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How to Create Attraction with a Woman

Attraction is tension

This might seem simplistic, or may even sound foolish, but you’d be surprised. I promise that understanding this will forever change how you interact with women.

Don’t waste time thinking that what women SAY they want, and what they actually respond to are the same thing. Attraction isn’t about her rules, her expectations, or what she thinks she wants, needs, or deserves. Too many women end up with jerk-hole boyfriends for me to continue to believe such nonsense.

How to Create Attraction with a Woman
How to Create Attraction with a Woman

If you want to give a woman butterflies, just like you’d feel when you’re about to jump out of a plane, or moments before you give a big speech, then you must understand that attraction IS tension.

Without tension, there can be no attraction.

What is this tension we feel when we’re attracted to a woman? Tension is defined by the space between where you are (e.g., meeting a woman for the first time) and where you want to be (e.g., in bed with her).

This electrified space between reality and fantasy is tension. Tension is the necessary corollary of attraction. This is why you don’t want what you already have: the space between wanting it and having it is gone and tension is lost. On the other hand, wanting what you have no hope of getting also makes for negligible tension. If a woman is super hot but unattainable, there can be very little tension created between you.

Most men are attracted to a woman based entirely on how she looks. Be careful here: if you’re driven to date women simply because they’re beautiful, you will discover that attraction based simply on looks doesn’t last, because the tension between you cannot be maintained.

Show me a beautiful woman, I’ll show you a man who’s tired of f***ing her.
~from the movie Perfect Stranger

You might be saying “but Robby, I’ve always hated tension because it feels awful, so won’t it make her feel awful too?” The reality is that tension isn’t necessarily good or bad; tension is just a feeling we feel. It’s how we interpret our tension that makes it good or bad. If you anticipate something good happening, then your brain will label your tension as good. If you anticipate something terrible, then your brain will label your tension bad and seek to diminish it.

Creating tension is a fine balance of keeping up a sense of mystery and unpredictability about yourself, as well as maintaining your personal boundaries, while ensuring that your girl does not interpret the tension she feels as a warning sign of possible danger.

This is what flirting is about. Teasing her, confusing her, pulling her in with jokes and stories, and pushing her away by teasing her and with playful banter. It’s your job to create a tone of comfort while being unpredictably playful.

This creates tension. This creates attraction. Just as a comedian learns to build tension leading up to a punch-line you must learn to build tension when leading a girl into your life.

Attraction is applied resistance

Tension is created when a force is applied; that force is resistance. If you give your date exactly what she wants, all of the time, you are effectively killing her attraction for you.

Women are not attracted to “nice guys” because nice guys actively try to rid themselves of tension by endlessly agreeing and apologizing. What nice guys don’t realize is that attraction is tension. The attraction that a woman feels for you is her emotional anticipation of who you are and how she expects you’ll make her feel.

How to Create Attraction with a Woman

Attraction is an emotion, and is therefore, generally-speaking, out of our conscious control. As dating guru David DeAngelo says, “Attraction isn’t a choice.” Just as we have instincts to Fight or Flight, we have instincts to Fuck or Chuck. If you understand that a woman’s attraction to you is based on a kind of instinctual feeling, you’ll be 99% further ahead than most other men.

Your job is to build a woman’s interest and anticipation by letting her know how fun, honest, sincere, intelligent and caring you are, while also giving her some resistance to gaining full access to you. This resistance is the tension she’ll enjoy, and the basis for her growing attraction to you. If there is no resistance, either because you’re unavailable (married, gay, uninterested) or because you’re overly available, (nice, transparent guy with no boundaries) then any attraction she may have felt for you simply dies off.

Building tension

We don’t want what we have; we want what’s just out of reach. Give a girl what she wants, without resistance, and you’ll extinguish her attraction. If you tease a woman by interchangeably giving and withholding, you build tension and attraction.

Relationships often fail when those in the relationship get exactly what they want when they want it. Give a woman perfect certainty and her desire will fade; give a woman hope and uncertainty and she’ll want you forever.

