I gave some money to my male friends and my husband is angry that I did not consult with him first. I only gave away my money not his money. Plus my friends will pay it back.
I think there's a couple of different things going on. Sure, there are married couples who are not traditional at all. Then you have more/totally traditional couples. I can only speak from the traditional perspective.
1. Your husband is looking to protect your relationship with him and your physical self. If he thinks the other guy is trying to get in your panties or is potentially a rapist type he's going to have a big problem with that. And it doesn't matter if you think the other guy is harmless. Your husband, being a man, is going to be a really good judge of other dudes. Feminists don't like this because they want the freedom to cheat under the guise of "i just want to go shopping with my male friend for 2 days in that town 100 miles away. trust me" and they can't do that if they're expected to be responsible/accountable/ under scrutiny of any kind.
2. It turns out that if you really are into your man you're not interested in other dudes. So maybe your husband is wondering what's going on here. Are you really JUST friends or is there a reason why you are looking to another dude for emotional support, back rubs or whatever the hell you are up to when you're alone with the other dude. But let's say it's all harmless:
3. Maybe it's 1000% innocent from your POV and this guy asks for money. he could still be a con artist. If your husband is like me, he has zero interest in you getting played by a liar/thief. Not just because of the money but because people who run cons are also the same kind of people who would set you up to get kidnapped/killed or whatever if they thought they could make $5 off it. Yeah, some have a hard time believing it but the old wisdom of our ancestors is a saying that goes: if they lie they will steal. if they steal they will kill. Of course these days there's so many liars around that, well...
4. When a guy asks my wife for money, even when I know he's not into her 'like that', I think it's disrespectful. Why? because as a traditional dude I would NEVER even dream of talking to another man's wife in private. Unless we're blood or legal relatives. And even then it's not going to be to the point of me trying to be friends with her. I got a wife if I want a friend. Sort of like you have a husband.
--
A. But back to the money part specifically: you say it's your money. Depends. If you're in a traditional situation and your husband pays 99%-100% of the bills that ain't really your money. It's money you have because you got the luxury of not having to spend your own money on 100 different bills that single people have, especially single people living in a nice home (if that's your situation). Granted, he may be perfectly okay with you spending "your" money on yourself all the time but at the end of the day, don't forget the situation would be different if you lived on your own.
B. But let's say you make a ton of cash and you and your husband share all bills 50/50. Sure it's your money! But just remember everything I said above about all of the different reasons & effects you doing this can have on the relationship or how your husband feels about the security of the relationship.
Always ask yourself what's more important? Your male friend liking you or you being nice to him OR your marriage. For me I know my marriage is more important to me than any potential relationship with ANYBODY on earth. I expect my wife to maintain that too and if she didn't we'd have a problem.
I should add, my wife gives (a little) money to a guy who is a con artist sometimes. It doesn't bother me BECAUSE he's a really young guy & they had an aunt/nephew type relationship that goes back to when he was born. I also knew him since he was a teenager (and now he's late 20s), knew his parents and so on. So there's more of a relationship there than just some anonymous dude. Still, I don't trust the guy 100% so I keep an eye on him in my mind... and if he ever crosses the line he's going to have a major, major problem.
But maybe the above is too complicated for me so I will put it in simple terms. If your husband was friends with a woman the way you're friends with this guy -- I'm assuming your husband never even met the guy -- and you never met her or anything.. and he spends time with her and gives her HIS money how would you feel? Best in a marriage to not do things you don't want your spouse doing FYI
Regarding your update: Yeah you're wrong. It's not even about the money. You're involving this other guy in your marriage business and getting emotional support from this other guy. Your husband is probably really more concerned about that then the money but because you feel entitled to have a relationship with the other guy he just mentions money. Wife & I don't share our disagreements with anybody else because when you do that you give the outsider (s) ammunition to tear down your relationship. Instead we focus on doing things that make our relationship stronger.
Alright I am seeing a few things wrong here.
I don’t know how long you were married or how you were raised. But your husband is completely justified for being angry. He doesn’t trust you and for good reason.
