Why would a married man continue to show mixed signals?

[Anonymous]

My question is about a married man, I know, that's bad. I'm not asking because "I want him" or "he told me he'd leave his wife" or anything like that. I have no intention of starting anything with him.

Let's start with the fact that I'm not 100% positive that he's married, but I'm pretty damn sure. And if he is married, I don't think its very "happily".

Upon first meeting him, I don't believe he was married. I think this happened fairly recently.

He has always been so kind to me from the start...rare, but effective touches (my back...the small of it), favors, displaying concern, staring but then looking away when caught, remembering things... what have you.

Then sometimes I'd feel like he was ignoring me. Sometimes avoiding eye contact. I'd think he maybe thought he was leading me on and then would pull back, except that this was repetitive. Its not as though he did the nice things and then started acting strange and that was it. He'd start acting nice again.

In fact before this last time I saw him he was extremely friendly, and now when I saw him again he barely spoke to me.

He's a very nice and friendly person, but quiet and not really one to expose a lot about himself... I would love to be his friend, but with him continuing to act like this I just get so confused and frustrated. Its like I get my hopes up and then I'm like "wait, no, what the hell am I thinking?" If he was just normal and friendly it would be fine... but just little things that I can't exactly pinpoint make me believe he has interest.

If he just wouldn't... if he would just act like a guy who is married who is able to be friends with a girl just like other married men I know, then there would be no issue and I wouldn't have interest. And then the mixed signals tell me even more that either he feels guilty or he's confused.

I think he's a good person, I just don't get why he can't be casual...I try, but when he makes me nervous with the strange behavior I feel super uncomfortable.

Updates

+1 y

To clarify -- I DO NOT want anything with him. Before I had any idea that he was married, I did have an interest. I see him all the time and I want things to stop being weird, but I don't even know what is going on with him so I don't know what to do.

[scarlet01]

I'm in the same situation, the differences are that we both are married. He showed me all the signs that a man is interested in a women. To be honest I really liked the attention. We both live in the same building condominium and this started since October but last night I called him and I asked him if it was me or there was something going on and he said no, that there was nothing going on and that he was 100% sure. And then he said he had to go hang up on me. So I texted him and told him that I was at a certain mall that if he wanted to pass by that I wanted to chat more to him. So he texted me back and told me that he was a married man and loved his family and that he was sorry that I got the wrong idea and that I misunderstood him. I was fuming!!! Because he was the one who started everything, the stares, the smiles the chatting. He appear at places where I visited.

[beethovenhaven]

Hi! A lot of time has passed, so I think your problem must be gone by now. Can you tell us what happened? Are you still avoiding him? Is he still giving mixed signals? Is he really married? Do you think he was secretly in love with you? I'm finding myself in a very similar situation. I'm single, and a married co-worker has been giving me mixed signals for the last 10 months. If you want I'll give you the details later.

[Asker]

I haven't talked to him in a few months since I switched to working at a different place, but as it would turn out my gut was right and he did have an interest in me. If you think this person has an interest, he probably does. Best to avoid him though!

[SDK2017]

I think he is interested/attracted to you with all the signals you are sharing. Maybe best you just be his friends and friend zone him. If you work together it may be difficult, but hang out with everyone in a group. Try your best to not be with him only.

[CuriousEd]

It may be that he really cares for you, that it isn't just a physical attraction. It might be close to impossible for him to keep that inside all of the time... maybe his cycles of hot/cold are him wanting to be close to you, and then trying to pull away because he recognizes that you are not interested in him that way.

Perhaps it is guilt, but I think it is more related to his reacting to what he feels for you, and the recognition that you don't want that.

[Asker]

I think that's probably pretty accurate. He's a kind person, I know that, and I don't think he'd ever want to do something horrible to a woman he was married to. He does seem to pull away to avoid me thinking he's a bad person. I'm still kind to him but I've pulled back a LOT and as a result he has too. I would like to talk to him, but I know that that isn't in my best interest... or his.

[casanova3]

if you think he might be married STAY AWAY! he probably is.

[dessy]

I agree, stay away. He's probably married and looking for something on the side. They all say that they are not "happily" married...but they will never leave their wife. These guys want their cake and eat it to. You will save yourself a lot of grief by cutting ties with him. Trust me, I know. I'm not proud that I crossed the line with a married man, but I did, and you don't want any part of it. I ended up hurt and looking like a bitch...in reality I was for doing that to another woman.

[Asker]

First thing I said was I don't want anything with him. I'm friends with some people he works with, like his boss who is a 38 year old married man... I'm also friends with his wife. Since I see him multiple times a week, sometimes alone, it would be really nice if I could just have a conversation with him and be his friend... but his behavior is so strange that it makes me uncomfortable. I would like to be able to have a normal conversation. He never talks about his marriage, happy or not.

[casanova3]

I think the best thing for you is just to keep it professional - Casanova3

[casanova3]

I don't think you really have anything to worry about. though the touches to the back are probably benign and harmless he sounds like he's trying to be a good friend but also trying not to give you false impressions. Why don't YOU ASK him if he is married? at least then you will have some parameters to establish the kind of relationship you want with him? Logic rulz hon - Casanova3

[Asker]

I'd think that he is trying to be a friend to me like I am to him, except there's just something that I can't quite put my finger on that makes me uncomfortable. Its different from how things are with other married guys. I think part of it is the mixed signals... how he treats me differently sometimes (better or worse) and it doesn't seem to correlate with moods.... who knows.

[casanova3]

I always say " don't follow your head or your heart, follow your gut". Good luck - Casanova

[Anonymous]

Maybe he fell in love with you when he met you? Maybe the fear of losing what he got with you scares him to death? Also wanting you needing you , maybe he doesn't want you to be other woman till he sort out his own problems so that way you won't feel bad about it , if he can sort himself and be with you? Remember a good and kind heart its hard to find , why won't you continue with your life and wait and see you never know what future brings.