Let’s look at a pick-up line that doesn’t work because it doesn’t create tension:

"Wow, you have the most amazing eyes I’ve ever seen… wow, you’re so beautiful. Can I buy you a drink!?"

Why don’t beautiful women respond to compliments? Because you’re not the first guy to notice she has beautiful eyes, or amazing hair, or great legs. The fact that you think you’re the first guy to compliment her will communicate to her that you’re just like every other arrogant, hotheaded guy.

When you drown a woman in compliments and put her on a pedestal, you’re displaying low personal value. Beautiful women desire resistance from men but rarely get it.

How about using the following twist on an otherwise unsurprising compliment:

"Wow you have beautiful eyes…except for the left one. (*wink*)"

If you can make a woman laugh, she will link her pleasure with your company. Pull her in with humor, but push her away a little too:

"Wow, you are so beautiful! You’ll make all the other women jealous."

Teasing like this communicates to a woman that she’s desired, but can’t use your vulnerability to walk all over you. It’s this combination of pushing her away and pulling her in that creates tension and tension is the core of what builds and maintains attraction. Tension-creation in the context of dating is the game of seduction.

Tension do's and dont's

Here is a list of things to remember to build good tension with a woman:

    • DO talk slower. When we’re nervous we unconsciously start to talk too quickly. Some people even stutter. Take a deep breath and simply allow the tension to exist without you needing to reduce it. If you talk nice and slow, women will perceive you as a calm, cool guy, rather than a nervous wreck who she can write off.
    • DON'T laugh too much. Uncomfortable laughter is our body’s way of releasing tension. This might be a good thing if you’re trying to avoid getting punched in the face right before a bar fight, but it will not go far when trying to seduce a woman. Don’t be that guy who laughs at his own jokes, or who laughs more than everyone else. Learn to accept and appreciate the added tension that not laughing wildly or inappropriately brings.
    • DO speak clearly and with authority. If she has to say “what?” because she didn’t hear what you said, then you’re letting tension slip away. Speak clearly. For full effect, shift from loud to soft depending on the story, but always make sure you are heard. This will force her to sometimes listen more carefully. Changing between louder and softer tones will help build a woman’s interest and attraction by requiring her to interchangeably focus when you speak more softly, and relax when you speak more loudly.
    • DON'T react emotionally to any nervousness she may be displaying. Be calm and composed. By remaining calm and smiling comfortably you’ll inspire her to relax and to feel calm as well. It’s an unconscious way of leading her: if you smile, she’ll smile; if you’re calm, she’ll feel calm. She might be high strung, and the more into you she becomes the more she’ll become bouncy, high energy, and nervous. When you’re composed, it’ll communicate that she doesn’t make you nervous. This will help lead her to believe that you’re confidant and of high value.
How to Create Attraction with a Woman
    • DO hold strong eye contact, at first. When we’re nervous, we unintentionally break eye contact. Don’t do this when you first interact with her. It’s okay to look around casually, but be sure to keep strong eye contact whenever suitable. It communicates that you are confident.
    • DON'T fidget, rock, or bite your nails. We all have nervous habits, which help us to control the tension in our bodies. If you want to lessen the tension of a situation learn to breathe deeply and control your own behaviors. Meditation is a great tool for developing the skill for calming your own nerves. Calm your body using meditative techniques, not by relying on off-putting nervous ticks.
    • DO give her your total attention in short spurts. When we focus our attention on a woman without breaking eye contact it has the potential of making her feel uncomfortable. It’s more useful to give her your total attention in short spurts, so that she can experience the pleasure of your undivided attention, but also the pleasure of its release. This is another instance of keeping it fun by creating a rhythm of push and pull.
    • DON'T apologize for everything. Apologizing too much communicates to a woman that you’re insecure and require her constant approval and/or forgiveness. Women don’t want emotionally needy men: learn to control and deal with your own insecurities.
    • DO keep strong, positive, and confident body language. When you move slowly it will indicate that you’re composed and confident. This helps her to relax and shows her you are confident despite the tension of the situation. Pay attention to how you stand, sit, and generally move. When you’re nervous, it will show, and you will transfer your nervousness onto her.
    • DON'T lie. Sometimes we feel that the truth will create too much tension, but the reality is that unexpected honesty creates the best kind of tension.
    • DO watch Ocean’s Eleven. If you want to learn about powerful, confident male body language, rent the Ocean’s Eleven movies and watch how Brad Pitt and George Clooney carry themselves. The goal is to always be comfortable and relaxed in all of your body movements. Move slowly and deliberately, even if it feels forced and overly-dramatic; the more you do it, the more natural it will feel.
    • DON'T hide yourself. Sometimes we become intimidated by those around us, and in an unconscious effort to avoid conflict and tension, we shrink ourselves. Instead of hiding yourself, build your courage and express yourself. Take up space. When sitting with friends, let your arms and legs fill your personal space. Take up room. Make your person matter.
    • DON'T frown or sneer. If you like what you see then smile; it’s friendly and nice. The guy who doesn’t smile is creepy and unfriendly.

