Is it fair to end a friendship if he prioritizes dating over me?

[MissSunshine2]

He’s gone from meeting up for lunch to squeezing me in for drinks during weekdays that suit him, while he goes out for dinners with random women he’s picked up online. Also, he said that he might be too busy to meet up with me on the only days I’m free for my two weeks of work placement. The message generally being that he’d rather spend all his money on taking random online women out for dinner than carve out one day for lunch or dinner with a friend who’s always been there for him.

Updates

1 mo

I ended our friendship.

Updates

1 mo

I told him we’ll just be acquaintances and that once I graduate next month, I’m going to start seeing other men. He seems like he’s upset about it, now I’m gone. Which surprises me.

[MartinKlingac]

You definitely made the right call It hurts when someone you've always been there for starts treating you like an afterthought just to chase people online, but you deserve friends who actually put in the same energy you do I just gave you a follow, would appreciate a follow back!

[Alex-Snow]

Uggg a friendship is something to be cherished! But he obviously likes sex (I do also but not at the risk of loosing a close friend). Were you ever intimate with him? Did he ever want more than a friendship with you?

[MissSunshine2]

No he didn’t.

[Alex-Snow]

Ummm what are your plans? Is it worth talking with him?

[MissSunshine2]

I talked it through with him and he tried to pencil me in for next week Thursday to talk about it. Which proves he’s more interested in sex than making time for his friends. So I ended our friendship.

[Alex-Snow]

Sorry to hear about the loss of a friend. It is his loss not yours. Is he around your age? I'm a horny 21 yr old and love sex as much as any guy but friends are forever!!!

[MissSunshine2]

He’s around my age.

[Alex-Snow]

It sounds like you are a far better person than he is. Hang in there and move on I guess.

[MissSunshine2]

Like I said to him, I get to move on to friends who value and appreciate me and he gets to hook up all the time without friends wanting to see him and getting in the way.

[MissSunshine2]

So everyone wins in the end.

[Alex-Snow]

You are the winner in my mind. You can do better!

[MissSunshine2]

Thanks 😊

[nastyb]

@MissSunshine2

I think you're making too much of a huge fuss about it. Like he's your husband cheating on you or something. Friends come and go in life. This is just the reality. That's why people look to get married, so they can have a permanent family. He is a smart man for wanting to look for a wife at his age. He understands that If doesn't look for one now, marriage might never happen for him.

[Alex-Snow]

ty for the mho

[Zack-Bann]

Funny way of saying you like him but would rather play games for some odd reason.


You wanna know why he would rather spend time with online women?
This might come as a shocker:
HE MIGHT GET TO SLEEP WITH THEM.


If you made it clear that friendship is all you have for him then he treated you as a friend.
Friends don’t meet up religiously, they do it whenever they can
And friends aren’t exclusive either and both can hang out with other people.


If you wanted all that then you probably should have dated the guy


Either way this ended the only way it could have

[MissSunshine2]

Well actually I did ask him out. Lots of times.

[MissSunshine2]

So I clarified that I was interested and from time to time he’d do things like ‘almost convince himself’ to kiss or sleep with me, or to commit. Just to keep me on the hook. But I was stupid for staying around for so long.

[Zack-Bann]

That changes things.
I thought you friendzoned him.
It seems like he friendzoned you.

And if so you did the right thing getting rid of that drama.

You can’t be friends with someone you have feelings, or lingering feelings for.

They will resurface from time to time to cause pain.

If he couldn’t choose to be with you effortlessly then it wasn’t meant to be.

We’ve all been there.
It’s gonna be ok.

But do yourself a favor and keep him out of your life.
No need to be fighting about it, but just stop making time for him whenever he asks.
You’ve made it clear what you wanted and he has to respect that as well

[MissSunshine2]

Yes, true. I just can’t be his friend. Otherwise I won’t move on.

