Why is he suddenly avoiding me?

[Anonymous]

He used to talk to me a lot. Even when we were hanging out in a group, he would talk to me more than anyone else and constantly asked about my interests and general questions about me. He seemed really relaxed around me and always looked into my eyes a lot. However, if someone joined our conversation, he wouldn’t really talk to me and he would make a lot less eye contact. He also seems kind of quiet around me compared to other people, he just isn’t quite as outgoing, almost like he is uncomfortable around me, yet he goes out of his way to talk to me when he could easily just avoid it. He is a really nice guy though.

We have a college class together and every time he saw me last week, he would smile really big and seemed genuinely happy to see me. He would also smile and say goodbye to me, but not to anyone else. However, the other day he acted weird and told me that some random guy had asked him about me on fb. I think he was primarily bothered about why the guy was asking him. Of course I let him know that I didn’t even know who the guy was. He then mentioned a social that was being held, and although I wasn’t supposed to attend, he told me I should come. He also sort of invited me along on a hike with a big group, but as always, he didn’t really talk to me directly a whole lot and only looked at me occasionally when he was talking - always looking at one of his friends more. A few times I caught him looking at me when he probably didn’t think I noticed, but it was only for a few seconds at a time. When I said something he did was funny, he kept doing it, always looking at me and smiling. But there was another guy there that likes me and I kind of acted the same toward both of them, even though the other guy is not even remotely my type. I did however tell the guy I like that something he did was cute, but I also teased him more than I should have and maybe it was more hurtful than I intended.

So today when he saw me he just looked down even though I smiled at him, and he intentionally didn't sit next to me. He asked about my weekend to be polite but never looked at me and never said goodbye. He just seemed really cold. Did he like me and just doesn't think I feel the same way or is he feeling awkward because I am more obvious than I realize and he just wants to be friends?

[DalekSecsInTheCity]

There are plenty of reasons, and not all of them rule out him liking you. You really don't need to see a list of the reasons why in this case - just know that all isn't lost.

Oh wait, hang on - you treated both guys equally, including the one you didn't like? And then you made the other guy feel terrible? Bad move. Terrible, sh*tty move. If he's really a nice guy, then there are, once again, tons of reasons. Let's list them, so you don't repeat the same mistake.

-- Insecurity.

He might not be convinced you like him. It's possible that he has no idea, or he's just uncertain, or has suspicions, or whatever. But there's also a completely other end - he thinks you hate him, that you want him to f*** off but won't tell him. And when he sees you acting the same way with another guy, that just makes him feel like he's nobody special - especially if you're better friends with him than the other guy. And hey - how much time did you spend with him that day? Were you spending more of it with other guys? How must that have looked?

--He's really particularly nice.

He sees you around other guys acting the same, and he sees you enjoying yourself, so he lets you enjoy yourself, and this can tie into insecurity too. You keep pushing yourself away from him, he respects your space, and he tells himself to do so in the future.

--You were a total bitch.

Normally guys can tell when a girl is just teasing and joking, and are normally pretending otherwise. But chances are he thought you were serious on some level, or thought that type of teasing you were doing is pretty inherently hurtful. Teasing isn't always flirtatious. Guys naturally take the p*ss out of each other, and often treat girls the same way - people have too much p*ss in them nowadays. Has he even been teasing you? If he hasn't, red light - don't tease back. If he was, he still could've thought you were serious on some level.

--Someone bitched about you too him, and he believed them.

Says it all really.

If he doesn't think you want him around, and you start going out of your way to be with other people when he's around, he will probably assume you don't want him around. Some guys persist in these conditions, others wither. Sounds like he's withering.

Here's the solution: ask him if you did anything to upset him. Be honest and open (you don't have to tell him you like him if you really don't want to I suppose) and apologize for anything you did wrong. If he thought you didn't want him around, explain that you did (or wouldn't have minded) and why you did the things you did.

Being obvious isn't a turn off in most cases. And if he seems like he likes you - hell, if what he's doing is for any of the reasons above save for the last one, there's really not much of an if about it - chances are he won't mind being more than friends.

Also, girls throw around the word cute so much it didn't have much meaning, most likely. Plus, it can really make a guy feel like less of a man.

Pretty sure he likes you

[Asker]

Thanks, your answer is really helpful! I definitely see what you're saying, and I was concerned about that possibility. He never has teased me in any way, so I know I shouldn't have done it to him. However, he never acted differently that night, and when I left everything seemed fine. I did inadvertently spend more time with the other guy, but I also picked on him substantially more. I doubt that he thinks I like the other guy, but nonetheless, maybe he feels I?m not interested in him either.

[Asker]

But I also suspect that the other guy might have mentioned that I seem to like him, or he figured it out on his own; and if he realized that I do, it would explain why he acted so cold. I am concerned that a lot of his actions have boiled down to him just trying to be nice, and he feels that I misinterpreted that as something more, so now he is going to great lengths to show me that he doesn?t feel that way. Especially given that the way he acts toward me around other people.

[Asker]

I'm trying to figure out more clearly where I stand, since even if I ask him about it, I anticipate that he will say that nothing is wrong. So if he realized that I like him and is bothered by it, would you expect him to seem agitated and avoid me the way he did or does the fact that he acted this way more likely point to him just being frustrated? I mean he still talked to me when he could easily have just ignored me altogether if he truly wanted to give me the hint.

[DalekSecsInTheCity]

Does he seem like he's shy at all? It just takes a litte drop of insecurity for him to be permanently uncertain in a situation like this. I know I've done the same thing with a girl who's about in your situation (I suspect mostly, there haven't been many signs, but they're hard to ignore) but I'm slighty insecure about her - I always have the suspicion the she wanted me to f*** off playing at the back of my head. There was a big school outing, and considering she spends a lot of classtime with m

[DalekSecsInTheCity]

E I sort of assumed we'd be hanging out together most of the time, except for when she wanted to spend time with her girl friends. But we pretty much only talked once the whole day, the rest of the time she was bouncing around from person to perso like a pinball machine because she wanted to get her camera full of photos of everyone, including people she doesn't even like. I didn't know this at the time though, and I just sort of thought it confirmed my belief that she didn't want me around, so

[DalekSecsInTheCity]

I gave her her space. When we got back to school, I confronted her about it, and - she's not a very emotional person I should add - looked so ashamed of herself I thought she'd start crying. I didn't see that coming by a long shot, and I certainly wasn't being loud and abusive - just quiet and disappointed. Yet she had no idea what she'd done, or that she was even doing it, and she just assumed I was happy where I was and didn't need her.

So you know - that might be the case here.

[DalekSecsInTheCity]

There's always the possibility he thought he was too obvious himself and thinks he made an idiot out of himself.

[2inthemorning]

with a situation as complex as this, you can't wait to figure out if he likes you. I would ask him to lunch or something. maybe he didn't sit next to you because he didn't want to seem to forward? you might have to make the first move