Robby writes a blog about relationships at FullOfHateAndReadyToDate.com.

How to Create Attraction with a Woman
Add Opinion

Most Helpful Girl

  • shortansweet1923
    I love ur articles they're great 2 read &see if how you portray women & how you see them if its true & it us for the most part. The biggest thing in the article that I'd like to point out is: "If you can make a woman laugh, she will link her pleasure with your company. Pull her in with humor, but push her away a little too" This is the most attractive thing you can do in my opinion because humor is a personality trait that has to be there for me & the push/pull is good because it means your not "easy"
    Is this still revelant?

Most Helpful Guy

  • bobair
    Hey Tiger, feel free to message me directly, I don't mind. And you may be right, she may actually be into you. But ask yourself this... why is she not responding like a normal girl who's into you? Either she's "playing games" in an effort to make you chase her, or she's not really interested.

    Either way do you really want to waste your time chasing a girl who's crazy or into games and control? You might catch her but she'll always be trying to get away. Booooring! Best of luck dude.
    Is this still revelant?

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What Girls & Guys Said

  • bobair
    Lovelylife - it's hard to say. There's plenty of guys who do the right things simply because they enjoy flirting and bantering with an attractive women - but without the intent of future escalation.

    If he's really into you he'll escalate. If you're really into him, and he's not making a move, then perhaps you should escalate. Push the point until he either backs off or marries you. :D
  • bobair
    If they smile, hit you and laugh, or otherwise keep talking to you, then it's okay.

    The key to teasing is this: Tease a guy where he's weak (make fun of his skinny legs) and tease a women where she's strong (make fun of her expensive purse.)

    When teasing girls, make sure she's super confident about the topic, or you could hurt her. Don't tease a fat girl about being fat, tease a super model about being "average." Know the girl and her strengths first.
  • bobair
    Hey Tiger - let me ask you this... would you reply to an email if a girl you thought was cute sent it to you? My guess is no.

    So if she didn't reply to your first email then you've made a grave mistake emailing her again, because she's already displayed "disinterest" in you. If she was interested she wouldn't play hard to get, she'd flirt and interact.

    So she's not interested, simple as that. Sorry cause that sucks. Ignore her and give her space and focus on girls who give you their focus.
  • bobair
    #2) Good question. It all depends on how well balanced you are as a person. I will often see women chasing men who are like their dads simply because they want the approval daddy never gave them. Or they want the security daddy used to provide.

    Attraction isn't a choice and I guarantee your attraction for men of the same religious beliefs happens WAY before you know what religion they are. His beliefs are just your "logical" reason for liking him but it starts somewhere in your feelings first.
  • bobair
    Here's my answers..

    #1) Confident men will often find women like yourself attractive and fun to flirt with. This doesn't mean he wants more than playful banter. Basically he's just not that into you, OR he's not available and therefore can't escalate. I'm unsure how you might think this is an ego trip, so stop.
  • bobair
    When guys tease other guys we pick on their insecurities - "Hey bob, nice belly, fat boy." Criticism actually helps the masculine man.