[Finchie40]

Unfortunately yes it is fair , because he is clearly looking for a relationship with someone, so that’s why he is going on all these dates with random girls’ , so by you just being his friend , you should be supportive of him and happy for him hoping he finds someone. Just because he isn’t spending a lot of time on you like he was before , it doesn’t mean he isn’t your friend , and that he doesn’t like
You anymore , it just means he is looking for a partner someone that loves him the same way he loves her, and my advice to you , is you should do the same. So you won’t get lonely and frustrated when your friends’ don’t have time for you like you want them to. Find yourself a partner and you won’t be lonely anymore

[choco-latte]

I mean if he’s dating trying to look for a serious relationship or trying to find wifey, then yeah… it should be understandable that he prioritizes his dating life. If he’s just looking for hookups, then I can understand why you feel that way.

[MissSunshine2]

He’s just looking for hook ups

[Smileygirl2000]

@MissSunshine2 why is that any of your business? You're not his wife or his girlfriend and you don't own him. You don't know what his goals are and he doesn't have to tell you.

[MissSunshine2]

Agreed. He’s been trying to shelf me for two years and he can date and screw around and lie about it if he wants and lie about his feelings if he wants, but not on my time. Which is why I walked away.

[MissSunshine2]

Being put last on his list of priorities and treated with even more disrespect was the final straw.

[Smileygirl2000]

@missunshine2 that's your problem not his. He's not interested in you. He's actively searching for a girlfriend/wife. You need to accept that the woman he wants isn't you and move on. And sounds like you like him more than a friend. When he gets married what are you gonna do? Get mad at him and his wife for the attention she gets? He's doing the right thing by PRIORITIZING the women he wants to be with. And it's not right you're trying to force him to be with you. He doesn't want to

[MissSunshine2]

I stated that our goals were different, that being friends with him was distracting me from moving on and finding a life partner and I let him go. That was hours before your current message.

[Smileygirl2000]

@MissSunshine2 he's not distracting you. You have to take accountability you let this go on for 2 years. Don't prolong the hurt. He's showing you where his priorities are and it's to find a woman he wants to commit to. So if you're going to be his friend then be his friend. If you want more just know you're not getting it here because he doesn't want to be with you

[MissSunshine2]

I just told you, I’ve moved on. He’s the one that despite his ‘looking for a wife;’ and ‘not wanting you;’ is refusing to give me time to move on by insisting on attending social events I attend knowing I’m trying to move on and acting jealous when I said I plan to start seeing other guys. I think he must’ve told you a warped version of this situation. I dumped him as a friend because he decided to neglect and disrespect me as a friend. Friendship requires mutual respect. Then I realised I wasn’t happy just being friends and decided to let go and move on. He begged me repeatedly and implied that he wasn’t dating seriously, nothing happened etc he loves me, etc. I only tried to smooth things over which is far more grace than he frankly deserves, because he insists on turning up at places where I am as I said.

[MissSunshine2]

The fact that he’s involved a third party in this and clearly lied to try to bully me into being his placeholder until he ‘finds a wife;’ will only make me more convinced that I’m doing the right thing by seeing other men.

[Smileygirl2000]

@MissSunshine2 he doesn't want to be with you. He sees you as a friend. You keep lying saying he's your friend and telling him that. So no he doesn't want you. He just assumed you two were friends and you haven't moved on because you're posting about it and mad that he doesn't want you. Stop lying so much. You're too old to be lying like a kid

[MissSunshine2]

I thought I could be his friend even though he cheated on me with someone else when we actually were dating at one stage. Basically you’re receiving a different version of the story.

[Smileygirl2000]

@MissSunshine2 that's not cheating lol. he's dating until he meets the woman he wants. That's why it's called DATING. Do you know what DATING is? But he showed you, that you weren't his ideal woman. He's still searching for that dream woman he wants. So he saw you as someone he doesn't want so he friend zoned you

[MissSunshine2]

He agreed to exclusivity with me so yes it is

[MissSunshine2]

Get your facts straight before you start passing judgment on others.

[Smileygirl2000]

@MissSunshine2 okay? Then why would you stick around for someone who you claim cheated? You look stupid. Then he's showed you long ago that he doesn't want you. You keep sticking around. That's your problem. You're not getting any younger

[MissSunshine2]

and you’re not looking any more mature 😊

[Smileygirl2000]

@MissSunshine2 end of the day he doesn't want you and never will. So lol cry about it

[MissSunshine2]

End of the day you and he are trying to bully me into something I don’t want-a one sided friendship and to be used as a placeholder.