You both need to see a marriage counselor over this. If you don’t this transgression is going to fester and he’s going to resent you for a long time over it. It’s not the actual dollar number he’s upset with but it’s an issue of trust.
At best you might of made a young and naive mistake. But you need to change this behavior because if you don’t more major major problems will arise in the future.
Wait you are 39 and you think this is okay? Okay lady this BAD. Really bad. For a second I thought you were a newlywed in her early 20s or something.
What is this world coming to.
I’m 39 and yes he is a good friend of mine. One of my many good male friends.
How long have you been married? Don’t expect to see that money back. Why the hell is he asking you for this anyway? Tell him to take out a loan.
This is one of many reasons men shouldn’t trust women who have a lot of “male friends”. Funny how women get more of a pass on this bs then vice versa. Much more and men need to stop tolerating it.
Also I meant every point I wrote about above. When you are married you are ONE. Your share resources and money as ONE. Your money is his money and vice versa. And it’s not like you went out and bought yourself a $800 pair of shoes or something. You gavr money to another man without consulting your husband first. And the fact you let this male friend manipulate you into doing that makes me wonder what else you could be manipulated into doing. You aren’t trustworthy.
Consider that money gone. End your friendship with that man immediately and get marriage counseling. Your husband is never going to forget about this. Ask yourself if your won marriage is more important then giving money to male “friends”.
I’m okay if he doesn’t paid me back.
It sounds like you don’t respect your husband much. I wonder what else is going on. I won’t say it straight out but there are plenty of red flags.
You know men do have breaking points and divorces are expensive and painful. But if you push a man far enough he will do it. If he’s considering that, then you are definitely helping him to make his decision easier.
I will make the same decision again if I have to. I wouldn’t care if he doesn’t lay me back. He is a good friend.
Do what you want. And my theory is correct. You have little respect for him and it sounds like you married a simp. You are used to getting away with disrespecting him. Im actually surprised he even got angry at you. Must of been a rare moment.
But even simps are still flesh and blood men who want to be respected. Even they have eventually breaking points including violent ones.
If your husband one day appears in the news we will all know why.
That we are divorced I hope
If he makes the news you will be “divorced” alright. And I don’t see news covering boring run of the mills divorces often. So you know exactly what I am talking about.
Really lady you make me sick. People are going to blame your husband for tolerating this crap (we will see how much longer) but why is it that the woman gets always gets a “pass” to “test” men to begin with? If the roles were reversed you would be looked at as a poor victim. But when the man is getting screwed he’s “a chump”.
Sounds like you care more about what you can get away with vs if it’s even right what’s right in the first place. Seriously, were you really surprised he got angry in the first place? Did you post this question hoping somebody would tell you “oh that’s alright” to protect your precious ego? Deep down a part of you knows that’s wrong. But you will never admit that, right? Admitting fault = admitting defeat, right?
There are CONSEQUENCES to your shitty decisions. They may take a long while but they are coming one day. I hope your husband grows a backbone and does the right thing. It’s better to be alone and have self respect vs tolerating your bullshit.
Just imagine a man posting a question saying “I gave my female friend $10k because she’s a good listener for my problems. Why is my wife angry with me?”
Let’s see how that go over. Really.
Fully understand if it was a joint bank account in which you've agreed to discuss the spending between you, but last time I checked if you work for your own money, and it's your own account, you are entitled to spend it however you choose.
The one tiny caveat I would say is if you guys are saving up for something, and you talked about both not spending large sums, because you have a joint goal in mind, and then you just went off and say dropped 2 grand on a friend and it wasn't an emergency, okay, cool, I'd be upset too. It's a trust thing there and a financial responsibility thing in the relationship because you are in it together, but if that's not the case, see the above, and even still, again, your rmoney end of day, you spend it how you want.
Normal he's angry your money is not your money anymore if you're married it's both of your money. You're not single anymore, you're married anything that you own is his too. That how marriage work. At least that the ways it work with Catholic wedding.
And yes you shouldn't have mend your friend money without him being ok with it because what if you both need it? Are you taking care of the finance or he is?
I am.
Opinion
31Opinion
A woman shouldn't need permission to do anything whatsoever, as far as I'm concerned, whether she's married or not.