    But with women it's only fun if you tease her where she's most secure. So if she's super secure and she dresses well, then you tease her about dressing poorly. Or if she's super fit then you tease her about being eating too much.

    Or if you don't yet know her then you tease her about something generic... "Wow, that's a super huge purse... got a gun in there?"
  • bobair
    Men and women always date within their "social value" range. So you simply won't see a woman of "high value" (social status, assess to resources and money, physical beauty, high self-esteem) dating a man of "low value" (awkward, ugly, no resources, low-self esteem).

    But the mistake most guys make is that they think their job and physical appearance dictates their value, which is totally wrong. Any guy can improve his self-esteem, social status/calibration/skills, or his "fun" vibe!
  • bobair
    I don't really think there's such a thing as a girl who's out of my league, but I used to.

    I DO believe that some women simply aren't my type, or visa versa.
  • bobair
    The only real "hot girl" is the one you want to be with.
  • justathought
    Question #2 - Even with all of the people out there, do we still tend to gravitate towards a certain type of person that reminds us our our mother/father or someone that has certain ethnic qualities or other beliefs that we share? I'm asking because I always tend to be attracted to someone with the same religious or ethnic background as myself.
    • Attraction is sub conscious... formed in childhood, father and mother likely strong, could be other influences like teachers, movies, music... something emotional. There's other aspects as well like certain personality disorders fit with certain types.

  • LaBrownEyes
    I'm dead, is this still a problem for people? It's really not rocket science. Its simple. Were human it's built in us to connect or want to. Laugh and show love/affection. There's someone for everyone. Be you, if it's not working they're not for you. End of story.
    • you think in our terms. guys have it harder. hell even some girls have it hard due to poor socialisation into childhood, or bad parents' relationship etc. also people on the spectrum that dont get social cues.

    • I'm not arguing who has it harder. But in the end its the same process. There's no secret or magic tricks. Some people make things in life complicated for no reason.

    • Plus you act like everyone who not having a hard time didn't have their own issues social or not to deal with.

    • Show All
  • Mollynotgemma
    Magnets... we are drawn to the person we have the most tension with. Why be with someone who just lets you be you! Be with someone you fell nervous about and when you get close the tension is so much that you overcome that space (like magnets) between you
  • tts1980
    I was wondering if one can be polite when teasing or does teasing usually involves rudeness to a certain extent? Sometimes I tease my girl friends and they responded with "You are so rude" in a playful manner and with a smile of the face. Is that okie? Or have I gone overboard?
  • TigerRoseBear
    If you want to know how I know she likes me, you can see this:


    Read the description and the updates.

    So I do know she likes me. I just think she's playing hard to get.

    Anyways, thanks a lot, Robby. :)
  • TigerRoseBear
    She also didn't reply to the first one - she just said the next day that she wasn't sick when I said to her, "Oh, you got better already?". So will I get really better results if I ignore her more when I next see her (Saturday)?

    Because of the e-mails, she probably guesses that I like her back. I don't think she knows that I know that she likes me.

