How to help my brother who’s 32, single and been jobless for 3+ years?

[beenherebefore]

This is extremely frustrating. My brother has always been a great student, he has a degree in computer engineering but after he graduated he didn’t have any intention or put in any effort to find a job until one day he was contacted through LinkedIn by a recruitment agency and got his first and only job. He stayed in that job for a few years, shared an apartment with a friend but shortly after COVID-19 he decided to take a three month break from work and resigned from his job. Moved back to my parent’s house and been here ever since it’s been more than 3 years. He never had a girlfriend and all he does is sleep until 12PM and plays video games. Doesn’t pay any bills and has zero drive and ambitions in life. I live abroad and have my own life and family but this bothers me so much because I think my brother has so much potential I just wanted him to have some motivation in life and get what he deserves. My parents are both in their 60s and about to retire and worry about what’s going to happen to him when they pass away, my dad is concerned he might end up living on the streets. A few weeks ago my parents pressured him to find a job and he started crying saying that he has zero self esteem and confidence to go to work. When asked why he said he’s previous manager used to put a lot of pressure on him. We suggested therapy but he refuses, we suggested helping him find a job but he refuses, he refuses every attempt from us to help him. This situation is draining my parents. He keeps BSing them saying that he’s been applying for some jobs but no one looks for a job for three whole years without finding anything. As a big sister what can I do? How can I help him when he refuses everyone’s help?

[HollyK21]

You should do the same thing I did with my 31 year old sibling and wash your hands. Trust me when I say that I know what it’s like to try helping, motivating, and pushing them into bettering themselves and being hit with every excuse in the book as to why it can’t work out. It’s so frustrating to see them not doing anything with their lives and living off our parents but we also have to understand it’s our parents at this point.


No matter what they say, at the end of the day they still enable him and he knows that as long as their living he has a safety net. He’ll always be fed because mom/dad cooks, always have a roof because they would never even dream of kicking him out even at their most fed up. He will always have his basic necessities because they need to have theirs: electricity, water, etc. They can’t even cut off those resources to motivate him without spiting themselves. So until he gets tired of living off them (which he probably won’t since he’s a user) or they buckle down and stop enabling, there’s literally nothing you can do.

[beenherebefore]

what do you mean by washing your hands? did you intervene to change the situation?

[HollyK21]

Washing my hands means removing myself from that situation mentally and emotionally. I did everything I could trying to help my sibling change their situation and would repeatedly be hit with every excuse why they couldn’t. My parents only enable that behavior despite how much they resent and worry about it. There’s only so much you can do until you recognize that your sibling must be ready to change and if not then your parents must stop enabling him. Neither parties are ready to do those things, so at some point you must accept it, focus on your own life and hope that they just get tired of living that way and it invites change.

[beenherebefore]

Have you seen any changes so far?

[HollyK21]

They lost their job due to Covid in Feb 2020. Their excuse for not looking for jobs that year was because their old job was supposed to reopen, but they confirmed they wouldn’t reopen as of August 2020. Since then it’s been nothing but excuses and unfortunately, no change. They were supposed to enroll in school last year but never got their fafsa stuff sorted and it never really got discussed again. Earlier this year my fiancé’s aunt (who we are very close with so she knows what’s going on with my sibling) forwarded a job opening that was literally perfect for my sibling. It was exactly what they were doing at their old job but with more pay and even more flexibility, however it was about an hour drive (with traffic) and my sibling doesn’t want to put that “wear and tear” on their car. Constant excuses and I haven’t tried with them since then. At least not in that way.

[beenherebefore]

My biggest fear is he might end up homeless.

[HollyK21]

Could you genuinely say your parents would ever allow homelessness to happen? Never, not while they’re alive at least. He has to really want this change, for himself and your parents absolutely must stop being his safety net. He feels no urgency to change because he’s comfortable and despite your parents complaints they’d never let him go without the bare necessities. Hopefully as he gets older he’ll start to feel the impact of being jobless and lazy, like not being able to get a girlfriend that shit will get lonely and embarrassing at some point.

[beenherebefore]

I doubt my parents would ever allow that to happen at least while they’re still alive, but what’s going to happen when my parents are gone? The house they live in is a rented house, they do not own property. I live abroad with my partner and have my own family I never helped him financially he never asked me to.