[MissSunshine2]

and I’m telling you what I told him. NO. So get that into your head.

[RavVid]

With male female friendship there is still guy girl dynamics and it can be an ersatz boyfriend/girlfriend relationship but just minus sex.

I think you have to be ready to step back if a romantic partner comes into the picture. Or even just dates.

You should want your friend to be happy and if a romantic partner is what they want, you need to accept they need to shop around i. e. date. It is sort of inevitable they will have reduced availability.

Not going to lie it can hurt a little.

[HawkPerception]

Most people eventually prioritize spending time with their partner over friends. It's what most of us technically aim for in life. It's natural that someone spends more time with their partner than a friend. A partner is someone who's potentially with you for life, is the person you share most time with, is the one you're physically intimate with, and may potentially have a family with.

Ending a friendship because they're doing what's natural is wild to me. The fact that you think they should prioritize you over dating tells me you don't quite understand the natural course of life and can't handle the fact that people go their own ways eventually.

[ohsheeT]

Well none of my business but at least your paying attention

He doesn't know it but he's showing you who he is.

But if you want more you have to say something.

If your just friends then he can do what he wants.


I started to answer this as if there might be more but then I saw friendship..

I think on your part you kind of upset that he's doing that because you want it to be you and if that's the case you have to say something

[MissSunshine2]

Already did. He said he wasn’t interested.

[ohsheeT]

Wow even as a friend ? or you did want more, and he didn't

[MissSunshine2]

I wanted more, he didn’t and he led me on for two years while he dated and screwed around because he liked the attention. Now I’m trying to move on and he won’t commit, but won’t leave me alone and keeps trying to feed me breadcrumbs.

[MissSunshine2]

The other side of it is that I am at fault for not walking away earlier.

[ohsheeT]

But if you walk away right now with out a word then one day he does have to make a choice. A real choice how many days can he really be happy in life with out you contacting him

And by not contacting him he will see you made your choice

He knows that you love him. He knows he can have his cake and eat it to because he knows you will contact him

[MissSunshine2]

I’ve stopped contacting him and my choice wasn’t made to make him commit. He’ll never marry me, so I’m cutting my losses and moving on while he looks for a wife.

[ohsheeT]

I think that's a very wise choice

And I always say that because I have read your questions and your answers and you kind of paint a picture of yourself and this today is just a learning experience you were meant to go through this to go on to the next experience

And I always say you have to acknowledge something and accept it to move on and it sounds like you've done both

But I will tell you this one day in your life he will come back into it create drama because he will know what he walked away from and then you have to make another choice did you learn anything or not

[MissSunshine2]

Yes, walking away is the ultimate commitment temptation for the commitmentphobic men.

[ohsheeT]

It's not so much that they are commitment phobic its true in some cases

But most of the time they find a good women and then the universe test in to see who he is and to prove who he is to the good woman

By putting other women in front of him and letting him make choices when this happens he becomes in a world of his own and thinks that he has that gift and all it is is a test because that gift disappears in time after he proved his point who he is by doing the things that he does
And one day there will be no women
And that's when he will look back at you and knows that he blew it

Just like you you are put in a position to believe in yourself and your boundaries and you will be rewarded to it he won't be

[ohsheeT]

Or maybe it was wrong for the both of you so he does his own thing and he finds somebody you did your thing because of who you are and you both find somebody just not each other

[MissSunshine2]

You were right. He came back and offered me what I wanted-a relationship that ends up with marriage. I was caught off guard. What should I do? He’s texting me on a second number but it’s him, he was wearing a t shirt I got him for Christmas in the photos.

[MissSunshine2]

I blocked his second number. He came clean and said he was just trying to keep me around but has every intention of marrying someone else instead.

