The concept of "she/he is out of your league", does it exist in the real world?

I am talking about the idea that a girl or guy can be so pretty/handsome, smart and fun that they are simply out of someone's league.

In other words, you wouldn't have (much of) a chance to date them even if you tried.

I started wondering this when Tinder make me play the "Super like game". They selected 4 girls, and I could superlike one of them. One of those girls had great pictures, she looked amazing. But instead of wanting to superlike her, I felt as though she was out of my league.

"She probably gets 10 matches a day, why would she care about just another super like?" I thought.
I now realize that's a rather silly way to think, since I'm assuming a lot of things about her based on only her pictures. I wondered if other people have had similar experiences, where they felt as though someone was out of their league.
  • Yes, definitely
    Vote A
  • Yes, but only in a few/extreme cases
    Vote B
  • No, not for me at least
    Vote C
  • No, not at all
    Vote D
  • Not sure/maybe/other/answers
    Vote E
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Most Helpful Girls

  • The problem with Tinder is that you are deciding which way to swipe based purely on looks and that's just not realistic.

    I do think that the feeling of "leagues" exist in the real world and I have been through that feeling and come out the other side winning.

    My guy and I had worked together for 2 and a half years and in that time he was known as the "good looking" one. He had a lot of attention off the ladies and I know he had plenty of matches on Tinder. He liked a lot of bikini clad girls on Instagram, pretty standard for a good looking guy in his twenties. I'm pretty average, I'm not the slimmest and to be honest I can't be bothered to wear make up most of the time. But after 2 and a half years of knowing each other I started showing an interest in him and he started showing interest in me, and now we are super happy, not interested in anyone else and I didn't have to wear a lot of make up or put on a bikini to win him over.

    That's the thing to remember, when you look at someone for the first time, you do judge them based on how they look. But for both sexes, that doesn't last for longer than about 5 seconds, because nobody actually cares that much if you're not the best looking one, as long as you have a decent personality and can make them happy.

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    • Thanks for sharing!

      Your story actually gave me back some hope I lost along the way. A few years ago, I finally stopped actively searching for a relationship and just enjoyed doing my own thing. It helped me figure out what I actually wanted and allowed me to enjoy being single.

      Even though I like being single, I'd still prefer to be in a relationship. Reading how you, even after 2+ years of working together, found someone and you are now very happy with, is really encouraging to hear!

      Thanks again for sharing!

    • I definitely think the best thing to do is to not search so hard for someone, and don't worry about the myth of leagues.

      I wasn't really that interested in my guy for those few years. I thought he was very good looking but I couldn't see him that way because we worked together. It was only after I came back from working in a different store that I saw him differently. I dont really know why that was. I never thought there was any point in trying because of the whole different "leagues" we seemed to be in, and also he is 4 years younger than me so definitely can get any girl he wants closer to his own age or early twenties rather than someone who is closing in on 30 pretty fast!

      Good luck and don't give up :)

  • "out of your league" is absolutely real, but the problem is that we could be wrong in judging it
    we may think we are out and not be
    or think we are in but not be

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    • @ronaldo75 you put it like people base everything on looks, its not that simple
      besides in my experience a lot of guys think some pretty girls are out of their league but in fact a lot of girls wouldn't mind their looks if they just put more effort and be confident
      also there are guys that have very high opinion of themselves when in fast that ain't shit and have no chance with girls they think they do

    • It's not all looks, no one said that's the only thing. However it does start with looks, then personality. I'm attracted to A LOT of good looking women who are total bitches so I'd never make a move on them. Women in this situation will catch a guy lookng at them and think the guuy isn't fliritng because he's weak or scared - that's not the reason - the reason is that the girl is pretty but we've already heard her talk and know she's an asshole.

      Yes, many guys think they're more than they really are. I would never deny that. These guys also put up a front that many woman fall for. Arrogant douchebag guys wouldn;t act like that it didn't get them laid.