[HollyK21]

God willing, you have several years before you have to worry about when they’re gone. It’s up to your brother not to wait until that time comes. In any case you can’t be more worried about something than the person going through it. It’s his well-being that will ultimately suffer if he doesn’t get his act together. He needs something to actually happen in his life, a personal impactful experience to make him change. Maybe that will be a woman that he really likes turning him down because he’s nearly mid 30 with nothing to his name. He should eventually feel bad about that.

[beenherebefore]

Sadly I think he will never find a woman. In 2025 what kind of woman would be interested in a guy who’s jobless, broke and lives with his parents? Not to mention that he’s socially awkward I doubt he’s ever been on a date.

[HollyK21]

I hear you, my fear is the same. We worry about our siblings well-being but can’t worry about it more than them. I hope they receive a wake up call because you’re right, a woman probably won’t take interest in someone who lives how he does, and hopefully that’s make him want to change.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

There’s not much you can do except let him fail. He won’t respond without pressure at this point and it sounds like your parents attempt to keep him off the streets is what’s keeping him from doing anything. So let him fail, tell him if he can’t find a job - ANY job, even working as a server or just doing a shift at McDonald’s - that he’ll be kicked out within a month and on his own. He’s a legal adult and your parents have the right to say he’s not allowed on their property. Maybe if he just gets an easy job it won’t be so difficult for him to find some drive and do something for him.

[Levin]

'tis a bit of a cliche, but it sounds like he needs to hit rock bottom. There will come a time, perhaps soon, where has to make that ultimate choice whether he wants to live or not. Plus it sounds like your parents have been enabling him. If they were tougher with him from the start and gave him an ultimatum, it wouldn't have gotten to this stage. But that ship has no doubt sailed now, now he's gotten into this sorry state. He needs to take responsibility for his life. You ultimately can't make anyone do anything.

I think you have to understand also, that he's no doubt sunk to such a low place, that the basics are now extremely difficult for him. It's going to be extremely tough for him to dig himself out of this hole.

[beenherebefore]

Is going to be beyond difficult. I can see the struggle and I wonder if it’s possible to get out of it.

[Levin]

I've been there so can tell you it's possible. Lots of people have been through pretty bad things and have an awakening of sorts.

[beenherebefore]

At what age did you realize you had to do something?

[Levin]

20..

[bowenw]

It's not up to you. It's between him and your parents. They will likely aren't going to pass away for many years. They should treat him like a tenant and charge him rent. Give him 30 days notice that rent is due on the last day of every month starting June 30th. They may have to sell their home and move into a place for seniors when they cannot manage for themselves and let him fend for himself. He is an adult and needs to start acting like one.

[beenherebefore]

Do you think I should stay out of this?

[bowenw]

I do.

[beenherebefore]

I feel really helpless.

[bowenw]

I understand, but there isn’t really anything you can do other than make suggestions to your parents.

[bowenw]

Thank you for the MHO. 😊

[wkhan_87]

Help him for starting his own business besides of private service job.
Help some financially

[beenherebefore]

I suggested that and he refuses.

[wkhan_87]

Than ask him what he wants for living

[beenherebefore]

He doesn’t have a reply for that. Whenever we pressure him he’s really closed off and shuts us down we cannot get anything from him. Whatever we ask or suggest the answer is simply NO.

[wkhan_87]

It's very dangerous for his future. I hope best for him

[wkhan_87]

And I can understand your worries

[beenherebefore]

it’s sooo dangerous and frustrating. me and my parents feel so useless.

[Danny_dan92]

Tell him to man up

[beenherebefore]

I agree but he doesn’t seem to want to. Seems like he’s okay with ending up homeless.

[Danny_dan92]

Well… might as well prepare for his funeral then. Cause it’s a matter of time

[In_Trance]

You have to stop giving him handouts

[beenherebefore]

what do you mean?

[In_Trance]

Do you lian him money?
Buy him food?
Alcohol?
Drugs?
Video Games?
Give him rides to places?

Don't do that

[beenherebefore]

My answer is NO to all those questions. I never supported him in any way shape or form, he also never asked me for money.

[In_Trance]

I don't see what the issue is then. Go live your life

[Anonymous]

i'm going to assume your brother is a virgin too

[beenherebefore]

I assume the same. I'm not comfortable asking those things.