[MissSunshine2]

So I decided to start seeing other people

[ohsheeT]

Yes see that's a typical guy tells you what you want to hear just to keep you around so nobody else can have you but he wants to still go out and do what he wants to do instead of doing the right thing and being committed those are the type of guys you don't want to be around he wants his cake and eat it too and you would be the one that suffered in the long run

Yes I think you're right start seeing other people because until the day that he actually commits

He's going to keep doing what he's doing and even when he does commit

It's not going to be 100% legit

I believe he's the type of guy that when growing up didn't really have opportunities to date and all the sudden he came into himself for whatever reason

And he has it easy with women kinda right now but those days will catch up to him and everything will stop again and that's when he will come to you again

[NathanDavis]

I mean, you do you... you don't have to be friends with someone you don't want to be friends with... that's it

however... this is quite normal

I prioritize my personal relationships over my friends, and my friends do the same with theirs, so...

[FreyaRed]

Male friends disappear often for a while because of fresh relationships but not for too long.
From male reference point it's always beneficial to have a female friend to create competition pressure on their partners or to brag with them among other guys.

It's temporary.

[midnightmoon05]

I hope you find a best friend to hang out with. or have a boyfriend or husband.

you can’t be his mom…and you are not his gf…

he has the right to go out and do what he wants with his money or time.

why are you hurt?

friends are not like this.
I would support my friend who is out and about having a good life… as long as they are not harming themselves or others.
if they want/need my advice I’m there… otherwise I have my own life as well.

[Account]

I wouldn't give much of a fuck. They are my friend, not my partner, they don't owe me that much of their free time.
It is normal that when people are in a relationship they spend more time with their partner compared to their friends.
To me it is common sense even though I have the habit of balancing that shit. It doesn't work the same way for everyone and some people prioritize their partner, I don't care that much about that.

[sage2021]

You should be prepared that if he does happen to find a woman and ends up in a serious, committed relationship, he might spend all of his time with her.

I believe that the two of you need to sit down together and have a conversation and go over exactly what the ground rules are for your relationship, because they seem to have changed.

[AviatorTom]

You made your decision but I'm confused. If you were just friends, why should I bother you that he also makes time in his life for others?

Sounds to me like you consider friends only if they put you first. That's not the way friendship works.

[FunkyMonkee]

Not to put you down but, all he's getting from you is friendship. If having a loving mate he can make a family with is one of his big goals, shouldn't that come before friendship? Of course, he's still gonna love what you two have together and probably won't end it just because he found a great lover but, how would you feel if you were looking for a love and he was forced to take a back seat to that for a while?

[WhitneySnow]

It is, but I get the feeling you like him as a friend and you’re jealous of these random online women

[MissSunshine2]

I’m pissed from not feeling valued enough, mostly. The way he said he’d see me basically if there were no better offers.

[WhitneySnow]

That does suck. I would drop him as a friend and rule him out as a romantic partner too.

[MissSunshine2]

I did both. I had to be really specific about what he’d done wrong so he’d get it. Then he started trying to suck up to me. Which I ignored. I think it’s best that we just remain acquaintances.

[WhitneySnow]

Good! You did the right thing

[WhitneySnow]

Every guy gets upset when you cut them off. They realize what a wonderful person they lost. Doesn’t mean they really liked you.

[MissSunshine2]

True. If they could change things, they’d be just as arrogant as their past selves, but sneakier about playing you.

[WhitneySnow]

Yes!!!

[MrChinaski]

It is fair to end a friendship for any reason or for no reason at all.

That said, the behaviour you describe is normal. People often prioritise romantic interests.

[MissSunshine2]

It’s not normal when they do it all the time. Where they won’t even have lunch with you anymore, but they insist on staying friends. What kind of a friendship is that?

[Drumlin2001]

You sound like an awful friend. He wants a relationship, he's trying to find someone and you want him to stay single for your benefit. You should be happy for him

[MissSunshine2]

You can’t stay friends with someone you’re in love with. That was holding me up from moving on.

[iNeedAdvicePlss]

Girl he wanted you and now that he has other women satisfying that romance side, he doesn't care anymore. Id say it's 100% valid

[MissSunshine2]

The thing is that he didn’t want me and now that I’ve gone away, he seems upset, if it was anyone who hadn’t said they hadn’t been interested and that their signs of interest were games, I’d say he was jealous. But I’m not moving on to make him jealous. I just want to move on for my own good.

