad, bullying behavior towards me, and why me in particular

[BLP11520]

I see what you mean