Feeling distressed after mother has accused me of mistreating her and said this is why my professional life “is not working out”?

[Anonymous]

My mom is a bit emotional and takes everything I do very personally. I am the opposite and I don’t really like being the centre of attention or feeling under her surveillance. Last time we talked, she accused me treating her differently in the presence of a sibling (which was not the case and I would have had the same reaction if alone). Then she proceeded to give me a strict warning not to “do this” while she’s here. I still don’t know Why she assumes I act differently around her 😂

Then she went further and escalated the argument ranting about the way I treat her in “general” although I persistently asked why she accused of me something I didn’t do. Then she started dishing on my professional life (which I rarely share any details with her and she knows it is a temporary contract). She said things weren’t the way I like because of the way I treat her. This is beyond disappointing. How can a parent be so manipulative and guilt-trip you using your work life? It is true I had some slip ups at work but these were private and I only mentioned them to my dad so she must have listened or something. ( she usually eavesdrops on my conversations with people) and is not ashamed to tell me because we live in the same house).

I was accepted into a PhD program in fall so if I don’t secure a job by then I have that option and I won’t have to live with my parents anymore

[slatyb]

Great. Then you should limit contact and establish clear boundaries with your mother. If she makes derogatory comments, end the conversation. Hang up the phone. Walk away. Do not meet her in locations where it will be awkward to do that. If you do this consistently, she will change her behavior.

[Asker]

Unfortunately we still have to live in the same house for a few months. I have this month where I can spend plenty of time in the office and then one month or two. She’s quite persistent and gets my dad involved somewhere to coerce me into apologizing. I don’t want to do it

[slatyb]

Get the hell out as soon as you can. Is there anywhere else you could stay? With a friend perhaps?

[Asker]

Hmm I don’t have someone living alone like that. Only way seems that I enroll in grad school in fall. Or I get just enough income to move out but that doesn’t seem possible with the amount I currently earn.

[slatyb]

Even with a roommate?

[Staximus]

You can always stop being a bum and move out

[Asker]

Really? I did not think of this myself 🙄

[Panthero80]

What kind of PhD program will you be in?