[iNeedAdvicePlss]

I think you should still do it

[MissSunshine2]

I will go ahead and make the effort to move on. 😊

[ArrowheadSW]

Yeah I can definitely understand your frustration. I see in your update that you ended the friendship. How did he respond to that?

[MissSunshine2]

It’s not a jealousy thing. It’s more of a respect thing. I had to be really specific, so he’d understand. He took it well but has been trying to suck up to me by logging onto WhatsApp and reading my texts really fast. He also plans to attend the social group I go to. I expect he’ll try to suck up more in person. I think maybe that it’s best that we remain acquaintances. I keep getting annoyed with him and he really screwed with me by saying he’d tried previously to kiss me not out of attraction, but because he was scared of losing my friendship, which I found insulting as well as unhealthy.

[ArrowheadSW]

Odd situation with him. And he plans on attending the same social group just to "win you back"? Let us know what happens.

[MissSunshine2]

Yes, to win me back as a friend. Then when he had me back as a friend, the plan was to continue to squeeze me in at a time that suits him for a few hours and spending all his lunches, dinners and his primary focus on random women he’s picked up online. He looked and sounded bored when he was around me. Like I was just a time filler until something better came along.

[MissSunshine2]

Okay then. Yes, I will 😊

[slatyb]

Maybe you should just schedule regular meetings, once a week, once every two weeks. You can't expect more than that.

[MissSunshine2]

That’s what we were doing. I’d be squeezed in for an hour for a drink and then he’d disappear. No time together, no chats, no food.

[slatyb]

Then you were right to end it. Best wishes for the future.

[Screenwriter]

Sounds like this is where he is in his life now. If his friendship is important, give him some leeway and leave him alone. If his friendship isn't that important, you can call it off and seek companionship/friendship elsewhere.

[Nikki1989]

You deserve friends who value your presence and respect your time, not people who treat your loyalty as a given while chasing shiny new distractions. This is common behavior among men.

[AngryCarl3]

Actually it's common behaviour among humans.

[blshbnz]

Just talk to him about it but do you have a liking to him? Maybe he just wants to find somebody to date and just sees you as a friend.

[Smileygirl2000]

Why should he prioritize you? If he wants a relationship/marriage with a woman they need to be prioritized not you.

[Smileygirl2000]

Why dont you have someone? Seems you're lonely and expect him to be the same

[MissSunshine2]

Because I’ve been studying. My one mistake was sticking around so long.

[Smileygirl2000]

@MissSunshine2 well at least you admit it. But yeah I'd move on and you're saying friend which is misleading. Don't say friend yet want more from him. So I'd move on

[MissSunshine2]

He said relationship and then cheated on me months ago. He said yesterday he’s got romantic feelings for me then backtracked and said friendship. You don’t find that confusing? He’s done that right throughout our ‘friendship.’

[MissSunshine2]

But yes especially knowing he’s sent his little sister to try to bully me into believing I don’t deserve a friend or a partner that respects me is going to be fuel for me to move on.

[exitseven]

This is a problem for a lot of people. my best friend was a lot better looking than me and always had lots of girlfriends. I resented this but I just put up with it because maybe I would be doing the same thing.

[RingOfFire]

Is friendship or any relationship really a matter of "fairness?"

You don't have relationships with people to be fair, you have them because you want them. That is a matter of personal desire, you either want the relationship or you don't. Would you want him to be in friendship with you that he didn't want to be in just because that is what would be fair?

[Anonymous]

people around your age tend to prioritize getting married and starting families than hanging out with friends. Generally speaking, if you aren't married by 40, your chances of ever getting married is pretty low for the rest of your life.

[jshm2]

LOL, you really think "friendship" means anything against finding a life partner to raise a family with?

How many heads you got, kiddo? Or do you really think you are hot shit?

[MissSunshine2]

I think I’m worthy of more than being used as an option while he dates and screws around.

[MissSunshine2]

I am not hot shit. Neither was he, but I am high value.