    I think that she plays hard to get a lot of the time.
  • TigerRoseBear
    ... some interest in me (well she seemed to have had lost some interest in me the day after I sent the e-mail saying get well, and she claimed she wasn't sick, even though our coach for the sport and another adult who was with her on Monday said she was really sick). Oh, I sent the e-mail on Tuesday after she didn't show up to training, and she showed up yesterday. After training yesterday I sent the other e-mail asking if she got the shoes that she forgot yesterday. She hasn't replied to it.
  • TigerRoseBear
    Great article! I like this girl who I know likes me back, and I think I may have come on too strong - I sent a couple of really nice e-mails in the past few days to her (even though she never gave me her e-mail address - I saw the address in a group e-mail sent to like 20 people at the end of August), one saying get well, because I heard she was sick, the other asking if she got her shoes from the front desk at the club we train at for a sport (she left them there). She seems to have lost...
  • justathought
    Thanks for your answers! Very helpful! If your work hasn't been published, it should be!! You were spot on about the father security issue. I always felt safe around my dad. He was strict but gentle and I melt around tough, street-smart guys, which is not always a good thing. RE: My crush - sad that he's not that into me but I'll live. Not sure if he's involved with anyone but it kind of sucks to flirt with another girl if he is IMO. Thanks again! You're awesome!!
  • justathought
    This is an awesome article! Well written and well thought out tips. I have two questions for you bobair. #1 - I like this guy who is a confident, alpha male type, who has shown all of the flirting signals. In particular extended eye contact and now he's on my mind 24/7. He must have read your work....lol. Anyway, he's hooked me in but is not making any real moves, i.e. asking me out. Is he a player or on an ego trip or what?
  • haleyb
    I love this article- I wish more nice guys knew about this truth. (BUT bohair's clarification about the push-pull thing is really important). Women like nice guys, but that doesn't mean we like guys who give us everything we want and bend over backwards to help us. Be a little selfish, have your own life. Stay nice and sweet, we love you for that, but don't give everything away in the first five minutes of conversation. Great article, just had to add my version lol.
  • Brando
    I get you. So take yourself out of your shoes and assume for a minute you are asexual. Knowing what you know now, do you think there are leagues to guys in general? (And again, not for you but male population) Sure there are the guys who count themselves out because he thought a girl was too good for him, but for the "normal" guy are there leagues?
  • RelationshipXpert
    Don't try and be too safe around a woman. When you can push her buttons, then you can begin to create sexual tension with women and this is what will get you past the point of being just another guy and into the field of being a man that she dreams about.

  • jackiejean
    I actually like this article. It's more of a self help article to make a man more confident about himself, and women, than a guide to manipulate. I think it is true in some areas but some areas are false. Overall, it should be helpful to men to become the confident men they should be, when it comes to the opposite sex. :)
  • Living-the-ADvenTURe
    Very good! My first boyfriend did the mistake of not creating any tension and I ended up seeing him as a friend only with no attraction. You have many very good points and I happen to know your advice is accurate.
  • levantine99
    usually highly neurotic, or cowardice guys dont handle this tension well. for you we have to look hot to spark attraction in you. its visual. to spark attraction to us, we must think highly of you in some aspect. confidence, tension handling etc.
  • Uprising
    What do you mean by, "tease a guy where he's weak and tease a women where she's strong"? What's the difference between guys and girls when it comes to 'offensive' comments?

    Besides that - great article! I've noticed that there are a lot of things that are similar in this area betweet guys and girls, what's written here can be also for girls about attracting guys, or there's big difference?

  • bauer
    If you have to think about all this attraction and sh*t, you're just a worthless loser guy that has too much time on your hands. Get a life. Seriously. Then you won't have to think about women. And they'll flock to you. End of story.
  • stormbreaker06
    or you can just slap her

    How to Create Attraction with a Woman

    women love a man that slaps her. it makes her feel very submissive.

    She always runs back to him
  • ryryryan
    I think this is largely a non factor and women are attracted to physical qualities and perceived success or talent (career or skills). This kind of interpretation is true in the first meeting and shortly thereafter, but afterward u better least have a job and a good body, or sometimes just have money, or just a body... Tension? Who needs that
  • man32
    Man this is brilliant and eye opener. After reading this article and acted like what its mentioned here gave a rebirth and resuscitate the attraction lvl of her in me. Kudos mate!!!
  • lovelylife
    So Bobair if a man does all these things and creates all this tension with a women and doesn't make a move are you saying he's just not that into you? So more or less his playing the girl correct?
    • he could be practicing, building social skills, or just other options better at the moment, or he drops the ball.

  • Brando
    But do you believe in the whole "in/out of my league" thing?