Depends on your state. Here in NC, there is no "his money" and "her money". All money is the income of both spouses and is divisible property in divorce.
Regardless, if it was more than a few bucks, the decent thing to do would be to inform him of your plan first. That's not meant to say you need his permission per se, it's just common courtesy in a marriage, I think. I earn 70% of the money in our household. But if I was going to charge more than $200 or $300 on the debit card (and I often do), I'd respect my wife enough to get her opinion on the purchase even though $160,000 of the dollars each year in the bank account comes from my job.
I'd kind of expect my wife to be pissed if I came home and told her I loaned my buddy $1,000, even if he promised me he was going to pay it back (good luck with that) and even though I could say it was money I earned for the household. When you got married, you merged your assets. It's just as much his money as it is yours unless you two have some "my money, your money" agreement. In which case, I'd say he has no expectation that you'd ask him. He agreed that your money was yours, not ours in that case.
Yes. You did three things wrong.
Firstly you should have let your husband know about the contact for money. You may have different finances but you have the same household tax burden.
Secondly lending is never something that should be done secretly or without a contract. Your friend could die or have a change of heart tomorrow and you will be screwed.
Thirdly, you are a partnership with your husband. Money is a big factor in it, and you should be keeping each other in the loop.
I don’t mind if he doesn’t paid me back.
It depends. You two are married so I’m would think that getting married means coming together as a couple in all things, to include finances. Do you two have your own account for just fun money? Plus a joint account for bills? If it’s just your money for fun I don’t think there’s too big of an issue w it. But at the same time I think even if it’s your own fun money account you lent your friend, your husband is more annoyed w it because you lent it to a man. I don’t think he’d react like he did if you lent money to your girlfriend.
One of the most common relationship and marriage killers is money issues. In my opinion any significant money decisions should be discussed and agreed upon. Otherwise there is a chance for hard feelings. Marriages are a team. Money decisions should be a team decision.
@northerngal I agree with you
He has every right to be extremely angry , 10k to " a friend " a male friend with no consultation? Are you kidding? Completely disrespectful to your husband , marriage is a partnership , you don't just shell out cash to others without even discussing it.
You'd be happy if he did the same to an ex girlfriend? You should not have done this , either that or you shouldn't be married , of course he is angry.
You are married. It's not your money, it's the household.
If it was a small amount of disposable income, it's not a Biggie. But it's your friend not his, and now he can start misappropriating funds as well.
It's just setting a bad precedent that you may end up paying for down the line.
Oh dear. This is why men downgrade women for having opposite sex 'friends'.
So you have a male friend, lent him 10k behind your husband back, and every time the two of you have an agreement, you run to your friend 'for advice'.
I'm guessing you'll end up divorced. And maybe you don't care. Your friend will be there to pick up the pieces I assume.
*Disagreement, not agreement
My husband always think that I keep my male friends for his replacement. Maybe or maybe not.
Your husband is the head of your household. Your mind and your body were designed to submit to him, to try to refuse this can lead to painful lessons. This is not only scientific but Biblical.
Submit to your husband's authority and life will be far easier for you.
You are a dude
@Kingofkings1992 no, just a woman who has been lucky enough to have been raised biblically and able to see the way God intended things
I am Christian myself. Husband doesn’t make all the right decision.
No, I don't think so. You are 39 years old and it's your money. I would caution you to avoid lending money to friends, though. It can really complicate things and it's rarely necessary if they are true friends. :)
Wait. Stop. Back up. In the question, you said "male friends" plural and just "some money". But now it's a single friend and $10K. That is a waaayyy bigger deal. Do you make any income? Are you paying $50% of the expenses and bills? How much do you value your husband and marriage vs. this friend? Those are all things to consider here.
"I lend 10k to a good male friend of mine. He is trustworthy and I know him for an every long time even before I met my husband. Every time my husband and I have an argument or disagreement, I go to that friend for advice. He is a very good listener."
This is why your husband is upset.
1. It was $10K (!)
2. It was an old pre-marriage "friend" (!)
3. You go to this "friend" whenever your husband and you fight (!)
4. "He" is a very good listener (!)