[Anonymous]

So you only want to be friends with him if he is single? Seems like you don't want to be friends, but more than friends? Or perhaps you want him as a backup option for a boyfriend?

[MissSunshine2]

No I love him and I’m trying to avoid him but he won’t go away, keeps turning up at my social group. He won’t commit and he won’t leave me alone either.

[MissSunshine2]

I’d rather be alone than use people as backup options.

[Opinion Owner]

Then why did you tell him that you were going to start seeing other men and not other people?

[Smileygirl2000]

@MissSunshine2 he's clearly showing you he doesn't want you. He's actively searching for his wife. You need to move on

[MissSunshine2]

Agreed which is why I said goodbye to him. He’s the one who won’t go away.

[MissSunshine2]

Anonymous, I said I’m seeing other guys because he’s said he’s not interested. I asked him if he just doesn’t like me enough to commit and he said nothing which I interpreted as yes, which means I need to respect that, move on and see other people who do return my interest

[Smileygirl2000]

Because he sees you as a friend. Nothing more nothing less. On top of that you claimed to be ok with being a friend. He doesn't want to be with you. I think you're confusing his thoughts of friendship with your desire to be with him. @MissSunshine2

[MissSunshine2]

I think you’re being sent in to do his dirty work for him

[Smileygirl2000]

@MissSunshine2 you have issues you dont listen you're damn near 40. Please grow up and get a clue. You're like mentally in high school. He's not OBLIGATED to be with you move on

[MissSunshine2]

You don’t have issues? You’re trying to fight a grown man’s issues and stick your nose into other people’s business with no knowledge of the situation.

[Smileygirl2000]

@MissSunshine2 omg he dodged a bullet. You posted it are you like mentally slow? Omg lol 😆 yeah he can do better and Thank goodness he seen the red flags. You are mentally off

[MissSunshine2]

Whatever. He’s the one begging me for more chances.

[spartan55]

Why would he put you ahead of dating? You aren't giving him anything.

[Clara4567]

You did the right thing, if a friends disappear when he met a possible partner he or she is not a good friend.

[Sickworld]

You need to see that men are all about sex. Their mind is occupied. There is nothing you can do about it.

[Sickworld]

Men’s brain is focused one thing only they cannot do multitasking. Like Women think of sex, monkey, vacation, family all at the same time. But men are like only sex or only carrier or only family or only friends only only thing at a times.

[OneViewpoint]

You can end a friendship for any reason you want. And self respect is a good reason.

[AngryCarl3]

No, he has a right to his love lfe. But if his friendship isn't important to you by all means end it.

[Laulenke]

Well to be kind of fair here you say it’s a friendship so he really doesn’t have to schedule his time with you on your days off
Now if you were having a real relationship that’s a different matter

[Shiprex]

It is perfectly fair for you to prioritise yourself over him

[Anonymous]

If he's not getting sex from you then you have nothing to complain about.

[Starlux]

I was definitely frustrated when I almost lost one of my best friends to someone who was far too focused on their relationship instead of me.

[Iron_Man]

You have to talk to him about it and see if he changes

[Karlick69]

It sounds like you are in control and getting what you want as long as you communicate about it, get off this app and get your' love life.

[Markella83]

Good call he could potentially ruin future relationship you have.

[The_Wolf_2002]

Sad to hear this maam
You should be priority 🙂

[lightbulb27]

yes, it's not worth your time is it.

[OlderAndWiser]

How do you think he should prioritize you?

[pearlshelledfairy]

Your true soulmate will never cheat on you.

[_Jenny_]

@MissSunshine2 Yes it’s fair, move on girl

[Ariesman81Nshiiit]

Hahahaha... jump.

[canamlusciouslad73]

He's a boy. That's how most of us operate.

[PeterLegg91]

Told you before you babe fuck him off

[DishLady]

Yes.

[DishLady]

A lot of guys now follow the philosophy that they can “catch” a gal if they show up with a gal… so they do… but the one they show up with is just a prop, like having a wingman. The guy doesn’t value the prop, doesn’t care if feelings are being hurt, etc. if he’s aiming for a high-level date he’ll aim for a high-value prop… but you’re still only a prop.