Was I wrong to leave the house because my wife always sides with my mother and relatives?

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

Before you get too alarmed, there's no talk of divorce or the like.

Basically, after my mother and my father's widow made fun of me, my wife said to me that she understands my reasons, but I should be a bigger person, swallow it up and not talk back because I have to respect both my mother and my father's widow, and never go against them and yada yada.

I just quietly argued she always takes their side, especially my mother's, because she has this obsession to get along with them, and I don't like the person she becomes when she wants to be in their big girls club.

She didn't budge, kept droning about how I should just nod and smile like she does, at that point I just shut down and instead of fleeting into the rages I used to years ago, quietly packed my little emergency kit, checked up on the children, and drove off to my grandfather's house (ten minutes away), leaving her a text I'd be back in the morning. She tried to call me and I didn't answer, she didn't even knew I had left and just texted me "I messed up didn't I" and I replied with a 👍.

Let's make it clear, I was calm but I am f*cking furious that I'm always talked down like a kid, in my own house, and my wife has the gall to defend that behavior from them and basically insists we have to bend backwards for them.

Updates

3 mo

I did return home in the morning, before she even woke up. Made breakfast, fixed up the children and we talked a bit while taking them out for a walk since it was a warm day.

She apologized again but unexpectedly she brought up past incidents that I has even forgot about where she thinks she failed to stick up for me and she thinks she had been disloyal.
It hit me because I didn't even remember some of those things, and she even brought up a big thing from the past that I have forgiven ages ago

Updates

3 mo

but apparently she didn't forgive herself for.
I reassured her that I too did my fair share of dumb crap, we are humans after all, but she said she spent the whole night thinking about what happened and didn't want me to feel like that ever again.

As an aside, she asked me to never leave the house like that again - if I want space I can have it and the house is big, I can use another room. But she doesn't want the children grow up with the image of me walking out, and on this I agree with her.

Updates

2 mo

It looks like it stuck.
My mother started making one joke too many, and my wife shut her down for once, told her she didn't find it funny at all.
It was priceless seeing my mother backtracking on it all.

[AmandaYVR]

I asked a q on here once, long ago, about whether it was better to stay in an argument and try to finish or resolve it, or if it was more optimal to walk away and reconvene at another time. One rule can't be applied to all, but I wondered how it would poll. The vast majority believed it's better to stay in it.

When arguing, do you think it's better to take walk away, or keep going?

It's fine to walk away sometimes. Particularly when we predict things will only get worse, and it'll be hard to come back from those words spoken. I think you were ok to leave.

It's not clear what happened, here. You've basically got three women ganging up on you, but in a playful, teasing way. And though that's not pleasant, it might not be a big deal, something to get too ruffled over. This is kind of what people do in groups, or with allies of a certain type. You end up coming off worse if you can't take a joke or some teasing or ribbing.

This guy gives some helpful advice on this:

https://www.youtube.com/embed/BSXoI9MDvU0

And I wouldn't focus much on being "disrespected" in your "own house". That's a pretty old gendered thing that doesn't apply in today's world. People get insulted all over the place. Has nothing to do with location. Although at a party celebrating someone is a valid exception that most people abide by. That time is hands off.

The real issue here is that your wife sides with your mother, and she admits that she is not loyal in this way. And that's a big problem, yes. I don't know what you can do about that, but keep telling her, "This is not okay". This pattern can become seriously entrenched, and that will make for a long and unhappy marriage, so it has got to be nipped in the bud sooner rather than later.

You see them three days per week? That's a lot. There is such familiarity there, it often lowers inhibitions. So, good luck with that. Maybe shove them out the door if this keeps happening. But don't try to rely on being 'the man of the house' kind of thing. That will probably just make them double down on it.

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

I understand your points.
To be honest, I have no issues with some friendly ribbing, up to a point - they went on even after I had made my disconfort clear. Laughing with someone should stop the moment they stop laughing.

Giving credit where it's due, my wife did stop laughing and tried to change the subject with them. It's only after, privately, that she said it was just fun and not take it seriously.

You are right and I understand that huffing and puffing like an offended peacock probably elicites more hilarity and I shouldn't rely on that.
And perhaps I shouldn't take myself so seriously, but it still hurt that she admitted in choosing my mother over me. That stung me as disloyalty.

They are often over because they help with the babies, and I admit I do take advantage of that.
I'm also happy to have them over, most of our interactions are positive and healthy - but still, I'm not willing to be put into a corner by simple rule of minority, because they are three women and I'm the lone man.
I don't want to be put on a pedestal either - which admittedly they do sometimes.

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

I mean, you know I've been surrounded and put in minority by women my whole life, every home I've had was a woman's house.
I think my feelings are a bit justified.

[AmandaYVR]

Women fall into groupthink more than men do. Hate to say it, but it's probably true. They crowd-source, get others' opinions quite often.
And groups of like people are emboldened by the safety of the group. Which personally makes me sick. It's so weak and pathetic.

You know one thing I like and notice about you? You do give credit where credit is due. Very, very often. It's part of your psychological makeup, or maybe more likely, your philosophies of life. It's really commendable.

I don't know how you can improve this situation, but they need to lay off you. I would not be surprised if there are 'backroom meetings' about you, when you are not around. Ugh.

[LazerBean]

Do the old bags live with you? If so it may be time for them to hit the road.

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

No, they have their own places, but they are there at least three times a week.
I told them already that I don't mind having them around, but to at least behave. On their own they behave well, but when they are together it's like having a bunch of mean schoolgirls.

[LazerBean]

Yikes, well I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe you should remind your wife that being close to in laws is irrelevant if it's at the cost of a good relationship with your spouse.

[bolverk]

OK, you did the right thing, it is a waste of time arguing with women, just walking away gives them nothing and is one of the most powerful things you can do when dealing with women, that same applies to the not responding to your wife's phone call (personally I'd have extended that to the text as well), s it showed that you were not happy with her disrespect towards you by siding with your mother and father's widow, Every-time they start with that same thing say nothing just leave, they might eventually catch on that they have committed a social faux pas, but I would not hold my breath.

[bolverk]

From your last update you've seen the power of just walking away - Use it wisely..

[OlderAndWiser]

Bottom line is that your wife is disrespecting you and not being loyal.

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

Disloyal is the right term.
She even recognizes this, she says she knows she often "chooses" her over me.
I told her to work on it then, because it does feel like a betrayal at times.

[IslaTheWitch]

I would leave the older ladies for now.

Try to explain to your wife that you don't look for her advice but for her support.

I understand she wants to be accepted by your family, and it's fine. But she doesn't have to keep her guard up in conversation with you, she can simply be your wife. But you know, without voicing your emotions (without blaming) and describing situations you don't feel comfortable with nothing will change. People can't read your mind...

[DextroShade]

Your wife should always support you against other people even if they are family; if she disagrees with you she should bring it up to you in private and never join others to gang up against you. Sounds like you held frame and handled the situation well, just make sure she knows her place for next time.

[Anonymous]

You need to grow up but you also need to drive a wedge between your wife and her mother.

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

The problem is that it's not her mother, is my mother. But somehow she always takes her side.

[NathanDavis]

well... this is much better than having a rage fit, so yes...

[Jamie05rhs]

You did nothing wrong. You were entirely justified to leave.

[Jamie05rhs]

Aww. I'm glad you guys were able to have that talk. That's good. 💜