    Of course the hot girl is the one you want, you're attracted to her so you think she's hot.
  • kcm_05
    I hought this article was supser awesome! I seemyself doing this with guys and creating attraction beyond looks. it can get pretty intense to say the least...
  • MaverickAngel
    Awesome article - a lot of it translates into female attraction too... (as in creating tension with a guy)...
  • kussmaulk
    HOLY CRAP you are so right that is how it does happen I have had so many experiences I can relate to now since reading this and it makes perfect sense!!!! Thank you for wriging this article!!!
  • magiam
    Hey bauer, if you got all the answers then why were you reading this site in the 1st place?

    Nice article, I think you're helping a lot of us guys 'unprogramme' the damage years of Hollywood movies have done. "You mean not every woman wants some bumbling Hugh Grant type who wants to rush to the altar??" :)
  • MmaTender
    just giving some props, well thought out article. Definitely see the Deangelo influence. Good stuff man keep it up
  • mikethemasterdater
    Become a master of the NEG and you are 80% there.

    Hey buddy I like your articles they are very intelligent. Sorry that a couple of angry girls gave the article a bad rating. Lot of hate on this site.
  • TigerRoseBear
    Well we know each other pretty well, and see each other/talk to each other about 4 times a week. I know for sure she likes me.
  • Brando
    I read somewhere in there about a hot girl that's unattainable. I assume this means you believe in "leagues"?
  • atheistaredumb

    if not you are fucked that simple

  • shyapples2
    I would say any girl that you would call “unattainable” isn’t worth your time and that’s not based on looks and it’s important to be yourself more than anything
  • latinabutterfly96
    Good article.

    Except when you said that you’ve seen too many women ending up with jerks. You’re implying that a guy needs to be a jerk to get a woman. Not true whatsoever.

    This take is pretty accurate, and it’s surprisingly accurate for both sexes. Men also get attracted to women in this way, if it’s meant to be a long lasting relationship. An excessively agreeable and submissive woman will one day get tossed away for another one who’s more confident in her own skin.

    At first men will be attracted to a woman based on her looks. But over time, she also needs to create tension. Most women actually DO this, which is why you don’t see so many of us struggling to get a boyfriend. Because we understand what this is about and how to get it.
    • they end up with jerks cause good guys dont live up to the task. also because men judge us by the loud minorities. they notice the patterns of the hot girls that they crave not the nicer girls.

    • There’s a misconception. Some believe that a good guy has to worship the woman. But I believe a good guy is a man who respects me as well as himself. Other men are confused by these two different guys. The believe the latter are “soft assholes” when in fact they’re simply normal guys who value their own worth

  • sicko6969
    “We don’t want what we have; we want what’s just out of reach.” I see this a lot with boys who’re desperate for pussy but never get it 🤷🏼‍♀️👏 they think they have a shot, but I’m saving my coochie for my husband and nobody else. Sure, I’ve had human urges to fuCK, but I ground myself. Maybe since I’m strict about it and elicit strong feelings about wanting love and not lust, the immature ones decide to leave and that’s fine. I have seen how boys and some men act when they take a woman’s virginity; some get super close to her and emotionally manipulate her into thinking that they’ll be together forever and then they leave lol I hope that never happens to me or I’ll feel like a dirty and used rag! Shit happens, but it doesn’t NEED to happen 😂
  • rjroy3
    1. Be 6'4
    2. Be Channing Tatum
    3. Jk, good post lol.
    4. Ocean's Eleven, solid movie.
    5. How did you vote yourself MHO for yourself? lol
  • ameliajp
    "Beautiful women desire resistance from men but rarely get it." YES
    and tension is everything.
  • tigerlily19
    Wow. I totally agree with everything in this article.
  • SwoleCook
    So many post about “finding women out” just stop dude. You don’t want to figure women out. And you can’t even you wanted too. Women don’t know what they want. Ever.
  • TheUglyMan
    More blue pilled crap you completely ignore subconscious attractive which is what you need the most. What creates sub conscious attraction looks money status.
  • Pejtu
    its laughable what u are writing here :P
    thats not how it works ;)
    i know what im talking about