Confused about my FWB, does he want more but can't admit it?

[jellybeany]

I'm single and my best friend is single. We started a FWB thing last year, but we set some ground rules. For example, if either of us started seeing someone and it was getting serious, this casual sex thing would stop of course. We weren't going to sleep around with other people either (other FWB). He initiated it, and I asked him if he wanted something more. He said he didn't, and didn't want a relationship with me either, just wanted to be friends. A few months later, I asked him again if that was still the case. He said he didn't see me as girlfriend material. He said he wants his best friend and girlfriend to be separate (strange logic, I thought, but whatever)

But along the way, he has asked me the following over the past year: 1) be my housemate (after he moved out of his parents' place and got his own place) -- to which I said NO!; 2) when you come over, you can sleepover if you'd like (which I try not to do as I still live at home); 3) makes me food when I do go over.

He has been adamant about not wanting to date me, yet his actions confuse me. A few times I have gone on first dates with other guys, and it didn't go very well, so I would go to his place after. I told him where I was before that, and we even chatted about the date. He tells me about girls, exes, etc. all the time too. But when we did fight about the FWB thing, (arguing over whether we should let this continue), he would bring up how I can't be seeing other guys and then coming over after. But he keeps telling me it's just sex, and that I'm more likely to get emotionally involved than he is. As my booty call, I don't care -- but as my best friend, I *do* care. I don't want to mislead him even if he tells me he can manage. Does he really mean what he say? Casual sex and nothing else?

[abra_b]

Over and over and over I hear: Guys do not make emotional connections BECAUSE of sex. He likes you as a friend + he likes having sex with you = best kind of friend with benefits. I don't really understand it myself. The jealousy, I hear, is him being jealous that other guys are on his "turf" ... he doesn't want to lose the ego boost/trust/sex that you are giving him. Doesn't mean he wants to trade it for a relationship either.

What do YOU want out of this? If you want more, stop the benefits and tell him you can't to it due to emotional feelings. See how he reacts. If you DON'T want more, respect the boundaries he's giving you but don't hope for more.

[jellybeany]

I know this sounds ridiculous, but I'm actually undecided. He doesn't have the qualities I'd look for in a long term partner. He has been a great friend, but he lacks the ambition and drive that I want. At the end of the day, I want to be with someone who makes me a better person. I'm not sure he can provide that for me. But then again, when emotions are involved, all rationale is out the window. And we have stopped previously, but then be back at it again a few weeks later. Both are weak?

[abra_b]

Yeah, it can be really confusing! One thing, probably due to the hormonal "bonding" we experience during sex ... is that females tend to see their partners in a better light than is logical. We see all these great characteristics in a guy while we still have the chemical buzz going on that may not be there. To me, it sounds like maybe you want to find someone who gives you what you know you need, but you don't want to lose that "warm, fuzzy" feeling that sex with your buddy gives you.

[jellybeany]

I think you nailed it. We are so comfortable with each other, but almost too comfortable it seems. We're not willing to make ourselves vulnerable to find a real partner we'd be more "compatible" with. For me, it takes a long to build a deep level of trust with a guy. A really long time. Do you think it'd be a bad idea if I tried to introduce him to some single girl friends? And then I'd make an effort to meet some available guys? Maybe we both just need to see what's out there.

[jellybeany]

Just to add: I don't mean to sound shallow, but the intimacy *is* amazing. I'm somewhat experienced (sexually) as I'm in my late 20s, and so is he being in his early 30s, but I can say with certainty that he's the best I've ever had, and I'm the best he has ever had. The last guy I dated was..."nice", but no chemistry in _THAT_ department. Maybe it just comes with knowing each other that well and being best friends for 4 years. And a good reason why it has gone on for over a year!

[abra_b]

I don't think I could handle even my ex friends with benefits seeing my friends. Too many confusing emotions going on there. If only we could pick and choose parts of people! I know what you mean, it is so hard to find that great chemistry, but without the compatibility to sustain it, a more serious dating relationship will falter. Plus, if he adamantly refuses to consider you as a girlfriend, you've got to take his word for it until he comes right out and shows you otherwise.

[abra_b]

My only advice is to stop sleeping with him so a) you clear that chemical addiction to him and b) he sees that you're not a backup girl that's always there for him and c) he's not a backup guy for you. Start dating without dragging him into the loop. I'm not saying you need to give up his friendship, but what if, say a friend of yours was always borrowing money that was keeping you from being able to make car payments on time or something? By loaning out your body and emotions to him, you aren't able to invest them into finding the right guy. You've got to draw boundaries that match your goals.

[jellybeany]

A new (and different) response? Anyway, I agree completely with what you've said, so I'm going to give it a shot and try to seriously date some new guys.

[abra_b]

Yeah, sorry about that ... I'm new here and somehow got the comments and posts confused! Good luck! I've had some relationship challenges similar to your situation, so keep me posted on your (I feel) future success!