Most Helpful Guys

  • It is not so much about leagues, as it is about compatibility--a fulfillment of wants and needs. If the other person has enough of the things you need and want to justofy them not having some othet things then you are good. That is why a man who is infertile, who is also hilarious and wealthy can get a woman who is an attorney, but has no interest in having children. Or how a really dumb, but attractive man can end up with an average looking, super smart and successful lady.

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  • You have to remember that most other people will think she is out of their league, too. At the end of the day, a no is just not getting a yes, and not giving her a chance will not give you a yes, so the most assured rejection is when you reject yourself without bothering to let her answer.

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What Girls Said 51

  • Leagues do exist IRL as well, in my opinion. Interestingly enough I had a discussion in Discord group of fellow Indian GaGers on same subject. I'll paste what I wrote here with some tweaks.

    "I do believe in leagues. It's hard not to. Confidence doesn't necessarily get you everything. You have to put your best out and maybe you can go few leagues up. But never drastically.

    If leagues didn't exist, I could be able to date Chris Evans easily. It's stupid to think that a rich, well behaved, 9/10 guy would go for girls like me , with what I have to offer rn. Even if I put out my best, it's impossible. So yes, leagues do exist for sure. in my opinion it's foolish to think they don't."

    Why go to celebrity level? Even among people I know, there are people who I consider out of my league. Among my peers.

    There's this guy who's really intelligent, into sports and has achieved some things, handsome and loaded. So yes, he's out of my league, compared to my other peers, are in more or less same situation as me.

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  • I like that you ended on realizing you are going based on looks and making assumptions.

    I’ve never used Tinder bit I thought you could tie a FB profile are something to give yourself a narrative.

    Go for what you want since the the cost/ benefit is low.

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    • The feeling that she was (supposedly) out of my league wasn't the only reason why I didn't super like her. She didn't see like a girl with similar interests. Of course that is also based on only her pictures (she didn't have any profile text)

  • I'd say the second one. Like it's very obvious that attractive people refuse to date people who are less than a certain kind of attractive (ie. They're a '9' and won't date less than a '7') even though it's really shallow. But then there's the spin that the media give it as well and we often to just go along with it like; "Well they're hot so *of course* they're not even going to think about dating that person. How stupid is that!" Instead of acknowledging the person is acting like a shallow, asshat. So it does exist but all of things that make you 'out of their league' are things that can be changed. Money, weight, certain clothes, the 'language' you use, the only things that really can't are height and background.

    Should you *have* to date less attractive people as an attractive person? Of course not but that question misses the point altogether. If the person is *attractive only* and you have no idea *who* they are and end up hating them and their habits you've basically just wasted each others time. But good chance is there's a '5' or a '4' out there who maybe aren't as fit or confident in their looks that could be the partner you've always dreamed of.

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    • In fairness I know some guys who are like a 4 easily who refuse to date anything less than a 9 or a 10. Then complain they never get anywhere.

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    • @ronaldo75 that type of woman is shallow though, any guy who actually has a clue or worth anything knows to stay well away from that.

    • @ronaldo75 I don't know any more than two guys who are in this situation and I know a lot of geeks/nerds. In fact one of them I know the girl legitimately fell head over heels for him before she knew his job/salary/looks because she wouldn't damn shut up about him when they started dating. Of course these people exist because if there's a bad decision to be made you can bet there's people around the world making them but this is definitely not *normal* it's not an average thing that happens but the exception to the rule. I was also talking about attractive people in general, not just bashing on guys, coz, that's stupid. Much like the chick who's sure the TV star should date her.

      @Silver158 I completely agree with you. Sometimes guys are tricked or charmed into relationships like that but often they know and they choose to be with the girl anyway because, well she's hot. It's equally as shallow both ways.

