My boyfriend pushed me into a wall, advice?

[Anonymous]

We weren't even fighting and I have no idea what was going on ! We were sitting watching Vampire Diaries, and I commented on how one character is hot (he comments on how girls are hot all the time), then he got up to walk away, and I walked over to give him a hug (and to say how I thought he was hotter anyway then the guy on the show).. The next minute he says "move!" and pushes me to fall into the wall and walks away. It didn't physically hurt, but it emotionally hurt because he's never been abusive or anything before... After that happened I just went silent and started shaking, I layed back down on the couch, and a half hour later he came to sit with me and tried to hold my hand. I wouldn't let him touch me or hold my hand because I was still in shock. What I said was "Wow. I never expected you to be abusive, you actually pushed me into the wall.. Talk to me when you stop acting this way" and I left the room.

After 10 minutes he came downstairs to the basement, ran to me and hugged me and started crying. He said he felt really bad and didn't know where that came from or why he did it. I trust him that he didn't mean to, we've been dating for 8 months and he's never acted that way or showed ANY signs of being abusive/controlling. So I forgave him, but I'm not forgetting what he did. My question is why the hell did he do that?

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+1 y

Admins: Please Transfer to Behavior section !

Updates

+1 y

I said this in one of the answer comments, but I'll say it up here as well:

he's never acted like this before, he's actually the sweetest and most romantic guy I've ever met. I'm not going to dump him for one time that he messed up.. If he does it again I will consider that, he's not an asshole or anything, he's extremely sweet and doesn't have anger issues.. Aside from this situation

[WorkInProgress]

Women who come from abusive relationships hang on in there because they believe that "the man they fell in love with" is still in there waiting to be brought back out again... Unfortunately, the truth usually is, that the man they fell in love with was actually all just a good guy act until their insecurities started to rear their ugly head!... The thing is, these guys are ALWAYS sorry after they have abused their partners, why wouldn't they be?, they fear losing them and having to start all over again with the good guy act to get themselves another girl. Every time it happens they cry and beg and promise, but then go and do it all over again. The reason is these men (or women, they can be abusive too) cannot help themselves, when your insecurities kick in you react instantly without thought... I would advise you to be very wary, you obviously love him so tell him that under no circumstances is he to ever put his hands on you in an aggressive manner again or its over right there right then.. No second chances.. And if he ever does it again and cries and begs, bin him without hesitation before you fall into the circle of forgiving him time after time, and he will get worse because he will think that he can get away with anything and you won't leave him for it... p.s. If you were my daughter, id kick his ass!

[Asker]

Okay, thank you! I appreciate your answer. As I have said in other comments, this is the only time I'm letting this pass. If he does it again, then I'm not giving him another chance.

[DonMichelle]

''he's actually the sweetest and romantic guy I've ever met''... Do you tell him this? Do you show him you appreciate him?

Not for a second am I in approval of his actions (to the contrary he's overstepped the line there) but someone who's so loving and caring could also be insecure. Being very affectionate is sometimes a person's way of making them love you, showing you how much you mean to them in the hope that you'd never leave them for another! For him to be so caring and then hear that you find another man attractive, even in a teasing way could be damaging to him. He obviousley cares and is hurt by his actions if he burst into tears after you made your anger and hurt known (even before you told him you were upset he tried to hold your hand, a sign of his imbarressment (he didn't want to mention it so he thought he'd take your hand instead, an apologetic, caring gesture). He's insecure about how you feel about him, just let him know how much you care about him and how his efforts are appreciated, you won't have a repeat of this scenario... but if you do you must think carefully. Once can be forgiven but twice?

[Asker]

I tell him things like that all the time. I think he's just very insecure. He doesn't like me wearing tight or revealing clothing in public either because he doesn't want other guys "looking" even if he's around or not. But when it's just us he doesn't care what I wear. I'm trying not to show how much I love him recently, because sometimes he says I come off as clingy. I see it as, if I don't show enough affection he gets insecure, if I show too much I'm clingy..

[DonMichelle]

He says you're clingy... but reacts like that when you say another man is attractive?

''He doesn't like me wearing tight or revealing clothing in public either because he doesn't want other guys "looking" even if he's around or not. But when it's just us he doesn't care what I wear''... He's obviousley very insecure and jealous... a sign that he likes you alot...loves you? It wouldn't surprise me if the 'stop being clingy' remark is also him being insecure, maybe he thinks that your loving...

[DonMichelle]

...gestures towards him are exaggerated to make him feel better about showing you so much care. Without a doubt your boyfriend is an insecure fellow, very much so. I'd say he feels like he's the one who cares more about you than you do about him, his 'stop getting clingy' remarks is his way of making you think he isn't 'in your pocket' so to speak. This guy is insercure and likes you ALOT... a bad combo, could lead to him possibly being possesvive/controlling

[Asker]

I agree 100% & we both love each other a lot.People say that 18 is too young to know what love is, but I know that I love him.I try to overlook his insecurities,but no matter how many times I assure him that he is the only one I want to be with he still is worried about losing me.I'm always worried about losing him,but I don't let that interfere with our relationship.I'm going to have to confront him about it, but how could I do it 'gently' I guess I could say, without him getting him upset?