This is likely why your hubs is angry and upset.
Yeah it is a male friend. I am okay if he doesn’t pay me back. And yes my husband and I both work.
@princesspd Just wanted to clarify that I am explaining why I think he is upset. Obviously, there is a lot of context that is missing. You could be being abused by your husband, or he is being controlling in other ways. In that case, the context changes again, and a whole other set of things needs to be added. I'm not saying that it is always wrong to do these things or that permission is needed from your spouse to lend or give your own money. I am just saying that, at face value, this may be the reason he's upset. As for permission, no, you don't need his permission, but it may be beneficial to your relationship to parse out what you plan to do and why for the sake of the marriage, if your desire is to stay happily married. Hope that makes sense!
Thanks. 😊
If your Own from Home Money, Honey, Your Own Business But-----Being Married you Know how it Go. lolxxoo
"Every time my husband and I have an argument or disagreement, I go to that friend for advice."
There are some big red flags here. Your attitudes toward your marriage are very unhealthy. And yes, it would piss me off if my wife lent our money to a friend without my knowledge or agreement.
If you want trust you have to prove trust.. When you are open, honest and upfront you are including your partner and thus building trust.
It's not so much asking permission as keeping him in the loop. It's all he asks.
If you have separate accounts then you can do whatever you want with your money. If it is a combined account then I could see his concern.
Connie account lol that why he see $10 transfer.
$10k
It's a combined account? Then I could see his concern, even if it's just from the perspective of keeping track of what is going in and out of the account.
Combine
I would always ask permission. Maybe not if it's a small amount like ten dollars, but with any decent amount I would definitely consult my significant other first.
a That's kind of the part that's left out, is how much was it and is this a friend who really can be trusted to pay it back immediately, because lending a friend $40 is way different than lending them 4K. It's just the thing about being in a relationship, it shouldn't always be what's mine is mine because you're building a life together and that includes finances.
a WOAH, okay I would be upset, even if you knew this person for 10K if you didn't at least mention it...but your money, so you're going to do what you do, but just me personally, I would at least have said to my boyfriend, that I'm lending this money to a friend before I did it and why.
'One of my many good male friends. '
To be honest, the guy should have known better. Now he is left with the consequences. Guys reading this, let this be a lesson to you. One that you should never ever forget!
As long as he doesn't need your permission to buy a jet ski with his own money, then it's fine.
no but it's both of your money bc you're married so i'd be mad too lol
10k is a lot money
m I've never asked anyone permission about what to do with my own adult ass... lol
Your money, your choice what you do with it.
Nope. You might want to mention it to him though, to avoid any future surprises.
Guess what? That money is marital money, meaning it is both of your regardless who earned it. Don't believe me? This is what the courts say during divorce.
In a marriage you are an unity. And his money is your money and your money is his money. Besides before important decisions the couple discusses together.
Well if you find yourself short for your half of the bills will your husband have to pony up?
It all depends how you work your finances.
Depending upon the amount. If it was several hundred? Then you really should have at least said something to your husband.
@spartan55 I saw the 10K update! I am really getting tired of reading about her problems and her promiscuity. If in fact. They are real!
When you say your money, how is it earned and held?
You're in the wrong. You should have asked your husband first.
I only lend my male friend 10k. He is a good friend of mine.
No. Depending how much, it’s likely appropriate to consult to the extent you bank/spend together.
no, you do not need permission to do anything. You are an adult. One might argue, you should at least let them know, but you Absolutely do not need permission.
If it was strictly your money you didn't need his permission.
You don’t need permission but i would’ve given my husband a heads up
u So your marriage is not a partnership?
Omg. I have to side with your husband on this one.
Whats yours is his… consult first. Bad.
Was it a big amount?
$10k
Well that's quite a large amount unless you guys are filthy rich , spouses must discuss financial decisions with each other at least when the amount involved is huge, in my opinion
ig thats not how marriage works..
Another troll post 🙄
Mutual decision
Another troll post 🙄
No I don’t think you needed permission
If your assets are shared it's legally required
Yes you do.
Nope
Absolutely you do
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