  • I wonder if a lot of guys don't ask out the girls they like bc of this presumption of someone being "out of your league"? This would be an interesting question if someone wants to ask haha I personally don't believe in someone being out of someone's league. I believe in good chemistry, mutual attraction, and great sex. If it hits all of these things, how does it matter if someone is more intelligent or more successful than the other?

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    • And what if someone is significantly more socially awkward than the other (chemistry), significantly less attractive, and significantly less sexually skilled than the other?

      Wouldn't that qualify as being in "different leagues"? I mean you're just using different criteria for defining your heirarchy than someone who values intelligence and financial success.

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    • You're only 20... wait until you've had a few shit relationships and you're 29. You're going to be talking A LOT differently. At your age you'll still date guys who are't that great looking because they make you laugh and they're good guys.

    • I think most guys are out of my league because either I don't have the ability to talk to them or I just ruin my chances 😬 but if you're too attractive to me, I'm afraid that you would... I don't know ig play me or I will just be friend zoned

  • I don't think anybody is out of anybody's league. I used to think the league system was real, until I got with a guy who was objectively way more attractive than me. Turns out that though I was just as ''out of his league'' as I did about him.

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  • Yeah its possible definitely,
    For example if someone goes to the gym everyday.. why would they marry someone who is 400 pounds?

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    • simply because he/she felt in love... cause love have nothing to do with race , appearance, financials, religions... if you are like that... you are materialistic , where i live people like this are not respected

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    • True Fluffy. Keep up the calisthenics, some say that is the healthiest for of resistance training.

    • They like to lift heavy things?

  • I don't believe in leagues. I believe in compatibility.

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  • I'd say if you think someone is out of your league then you need to keep working on yourself. And it's not about looks. There's plenty of people that are sexy trainwrecks. Consistency, integrity, self confidence, that's what matters.

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  • No not for me. A persons stature I don't believe makes them out of your league or not. My boyfriend thought he was "Out of my league" cause his family is poor with nothing to their name, while my family are just just under wealthy with past ownerships and runnings of businesses. Personally, as long as the people are compatible and work well together thats all that matters, a persons league shouldn't define their abilities.

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  • Whenever I find a guy really hot I don't think I am out of his league. I think that I don't picture myself dating him. If I ever date someone, I will hold him to a high regard that I hold myself to. I won't be insecure and feel lower than him. That's unattractive.

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What Guys Said 101

  • I guess another way of saying it is that the other Person is too good for you. I see it like this- if they are willing to date you, it's all good. If not, find someone who will.

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  • As I read the question, I remembered watching the two videos below. According to Rebecca Lynn Pope, "Why Women Have Totally Unrealistic Standards for Men, Dating, and Marriage."
    Her video and Steve Harvey's demonstrate how picky many women are. High quality/status Men can reasonably expect to be rejected by woman of a comparatively lower status. This sets the expectation for Men that "she is out of his league."
    So, how unrealistic are women's expectations? Rebecca Lynn Pope quoted some statistics regarding height in her video. I checked into the numbers...

    17.9% of Men in the U. S. are 6ft. or Taller (ALL Men)
    12% of all Men in the U. S. make $100K or more

    So, doing a bit of Math, 12% ($100K figure income) X 17.9% (6ft.) = 2.148%. So, just over 2% of Men of all Men, 6ft., makes $100K or more.

    Note: Keep in mind that this is coming from Women criticizing other women.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSq4RPWfrz8https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H6ONHDmDD8s

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  • No... not in the sense to which you are referring. There is obviously a sense in which many people THINK that others are out of their league either in the sense that they are "below them" or "above them." However... most people, even the ones who think that way don't put up too much effort to be proven wrong. This can ESPECIALLY apply to girls that a lot of guys think of as out of their league. As a result many guys just aren't willing to ask them on dates and so they stay single. So yeah, bite the bullet ask her on a date, and then... treat her like a normal person. Don't treat her any differently than you would a close friend. While the concept of someone being out of your league technically does exist in the sense that some people think that way... most people who think that way will put up little resistance to being proven wrong when it applies to them personally. The ones that don't are usually either SUPER arrogant and snooty, OR they are the ones with lacking self esteem who just need to be worked on a while and encouraged :)