[DonMichelle]

You need to sit him down, look into his eyes, tell him how much you care about him. Tell him you've 'got some advice' (this will show him your concerned about your relationship, you've spotted difficulties in the relationship and you want to remove them quickly before they cause damage... tell him you don't want any damage, you value your relationship with him (caring smile as you say it ;) haha) and his insecurites need to stop, he needs to trust you, a relationship can't suceed without trust!

[nermalinda]

Honestly, this is scary. If he never does it again, then fine, but don't let him off the hook. If he ever acts abusive to you again, leave his ass fast no matter how much he cries and begs you to say. Because it's totally inappropriate and abusers pretty much can't change. They may hate themselves for doing it, but they can't stop. And you shouldn't put yourself in that position.

As to why he did it, some people are raised that way, some people can't control their temper, some people have mental or emotional issues. It could be a million different things. But what really matters is the final outcome. Even if someone loves you and wants you to be happy, if that person abuses you, it's not love to you. Because all that's happening is you're getting hurt in the end. It's never worth it. Some people stay in abusive relationships for years and years because they love each other, but it's really not healthy and it rarely gets better.

I mean saying someone on a show is hot is NO reason to even get upset, let alone that angry and to lash out at you like that. Frankly, that is seriously nutty behavior. So yeah, just try to keep an eye out. Maybe it was just a fluke, but if it happens again, it's not.

[peace-love-couture]

I'd break up with him, but that's just me. If you trust him and believe he's a good guy then why are you asking us for advise?

[Asker]

I'm more or less just asking why he did it and what people would do in my situation.. I've let this one slip, but if it happens again then I'll probably end it with him. I was just looking for some insight. But thanks !

[Butterfly_kisses09]

Red flag alert. Sounds like he has anger issues or is just an asshole.

[Asker]

I really don't think its either, I think he's just really insecure.. Which he needs to get over

[KarKingJack]

Mm, temporary psychosis or something. Or a sort of pent-up thing, you know, like winding up a spring. Maybe he's been under a lot of stress, and just needlessly took it out on you. I've been there myself, although I was lucky enough not to have a lover at the time. Try and find out if anythings been messing with him in his life, or if he's maybe got a mental illness or some mental problem. If so, then you have to sort of make allowances for that, you know. And be a little more understanding at times, and try and help him through stuff.

If not, I dunno. He seems as shocked by it as you, so I can't fathom any other explanation.

Also advice from the fellas here seems to be pretty good, I'm surprised, usually people get all bull-headed at stuff like this and insist you leave him, you know. Typical internet white-knighting. The underlying message being 'Love me instead'. These answers are pretty good, generally. Awesome. ^_^ You got a good round.

[hALLDAY]

I'd assume you busied his ego by what you said. Ever since that twilight crap, I get pissed off if someone comments on some vampire character.Although, he should not be commenting on other girls either. I don't think he is abusive, he just let anger get the best of him.

[Asker]

I'm not into all that Twilight stuff, I liked it at one point but I wasn't crazy about it. I'm really into Vampire Diaries though. But why is it okay if he says "Oh that girls hot, she has a nice ass, she has big boobs" and all that crap, but if I just say "He's attractive" or something he'll spaz out? Do all guys act that way? He's a freaking character in a show, I'm not going to leave my boyfriend for the other guy..

[hALLDAY]

Oh no, its not okay for either of you to comment on other peoples looks if it makes you feel uncomfortable (which is what I was trying to say). Not all guys are like that, some just get a little jealous or self conscious in that situation just like some girls would. As I said, I don't think he's abusive or has anger issues, he cried in front of you which means he most likely regrets what he just did.

[Asker]

I only comment on attractive people because he does it, I normally save that kind of talk for when I'm with my girl friends. If he wouldn't do it, then I wouldn't either. But thank you for your opinion !

[hALLDAY]

Yes, you both should talk about a compromise.

[imlikewtf]

hes probably a strong guy that a little shove from him got you backing into the wall. but reading others' comments I think you have a bigger problem. A guy that doesn't like his girlfriend to look hot because others might look is a bad thing. he needs to understand that you know what's superficial and what's not. good luck.

[tex151]

Maybe because you said that a vampire, yes a dead guy in a movie was hotter than your boyfriend, that's the way he saw it. Next time think about what your going to say, before you say it around him.

[Shaun]

He pushed you away and you were off balance and it was harder than he expected, or he meant to push you into a wall hard?

[Asker]

I'm not quite sure which one it would be, he's so much stronger than I am though. So I don't think he knows what he is capable of

[Shaun]

Tell him that he doesn't know his own strength and that he has to be way more careful. You know better than us whether he is an abuser. Just be honest with yourself.

[Hyped_up_on_coffee]

Dump him, he sounds like an ass and he probably has anger issues

[Asker]

The thing is, he's NEVER acted like that before, he's never gotten so angry over something so small, and he's not an ass or anything, he's actually the sweetest and romantic guy I've ever met. I'm not gonna dump him over something that just happened once. Now, if he did it repeatability, then I would.

[Hyped_up_on_coffee]

I was in an abusive relationship it takes a while to notice trust me

[ambermarie]

he's jelous and abusive, leave him he won't change I can promise you that

[GucciBandanna]

You ever said something like that to him before? If so it sounds like something else is troubling him.

[Asker]

Are you talking about how I thought the one guy was hot? Yeah I do sometimes, it really bothers him too when I say it but he doesn't get all mad over it. He comments on how other girls are attractive so I thought I'd say it as a joke to get back at him