Should my mom tell her grand daughters why their mom left?

[art84]

My brother and his ex wife divorced last year after 7 years of marriage. Both of my nieces were 6 and 4 years old when it happened. My brother's wife had cheated one on him three times during 2019-2022 and each time he took her back like nothing happened. It was only for the girls as he didn't want them living without a mother. Now the girls are 10/8 and can't visit since their mom gives my brother every Thursday and the weekend for 2 hours. I heard my mom saying that one of these days both our nieces will come looking for us when they are older. She wants to tell them the truth about why things happen. I just don't think both would understand cause they never wanted nothing to do with us when they were younger. They always preferred their other grandparents (ex wife) since they lived with them now. If the girls ever came to my parents house and wanted to see us, they would be welcome though I would probably be curious about what happened during those years we didn't see them.

[Rei02]

Too bad that the law has been on your brother's ex side. If she had cheated on your brother (and 3 times, gosh), then he should have had the custody of the girls instead of her. Maybe the state gives the mothers the custody by default no matter what they do, or maybe she had a trick hidden in her sleeve to get the custody while your brother has to do the visits.

Unfortunately the only ones who can tell them the truth are their own parents. People outside their family core will just be seen either as gossipers in the best of the cases or as people who wants to seed fear, doubt, treacherous thoughts which will make things worse in their family.

[osmanthus]

I always figured it's the father's call on whether or not his kids ought to know why he divorced their mother and not so much the relatives. Who knows? Maybe the kids sympathize with the mother, anyways, for whatever reason despite her behavior. Still, it's usually not the place of relatives to intervene in the clearing of the facts of a situation—especially since they were not directly involved. You may offer your place to stay to this girls and welcome them into your home, should they need shelter or else a shoulder to cry on but in no way can relatives act without express permission from both parents as psuedo parents.

[art84]

I believe my brother has talked with the girls about why things happened. Maybe the mom gave her own story as well and the girls sympathize with her.

[osmanthus]

Could be the case... we can't control people's actions or thoughts, anyhow. People cheat on their marriage partners for various reasons and sometimes it's all to easy to cast blame on the presumed offended party without considering other things that possibly weren't told or revealed or else considered about a situation. For all we know, his wife could be manic depressive or a drunk or a litany of other things that in those moments would have made cheating unavoidable.

[osmanthus]

Conversely, too, maybe your brother had things going on as well that aren't really savory topics at the dinner table. Whatever the reason, sometimes, it's better that they sort things out themselves with the kids.

[art84]

She had mental disorder (Autism) plus would go drinking with her friends after work. Can't really blame her for how she was, she was downright crazy and miserable in the relationship.

[osmanthus]

Very possible that could have been partly the cause of the cheating; autistic parents have their own set of challenges that neurotypical parents would likely not see as a challenge. An autistic might find it hard to live in a residence with loud children or else kids that like to touch them or else the person might use alcohol as a way to drown out the sensory stressors which consequently lead to her cheating on her partner. We might not say it's the healthiest or desirable way to cope with life's challenges but then again most people aren't autistic or married to one.

[gorydetails]

Why would your mom want to hurt her nieces that way?

[art84]

I don't know though I overheard her saying about telling the girls the truth. The girls don't even talk to us when they visit and bringing back old memories would make them sad.

[noohair]

Be humane and civil.