Dating an Unambitious Guy

Anonymous
I’ve been dating a wonderful guy for 3 years. We’ve been long distance for the last year, as I’m overseas, but I’m moving back soon.

He recently graduated from college, and to give himself a little break as he planned his next move, he moved back into his parents’ house. I had almost no problems with this. He had applied for an overseas program like mine and been rejected, so I knew he’d need a little while to gather himself and come up with another plan.

Well, he’s been living with his parents for over a month now, and almost nothing has happened. He has no job, and no plan. I would be much more sympathetic if he’d at least LOOK for a job and be unable to find one-but he’s not even LOOKING. He’s sort of kind of been looking at AmeriCorps or taking a few classes to improve himself for grad school, but it seems the moment there’s a difficulty (A professor is being a hard nose and won’t transfer credits, the AmeriCorps site is “too complicated”) he stops trying for days.

I don’t know what to do. Before this boyfriend, I dated someone who turned me into his mother… I had to keep reminding him of his responsibilities, and he ended up owning me quite a bit of money and depending on me financially. I NEVER want to date this type of infantile 20-something again.

Yet I can’t even bring up the subject, because the boyfriend says I am being “unsupportive” and “overly critical.” He says I need to just “trust” him and believe he’s an adult. But he’s not acting like it! It’s effecting our relationship in other ways, too… the only time I ever get to talk to him is if I drag him out of bed (I’m 14 hours ahead,) and he NEVER contacts me (Facebook, email, Skype, anything) because he says I’m not his “top priority.” When a guy has no job, no homework, and is living with his parents, it’s pretty hurtful to hear that I’m never his “top priority.”

My question is, am I being overly critical? How can I be supportive while being clear that I’m not going to put up with this kind of thing for long? Is it so wrong that I just want him to have a JOB and some sort of plan? I don’t mind him living with his parents, so long as he’s not going to do it forever. Please help!

Dating an Unambitious Guy
2 Opinion