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  • Well, yes and no.
    Let's start with no...
    Girls are just regular people. Their shit stinks just like everybody else. So they're nothing special in the sense that they have to interact and get to know, and mingle and match just like everybody else. There's someone for everyone. And most think they're a notch or two higher than they really are, a self-inflated self image. Especially if they banged a hot guy or two thinking they could snag one. The really hot guys have girls throwing themselves at them all the time, so they pump and dump. But the girls think they're better than they really are for it.

    Now the yes...
    Everyone lands on the SMV chart somewhere - wherever they are. For the women it's their youth and beauty. If they're a 8-9 they have every guy, even some of the girls, drooling all over them all the time. They have no shortage of attention and validation, lots of leg-humpers too. So for a guy that is realistically a 5-6, he really isn't going to give her the tingles, and she's not really going to want to bed him in any voluntary way. Maybe a sympathy-fuck, but she just doesn't need to normally go there.
    And same for the girls, a 8-9 guy might bed a 6-7 gal if he just wants to get some. But settle down with someone well beneath is SMV? I think not.
    And guys get better with age, women don't. Men age like fine wine, women more like milk. So the numbers get skewed all over the place and you end up with some real odd combinations.
    And then there are people with mental hangups and life problems, and they tend to cling to whomever will put up with their bullshit.

    So yes, and no. You can call it a 'league', but that's not really it. Everyone is an individual, everybody has their strengths and weaknesses. The league thing comes into play for people that simply don't THINK they have a chance. Most people are their own worst critic, enemy. If you THINK you can't you can't. If think you can then more than likely you can. We get to create our own reality, opportunities, and happiness.

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  • The term "league" in dating is used to reference social status, which is the premier criteria for attracting a mate. That's an absolutely indisputable fact. Social status has multiple components for both men and women, and each has some components that are unique to the gender. Some traits are static, you can't do much with them, like genetics. But there are sometimes ways to work around it; eat healthy and exercise. Everyone is judged based on social status, by almost everyone else. Only the ignorant and the liars would suggest otherwise. Women are the worst about this particular lie as too many still cling to lies like, "I don't care what he looks like or how much money he has as long as he's nice and he has a sense of humor." I've known dozens of really great guys with great senses of humor that can't get the time of day from most women. Joseph Merrick was known to be well-read and have a good sense of humor... never had a date in his life. Likely never even had a conversation with a woman who wasn't working in a medical or scientific capacity of some kind. It's a lie they tell us, and themselves, in order to maintain a sense of superiority. Only men are superficial animals who select based on looks, while women are purely altruistic.

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  • Nope,. it's only in your mind. I've dated some very beautiful women and they are almost unanimous in what they say about why the like particular guys. The first thing has always been a sense o humor. The other first thing- no second since it addresses a different motivation is, like most people, they dislike stinginess or neediness

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  • I've never met a woman that is out of my league, maybe having that very mindset is why.

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  • I do think so. But its not just about looks. I'd say that's that's one of the less important things. You can go a long way with confidence.

    I would say the primary key factor here is lifestyle+class, life experience, and confidence. Looks gets you in at first, but you need to have your shit together and be near or as equally confident and successful as the other person in my opinion

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  • The concept of leages exists for a reason. But it doesn't apply to everyone, or every situation. You can see this in that money allows rather unattractive people to date models, ust as an example. But also there are always those who are attractive, and are attracted to less traditional standards of atractiveness. In cases like that, having a good self image and enough confidence are far more important

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  • I feel more like @pearlos says- I stopped thinking that much about meeting that “special someone” and I figure I will meet her when I least expect it. So I just remain open to that possibility and go about my everyday life- there are NO leagues- it’s all just us.

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