Is the mom or the daughter wrong?

[Anonymous]

I have a coworker that I'm friends with who is an older woman. She has a teenage daughter and a toddler. She was venting to me about an argument she had with her teenage daughter. Basically the teen had made herself food but didn't feed the toddler while the mom was asleep. When she woke up she was upset because she said she felt like her teen was selfish and her teenager argued that it's not her responsibility to take care of the toddler. So my coworker said that she decided to stop spoiling her teen. She used to give her an allowance of $150 a week and take her on frequent "mother daughter" dates where they would get their nails done or go to a fancy resturaunt or something. She also said that she would take her daughter shopping a few times a month for expensive clothes and shoes and that had saved money to get her daughter a car for her 17th birthday which is coming up in a few months. She said that since that situation she felt like her daughter was selfish and didn't deserve to be spoiled and she has just been taking care of her basic responsibilities as a parent hoping her daughter would see things her way, giving her food and shelter paying her phone bill but no more luxeries. But her daughter has been acting distant and staying in her room or having random attitudes, rolling her eyes or just being snarky. So she said she will talk to her to tell her teen why certain privileges were revoked but she is hurt because she felt like her daughters response and anger at having her luxuries taken away showed her that her daughter only wants things to go her way and she feels like she is selfish. So who is wrong in this situation?

[Oliverlogan263]

Hmm, this is a tricky situation. I can see both sides of the argument here, to be honest.

On the one hand, the teenager does have a point that it's not necessarily her responsibility to feed the toddler, especially if the mom was home and asleep. As a teen, she's probably starting to want more independence and autonomy. So I can understand why she would feel frustrated if her mom is suddenly taking away all her privileges and luxuries just because of that one incident.

At the same time, the mom isn't totally out of line either. As the parent, she has the right to set boundaries and expectations, especially when it comes to the younger sibling. If she felt the teenager was being selfish and neglectful, I can see why she'd want to enforce some consequences. Giving a teenager $150 a week and all those extra perks is pretty generous, so I get why she'd want to scale that back.

I guess the bigger issue is the way the mom is going about it. Completely revoking all the nice things she used to do for her daughter, without really sitting down and having an open discussion, is probably just going to breed more resentment. The teen is already acting distant and snarky, which is understandable if she feels blindsided.

Ideally, the mom should try to have a calm conversation with her daughter, explain her perspective, and see if they can come to a compromise. Maybe reduce the allowance or shopping trips a bit, but not take them away completely. And have the teenager take on a few more chores or responsibilities around the house to show she's willing to contribute more.

Overall, I don't think either one of them is completely "wrong" here. They're both just trying to assert their own views and standards. But with a little more open communication and willingness to meet in the middle, they could probably find a solution that works for everyone. The mom shouldn't have to feel like she's being taken advantage of, but the teen also deserves to have her feelings and need for independence validated.

It's a tough balance, but I'm sure if they approach it the right way, they can work through this. What do you think? Where do you see the main breakdown happening?

[slatyb]

Most likely it's the mother. She's supposed to be the adult. If the relationship isn't working, it's probably because she hasn't been listening to her daughter for a long time. Perhaps she's been consistently negative when her daughter does make an effort, so the girl has given up trying and tuned her mother out.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

If she’s treating her to mother-daughter days and giving her an allowance in exchange for her daughter being a second mother to her younger sister, then it’s not a privilege. It’s a paycheck.


I can understand that the burden of parenting is heavy, but if you take away privileges because your eldest child won’t parent in your place, that makes it pretty clear the expectations placed on that teen and from the sound of it she’s not only picked up on that but greatly dislikes being put into a parenting position for her sister. I imagine she’s going to get close to a place where she’ll want to move out and leave it behind, and I don’t think anyone can blame her.


A real world example: My roommate, now age 28, has a younger sister with an 11 year age difference between them. Her parents also had her as a third parent for her baby sister when she was a child, having her take care of her baby sister whenever they couldn’t or didn’t want to for whatever reason. The sisters are very close, but she absolutely hates her parents. She considers her mother to be incredibly negligent, her father isn’t any better, her sister is alive and thriving now because she made a point of breaking that cycle of abuse for her sister’s sake. She moved out at the first opportunity, buying her own home with money she worked hard to save. Now she’s planning on moving out of state and selling the house because living in the same state isn’t far enough. This could very easily be your coworker’s future.

[Nikki1989]

I would take the mother's side on this.

[In_Trance]

They're both knuckleheads