He always pushes me away when times get tough. Is this for real or just how he deals?

[getnobetter]

I was with my ex for two years, we had an amazing relationship and got serious pretty quickly, talking about the future, saving money together and whatnot. 9 months into the relationship he lost his job, he broke up with me. I was shocked and confused, I asked him why and he told me he just didn't love me anymore. Fast forward two months, he got his job back and THAT day he called me saying that he was depressed and losing his job really affected him and his self esteem. I took him back; we had another great year together, talking about the future again. Then out of nowhere again, he gets laid off. Breaks up with me. He told me this time that he still is in love with me he just couldn't be in a relationship with me "right now" but we will see where we are in a few months. He said he doesn’t have the patience right now to be in a relationship. He claims that it has nothing to do with his job this time, someone just “don’t work out, even if they do love each other” He still wants to stay in touch and be “friends” we don’t hang out because he feels like he can’t see me in person, so we just talk on the phone. I still tell him that I do want to be with him but he keeps telling me that right now he can’t do it. I don’t want to keep going through this with him, I do love him and I feel like an idiot for taking him back in the first place, but he promised he wouldn’t let that happen again. When he came back the first time he sent me a message in a WORD SCRAMBLE saying that he missed me, he couldn’t even verbalize how he actually felt. I know there isn’t another girl, but this is totally killing me and I just need to know if this is a common coping strategy or is he just playing games with me? He always pushes me away when times get tough, I want to be there for him but he won’t allow me to. Is losing a job really that big of a deal for men?

[kimberlymyra]

I went through a simlar siutation and am still dealing with the recent break up. My relationship was much shorter but it still included a very intense and serious relationship. I thought we were going to get married. Out of the blue he gets fired and everything goes downhill for us. He doesn't want to hang out, doesn't call as much, etc. Since I am currently unemployed and understand the stress of not having a job, I couldn't understand why this grown man was acting like a baby. Truth is what I've learned from this relationship, men value their jobs (if ti's a professional job) as their livelyhood. It is their ego, personality and security. Without it, they become very differnet and distant and do not want any help from others! Once he got a new job, he apologized for his behavior and asked me to go out with him that weekend. I thought I had him back, but since I had been so hurt during this time, I couldn't forgive him so easily and he couldn't understand this. Our fights at that point left us broken up. Point being, it is his job if that is his world and I wouldn't take it too personally. Men deal with things differently than women, I think we are stronger hehe. Just my opinion and story, hope it helps! Hang in there...

[nikkibrecht]

so so true and common from what I have heard, I just think you have to stand up for yourself I think you did the right thing by saying he hurt you and he should have understood that. You took control of the situation and he couldn't deal with that. He will look back and realize what he lost and one day 'man up' and take responsibility for his behaviour. Guys really hurt girls acting this way. My recent break up was 2 weeks before my ex started his new job too (dumped me two weeks ago!).

[kimberlymyra]

P.S. I was blamed 100% for the break up and he denied everything that happened between us as well as his bad behavior. Very childish and I hope one day I'll get the apology I deserve! Thanks for your comment nikki and good luck getnobetter

[getnobetter]

Thanks so much! :) I'm trying to hang in there it's just so hard. Every excuse that he is coming up with like " some people just don't work" makes no sense! If he really wanted to break up and never be with me again, wouldn't he just say that instead pf saying " I don't know what will happen in the future, just right now I can't be in a relationship" it's hard, I feel like I'm just sitting here waiting. I want to show him I'm strong and able to get over this.

[kimberlymyra]

I got that exact same talk! I wish I had a real answer for you but in my situation, we just ended up fighting, he blew me off and we don't talk anymore. I truly believe my guy couldn't handle a relationship and yours probably can't either. I think they know that they really like us so they try to stay in contact in case they get their crap together. It's not fair to us, but if you feel the way I do about your guy, I know you'll put up with this behavior for a litle while even though we shoul

[nikkibrecht]

yeah mine literally has been keeping me at arms length only cut him off Monday shows how crap I've been but mostly due to him head messing me still, at least he pushed me to point of anger... all of us in all these situations have come off the better person. Seems some guys can't multi task in EVERY area of there lives, I'm going to find my prince whose a proper man and can actually put me first for a change. Hope you all get on OK, update me on what happens with you all, il do same x

[kimberlymyra]

Im a little confused nikki... I thought you already broke up? I don't talk to mine anymore... he sent me a Thanksgiving text but that was the ast I heard from him. I doubt I'll hear from him again and getting over it slowly but surely. The pain fades over time but I know the minute I run into him or see him online I would go right back to being miserable! ugh

[nikkibrecht]

Ive heard this quite a few times from my mates relationships and I've had two relationships ending this way. Seems to be if a guy isn't at the right point in his life to take on the responsibilities of hardships in their lives as well as the relationship, they either walk or the girl/relationship suffers. Its tough as if you stay you are accepting the behaviours OK in the hope it will sort itself with time. If you walk you will always wonder what if he just needed time. Its so hard, both times I was in the position I have stayed and then got hurt, both guys then remained single for lengthy times, hence it was not me just not the right time for them to have a girlfriend. My advice is do what makes YOU happy, as regardless of the outcome you don't want to end up emotionally drained, look after number 1, as your other half is certainly doing that when he wants to.

[kimberlymyra]

We're in the same boat! I guess I'm not the only one and I'm sorry you had to deal with this too. I think these men will realize in time what they lost but in the meantime, you have to give him space, do not give in to the not so great behavior and find things to distract you. Odds are, they do come around once they settle in their new jobs, but instead of showing them you will tolerate the behavior, walk away and let him remember you with confidence and self respect!

[Anonymous]

I would say he isn't playing games but has a problem with being able to provide for you. I know if I where to lose my job I would start to question myself and it would hurt more knowing that my Girlfriend is the one providing for the both of us.

While I would say the best approach is to talk to him, I'm going to guess that you have already done that and things didn't work out. I would try explaining him that if he was seriously talking to you about being together that means standing side by side for better or worse. And if he wants to be in your life then show it by stepping up and accepting the crap hand he was delt and to move on and work hard at finding a new job.

If he doesn't want to step up then you need to make a choice. You can either try to stay friends... which is super messy. (whats going to happen if either one of you starts to date a new person) Or you cut him out of your life and don't look back even though its going to hurt more then anything.

[getnobetter]

Thank you so much for responding. I did try to talk to him but all he keeps saying is that he didn't want to break up with me but he had to, and he just can't be with me "right now" but he doesn't know what will happen in the future. which gives me hope, but it shouldn't.

He is on EI right now so he gets money for the gov. Is my best bet to move on? I hate to think about doing that

[YoungMD]

This situation is really tough ... but from what your saying I'm pretty confident he loves you but he's just a bit afraid of being in a relationship right now because he's feeling that he's being unstable right now and he probably doesn't want to pull you into this... which is very normal to us guys because being laid off and back again on track and being laid off and so on isn't easy ... it really gets to us and we start thinking about a lot of stuff going on... so let him take his time but stay in touch with him because he looks like he could need your help but he just doesn't want to see you because you'll remind him of what he's losing due to his job thing...

[TheCheshireCat]

You'll have to talk to him & work it out.